Struggling with end of affair

[Minnie Moo]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. This is a good sign of healing. You're coming out of the fog.

@Wiseman2 

Well and truly.
If only I’d done all this background checking beforehand or better still just never gone near him. 

 

[Snakesalive]

4 minutes ago, Minnie Moo said:

If only I’d done all this background checking beforehand or better still just never gone near him.

Please don’t beat yourself up by wishing you had handled things differently. I’ve learned and am still learning how these feelings keep us stuck and stop us moving on . If you could have done better at the time you would have done better, hindsight is a wonderful thing but in life we all make choices and we have to forgive ourselves when we realise the choices we made weren’t the right ones .

The important thing is you’ve learnt some valuable lessons and will see the red flags next time -you can’t change the past but the present and the future are yours for the taking 

This  guy sounds like a real predator , conversely  you sound like a warm compassionate person -think about it -it would never have worked you’re just too different xo

[Minnie Moo]

18 minutes ago, Snakesalive said:

Please don’t beat yourself up by wishing you had handled things differently. I’ve learned and am still learning how these feelings keep us stuck and stop us moving on . If you could have done better at the time you would have done better, hindsight is a wonderful thing but in life we all make choices and we have to forgive ourselves when we realise the choices we made weren’t the right ones .

The important thing is you’ve learnt some valuable lessons and will see the red flags next time -you can’t change the past but the present and the future are yours for the taking 

This  guy sounds like a real predator , conversely  you sound like a warm compassionate person -think about it -it would never have worked you’re just too different xo

@Snakesalive 

Thank you for this reply 😊 

[Buttercupp]

8 hours ago, Minnie Moo said:

Don’t hate yourself.  Easier said than done I know.  And I’m struggling with that too.  
But don’t.  

I had a friend who I’d not known long leave me a lovely comment on a Fb profile I’d posted and another friend sent me a box of cookies as a *hug* I realised too that my friends see me totally differently to how I see myself and I was feeling so bad about deceiving them and behaving so badly when no one had a clue. Keeping secrets and lying isn’t who I am but I allowed myself to do that for this MM and whilst I’m angry at him for everything he’s done I’m also incredibly angry at myself too.  
 

Take the confidence that your friend’s comments have given you. Write them down somewhere and read them every day. Add to the list of positives that you know to be true about yourself and read it every day so that you build a better mental image of yourself.  
Basically we have to learn to ‘love’ ourselves and then it won’t matter if anyone else does or not.  
 

I am genuinely shocked about what I’m hearing about my exMM and it’s making me feel pretty sick tbh. Can’t believe I fell for his version of himself. 

@Minnie Moo thatd what we needed is to be reminded of the people we actually are and not these side bits to these men who want their happy married life and a secret women on the side to just be there when it suits them. Doesn't work that way and we are more deserving of that. And other people can see we are worth more than all that.

Thats a good  idea to write it all down and remind myself when those negative thoughts try creep back in.

And dont beat yourself up over not seeing the signs of doing the background checks, we live and learn and now this is something you've learned from and will be more aware in the future. This man sounds like he has serious sex issues, he cant just stick with one person so he is the one who really should be getting help as he is ruining alot of lives but the good thing is your seeing him for who he truly is and that will help you move on:)

 

Good luck with your counselling session or if you've had it already How did it go?

[NYAG]

8 minutes ago, Buttercupp said:

@Minnie Moo thatd what we needed is to be reminded of the people we actually are and not these side bits to these men who want their happy married life and a secret women on the side to just be there when it suits them. Doesn't work that way and we are more deserving of that. And other people can see we are worth more than all that.

Thats a good  idea to write it all down and remind myself when those negative thoughts try creep back in.

And dont beat yourself up over not seeing the signs of doing the background checks, we live and learn and now this is something you've learned from and will be more aware in the future. This man sounds like he has serious sex issues, he cant just stick with one person so he is the one who really should be getting help as he is ruining alot of lives but the good thing is your seeing him for who he truly is and that will help you move on:)

 

Good luck with your counselling session or if you've had it already How did it go?

Every relationship is a learning curve. It's never a waste.

[Minnie Moo]

6 hours ago, Buttercupp said:

@Minnie Moo thatd what we needed is to be reminded of the people we actually are and not these side bits to these men who want their happy married life and a secret women on the side to just be there when it suits them. Doesn't work that way and we are more deserving of that. And other people can see we are worth more than all that.

Thats a good  idea to write it all down and remind myself when those negative thoughts try creep back in.

And dont beat yourself up over not seeing the signs of doing the background checks, we live and learn and now this is something you've learned from and will be more aware in the future. This man sounds like he has serious sex issues, he cant just stick with one person so he is the one who really should be getting help as he is ruining alot of lives but the good thing is your seeing him for who he truly is and that will help you move on:)

 

Good luck with your counselling session or if you've had it already How did it go?

My counselling assessment went well. Very helpful and understanding lady. Going to look into CBT and some other options to try help with the deep seated issues that keep allowing me to repeat destructive behaviour patterns in my life.  Also to deal with the emotional abuse from my late husband and now all the thoughts and emotions the affair has brought to the surface. 🤞 it will be a start towards helping me learn to love and look after myself better.  
 

As for exMM I am well shot of him.  I had a video call with a lady who knew him before he was with his girlfriend/now wife and has kept tabs on him for a good few years and man oh man the stuff she told me about him and what he used to do/still does.  You really couldn’t make it up. He has serious issues especially when it comes to boundaries and sex and inappropriate behaviour.  It’s shocking what he’s been involved in and done/said to people.  
 

I’m just lucky I can walk away now and try move on but his heavily pregnant wife has no clue 😞 

[Buttercupp]

19 hours ago, Minnie Moo said:

My counselling assessment went well. Very helpful and understanding lady. Going to look into CBT and some other options to try help with the deep seated issues that keep allowing me to repeat destructive behaviour patterns in my life.  Also to deal with the emotional abuse from my late husband and now all the thoughts and emotions the affair has brought to the surface. 🤞 it will be a start towards helping me learn to love and look after myself better.  
 

As for exMM I am well shot of him.  I had a video call with a lady who knew him before he was with his girlfriend/now wife and has kept tabs on him for a good few years and man oh man the stuff she told me about him and what he used to do/still does.  You really couldn’t make it up. He has serious issues especially when it comes to boundaries and sex and inappropriate behaviour.  It’s shocking what he’s been involved in and done/said to people.  
 

I’m just lucky I can walk away now and try move on but his heavily pregnant wife has no clue 😞 

Thats great it went well and you can now work towards making yourself better and meeting someone who will fulfill your needs and not make you feel bad, upset or anything about yourself so that's all good.

I have my appointment next Thursday now, had an initial phone call and she said she can help as there are some deep rooted issues that are making me repeat the same behaviours and cycles. So hopefully it helps.

Oh really that's crazy that your finding more stuff out, this man seriously needs to get help by the sounds of it. You are so shot of him now and I hope it makes you feel better now. You deserve to be away from all that and find someone who will love and care for you and make you happy:) 

[Minnie Moo]

On 3/18/2021 at 7:29 PM, Buttercupp said:

Thats great it went well and you can now work towards making yourself better and meeting someone who will fulfill your needs and not make you feel bad, upset or anything about yourself so that's all good.

I have my appointment next Thursday now, had an initial phone call and she said she can help as there are some deep rooted issues that are making me repeat the same behaviours and cycles. So hopefully it helps.

Oh really that's crazy that your finding more stuff out, this man seriously needs to get help by the sounds of it. You are so shot of him now and I hope it makes you feel better now. You deserve to be away from all that and find someone who will love and care for you and make you happy:) 

Hi @Buttercupp

Im not even thinking about finding anyone else now for a while.  This has all been a massive slap in the face and wake up call that I need to do some serious work on sorting myself out before I head into anything with anyone else.  
 

And a massive red flag at how easily and quickly I can be drawn to the wrong person. 
 

Hopefully the counselling will help us both to be happy with ourselves and not look to others to fill a void in our lives. 

The stuff I am finding out about my exMM has seriously scared me into realising just how little you can know about someone when you only get to see/hear the parts of themselves that they allow you to.  

[NYAG]

4 hours ago, Minnie Moo said:

Hi @Buttercupp

Im not even thinking about finding anyone else now for a while.  This has all been a massive slap in the face and wake up call that I need to do some serious work on sorting myself out before I head into anything with anyone else.  
 

And a massive red flag at how easily and quickly I can be drawn to the wrong person. 
 

Hopefully the counselling will help us both to be happy with ourselves and not look to others to fill a void in our lives. 

The stuff I am finding out about my exMM has seriously scared me into realising just how little you can know about someone when you only get to see/hear the parts of themselves that they allow you to.  

I have a radar for getting into inappropriate relationships and falling for 'bad' people. This is the absolute story of my life. It's why I did single and casual relationships for 6 years. I have learned a lot about people and red flags and about myself. I'm still not sure I can be trusted with full time relationships, but I have learned to understand myself and my emotions. I'm back here again, although I think I have learned a lot over the last 6 years. This one will be 'different' *face palms* at least from the perspective of how I react to it.

[Minnie Moo]

32 minutes ago, NYAG said:

I have a radar for getting into inappropriate relationships and falling for 'bad' people. This is the absolute story of my life. It's why I did single and casual relationships for 6 years. I have learned a lot about people and red flags and about myself. I'm still not sure I can be trusted with full time relationships, but I have learned to understand myself and my emotions. I'm back here again, although I think I have learned a lot over the last 6 years. This one will be 'different' *face palms* at least from the perspective of how I react to it.

Really do hope so.  
we all deserve to be happy, appreciated and loved.  But we need to find that without compromising our own or someone else’s lives too.  
relationships - whatever form they take can be  complex and difficult to navigate especially when in the thick of things.  Hence the benefit of hindsight I guess.   
Look after yourself x 

[Snakesalive]

4 hours ago, Minnie Moo said:

The stuff I am finding out about my exMM has seriously scared me into realising just how little you can know about someone when you only get to see/hear the parts of themselves that they allow you to.  

This is so true , in my case I knew my MM used recreational drugs so to that end I did know this pretty ugly part of him.   But instead of seeing it as a huge red flag I bought into his explanation of “I use it as a way to cope with not being loved by my wife “  I felt sorry for him and tried to be the one to “fix him” . I compromised my own beliefs -I’m very anti any kind of drugs .  I’m so embarrassed now when I realise the blindingly obvious right thing to do was tell him I loved him , walk away and tell him to find me when he had kicked the habit and was free.  God why didn’t I see this -I’m a professional usually switched on woman but I let myself be blinded by “love”
 

I think a part of me wanted to be his saviour-it felt good to be the one he turned to for comfort -counselling has helped me admit this  and I’ve taken responsibility for this part but yes it’s really hard to think I let it happen 

Edited March 20, 2021 by Snakesalive

[Minnie Moo]

So update is as follows: 

I took the decision to try and let his wife know what has happened.  I didn’t take the decision lightly at all and I’m still not sure if I have done the ‘right’ thing or not. Feel free to tell me either way. 
I didn’t go direct.  With her being heavily pregnant i didn’t want to risk her reading something and not being somewhere ‘safe’ when she did.  
instead I messaged her auntie & cousin on Facebook.  I apologised for bringing them into it but thought it safer that someone who could judge when/if you tell her had the information instead of me landing it on her unexpectedly.  
 

Unsurprisingly they were not very pleasant to me at all.  I understand that. I get that. And I’ve took it on the chin. However I have explained that yes he did have an full blown affair with me for 18months but that I am not the only person he has approached or charmed outside of his marriage and I won’t be the last either. 
That it is his ego and his inappropriate  behaviour that is the root cause of the problem and he needs to be honest with his wife so she can decide for herself what she wants to happen in the future.  

I have only given them the details of my relationship with him and not listed everything else I have found out about him and I thought that would be a bit too much to be landing them with?  
 

I have apologised and apologised and explained that if she were not due a baby soon I would have gone direct but didn’t think that was a safe option. 
Also explained that ideally it should be her husband who is being honest with her and admitting he has issued that are affecting their marriage but that I cannot stand the thought of  knowing he will soon be back to another dance venue and starting on another girl once he is able and she is stuck at home with a toddler and new baby.  
 

Have also explained I never want to see him again and I’m not telling them with the view to him being kicked out and running to me. That’s the last thing I want.  
 

Ive explained and told them as best I can and have left the decision with them. 
Interestingly neither of them accused me of lying or making things up. Neither of them defended him or said they didn’t believe he would do that to his wife. Both of them agreed she needed to know.  Both of them hate me for telling them and for ruining their family but both of them instantly started calling him a scumbag and proclaiming ‘how dare he’.  
Does that mean on some level they already suspected/knew/had their doubts about him do you think? 
 

I feel like I’ve made the ‘right’ choice by finally deciding to try let her know rather than her finding out  ‘on the dance grapevine’ at a later date or years later when another affair partner tells her direct and by then she’s had more kids and has less choices about how to handle him.  
 

I don’t know. I felt sick sending it but instantly felt better for at least trying to make the ‘right’ decision having found out all that i now know about him.  
 

I did exchange a few messages with the auntie and cousin before I finally said I wasn’t carrying the conversation on as it was too painful and hurtful and they needed to focus on supporting her and getting him to sort himself out.  I wasn’t the root cause of the problem and he’s caused a lot of damage to me to so I need to protect myself from now on.  I’ve then blocked the conversation  and haven’t contacted them since. 
 

Am I a horrendous person for ‘coming clean’ and getting the information out there or should I have kept quiet and let him carry on with his awful behaviour behind her back.  
My heart and head were in agreement that she should ideally be told at some point.  My conscience is still trying to catch up on whether I am a horrible person or not for pressing send on a ‘bomb’ of a message.

😩😩😩

[Minnie Moo]

14 minutes ago, Snakesalive said:

This is so true , in my case I knew my MM used recreational drugs so to that end I did know this pretty ugly part of him.   But instead of seeing it as a huge red flag I bought into his explanation of “I use it as a way to cope with not being loved by my wife “  I felt sorry for him and tried to be the one to “fix him” . I compromised my own beliefs -I’m very anti any kind of drugs .  I’m so embarrassed now when I realise the blindingly obvious right thing to do was tell him I loved him , walk away and tell him to find me when he had kicked the habit and was free.  God why didn’t I see this -I’m a professional usually switched on woman but I let myself be blinded by “love”
 

I think a part of me wanted to be his saviour-it felt good to be the one he turned to for comfort -counselling has helped me admit this  and I’ve taken responsibility for this part but yes it’s really hard to think I let it happen 

oh gosh. Yes. Exactly all this. 
He told me about how he used sex at swingers clubs to ‘cure’ his depression and how he used to go dogging and how he has been suicidal and how if his wife would only sleep with him then he wouldn’t be falling for me.  Etc etc etc. And it felt so nice to be the one he confided in and wanted comfort and reassurance from and chose to spend his time and attention on.  
 

I think I also thought I could ‘fix’ him and help him in his life when actually I was just indulging his self absorbed, narcissistic behaviours whilst totally overriding my own morals and judgement due to being blinded by ‘love’.  
Interesting when you read other people’s accounts of what’s happened in their affairs as to how the themes and patterns of behaviour and events are so similar even if the exact circumstances differ.  
 

Glad counselling is helping and I’m really hoping it will help me too.  

[Snakesalive]

1 hour ago, Minnie Moo said:

actually I was just indulging his self absorbed, narcissistic behaviours whilst totally overriding my own morals and judgement due to being blinded by ‘love’.  
Interesting when you read other people’s

My therapist has said his behaviour is very typical covert narcissism  which can make it harder and more confusing for the people he is involved with to see the reality of them . Apparently being overly sexual is very typical, indulging in risky situations the drugs etc is text book. 
 

totally agree there are very similar themes which is bizarrely comforting in that we are not alone  

ultimately we will heal because we’re doing the work on ourselves through therapy-ironic really because they probably would benefit more than us given how broken they really are -pretty sad really . It’s their loss . 

I think ultimately my X MM  will go back to his wife -their choice of course good luck to them  

[NYAG]

2 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

This is so true , in my case I knew my MM used recreational drugs so to that end I did know this pretty ugly part of him.   But instead of seeing it as a huge red flag I bought into his explanation of “I use it as a way to cope with not being loved by my wife “  I felt sorry for him and tried to be the one to “fix him” . I compromised my own beliefs -I’m very anti any kind of drugs .  I’m so embarrassed now when I realise the blindingly obvious right thing to do was tell him I loved him , walk away and tell him to find me when he had kicked the habit and was free.  God why didn’t I see this -I’m a professional usually switched on woman but I let myself be blinded by “love”
 

I think a part of me wanted to be his saviour-it felt good to be the one he turned to for comfort -counselling has helped me admit this  and I’ve taken responsibility for this part but yes it’s really hard to think I let it happen 

The key thing to remember if you are dating an MM is 'you cannot fix them'. In those situations where I have been with an MM (or in fact even a single guy), I learned never to try to fix them. If you go into any relationship where you feel sorry for them, run for the hills! It is not your responsibility and it should not be your burden. They made their own mess, they have to fix it. They are grown adults. They made their own decisions as I made mine.

[Buttercupp]

2 hours ago, Minnie Moo said:

So update is as follows: 

I took the decision to try and let his wife know what has happened.  I didn’t take the decision lightly at all and I’m still not sure if I have done the ‘right’ thing or not. Feel free to tell me either way. 
I didn’t go direct.  With her being heavily pregnant i didn’t want to risk her reading something and not being somewhere ‘safe’ when she did.  
instead I messaged her auntie & cousin on Facebook.  I apologised for bringing them into it but thought it safer that someone who could judge when/if you tell her had the information instead of me landing it on her unexpectedly.  
 

Unsurprisingly they were not very pleasant to me at all.  I understand that. I get that. And I’ve took it on the chin. However I have explained that yes he did have an full blown affair with me for 18months but that I am not the only person he has approached or charmed outside of his marriage and I won’t be the last either. 
That it is his ego and his inappropriate  behaviour that is the root cause of the problem and he needs to be honest with his wife so she can decide for herself what she wants to happen in the future.  

I have only given them the details of my relationship with him and not listed everything else I have found out about him and I thought that would be a bit too much to be landing them with?  
 

I have apologised and apologised and explained that if she were not due a baby soon I would have gone direct but didn’t think that was a safe option. 
Also explained that ideally it should be her husband who is being honest with her and admitting he has issued that are affecting their marriage but that I cannot stand the thought of  knowing he will soon be back to another dance venue and starting on another girl once he is able and she is stuck at home with a toddler and new baby.  
 

Have also explained I never want to see him again and I’m not telling them with the view to him being kicked out and running to me. That’s the last thing I want.  
 

Ive explained and told them as best I can and have left the decision with them. 
Interestingly neither of them accused me of lying or making things up. Neither of them defended him or said they didn’t believe he would do that to his wife. Both of them agreed she needed to know.  Both of them hate me for telling them and for ruining their family but both of them instantly started calling him a scumbag and proclaiming ‘how dare he’.  
Does that mean on some level they already suspected/knew/had their doubts about him do you think? 
 

I feel like I’ve made the ‘right’ choice by finally deciding to try let her know rather than her finding out  ‘on the dance grapevine’ at a later date or years later when another affair partner tells her direct and by then she’s had more kids and has less choices about how to handle him.  
 

I don’t know. I felt sick sending it but instantly felt better for at least trying to make the ‘right’ decision having found out all that i now know about him.  
 

I did exchange a few messages with the auntie and cousin before I finally said I wasn’t carrying the conversation on as it was too painful and hurtful and they needed to focus on supporting her and getting him to sort himself out.  I wasn’t the root cause of the problem and he’s caused a lot of damage to me to so I need to protect myself from now on.  I’ve then blocked the conversation  and haven’t contacted them since. 
 

Am I a horrendous person for ‘coming clean’ and getting the information out there or should I have kept quiet and let him carry on with his awful behaviour behind her back.  
My heart and head were in agreement that she should ideally be told at some point.  My conscience is still trying to catch up on whether I am a horrible person or not for pressing send on a ‘bomb’ of a message.

😩😩😩

Hi @Minnie Moo wow you are really brave to have sent a message to the family. My hat goes off to you. How do you feel now?

With their reaction by instantly saying hes a scumbag then maybe they did suspect because surely they've heard stuff about him, there is no way he's managed to go about his behaviour and activities unnoticed all these years. People talk and people know people for example I told my cousin my story last night and showed her the MM and his wife and turns out my cousins daughter goes to the same school as the MM's oldest kid.... my cousin sees his wife every morning doing the school run... so its a very very small world so their reaction could be that its confirmed their suspicions. And I wouldn't be surprised if the wife already knows or suspects herself.

 

You are brave and strong to also take on the unpleasantness of their comments, so you are stronger than you think because how badly you were feeling recently about yourself then to take on bad comments is a sign you've got stronger because if that was me and I did that and then got the rath of them, when I'm still feeling so low and sad about it all then their comments would have knocked me for six so my hat goes off to you.

Has anything happened sign you dropped the bomb?

My update is there is no update.. Still haven't made contact with him. Still on each others Instagram and snapchat but im still blocked on fb. Im still angry at him but today I woke up feeling really sad  but not quite sure what I'm sad about? Maybe a mixture of everything.

My cousin said hes the one in he wrong because he lied when I asked if he was still married and went out his way to hide it when he could of told me straight for me to then make a decision to proceed or not but he lied said he wasn't married anymore so my heart went diving in yet my head was still doubting it. My own fault.

Anyway well done to you, hope your feeling ok and keep us updated on this situation :

[Buttercupp]

7 hours ago, Minnie Moo said:

Hi @Buttercupp

Im not even thinking about finding anyone else now for a while.  This has all been a massive slap in the face and wake up call that I need to do some serious work on sorting myself out before I head into anything with anyone else.  
 

And a massive red flag at how easily and quickly I can be drawn to the wrong person. 
 

Hopefully the counselling will help us both to be happy with ourselves and not look to others to fill a void in our lives. 

The stuff I am finding out about my exMM has seriously scared me into realising just how little you can know about someone when you only get to see/hear the parts of themselves that they allow you to.  

Im the same I brought some dating apps back to try help boost my self esteem but its not helping and I have no interest in speaking with them so probably going to delete the apps right now as I think I need to just focus on me.

So tired of it all.

Yeah part of me wonders about my xMM but I dont believe he's done this before, I think I am maybe the first as he had pursued me for 3 years and admitted he's fancied me since high school but at the same time I dont really know him properly now so I could be wrong. But I do feel for you as your finding all this stuff out but at the same time it must be able to help you forget about him or at least help you lose your love or feelings for him.

Hope your OK 

[elaine567]

@Minnie Moo
Does he know where you live?
I would be mindful of your personal safety.
This is a very stressful time for him with the baby due anytime and he may not appreciate his whole world blowing up on him....
Be careful.

[Minnie Moo]

6 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

@Minnie Moo
Does he know where you live?
I would be mindful of your personal safety.
This is a very stressful time for him with the baby due anytime and he may not appreciate his whole world blowing up on him....
Be careful.

Yes he knows where I live but he lives an hour and a half away. His car is falling apart and he is constantly short of money for petrol so I doubt a 3hr round trip to berate me would seem too appealing. But then you never know. 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

I have absolutely NO idea if/when her cousin & auntie will tell her or whether they will decide to sit on the information. I’ve said they could and then if she questions his behaviour in the future they can back it up with knowing he’s done it before.  I’ve left it in their hands and now blocked them on Fb/messenger so I guess I’ll never know what they decide to do.  
 

If they do decide to tell .. I’m hoping he’ll have  enough on his plate to deal with without trying to fit in taking revenge on me but then again you never know.  I have ears/eyes out waiting for any rumblings anyway.  🤞 I never see him ever again.  
I did say to them if I ever got the chance to apologise to her personally then I would do but I doubt it’ll ever come about.  
 

My feeling is they’ll keep quiet for now until after the baby is born (end of April) and then maybe tell him they know and he has to come clean with her himself or they’ll tell.  But I don’t know for sure.  

[Minnie Moo]

59 minutes ago, Snakesalive said:

My therapist has said his behaviour is very typical covert narcissism  which can make it harder and more confusing for the people he is involved with to see the reality of them . Apparently being overly sexual is very typical, indulging in risky situations the drugs etc is text book. 
 

totally agree there are very similar themes which is bizarrely comforting in that we are not alone  

ultimately we will heal because we’re doing the work on ourselves through therapy-ironic really because they probably would benefit more than us given how broken they really are -pretty sad really . It’s their loss . 

I think ultimately my X MM  will go back to his wife -their choice of course good luck to them  

It is bizarrely comforting to know we are not alone. And yes the risk taking and selfish behaviours along with being overtly sexual tie in with the narcissistic personality.  
it does make it very hard for people to see who they really are and therefore harder to break away from them too.  
 

Im looking forward to trying to understand and heal as there is no way I want to repeat any of this in future relationships.   I certainly won’t be wearing my heart on my sleeve anymore Thats for sure.  

[Minnie Moo]

@Buttercup

Im not ‘brave’ sending the message to her aunt and cousin. Foolish maybe but not brave.  I just couldn’t see a way I could make peace with the situation and what I’ve found out about him and his exploits if I didn’t at least try find a way of either telling her or confirming any already held suspicions.  
I’m fully aware it’s an awful thing to do to someone too so that makes me hate myself but I figured I’d hate myself more if I didn’t give her the heads up.  Whether she chooses to believe me or him or how she acts on that info if/once received is up to her and her alone.  

I most definitely don’t hope that it ends up with him leaving her and coming to me. He’ll get a punch on the nose and kick in the balls if he dares.  
 

At the end of the day I thought if it were me I’d want to know, ideally from my spouse but if he were lying/gaslighting me about suspicions I had then I’d look for/accept confirmation from elsewhere.  
 

It’s hard to explain how I feel because it’s still a mix of sadness that it’s over, missing him because I did love him, hating him for what he’s done to me, loneliness that I don’t have his company, relief that he’s not messing with my head/heart anymore and peace that I’ve tried to at least resolve a bit of the problem by ‘outing’ him so it hopefully won’t happen again.  

Oh and a healthy dose of worry about what retaliation there will be if she does get told.  

[Minnie Moo]

Erm guys. He’s unblocked me on FB/Messenger.  🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

I only noticed as I unblocked him to find something he’d written on a chat that I’d saved.  
Having the chat saved hasn’t been a problem as I just re-block him and because he’s had me blocked anyway there’s been no temptation to contact him.  
But for some reason I am currently unblocked?!?!  
 

possible reasons? 
 

1. His wife has been told by her auntie/cousin and he’s had to prove I’ve blocked him? 
 

2. his wife doesn’t yet know/hasn’t been told. Ergo He’s just being nosy as to whether he’s still blocked after 6 weeks of NC. 
 

3. It’s his birthday tomorrow and he’s selfishly hoping I won’t be able to resist sending him a Happy Birthday message.  
 

ARGH!!! 😩😩😩

I can’t re-block him for another 48hrs.  

[Allupinnit]

It doesn't matter why he's unblocked you.  Who cares?  Has anything changed?  No.  

Why were you looking for something in a chat with him?  That isn't NC.  

It seems to me you both enjoy playing this game.  Checking to see who is going to give in first, be honest you've been waiting to see when you were unblocked.  See how one tiny insignificant non-action from him gets you all spun?  Social media has made it possible for people to stay in each other's lives superficially and with zero effort.  

Stop doing this to yourself.

[BaileyB]

Agree with the statement above. 
If I had decided to stop talking to the man, it would not matter to me whether he was blocked or unblocked. 
The fact that it throws you for a loop is telling...

Edited March 22, 2021 by BaileyB

[NYAG]

9 hours ago, Minnie Moo said:

Erm guys. He’s unblocked me on FB/Messenger.  🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

I only noticed as I unblocked him to find something he’d written on a chat that I’d saved.  
Having the chat saved hasn’t been a problem as I just re-block him and because he’s had me blocked anyway there’s been no temptation to contact him.  
But for some reason I am currently unblocked?!?!  
 

possible reasons? 
 

1. His wife has been told by her auntie/cousin and he’s had to prove I’ve blocked him? 
 

2. his wife doesn’t yet know/hasn’t been told. Ergo He’s just being nosy as to whether he’s still blocked after 6 weeks of NC. 
 

3. It’s his birthday tomorrow and he’s selfishly hoping I won’t be able to resist sending him a Happy Birthday message.  
 

ARGH!!! 😩😩😩

I can’t re-block him for another 48hrs.  

Possible reasons include he's bored and wants to play stupid games with you again because he knows you're there waiting for him. Unfriend and lock your FB to friends only so he can't message you. Do not put temptation in his way.