Struggling with end of affair

[Minnie Moo]

Ps. @Snakesalive 6 years!
He’s a master at the lies and manipulation to have kept it all going for that long 😳

[Snakesalive]

2 hours ago, Minnie Moo said:

Ps. @Snakesalive 6 years!
He’s a master at the lies and manipulation to have kept it all going for that long 😳

I take responsibility for my part in that I wanted to believe everything-wanted the happy ending that was never going to be . Even in my darkest days I  do  a reality check and remember that it was only at the end that he showed me who he really was -everything leading up to it wasn’t real . 

[Minnie Moo]

6 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

I take responsibility for my part in that I wanted to believe everything-wanted the happy ending that was never going to be . Even in my darkest days I  do  a reality check and remember that it was only at the end that he showed me who he really was -everything leading up to it wasn’t real . 

I’ve just seen a great quote that sums it all up IMO. 

‘We all eat lies when our hearts are hungry’ 

 

[Snakesalive]

7 minutes ago, Minnie Moo said:

I’ve just seen a great quote that sums it all up IMO. 

‘We all eat lies when our hearts are hungry’ 

 

Couldn’t have said it better   
i had a ridiculous moment today that made me teary - found a receipt for some bed linen I bought when we were living together -reminders come in the strangest of places don’t they ! 

[Minnie Moo]

3 minutes ago, Snakesalive said:

Couldn’t have said it better   
i had a ridiculous moment today that made me teary - found a receipt for some bed linen I bought when we were living together -reminders come in the strangest of places don’t they ! 

Oh no 🤦‍♀️ Not good. Totally understandable though.  
Hope you’ve thrown it away and managed to distract yourself. 

[Stupidkupid]

1 hour ago, Snakesalive said:

Couldn’t have said it better   
i had a ridiculous moment today that made me teary - found a receipt for some bed linen I bought when we were living together -reminders come in the strangest of places don’t they ! 

You doing okay now?

[Stupidkupid]

10 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

Absolutely-the things I’ve found out now it’s ended are crazy -although I’m not sure I’ve actually found them out -more they were there all the time-I just ignored them.
Not long ago  We went on a business trip, when I got in the car he told me he’d left his wife -you can imagine my heart and head went into overdrive-I listened to him for the next couple of days as he told me this was the start for us -just that we’d have to wait a while so no one would suspect we’d been in an affair (for 6 years! I realise now ( with the help of this forum and therapy)  he lied by omission-his wife thought they were on a break ( he omitted to tell me this) while he addressed an addiction to a recreational drug that had seen he and her involved in sex clubs threesomes etc  ( he blamed the drugs on this behaviour-his  way of coping with being in a loveless marriage) there are days I feel like such an unbelievable idiot -today is one of them

My mind is a little blown by this. Its a pretty c****y thing to do to you.

Although I do believe that naby WS tell themselves lies too... so often they believe it.

Because what they're doing is really awful behaviour and so, just like us as OW (and OM) we let our mind jump through hoops to find ways to justify it.

Affairs turn most of us into liars in some way and almost all of us into blind fools. I accept and take respnsibility for being that person.

And its part of the reason I don't subscribe to the "once cheater, always a cheater" line that is so oft used. 

I can't imagine ever doing it again. In fact, just the thought of it makes my chest a bit tight. I think in some cases people are serial offenders but in others, with real reflection and work on the whys and hows, they would never do it again. But true reflection is not easy and takes a real willingness.

In your case, @Minnie Moo , seems MM is s serial offender and you met him at such a vulnerable time in your life. I hope you're doing okay today.

[Minnie Moo]

41 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said:

My mind is a little blown by this. Its a pretty c****y thing to do to you.

Although I do believe that naby WS tell themselves lies too... so often they believe it.

Because what they're doing is really awful behaviour and so, just like us as OW (and OM) we let our mind jump through hoops to find ways to justify it.

Affairs turn most of us into liars in some way and almost all of us into blind fools. I accept and take respnsibility for being that person.

And its part of the reason I don't subscribe to the "once cheater, always a cheater" line that is so oft used. 

I can't imagine ever doing it again. In fact, just the thought of it makes my chest a bit tight. I think in some cases people are serial offenders but in others, with real reflection and work on the whys and hows, they would never do it again. But true reflection is not easy and takes a real willingness.

In your case, @Minnie Moo , seems MM is s serial offender and you met him at such a vulnerable time in your life. I hope you're doing okay today.

@Stupidkupid 
He definitely has prior, present and I’d bet on future offences (of the extra marital kind) too. I really do need to start seeing it as a positive that I’m out of the situation and can eventually move on. 
I’m doing ok today thank you. Plenty of distraction with being able to go see friends and take all the kids out together.  It makes a huge difference being able to have sociable distraction and conversation coupled with a major change of scenery.  Definitely counting today as a good day 😊 

[S2B]

Glad you’ve had a better day today.

just be sure to take good care of yourself.

[Snakesalive]

21 hours ago, Stupidkupid said:

You doing okay now?

@Stupidkupidthanks for asking, overall I’m doing much better , therapy has helped a lot , leaving my job and no contact . I still miss the good parts of our relationship but I’m not idealising him as I was. When I look back over the last 3 months i have come a long way from the broken person I was . I realise I have to let go of the hopes , the guilt , the mistakes and so on . I take responsibility for my actions I made poor choices and I’ve learnt some hard lessons . The affair , my behaviour and his behaviour  took  so much from me I refuse to let it take my present and my future  too . I know I’ll have bad days and this experience will stay with me for ever -maybe the love I had for him will too but I know it will fade and not he as all consuming as it has been 

[Minnie Moo]

@Snakesalive Glad to hear you are doing ok and the therapy is doing it’s job and helping. 

Don’t know if  it’s been mentioned before or in your therapy.  
A friend of mine suggested making a Pros and Cons list about the situation. 
I’ve made one based on still being in the affair, him leaving his wife (and kids) and me ending the affair. 
The cons lists for staying in the affair or him leaving her are huge
The pros list for ending the affair is also huge 

The pros list for the first two scenarios was surprisingly small and made me realise that they’re all potentially things I can find with someone else - who’s single and available and free to give.  

I keep reading these lists when I’m finding myself idealising him or the situation and reminding myself that there’s really good reasons why it had to end.  

[Minnie Moo]

@Buttercupp How are you doing? Hope you’re alright? 

[Buttercupp]

On 4/15/2021 at 12:22 PM, Minnie Moo said:

@Buttercupp How are you doing? Hope you’re alright? 

Hi @Minnie Moo I am doing well thanks, been busy with work so havent been on here much.

My exMM made contact and we had a chat and cleared the air, about our feelings etc and it made me feel better as I got my closure and I got my feelings across. And he admitted his feelings but isnt willing to leave his life (not that I asked but its the impression I got) so what I got from it all is he is the one confused and unsure what to do rather than me. So I told him he needs to sort his own head and life out and let me get on with mine. He agreed. We ended the conversation on a friendly manner. We spoke about me being blocked on fb and he admitted it and said he only blocked me because it was his way of coping and it was his anniversary and was worried so he felt blocking was the only option. So we cleared that up but long story short, he is the one confused and lost, he was more open about his own mixed feelings and confusion so I said he needs to sort it and do it without me involved and he agreed

So im ok and happy we spoke, he's a decent person just a bit lost and I think he needs to look at his own life without involving a 3rd party.

 

How are you getting on?

[Minnie Moo]

6 minutes ago, Buttercupp said:

Hi @Minnie Moo I am doing well thanks, been busy with work so havent been on here much.

My exMM made contact and we had a chat and cleared the air, about our feelings etc and it made me feel better as I got my closure and I got my feelings across. And he admitted his feelings but isnt willing to leave his life (not that I asked but its the impression I got) so what I got from it all is he is the one confused and unsure what to do rather than me. So I told him he needs to sort his own head and life out and let me get on with mine. He agreed. We ended the conversation on a friendly manner. We spoke about me being blocked on fb and he admitted it and said he only blocked me because it was his way of coping and it was his anniversary and was worried so he felt blocking was the only option. So we cleared that up but long story short, he is the one confused and lost, he was more open about his own mixed feelings and confusion so I said he needs to sort it and do it without me involved and he agreed

So im ok and happy we spoke, he's a decent person just a bit lost and I think he needs to look at his own life without involving a 3rd party.

 

How are you getting on?

That’s really good to hear. So pleased you’re alright and getting on with your life and glad you’ve been able to get some closure on it all.  Keep being busy and keep rebuffing him if he does try to come back to you  - (unless he’s divorced) Hopefully he’ll sort himself out one way or the other and avoid ever entangling you.  

[Buttercupp]

47 minutes ago, Minnie Moo said:

That’s really good to hear. So pleased you’re alright and getting on with your life and glad you’ve been able to get some closure on it all.  Keep being busy and keep rebuffing him if he does try to come back to you  - (unless he’s divorced) Hopefully he’ll sort himself out one way or the other and avoid ever entangling you.  

@Minnie Moo yeah its been good but don't get me wrong I miss him and think of him daily but it was clear from our discussion he had also been thinking about things and hasn't came to any clear conclusion for himself so im leaving him to it. And if he's single when he wants to get in touch then I'll be ok with that.

Hes a decent guy I think just handled it all badly and so did i. He understands why I struggled and I understand his reasons where as before he wasn't really giving me much, so felt like all this feelings and emotions were just me where as now I got an insight on his emotions and how he wasn't coping well either. 

How are you?

Any news on your front? Heard anything from your xMM?

[Stupidkupid]

1 hour ago, Buttercupp said:

@Minnie Moo yeah its been good but don't get me wrong I miss him and think of him daily but it was clear from our discussion he had also been thinking about things and hasn't came to any clear conclusion for himself so im leaving him to it. And if he's single when he wants to get in touch then I'll be ok with that.

Hes a decent guy I think just handled it all badly and so did i. He understands why I struggled and I understand his reasons where as before he wasn't really giving me much, so felt like all this feelings and emotions were just me where as now I got an insight on his emotions and how he wasn't coping well either. 

How are you?

Any news on your front? Heard anything from your xMM?

I'm glad you're both doing okay.

Wpuld caution against communicating with him if he reaches out again. As i suspect he will and it'll all start sliding back to where it was before.

Unless hes single don't take his calls. Its a complete head f*** every time from here on out if he does.

[Buttercupp]

So I've had a recent set back. The ex MM got in touch, admitted he's weak ans struggling with all this.

I told him I have too but done everything to not message yet he did. So he said I've clearly more will power than him. I asked him for us to end this and do the right thing we need to be honest with each other, so I then said "can I be honest with you?"

He replied with "no please don't"

That threw me off because firstly he doesn't know exactly what I was going to say, and secondly what I was going ti say is that I've developed feelings and I'm wanting more but I know he can't give me more so this needs to stop/end and let us both move on.

So my question is why wouldn't he want to hear whatever it was I was going to say because in my view, it was a get out for him cause he isnt going to give me what I want so hearing that I want more surely would make him say "ok maybe this ends now because i can't give you that"

 

But instead he asks me not to be honest. He doesn't know what I was gonna say. I'm sure he has an idea as ive told him in the past I've developed feelings so why this time round am I just shut down when I'm trying to be honest.

 

I know I should of cut ties, so I'm on here today just to get your opinions on why he wouldn't want us to have an open and honest conversation about all this?

What are all your thoughts?

[Stupidkupid]

1 hour ago, Buttercupp said:

So I've had a recent set back. The ex MM got in touch, admitted he's weak ans struggling with all this.

I told him I have too but done everything to not message yet he did. So he said I've clearly more will power than him. I asked him for us to end this and do the right thing we need to be honest with each other, so I then said "can I be honest with you?"

He replied with "no please don't"

That threw me off because firstly he doesn't know exactly what I was going to say, and secondly what I was going ti say is that I've developed feelings and I'm wanting more but I know he can't give me more so this needs to stop/end and let us both move on.

So my question is why wouldn't he want to hear whatever it was I was going to say because in my view, it was a get out for him cause he isnt going to give me what I want so hearing that I want more surely would make him say "ok maybe this ends now because i can't give you that"

 

But instead he asks me not to be honest. He doesn't know what I was gonna say. I'm sure he has an idea as ive told him in the past I've developed feelings so why this time round am I just shut down when I'm trying to be honest.

 

I know I should of cut ties, so I'm on here today just to get your opinions on why he wouldn't want us to have an open and honest conversation about all this?

What are all your thoughts?

Largely because he doesn't care what you want. Its about him. If he doesn't hear you he can pretend he doesn't know.

I said he would be in touch in my last post to you and cautioned you not to reply as you go back to, or close to, square one.

It is essential to cut him off entirely for your own healing. 

He is selfish. Being the MM/MW is selfish always. 100% of the time. You can't expect more from him or for him to care what you think. He doesn't care what your view is or he wants to protect his own precious feelings.

Edited May 9, 2021 by Stupidkupid

[Snakesalive]

1 hour ago, Buttercupp said:

 

On 4/21/2021 at 7:28 PM, Minnie Moo said:

My exMM made contact and we had a chat and cleared the air, about our feelings etc and it made me feel better as I got my closure and I got my feelings across

 

On 4/21/2021 at 9:50 PM, Stupidkupid said:

Unless hes single don't take his calls. Its a complete head f*** every time from here on out if he does

Hi buttercup I’m sorry he reached out to you and not respected your no contact . His reaction to your “can I be honest” is interesting but probably not surprising Fundamentally  honesty is clearly not something  he is comfortable with -he’s shown that throughout  I’d also say he’s doing the classic push pull thing of trying to hook you back in or at least stay in some kind of contact t ;exactly as stupid kupid  said he would and again the way you feel now is proof of what it does to your head . 

I would just say don’t fall for it -don’t scrutinise what he’s said and look for answers or hidden meaning it really won’t help in the healing that you’re working so hard to achieve. 

His words aren’t important his actions are . IMO contacting you is selfish it’s about him and his wants -he wants to contact you so he has/it’s self serving -again it doesn’t sound like his main motivation is to hear what you want to tell him-honest or otherwise.

you said before if he contacted you because he was single that would be one thing but I’m guessing he’s not single 

You said the last call you had  gave you closure -you don’t need to go looking for it anymore from him. 

Just know we’re all here to support you  x

Edited May 9, 2021 by Snakesalive

[Minnie Moo]

@Buttercup

Hi. Sad to read this and that he’s upset you/causing you anxiety again. I couldn’t agree more with StupidKupid and Snakesalive.  Please don’t entertain any kind of contact with him any longer. He is fishing for you to get hooked again and by the sounds of it you are tempted.  As soon as you do you will regret.  
 

if you must -  send him the one final text saying you are not willing to enter into any kind of relationship with a married man and unless he is one day divorced he shouldn’t contact you again.  Then delete and block him.  Otherwise he will just keep coming back until you go full circle with him.  
 

Please don’t give his wants/needs/feelings any consideration now. He has a wife at home. He has someone looking out for him..her! You need to look out for yourself.  🤗 x 

[Buttercupp]

38 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said:

Largely because he doesn't care what you want. Its about him. If he doesn't hear you he can pretend he doesn't know.

I said he would be in touch in my last post to you and cautioned you not to reply as you go back to, or close to, square one.

It is essential to cut him off entirely for your own healing. 

He is selfish. Being the MM/MW is selfish always. 100% of the time. You can't expect more from him or for him to care what you think. He doesn't care what your view is or he wants to protect his own precious feelings.

@Stupidkupid yeah I read your post again before I wrote my set back today and I felt ashamed writing it cause I feel stupid for responding, but I was weak and responded and before that conversation happened, he was being all flirty and I was like what are you doing? Ans he was like "just had things on my mind and I cant fight this urge I have, I'm weak an want to message you"

All these emotions and confusion just came flooding back and floored me at one point I wrote "are you actually just messing with me for shits n giggles, because what is this seriously"

He is like "I am not messing with you"

 

But certainly feels that way now when I ask if I can be honest and tell him what I feel and what I want. But clearly he is just Messing with me.

I had to post it here to get clarity and views because as I said I am ashamed I gave in again:( 

[Buttercupp]

41 minutes ago, Snakesalive said:

 

 

Hi buttercup I’m sorry he reached out to you and not respected your no contact . His reaction to your “can I be honest” is interesting but probably not surprising Fundamentally  honesty is clearly not something  he is comfortable with -he’s shown that throughout  I’d also say he’s doing the classic push pull thing of trying to hook you back in or at least stay in some kind of contact t ;exactly as stupid kupid  said he would and again the way you feel now is proof of what it does to your head . 

I would just say don’t fall for it -don’t scrutinise what he’s said and look for answers or hidden meaning it really won’t help in the healing that you’re working so hard to achieve. 

His words aren’t important his actions are . IMO contacting you is selfish it’s about him and his wants -he wants to contact you so he has/it’s self serving -again it doesn’t sound like his main motivation is to hear what you want to tell him-honest or otherwise.

you said before if he contacted you because he was single that would be one thing but I’m guessing he’s not single 

You said the last call you had  gave you closure -you don’t need to go looking for it anymore from him. 

Just know we’re all here to support you  x

@Snakesalive hello and thank you for your input and yeah I did feel like I got the closure that last time but this time just floored me and really confused me so now I'm back at square one.

I'm actually feeling more hurt by him not wanting to hear my honesty when he didn't even know what I was going to say. It came across as harsh in my opinion and rude.

So that upset me more as well so I'm a bundle of confusion right now

[Buttercupp]

16 minutes ago, Minnie Moo said:

@Buttercup

Hi. Sad to read this and that he’s upset you/causing you anxiety again. I couldn’t agree more with StupidKupid and Snakesalive.  Please don’t entertain any kind of contact with him any longer. He is fishing for you to get hooked again and by the sounds of it you are tempted.  As soon as you do you will regret.  
 

if you must -  send him the one final text saying you are not willing to enter into any kind of relationship with a married man and unless he is one day divorced he shouldn’t contact you again.  Then delete and block him.  Otherwise he will just keep coming back until you go full circle with him.  
 

Please don’t give his wants/needs/feelings any consideration now. He has a wife at home. He has someone looking out for him..her! You need to look out for yourself.  🤗 x 

@Minnie Mooyeah... unfortunately I'm back at square one and anxiety through the roof. I gave in because I am also weak and now I'm hurting even more so at the fact he just disregarded my question to be honest.

It's always been on his terms and I'm now just seeing that.

Hes just picked me up and dropped me yet again and I let him.

I dont know what I'll do now. I'm upset and angry so probs best I don't speak to him anyway as I'll say something I'll regret but just annoyed at myself for allowing this yet again to happen.

 

How are things with you? X

[Snakesalive]

2 hours ago, Buttercupp said:

It came across as harsh in my opinion and rude.

So

The person you see at the end of an affair Is the person they really are -we just choose not to see it when we’re in the fog of an affair. 
Be glad you’re out of it and block him. 

Don’t waste time or energy beating yourself up , put it down to experience , learn from it and I’ll say it again just to be sure you heard 😉block Him. 

[Stupidkupid]

2 hours ago, Buttercupp said:

@Stupidkupid yeah I read your post again before I wrote my set back today and I felt ashamed writing it cause I feel stupid for responding, but I was weak and responded and before that conversation happened, he was being all flirty and I was like what are you doing? Ans he was like "just had things on my mind and I cant fight this urge I have, I'm weak an want to message you"

All these emotions and confusion just came flooding back and floored me at one point I wrote "are you actually just messing with me for shits n giggles, because what is this seriously"

He is like "I am not messing with you"

 

But certainly feels that way now when I ask if I can be honest and tell him what I feel and what I want. But clearly he is just Messing with me.

I had to post it here to get clarity and views because as I said I am ashamed I gave in again:( 

Im genuinely sorry he did this to you. It was inevitable, it always is in my view. I've seen very few situations where this doesn't happen. 

It stops when you make it impossible for them and if they do find a way, don't respondand block that way too. You answering boosts their ego and lets them back in.

You cycle through this need for answers (ones you won't get, not to your satisfaction, anyway) and before you know it you're in constant contact again and back to where you started.

See what you're doing here? "Why did he sat that? Why doesn't he want that? What does it mean? Did he never care? He says he misses me..." blah, blah. Its a tale as old as time.

You deserve better.