Struggling with end of affair

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Minnie Moo said:

@Starswillshine Yes. He knew all about it. He knows so much about it and about my circumstances. We’ve talked for hours and hours and hours.  There’s not much he doesn’t know.  

This just hurts my heart. So much trauma for you - not once, but twice! I’m glad you have that appointment with the counsellor. 

[Allupinnit]

4 hours ago, Minnie Moo said:

@Starswillshine Yes. He knew all about it. He knows so much about it and about my circumstances. We’ve talked for hours and hours and hours.  There’s not much he doesn’t know.  

He's incredibly manipulative and how egregious of him to threaten suicide given your past (or at ALL for that matter).

This is straight out of an abuser's handbook - ignore to get a response, and threaten harm to himself if you don't comply with what he wants.  I dated an abusive a-hole in my early 20's and now I can spot that crap a mile away - they really aren't all that different with their tactics.  They just hate losing control of a sitch.

It will take some time for your heart to become untangled but once again please don't doubt yourself and maintain your resolve.  Stalking him or his wife on social media counts, too - so stop that!  You won't see anything that will make you feel any better.  

[elaine567]

8 hours ago, Minnie Moo said:

he also divulged he was now on antidepressants, sleeping tablets and having counselling for Sexual OCD and depression

That, and the fact he was married and lied about his wife being pregnant,  was you cue to get out of there as fast as possible, not stick around and try to "fix him.
Don't ever do that again.

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

Did he know this about your husband? That he took his own life and blamed you? 

This all sounds like major manipulation. And if he knew about what happened with your husband, it is a new level of cruel manipulation. 

27 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

He's incredibly manipulative and how egregious of him to threaten suicide given your past (or at ALL for that matter).

This is straight out of an abuser's handbook - ignore to get a response, and threaten harm to himself if you don't comply with what he wants.

 

Gotta say I agree, this is all pretty egregious even within the rather low bar of affairs.

[BaileyB]

47 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

That, and the fact he was married and lied about his wife being pregnant,  was you cue to get out of there as fast as possible, not stick around and try to "fix him.
Don't ever do that again.

Indeed. OP was thirsty and he came along like a tall, cool drink of water... 
There is a definite pattern to the men you are choosing OP. It’s your job now to figure out why such that you can make healthier decisions for yourself in the future. Best to be single when you do this - you’ve got some healing to do. Good luck! 

Edited March 9, 2021 by BaileyB

[vla1120]

On 3/7/2021 at 5:37 PM, Minnie Moo said:

I think what I’m looking for advice/reassurance on is that 

1. I definitely did the right thing in ending the affair. 

Ending the affair is ALWAYS the right thing to do, especially since you know he lied to you from day one, and he got his wife pregnant while carrying on with you.

2, We really couldn’t have ‘downgraded’ to being just friends - does that ever work after an affair and why would he want to do that? 

I suspect he would have tried to constantly move from being friends to FWB, etc. No. I do not believe trying to stay friends after an affair ever works - for anyone.

3. I’m doing the right thing by not telling his wife, even though he had no qualms about getting her pregnant whilst still carrying on an affair.

You have to ask yourself what you are gaining by telling the wife. Is it only to exact revenge on him? Is that fair to her? If it is because you feel bad for her (girl code), you would have ended the affair as soon as you realized he was lying to you about being married, etc.

4. I wasn’t being ‘mean’ and ‘horrribe’ to him by ending things over text and being so damned harsh about it.  I feel awful for how it’s all ended , knowing I was practically the only person he spoke to other than his wife about his depression and anxiety.  

Who cares if you were being mean and horrible to him by ending things over text? He was awful to you and to his wife for carrying on the affair and for blatantly lying to you from day one. He's a manipulator and will just continue to manipulate you if you allow him. Stay no contact. Heal and learn from this experience and move forward with a clear conscience. 🙂

 

[NYAG]

I am late to the party on this topic @Minnie Moo but I wanted to throw my twopennethworth in. You absolutely made the right decision to end this. You took the upper hand. Well done you. I KNOW this is tough and it breaks your heart because of what you thought you had. Ultimately this was only ever going to end up messy because he has a wife, a family and he is clearly still sleeping with his wife no matter what he was telling you. You were always going to come out ending it or having your heart broken.

The man is also clearly a seasoned pro judging by his behaviour, and the rumours you heard are testament to that. I would always listen to rumours. There is rarely smoke without fire in these cases.

Do not blame yourself. You didn't go out looking for this, he found you. He's a predator, that's what he does. You had no experience or knowledge of what he was doing to be able to arm yourself with the tools to deal with it. And he knew that. He should be ashamed but of course he won't be because this is what he does. He's a sociopath, and, sad to say, you probably aren't the only one currently on his books. It's one thing if the marriage is on the rocks, but it clearly isn't. The man is an A hole.

This is a lesson learned, a stepping stone on your way to finding a partner who will treat you like a human being. I have learned so many lessons in my dating life. I haven't learned them all but I have learned to use caution and to weigh up each case on its own merits. I don't know if it's possible but feel free to DM me if you want. I hope things improve for you, but never ever feel like this was your fault. x

[Minnie Moo]

1 hour ago, Allupinnit said:

He's incredibly manipulative and how egregious of him to threaten suicide given your past (or at ALL for that matter).

This is straight out of an abuser's handbook - ignore to get a response, and threaten harm to himself if you don't comply with what he wants.  I dated an abusive a-hole in my early 20's and now I can spot that crap a mile away - they really aren't all that different with their tactics.  They just hate losing control of a sitch.

It will take some time for your heart to become untangled but once again please don't doubt yourself and maintain your resolve.  Stalking him or his wife on social media counts, too - so stop that!  You won't see anything that will make you feel any better.  

He hasn’t directly threatened suicide just made sure I know (when he’s been off radar for a few days after a disagreement) that he was sat with a rope contemplating. 

when we had a row over the (surprise) baby announcement on FB. He said he couldn’t deal and had nearly told his wife everything but didn’t and that if I did I basically ‘had his life in my hands’. 
 

so even though I know his wife should really be told (somehow?) I don’t want his mental health to be on my conscience nor do I want to cause pain and upset to a pregnant lady.  
 

my heart and head are torn over the whole thing. I wish to goodness I’d just seen that he was married and walked away but I can’t  my actions now 😞 

[Minnie Moo]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Indeed. OP was thirsty and he came along like a tall, cool drink of water... 
There is a definite pattern to the men you are choosing OP. It’s your job now to figure out why such that you can make healthier decisions for yourself in the future. Best to be single when you do this - you’ve got some healing to do. Good luck! 

Yes lots of soul searching and healing and trying to figure out where the hell my brain went.  
i guess fortunately- thanks to covid. Staying single is currently the only option anyway. Hopefully by the time things start to open up again I will be in a much better place mentally and will have well and truly straightened  out my picker! 🤞

thank you. 

[Allupinnit]

3 minutes ago, Minnie Moo said:

He hasn’t directly threatened suicide just made sure I know (when he’s been off radar for a few days after a disagreement) that he was sat with a rope contemplating. 

when we had a row over the (surprise) baby announcement on FB. He said he couldn’t deal and had nearly told his wife everything but didn’t and that if I did I basically ‘had his life in my hands’. 
 

so even though I know his wife should really be told (somehow?) I don’t want his mental health to be on my conscience nor do I want to cause pain and upset to a pregnant lady.  
 

my heart and head are torn over the whole thing. I wish to goodness I’d just seen that he was married and walked away but I can’t  my actions now 😞 

I wouldn't trust a thing this man tells you.  His mental health is not your concern.  Honestly he sounds like a drama queen.  

[Minnie Moo]

58 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

 

Thank you for the straightforward answers. Much appreciated.  
 

I would be telling his wife because in my heart of hearts I don’t believe I’m the first nor will I be the last. I know it would be heartbreaking for her to know but maybe better to know now than years down the line with even more kids (he wants a big family) and no ‘easy’ way out should she want to.  

They met in 2014, Married in 2016 and had their first kid in 2017   
There were rumours about him and his ‘dance partner’ back in 2018/2019 but this was before I knew of or met him  and I didn’t hear about them until I was months into the affair   
the other lady I know of was from March 2020 but she didn’t respond to him   
so in x5 years of marriage he’s already been linked to x3 people  

He was really dismissive and rude about his wife in the beginning and basically said if she would sleep with him at home and stop being horrid to him then he wouldn’t be straying.  He said the same at the beginning of lockdown. I’d suggest they try sort things out and I step away and every time he said No. he couldn’t stand being at home with her and he was using every opportunity (work, shopping, fishing, bike ride, taking his kid to the park) to get out and speak to me. 
maybe in the back of my head every time he reinforced he didn’t get on with her/wasn’t sleeping with her/didn’t want to be at home I felt ‘special’ that he’d chosen me to call.   Clearly I have MUG written on my forehead in neon lighting! 
 

[Minnie Moo]

24 minutes ago, NYAG said:

I am late to the party on this topic @Minnie Moo but I wanted to throw my twopennethworth in. You absolutely made the right decision to end this. You took the upper hand. Well done you. I KNOW this is tough and it breaks your heart because of what you thought you had. Ultimately this was only ever going to end up messy because he has a wife, a family and he is clearly still sleeping with his wife no matter what he was telling you. You were always going to come out ending it or having your heart broken.

The man is also clearly a seasoned pro judging by his behaviour, and the rumours you heard are testament to that. I would always listen to rumours. There is rarely smoke without fire in these cases.

Do not blame yourself. You didn't go out looking for this, he found you. He's a predator, that's what he does. You had no experience or knowledge of what he was doing to be able to arm yourself with the tools to deal with it. And he knew that. He should be ashamed but of course he won't be because this is what he does. He's a sociopath, and, sad to say, you probably aren't the only one currently on his books. It's one thing if the marriage is on the rocks, but it clearly isn't. The man is an A hole.

This is a lesson learned, a stepping stone on your way to finding a partner who will treat you like a human being. I have learned so many lessons in my dating life. I haven't learned them all but I have learned to use caution and to weigh up each case on its own merits. I don't know if it's possible but feel free to DM me if you want. I hope things improve for you, but never ever feel like this was your fault. x

@NYAG Yes. All of this. But I cannot negate or downplay my role in enabling any of what happened.  
I am just as much to blame in that I figured ‘I don’t have a spouse’ so I’m not answerable to anyone surely.  I hadn’t reckoned on being morally answerable to both myself and his wife and I will never forgive myself for getting involved like this. I told him on my text (if he read it) that if he turned up at my dance venue,  bad mouthed me or I heard of his name being linked to anyone else again other than his wife then I would tell her.  I also told him I kept copies of a lot of our conversations (from when he started being odd with me so I could re-read and figure out what was going on) 

He always told me to delete everything he sent me and for some stupid reason I did. (I have no one at home to hide from so no idea why I complied 🤷🏼‍♀️). 
 

Anyway I hadn’t kept them with the intention of sending them his wife they are for me to learn our behaviour patterns from. But he doesn’t know that and doesn’t know what I have saved so I imagine I’ve scared him to death saying that.  
 

I’ve no idea how to DM on this site yet. Sorry. Still figuring out the posting and replying side of things.  

[Minnie Moo]

Oh have I mentioned that he used to be involved in the Swingers scene? 
And that he once took part in a porn film because he was short on cash.  
not that either of those things are are problem in and of themselves but coupled with everything else that’s happened since those days.  
 

I asked him the other day if he loved his wife. He said he loved his family and she had ‘saved’ him and he would never leave them or give them up.   I hadn’t asked him because I wanted him to leave her. I was just asking out of curiosity of what he would say.  

Edited March 9, 2021 by Minnie Moo

[Minnie Moo]

2 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

He's incredibly manipulative and how egregious of him to threaten suicide given your past (or at ALL for that matter).

This is straight out of an abuser's handbook - ignore to get a response, and threaten harm to himself if you don't comply with what he wants.  I dated an abusive a-hole in my early 20's and now I can spot that crap a mile away - they really aren't all that different with their tactics.  They just hate losing control of a sitch.

It will take some time for your heart to become untangled but once again please don't doubt yourself and maintain your resolve.  Stalking him or his wife on social media counts, too - so stop that!  You won't see anything that will make you feel any better.  

I cannot stalk him on social media (we only have FB) as he’s totally blocked me. I was never allowed on his ‘friends’ list anyway. Was always going to be a secret.  
 

I can however still look at his wife’s profile pics and currently dont have the strength to block them. The Christmas pic of them standing together with their little boy and her baby bump is serving as an acute reminder of what I’ve ruined.  

[hajk]

3 hours ago, Minnie Moo said:

Oh have I mentioned that he used to be involved in the Swingers scene? 
And that he once took part in a porn film because he was short on cash.  
not that either of those things are are problem in and of themselves but coupled with everything else that’s happened since those days.

@Minnie Moo the more info you provided, the more shady he looked.  I'm sorry you got involved with him.  You made the right decision to end the affair.  Don't look back and question your decision.  Best of luck moving forward.

Edited March 9, 2021 by hajk

[Minnie Moo]

33 minutes ago, hajk said:

@Minnie Moo the more info you provided, the more shady he looked.  I'm sorry you got involved with him.  You made the right decision to end the affair.  Don't look back and question your decision.  Best of luck moving forward.

@hajk 

thank you 😊 

He has many good qualities when he takes down his walls and is honest.  

I think sadly he is just more broken than me.  

 ...and it’s not my job to fix him or make sure he’s alright.  
 

 

Edited March 9, 2021 by Minnie Moo

[Minnie Moo]

I am clearly rubbish at NC and this is why I asked him to block me too.  

I block on FB and messenger etc but have unblocked everything again today. Spent most of the day crying and eventually phoned him from my landline and left a couple of messages asking if we could talk.  
 

I haven’t got his number saved I know it off by heart and today I just hoped he would pick up the phone so I could hear his voice.  

I guess from tomorrow I have to start NC all over again  😞 

4 weeks on from last we actually spoke and 3 weeks since I sent the texts the withdrawal is getting far too overwhelming and I failed in distracting myself and not caving.  This really blummin sucks! 
 

he hasn’t replied or phoned or unblocked me so I’m guessing that’s my final answer from him.  

[Happy Lemming]

I've got a suggestion... may or may not work.

Have you thought about acquiring a FWB partner??  Perhaps this will provide you with some distraction... keep your mind off your previous relationship??  Have some fun with someone else... this may be the ticket to maintaining NC from the MM??

[FMW]

2 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Have you thought about acquiring a FWB partner?? 

That's what I did, and it did help me move on.  I've got a thread on that too, @Minnie Moo.  My situation was probably different than most, he really was a friend (still is), we just added the benefits for a year.  But given the right situation, it might be an option for you to consider.  

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Have you thought about acquiring a FWB partner??

For a woman who is very lonely and craving intimacy, I don’t see this working well. It’s highly likely that she will become attached and the relationship is unlikely to meet her needs for companionship, intimacy, and a life partner. And I have to say, I feel like that would make me feel even worse. 

 

[FMW]

15 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

unlikely to meet her needs for companionship, intimacy, and a life partner

FWB aren't meant to fill those needs, at least not the "life partner" part.  But it can certainly provide a great distraction and stop you from continuing contact with the person you need to leave alone. They're usually transitional, and can be helpful when you feel the need to take time before being ready for a "real" relationship. 

@Minnie Moo would of course have to be honest with herself about her ability to handle such an arrangement, knowing there was an expiration date from the very beginning.  Some people can handle it and benefit and enjoy it.  Others can't.  We're certainly not all made the same.      

[Happy Lemming]

31 minutes ago, FMW said:

 They're usually transitional, and can be helpful when you feel the need to take time before being ready for a "real" relationship. 

@Minnie Moo

Yes...  A few years back I got a call from an ex-girlfriend (amicable breakup).  She had just been dumped by this guy that she really loved.  He said a lot of mean things to her and made her feel "ugly".  She was inconsolable.

Long story... short, she and I started an FWB arrangement.  This arrangement made her feel better about herself.  I made her feel "pretty" and she was able to get over the ex-boyfriend.  Our FWB arrangement ran its course, she healed and we discontinued the "benefits" portion. 

[Minnie Moo]

4 hours ago, FMW said:

FWB aren't meant to fill those needs, at least not the "life partner" part.  But it can certainly provide a great distraction and stop you from continuing contact with the person you need to leave alone. They're usually transitional, and can be helpful when you feel the need to take time before being ready for a "real" relationship. 

@Minnie Moo would of course have to be honest with herself about her ability to handle such an arrangement, knowing there was an expiration date from the very beginning.  Some people can handle it and benefit and enjoy it.  Others can't.  We're certainly not all made the same.      

@FMW @BaileyB @Happy Lemming Thank you guys. You’ve put a smile on my face suggesting this.  
It could well work. I have had a FWB for about 6 months not long after my hubby died and it helped loads - and no messy ‘breakup’ or sadness after and he made me feel amazing.  
It was purely a FWB though.  There were no nicknames, no in jokes, no texting or phone calls or hours spent talking, no sending songs or voicemails of singing.  All the stuff that my MM did that pulled me into a relationship even though I thought I could handle it as a FWB. 
 

I’d have to ensure I didn’t let someone do all those things again or I would become attached and want more.  
 

Main problem at the moment is blummin covid and lockdown. I’m physically unable to meet anyone else and with my kids home so much I’ve got zero chance of any privacy or time to myself anyway 🙈 
 

It’s definitely something to consider for when we can get out and about and meet people again. 

[Happy Lemming]

7 minutes ago, Minnie Moo said:

I’d have to ensure I didn’t let someone do all those things again or I would become attached and want more. 

 

Yes, you are correct... You have to set ground rules with the FWB partner.

8 minutes ago, Minnie Moo said:

@FMW @BaileyB@Happy Lemming Main problem at the moment is blummin covid and lockdown. I’m physically unable to meet anyone else...

 

I would ask around your friend circle.  I'm sure your friends have friends that know of someone that would enjoy being your FWB.

10 minutes ago, Minnie Moo said:

@FMW @BaileyB @Happy Lemming ...with my kids home so much I’ve got zero chance of any privacy...

 

Add that to your ground rules that your FWB comes over after the kids are in bed and there is no spending the night. 

Personally, I had one FWB and that was her rule #1... no spending the night.  We were finished, I got up, got dressed and left.  She owned her own business and had crazy work hours.  It didn't really bother me, I preferred to sleep in my own bed anyway.

"Where there is a will, there is a way" - Pauline Kael

[Minnie Moo]

10 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Yes, you are correct... You have to set ground rules with the FWB partner.

I would ask around your friend circle.  I'm sure your friends have friends that know of someone that would enjoy being your FWB.

Add that to your ground rules that your FWB comes over after the kids are in bed and there is no spending the night. 

Personally, I had one FWB and that was her rule #1... no spending the night.  We were finished, I got up, got dressed and left.  She owned her own business and had crazy work hours.  It didn't really bother me, I preferred to sleep in my own bed anyway.

"Where there is a will, there is a way" - Pauline Kael

My kids end up staying up later than me these days! I’m old 😆 

I wouldn’t really want it to be a friend of a friend. Could get awkward if any attachments do occur.  We can’t have other people in our houses atm anyway.  
 

I’m not totally convinced that the ‘getting over someone by getting under someone else’ adage does actually work so I’ll park the idea until later in the year (and when logistics are  better) anyway.  
 

kicking myself big time in that I had the offer of a FWB last year at around the same time I met my MM but I stayed faithful to my MM and turned him down. I truly did fall for the MM and the thought of sleeping with anyone else just didn’t seem right.  He knew about this offer too and kept putting the guy down and saying how promiscuous he was and how he wouldn’t be as good as him.  Jealousy? Possessiveness?  I was still chatting to other blokes I knew too but eventually gave them up as MM took up so much time and energy and was so persistent.  
Goodness knows whether I’ve missed out on Mr Right whilst falling for Mr Wrong.