Struggling with end of affair

[Buttercupp]

2 minutes ago, Aether said:

He assured me our friendship wouldn't suffer, he knows that has always meant a lot to me.  I just wish I'd kept rebuffing the advances as I had been, like yours, he pursued me hard.

I think I'm feeling it more today, I'm not sure why.

Currently in the process of looking for a counsellor, I want face to face though.

 

@Aether yeah thats the tough thing, nd you will have good and bad days. Like me recently I've just felt so down about it all and can't shift the feeling.

It is good you are seeking a counsellor it will help..most should do face to face now but obviously you need to find the right one for you and your needs.

Read more of these posts they help me alot when I'm feeling really low. Just know there are other people out there feeling and experiencing the same as you so we are here when you need to get it off your chest also 

[Aether]

6 minutes ago, Buttercupp said:

@Aether yeah thats the tough thing, nd you will have good and bad days. Like me recently I've just felt so down about it all and can't shift the feeling.

It is good you are seeking a counsellor it will help..most should do face to face now but obviously you need to find the right one for you and your needs.

Read more of these posts they help me alot when I'm feeling really low. Just know there are other people out there feeling and experiencing the same as you so we are here when you need to get it off your chest also 

Oh I do, I've been reading them for months now, while I may not say a great deal I pretty much live here!

[Buttercupp]

30 minutes ago, Aether said:

Oh I do, I've been reading them for months now, while I may not say a great deal I pretty much live here!

I'm glad. As it is very helpful at times especially when you feel really low and sad x

[torn_heart]

52 minutes ago, Buttercupp said:

@Aether yeah thats the tough thing, nd you will have good and bad days. Like me recently I've just felt so down about it all and can't shift the feeling.

It is good you are seeking a counsellor it will help..most should do face to face now but obviously you need to find the right one for you and your needs.

Read more of these posts they help me alot when I'm feeling really low. Just know there are other people out there feeling and experiencing the same as you so we are here when you need to get it off your chest also 

This helps a lot. And speaking with you has helped a lot because we could read the other side of the story. Hope it has been helpful for you also. 

[torn_heart]

1 hour ago, Buttercupp said:

@torn_heart for your on sanity i think you should take a break from both and if you are feeling sad and down and can't speak to your gf about it for obvious reasons then she will notice and probably won't be surprised if you take a break from your relationship.

If anything it will hurt more if you continue with your gf when your feeling so low. Maybe some time apart will give you a clearer mind set on what and who you want. Right now with them both in your life cannot give you the answers you need. Your living two lives and that surely will take its toll.

You don't need to tell your gf that another woman Is involved but I think for your sake and hers you need to have a break, separate. Take some time apart to reevaluate both relationships. Who knows you may even  realise its your gf you do want to be with after all. Or it may end up you don't want either after being on your own and figuring out what YOU really want.

It must be hard being in your position but you do also do have the power to do the right thing. But only you can decide who and what you want.

I am sorry you are feeling sad and torn by all this. 

Thank you a lot @Buttercupp

[NYAG]

18 hours ago, torn_heart said:

I haven't thought about it like that.

This is the first and last time I've ever cheated, it hurts too much. When I started with my current gf it was a totally change of pace from my previous relationships, I never lasted this long (even if I stop counting when I started the affair) and I liked it. At some point I had issues everywhere and decided to start a master, there I met the OW, in the las part of the master. And at some point a friend told me "it feels you need a little passion in your life" and maybe that was it what drove me to have the affair.

I think the feelings and energy can be redirected, and what I need is to find more drivers in my life, not necessarly in another person, I've hurted everyone, my OW, my gf and myself. Not to mention everyone around me who has been affected because of me being stressed out because of this (my close family).

As a cheater, gotta say, the stress and thoughts are very difficult to handle, my OW chatted with other people about me, but I couldn't, these have been things I've kept to myself and it has been terrible. 

 

I would say you do need to think long term. Is your GF giving you everything you need (seems like a daft question but it actually isn't)? If you decide that you need more 'drivers' in your life there is only so far that will take you if your relationship with your GF is not giving you everything you need in that department, whether that's sexual, emotional, intimate or mental. You can't just shut off to the those desires. It could takes years to catch up on you, but it will somewhere along the line if you need that in your life. Don't assume that by throwing yourself into a career etc that you can outrun your basic needs. You can't.

[torn_heart]

21 hours ago, Buttercupp said:

@torn_heart for your on sanity i think you should take a break from both and if you are feeling sad and down and can't speak to your gf about it for obvious reasons then she will notice and probably won't be surprised if you take a break from your relationship.

If anything it will hurt more if you continue with your gf when your feeling so low. Maybe some time apart will give you a clearer mind set on what and who you want. Right now with them both in your life cannot give you the answers you need. Your living two lives and that surely will take its toll.

You don't need to tell your gf that another woman Is involved but I think for your sake and hers you need to have a break, separate. Take some time apart to reevaluate both relationships. Who knows you may even  realise its your gf you do want to be with after all. Or it may end up you don't want either after being on your own and figuring out what YOU really want.

It must be hard being in your position but you do also do have the power to do the right thing. But only you can decide who and what you want.

I am sorry you are feeling sad and torn by all this. 

So yesterday my OW again talked about doing those activities together, that she would come to my house and other things. It's really weird, I thought it was over, as I said before she is in another city now.

I decided that after my trip this weekend I'm going to ask my gf for a break to let me think and I won't meet with the OW in some time. I do need to clear my head and it's very difficult when I'm in constant communication. (Yea, she isn't always the one saying "hello" but she is the one that talks about seeing each other again in the short term and doing activities)

[Buttercupp]

1 hour ago, torn_heart said:

So yesterday my OW again talked about doing those activities together, that she would come to my house and other things. It's really weird, I thought it was over, as I said before she is in another city now.

I decided that after my trip this weekend I'm going to ask my gf for a break to let me think and I won't meet with the OW in some time. I do need to clear my head and it's very difficult when I'm in constant communication. (Yea, she isn't always the one saying "hello" but she is the one that talks about seeing each other again in the short term and doing activities)

@torn_heart that is probably the best decision for now. Take a break from both and clear your head. Having both around won't help anything.

It's hard for the OW too as she probably does want to end it as well but will find it too hard hence why shes communicating as well.

For example me and my MM haven't spoken in a few days now  but I'm so tempted but I am fighting the urge to message. He is always the one who reaches out first, and I'm the one who gives in and responds. So I know now we are both fighting the urge. I know the pattern and the feeling in my gut. It's so horrible.

Part of me is trying to not make any contact as I really need to clear my head and decide on cutting ties completely because if he isn't willing to give me what I want and deserve and that's not to be a side chick, then I need to let him go. But I'm just also not ready to let any part of him go that's what hurting and I'm stopping myself from moving on or even meeting someone new because I have a teeny tiny but of hope that maybe just maybe he does want me fully  but I'm also living a fantasy. I am also a great believer in, if someone is for you, they will find away back to you one way or another. So if it isn't now and that person is truly for you, when the time is right then they'll come back.

Thats what I'm trying to tell myself about my MM but it's hard.

Last night I was upset as I have it in my head hes been using me all these months. But same time I don't think he has cause we also do have normal conversations about life and stuff so someone using you wouldn't care about all that, would they?

Urhh I'm so confused:( 

But your making the right move. You need to sort and clear your head for you to make the right decision  going forward 

[NYAG]

4 hours ago, torn_heart said:

So yesterday my OW again talked about doing those activities together, that she would come to my house and other things. It's really weird, I thought it was over, as I said before she is in another city now.

I decided that after my trip this weekend I'm going to ask my gf for a break to let me think and I won't meet with the OW in some time. I do need to clear my head and it's very difficult when I'm in constant communication. (Yea, she isn't always the one saying "hello" but she is the one that talks about seeing each other again in the short term and doing activities)

I agree that some time out from both would be useful. You can't get things straight in your own head if you have influences from either side. Either way, you do not need to come back into the same situation. It has to be one or the other or single. Because it sounds like this whole thing is making you miserable.

[torn_heart]

On 5/11/2021 at 4:41 PM, NYAG said:

I agree that some time out from both would be useful. You can't get things straight in your own head if you have influences from either side. Either way, you do not need to come back into the same situation. It has to be one or the other or single. Because it sounds like this whole thing is making you miserable.

It has been a couple of days of NC with the OW.

I've had a lot of anxiety, but looking back, the feeling was almost the same as it was just before we broke up, I was a very anxious all the time knowing that something had to happen with either relationship, because of the anguish I had of living this double life. I still live it, in some way, but different.

I hope to still be strong and keep the NC, because sometimes that "hello" I make turns into she saying "yes let's do x" . I do miss her a lot, but I know I need time for myself and to clear my mind. Sometimes I wish she contacted me, but I understand she wants something that I'm not ready to give her, I need to fix myself and see if I can give her what she wants and fight for it. 

Please, I hope this comment don't make anyone here lapse, just wanted to give an update and hope we can all keep getting out of our anguish.

Edited May 14, 2021 by torn_heart

[Snakesalive]

4 hours ago, torn_heart said:

It has been a couple of days of NC with the OW.

I've had a lot of anxiety, but looking back, the feeling was almost the same as it was just before we broke up, I was a very anxious all the time knowing that something had to happen with either relationship, because of the anguish I had of living this double life. I still live it, in some way, but different.

I hope to still be strong and keep the NC, because sometimes that "hello" I make turns into she saying "yes let's do x" . I do miss her a lot, but I know I need time for myself and to clear my mind. Sometimes I wish she contacted me, but I understand she wants something that I'm not ready to give her, I need to fix myself and see if I can give her what she wants and fight for it. 

Please, I hope this comment don't make anyone here lapse, just wanted to give an update and hope we can all keep getting out of our anguish.

Thanks for your update . I’m sure lots of us can relate to how you’re feeling right now. Affairs by their nature have us in a heightened state all the time -fear, excitement , anxiety, feelings of guilt Living in that state all the time can’t be a healthy way to live for our body or mind . There is a sense of peace that comes when we leave it behind . It takes some people a long time to recognise that we’ve actually  gained something in our life through not being in the affair because we focus so much on what we lost 

I applaud you for your honesty -you know you are not in a position hi give the OP what she wants and you’re admitting that . Yes you miss her and she you but NC is the only way to give you both space and detach yourselves from this relationship. Keep remembering why you chose to leave the affair and healing yourself 

 

[Buttercupp]

5 hours ago, torn_heart said:

It has been a couple of days of NC with the OW.

I've had a lot of anxiety, but looking back, the feeling was almost the same as it was just before we broke up, I was a very anxious all the time knowing that something had to happen with either relationship, because of the anguish I had of living this double life. I still live it, in some way, but different.

I hope to still be strong and keep the NC, because sometimes that "hello" I make turns into she saying "yes let's do x" . I do miss her a lot, but I know I need time for myself and to clear my mind. Sometimes I wish she contacted me, but I understand she wants something that I'm not ready to give her, I need to fix myself and see if I can give her what she wants and fight for it. 

Please, I hope this comment don't make anyone here lapse, just wanted to give an update and hope we can all keep getting out of our anguish.

@torn_heartI think I can speak for us all that we really appreciate your posts and honesty as it'd refreshing to hear the other side of it.

And you are doing good with the NC and totally understand how your feeling.

For me it's been about a week now of NC and I've been tempted every day but still haven't messaged because like you.. his hello or my hello then leads to one of us suggesting more.

Part of me wonders if he's also fighting the urge and how he's feeling now. He's told me previously he does struggle and he is usually the one to message first.

But this time round the urge is even higher for me and dont know why. But I'm fighting it as I need to clear my head. Just like you. We all do. It's horrible. And I do feel sad. I feel sad I've lost something but I dont know what as he was never mine in the first place

I want more but I cant have it and that makes me sad. He knows I want more even though tho didnt want me to speaking openly on how I felt but he must know.

Anyway well done to you. Your doing well and keep us updating as ita good to hear how everyone is getting on.

[Snakesalive]

28 minutes ago, Buttercupp said:

Part of me wonders if he's also fighting the urge and how he's feeling now

It doesn’t matter -what matters is you and your focus on moving on and and how your life can be filled with better choices and making good memories going forward . I say this not to be unkind but from experience the more we think about them -shared memories  , wondering how they’re feeling etc the more inclined we are to break no contact .
I used to think the same  way and still have my moments but if I’m honest with myself my real thoughts were “ is he fighting the urge to contact me ? ...because if he is that means he’s missing me which means he really did love me which means he wants to be with me forever which means we’ll get back together and everything will be great .....” 

 

 

 

[Snakesalive]

37 minutes ago, Buttercupp said:

But this time round the urge is even higher for me and dont know why. B

Because it’s happened before and the more push and pull the more desperate we become for the drug that they are and the harder the withdrawal is . Please trust me you will get through it I know there are days that feel impossible but one day you will feel lighter and your head will feel clearer unfortunately it takes  time and processing x

[torn_heart]

So yesterday she reached out to me in the morning telling me she was on her way back to the city. I told her (remembering her) that I was out of the country and she went silent. 

To remember, the trip I did 3 weeks ago with my gf was the one that made her make the decision. They're trips to get the covid vaccine. 

Then in the evening she asked for a pic of me, because she wanted to see me, which I sent, and the she sent me the following:

"It feels kind of weird that you are with her and you are taking pictures to share with me

well... forget it.  I want you to be happy!!!

so enjoy the trip, the beer and have fun, hun!!!"

I just told her "I'm sorry" 

During this trip I've felt like ending everything with my gf and going to her, but I think it's way too early doing something like that because it might be the abstinence syndrome. 

It hurts a lot, and more that I don't know what she thinks or wants. 

What terrifies me is that if after my process (I'm in therapy) what I want is to be with her that it might be too late

Edited May 15, 2021 by torn_heart

[Buttercupp]

11 hours ago, torn_heart said:

So yesterday she reached out to me in the morning telling me she was on her way back to the city. I told her (remembering her) that I was out of the country and she went silent. 

To remember, the trip I did 3 weeks ago with my gf was the one that made her make the decision. They're trips to get the covid vaccine. 

Then in the evening she asked for a pic of me, because she wanted to see me, which I sent, and the she sent me the following:

"It feels kind of weird that you are with her and you are taking pictures to share with me

well... forget it.  I want you to be happy!!!

so enjoy the trip, the beer and have fun, hun!!!"

I just told her "I'm sorry" 

During this trip I've felt like ending everything with my gf and going to her, but I think it's way too early doing something like that because it might be the abstinence syndrome. 

It hurts a lot, and more that I don't know what she thinks or wants. 

What terrifies me is that if after my process (I'm in therapy) what I want is to be with her that it might be too late

@torn_heart she is probably just as confused about all this as much as you hence the hot and cold messages.

I did that with my ex married man a few months ago, my messages to him were all over the place, one minute I was trying to argue with him, next I was upset and pouring my heart out, next I was fine and talking normal. Until one day we met and we talked and I told him what I wanted. He said he knows I want more so we agreed it needs to stop. So it did and I did NC which lasted a month because then HE reached out, which led to me going right enough is enough and that is when he admitted he found it hard not speaking to me, so I asked we are either friends or nothing because I can't kept playing this game.

He agreed friends as he doest want me not in his life. But as my previous posts have shown thats not been working as he's been flirty and reaches out to me alot which then sets me back and Confuses me.

But what it made me realise is he must be just as Confused because why else does he do this.we both send hot n cold messages. For example right now we haven't spoken in over a week now, I'm refusing to message him. But I know in my gut he will message me soon. I know the pattern but what I do with it... well I don't know.

I also understand why your terrified and that is why your holding on to her still now. If at the end of the process and you do still want to be with her, then all you can do is tell her and see what she says, it she wants to be with you too and your single then great but if by then she's moved on, then that something you'll need to be prepared for.  Because she is already hanging on and waiting for you but she can't wait forever. I dont mean that to upset you or anything.

Take it from our view as the OW, for me I do hold on to hope that my guy will leave his wife and come running  to me. But in reality it won't happen. I also worry he will leave his wife and find someone new, that terrifies me as im scared that I was just being used. But the fact of thr matter is.... he isnt going to leave his wife n kids. But I hang on, in case he does, I hang on go a glimmer of hope. And it's holding me back I know it is and I dont deserve to be a side chick. He knows that too hence why I believe he TRIES to leave me alone but we both give in.

Keep doing what your doing, whatever happens at the end will be right for you. What's for you won't go past you. Trust and believe that it will all work out for you and be strong

[Stupidkupid]

12 hours ago, torn_heart said:

It hurts a lot, and more that I don't know what she thinks or wants. 

What terrifies me is that if after my process (I'm in therapy) what I want is to be with her that it might be too late

So, you definitely need to detach and really work with the therapist. You need a clear head so that you understand how you feel.

If after that you decide that you do want to be with one of these women, then you can reach out. Explain you have been in therapy and that would like to give your relationship a go, now you are feeling well and stable. But be prepared for the answer to be no. 

And if thats the case, it wasn't meant to be. And there is someone more suited to you out there, when you're ready. 

In my case I was an OW for a long time. I ended things with MM and went into intense therapy for 6 months then continued therapy ever since. I dated after the 6 month mark. Nothing stuck but I had a lovely time and met some wonderful people. At around the 2 year mark MM came back into my life, middle of divorce and in therapy himself.

It took a long time for me to move past it all but I opted to give the relationship another chance. We have been together officially for over 3.5 years because we both worked on ourselves.

However, and I don't say this to encourage affairs because the whole thing was awful and the first 6 months we were together properly were hard work and anxiety, and discussing the reasons forbthe affair and what we had done to each other and our ex partners.

There were times in that first 6 months where I was constantly fearful he would change his mind, that i would never fully trust him, that all the triggers would always be too much.

It takes work if ever it will work and most times it doesn't vut very occasionally it does.

[torn_heart]

Yes, I know I have to keep working on my self, but time is passing by very slow, and for each day it goes by, the fear grows. It's weird. 

In a couple of days she is gonna reach me because I helped her rent her apartment and she said she would sent me the receipt each time she paid her rent.

I suck, because I don't know how to handle her messages, she was the person I could always talk directly about everything and how I feel, now I feel I have to push all that down. 

And I know she could be on the same scenario, but I don't know. 

[torn_heart]

@Buttercupp right now I think I feel like your MM. I'm terrified that she is going to tell me "we need to talk" or "can I speak honestly?" Because I feel it might be the absolute end. 

[Buttercupp]

30 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

@Buttercupp right now I think I feel like your MM. I'm terrified that she is going to tell me "we need to talk" or "can I speak honestly?" Because I feel it might be the absolute end. 

@torn_heart I wont lie.. part of me regrets asking him if I can can honest because I constantly think about his response "no please don't" I can't help but feel ite because he doesn't care.

Also feel with me saying that even though he has no idea what I was going to say has changed things. It confused me though as I told him to his face months ago that I had feelings for him and wanted more so don't see why me saying that or similar now would make a major difference because nothing would change. I think I just want to know what he feels for me, like does he care for me at all? Does he just want to use me for you know one thing, but same time I think he pursued me for years and then this happened so why would he risk his marriage just to use someone for sex but then again that's all It could be, if it was then wouldn't it be easier to end?

I dont know I have all these thoughts on why he told me not to speak openly. I still don't understand it.  He says everytime we met up it needs to stop so why wouldnt he want me to speak openly because if it ended, then isnt that what he wanted? I'm scared he doesn't feel anything for me but I am prepared for it too but I'd be sooo hurt if he was using me this whole time, but part of me thinks he does feel something just can't do anything with it.

I understand the terrified feeling your feeling. Your OW will be feeling It too. She will be having all these emotions and confusion thoughts. But you both need to do NC and both clear your heads to then figure out ans decide what you both want.

Who knows at the end of your process you might not even want either girl. Maybe it will help you figure out what you really want. But only time will tell. You need to give yourself and the situation time.

Easier said than done, trust me I know. But you'll do it  

[NYAG]

12 hours ago, Buttercupp said:

@torn_heart I wont lie.. part of me regrets asking him if I can can honest because I constantly think about his response "no please don't" I can't help but feel ite because he doesn't care.

Also feel with me saying that even though he has no idea what I was going to say has changed things. It confused me though as I told him to his face months ago that I had feelings for him and wanted more so don't see why me saying that or similar now would make a major difference because nothing would change. I think I just want to know what he feels for me, like does he care for me at all? Does he just want to use me for you know one thing, but same time I think he pursued me for years and then this happened so why would he risk his marriage just to use someone for sex but then again that's all It could be, if it was then wouldn't it be easier to end?

I dont know I have all these thoughts on why he told me not to speak openly. I still don't understand it.  He says everytime we met up it needs to stop so why wouldnt he want me to speak openly because if it ended, then isnt that what he wanted? I'm scared he doesn't feel anything for me but I am prepared for it too but I'd be sooo hurt if he was using me this whole time, but part of me thinks he does feel something just can't do anything with it.

I understand the terrified feeling your feeling. Your OW will be feeling It too. She will be having all these emotions and confusion thoughts. But you both need to do NC and both clear your heads to then figure out ans decide what you both want.

Who knows at the end of your process you might not even want either girl. Maybe it will help you figure out what you really want. But only time will tell. You need to give yourself and the situation time.

Easier said than done, trust me I know. But you'll do it  

To a certain extent he was always using you. That's what they do, that's the situation. You are the OW. The MM that I am mixed up with at the moment told me that in his previous affair he had to end it because his AP wanted more with him and he couldn't offer it. That's the line. He will never leave his wife. He's way too terrified of the outcome. He is resigned to their disjointed relationship until the day he dies. Fine by me. That was a conversation we had before we got started. I would never date an MM I risked falling for. They are non-accessible. It's a stop gap. I think if you're going to get into a situation like this, knowing the limits from the off is so important. Communication is essential. Leave no grey areas and address any that come up. That works for the married partner as well as the AP. @torn_heart I agree you need to go NC. You can't get your head clear when you have influence from either side. Do you fear losing one, or the other, or is it being alone that worries you?

[Buttercupp]

32 minutes ago, NYAG said:

To a certain extent he was always using you. That's what they do, that's the situation. You are the OW. The MM that I am mixed up with at the moment told me that in his previous affair he had to end it because his AP wanted more with him and he couldn't offer it. That's the line. He will never leave his wife. He's way too terrified of the outcome. He is resigned to their disjointed relationship until the day he dies. Fine by me. That was a conversation we had before we got started. I would never date an MM I risked falling for. They are non-accessible. It's a stop gap. I think if you're going to get into a situation like this, knowing the limits from the off is so important. Communication is essential. Leave no grey areas and address any that come up. That works for the married partner as well as the AP. @torn_heart I agree you need to go NC. You can't get your head clear when you have influence from either side. Do you fear losing one, or the other, or is it being alone that worries you?

@NYAG I do agree. The thing is and it isnt an excuse is my MM told me way back at the start he wasn't married anymore, and I sort of believed it as there wasn't any recent updated pics or anything of him and his wife on social media, so I took his word and when we met up he took his wedding ring off. Until I realised he was still married I called him out. So at the start I went into this thinking he was single, I didn't expect to fall for him either but everything about him was what I wanted and looked for in a man so I was hooked. When i found out he was still married, it was hard yeah to realise I had been deceived and he couldn't give me an answer to why he lied. And yes I had the choice then to end it.... so I am at fault cause I didnt, I continued with the hope that maybe their marriage was rocky and would end anyway. Fast forward 6 mk the later and im still in the same situation. 

The issue I have is he didn't communicate clearly with me at the start so trying ti get him to speak openly is hard. He has admitted he does struggle and does want to see me but it isnt enough.

The other issue is... I need to be strong to end it. The reason this keeps happening is even though he says we must stop, it's always him who reaches out and I give in. Where as ive never ended it, I've never put a stop to it and I think we both know that when I say no, I am not doing this then it will be the end. And I think that's why he won't communicate with me and also why I haven't ended it yet. Cause I'm holding on, I don't have the courage yet to end it so I just leave it hanging like this..... but I know I need to end it. I do t want to be a side chick. But it isn't healthy and I know I need to just be brave and end it

[torn_heart]

2 hours ago, NYAG said:

To a certain extent he was always using you. That's what they do, that's the situation. You are the OW. The MM that I am mixed up with at the moment told me that in his previous affair he had to end it because his AP wanted more with him and he couldn't offer it. That's the line. He will never leave his wife. He's way too terrified of the outcome. He is resigned to their disjointed relationship until the day he dies. Fine by me. That was a conversation we had before we got started. I would never date an MM I risked falling for. They are non-accessible. It's a stop gap. I think if you're going to get into a situation like this, knowing the limits from the off is so important. Communication is essential. Leave no grey areas and address any that come up. That works for the married partner as well as the AP. @torn_heart I agree you need to go NC. You can't get your head clear when you have influence from either side. Do you fear losing one, or the other, or is it being alone that worries you?

Im afraid of losing either of them. Right now I fear more losing OW than my gf but for reasons I already mentioned. 

The main issue I have is that I feel my relationship with OW is that it's like there are no lies between us. The lies are to the outside world. Kinda weird, I know.

With my gf (it's something I've been looking at with my therapist) there have always been secrets or lies, like, I don't know anything about her past relationships, she didn't want to talk about them when the subject rose when we started. Also she has been lying about her age, which I've never confronted, and some other ones. I know, this doesn't entitles me to cheat on her, but it's something that came up on why I treasure my relationship with OW so much. 

[Stupidkupid]

1 hour ago, torn_heart said:

Im afraid of losing either of them. Right now I fear more losing OW than my gf but for reasons I already mentioned. 

The main issue I have is that I feel my relationship with OW is that it's like there are no lies between us. The lies are to the outside world. Kinda weird, I know.

With my gf (it's something I've been looking at with my therapist) there have always been secrets or lies, like, I don't know anything about her past relationships, she didn't want to talk about them when the subject rose when we started. Also she has been lying about her age, which I've never confronted, and some other ones. I know, this doesn't entitles me to cheat on her, but it's something that came up on why I treasure my relationship with OW so much. 

I think it's okay to have a soft spot for the relationship but while there is any contact you won't be able to clear your head and work out if you want to be in a relationship with anyone at all.

Have you been completely honest with your OW all the way through? If so, that would be monumentally unusual.

The MM (my now partner, as I said before, after 2 years of NC, divorce and therapy for each of us) in my case was largely honest... in that, the things he told me were basically true, but not wholly. I know this as his now ex-wife told me in one of the many calls and e-mails she made to me after he left her and she went through his old e-mails and call logs. She inadvertently confirmed the lies and truths for it all, bringing me an odd closure but I fear making it worse for her.

The reason I tell you this is that I think you saying their are no lies between us cannot be wholly true, there will be omissions etc but for me and my partner, the 'no lies between us' is post the A when he said to me, "You have seen the absolute worst of me, that is the worst person I could ever be. You know my skeletons as you have been a part of them" it was him saying, post therapy, that our relationship is laid bare. But it is so hard in the early stages to be with your AP.

My view is that you need to focus on yourself and cut both women out. If they don't want you afterwards, then fine, at least you will be in a healthy place to move on for yourself. But for now, you do need full NC. It took 2 years of NC and then a further 6 months and almost negotiations. Don't expect to want to go back to either and don't expect them to take you if you do, work through it with your therapist and find a way to make yourself content somehow. Otherwise you may find you are always stuck.

[torn_heart]

On 5/17/2021 at 10:24 AM, Stupidkupid said:

I think it's okay to have a soft spot for the relationship but while there is any contact you won't be able to clear your head and work out if you want to be in a relationship with anyone at all.

Have you been completely honest with your OW all the way through? If so, that would be monumentally unusual.

The MM (my now partner, as I said before, after 2 years of NC, divorce and therapy for each of us) in my case was largely honest... in that, the things he told me were basically true, but not wholly. I know this as his now ex-wife told me in one of the many calls and e-mails she made to me after he left her and she went through his old e-mails and call logs. She inadvertently confirmed the lies and truths for it all, bringing me an odd closure but I fear making it worse for her.

The reason I tell you this is that I think you saying their are no lies between us cannot be wholly true, there will be omissions etc but for me and my partner, the 'no lies between us' is post the A when he said to me, "You have seen the absolute worst of me, that is the worst person I could ever be. You know my skeletons as you have been a part of them" it was him saying, post therapy, that our relationship is laid bare. But it is so hard in the early stages to be with your AP.

My view is that you need to focus on yourself and cut both women out. If they don't want you afterwards, then fine, at least you will be in a healthy place to move on for yourself. But for now, you do need full NC. It took 2 years of NC and then a further 6 months and almost negotiations. Don't expect to want to go back to either and don't expect them to take you if you do, work through it with your therapist and find a way to make yourself content somehow. Otherwise you may find you are always stuck.

Yea, since one day I promised OW to he 100% honest like a year ago, I kept it.

Yesterday, as I expected, she reached out to tell me about the rent payment, and I kept the conversation going for chit chat.

In the afternoon, I has a session with my therapist, and I came into the realization that my relationship with my gf is built into some false pretenses, we have always been very protective of each other, I haven't talked about her about past relationships, and neither she. She is very lonely, almost no friends, her biggest support is her sister that lives in another city, and here I feel that I'm her everything. And found out that myabe even more than love I've felt some responsibility or obligation towards her because of me being her support, now add the guilt of the affair. 

I think I'll have to end this relationship (8 years) and fight the urge to go running to the OW. This is too hard. My therapist told me that maybe the relationship with my gf has been this long, it's also because my affair helped it, without it it might have ended years ago. And damn, I'm kicking myself.

it's been 3 weeks since we "finished" the affair, but feel as sad as day one. 

I know I have to keep the NC, now I can, at least for a month, but the thought of losing her still terrifies me. Even my therapist tells me to keep NC.