Struggling with end of affair

[BaileyB]

Agree with the statement above. 
If I had decided to stop talking to the man, it would not matter to me whether he was blocked or unblocked. 
The fact that it throws you for a loop is telling...

Edited March 22, 2021 by BaileyB

[NYAG]

9 hours ago, Minnie Moo said:

Erm guys. He’s unblocked me on FB/Messenger.  🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

I only noticed as I unblocked him to find something he’d written on a chat that I’d saved.  
Having the chat saved hasn’t been a problem as I just re-block him and because he’s had me blocked anyway there’s been no temptation to contact him.  
But for some reason I am currently unblocked?!?!  
 

possible reasons? 
 

1. His wife has been told by her auntie/cousin and he’s had to prove I’ve blocked him? 
 

2. his wife doesn’t yet know/hasn’t been told. Ergo He’s just being nosy as to whether he’s still blocked after 6 weeks of NC. 
 

3. It’s his birthday tomorrow and he’s selfishly hoping I won’t be able to resist sending him a Happy Birthday message.  
 

ARGH!!! 😩😩😩

I can’t re-block him for another 48hrs.  

Possible reasons include he's bored and wants to play stupid games with you again because he knows you're there waiting for him. Unfriend and lock your FB to friends only so he can't message you. Do not put temptation in his way.

[NYAG]

7 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

It doesn't matter why he's unblocked you.  Who cares?  Has anything changed?  No.  

Why were you looking for something in a chat with him?  That isn't NC.  

It seems to me you both enjoy playing this game.  Checking to see who is going to give in first, be honest you've been waiting to see when you were unblocked.  See how one tiny insignificant non-action from him gets you all spun?  Social media has made it possible for people to stay in each other's lives superficially and with zero effort.  

Stop doing this to yourself.

Agree. If I unblock someone/notice they've unblocked me I know it's because secretly I want them to message me.

[Minnie Moo]

7 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

It doesn't matter why he's unblocked you.  Who cares?  Has anything changed?  No.  

Why were you looking for something in a chat with him?  That isn't NC.  

It seems to me you both enjoy playing this game.  Checking to see who is going to give in first, be honest you've been waiting to see when you were unblocked.  See how one tiny insignificant non-action from him gets you all spun?  Social media has made it possible for people to stay in each other's lives superficially and with zero effort.  

Stop doing this to yourself.

No, you’re right.  The reason why doesn’t matter.  I was just genuinely shocked he had.  
 

I keep the chat for now because it has some excellent examples of his manipulation and lies in it. When I need to prove to myself what he was like I can re-read it.  It is in my spam folder. It doesn’t show him when I read it and then I just block again  

i woke up this morning not even thinking about it/him so I’m taking that as good progress 

 

[Minnie Moo]

3 minutes ago, NYAG said:

Agree. If I unblock someone/notice they've unblocked me I know it's because secretly I want them to message me.

It’s so I can re read the chat history I kept where he lied big time about various things.  I’ll delete it now and then block him again when the 48 hours is up.  
 

He won’t message me.
He’s far more stubborn and unforgiving than me. It’s actually proven to me that I don’t care now if he doesn’t.  There’s nothing he can say to apologise enough for what he’s done.   

[NYAG]

2 minutes ago, Minnie Moo said:

No, you’re right.  The reason why doesn’t matter.  I was just genuinely shocked he had.  
 

I keep the chat for now because it has some excellent examples of his manipulation and lies in it. When I need to prove to myself what he was like I can re-read it.  It is in my spam folder. It doesn’t show him when I read it and then I just block again  

i woke up this morning not even thinking about it/him so I’m taking that as good progress 

 

You can download your FB chat to a file. It's much easier to store and removes your excuses for keeping him on your friends list. Get rid of him.

[Minnie Moo]

12 minutes ago, NYAG said:

You can download your FB chat to a file. It's much easier to store and removes your excuses for keeping him on your friends list. Get rid of him.

Didn’t know that could be done. Thank you.  
Will have a look later.  
He’s not on my friends list, never has been. I was never allowed to be a ‘visible’ friend.  
 

[Minnie Moo]

23 minutes ago, NYAG said:

Possible reasons include he's bored and wants to play stupid games with you again because he knows you're there waiting for him. Unfriend and lock your FB to friends only so he can't message you. Do not put temptation in his way.

He’s not on my friends list and can’t see my posts or friends list or anything other than my profile pic.  
I would imagine it’s because it’s his birthday and last year I sent him a really funny online card.  Won’t be doing that today.  

[RebeccaR]

I’m sorry, this is middle school stuff. Too bad everyone involved is a grown adult, and a child’s life is going to be affected.

[Minnie Moo]

23 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

I’m sorry, this is middle school stuff. Too bad everyone involved is a grown adult, and a child’s life is going to be affected.

He has a 3yr old and a baby on the way. If he’d given more thought to his wife and child at the start, non of this would have happened 😔

If I had been a stronger/better person at the start non of this would have happened.  

I can now archive the convo. Re block him and hopefully that’ll be us done for good.  
He needs to go concentrate on his family.  
 

[Buttercupp]

20 hours ago, Minnie Moo said:

Erm guys. He’s unblocked me on FB/Messenger.  🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

I only noticed as I unblocked him to find something he’d written on a chat that I’d saved.  
Having the chat saved hasn’t been a problem as I just re-block him and because he’s had me blocked anyway there’s been no temptation to contact him.  
But for some reason I am currently unblocked?!?!  
 

possible reasons? 
 

1. His wife has been told by her auntie/cousin and he’s had to prove I’ve blocked him? 
 

2. his wife doesn’t yet know/hasn’t been told. Ergo He’s just being nosy as to whether he’s still blocked after 6 weeks of NC. 
 

3. It’s his birthday tomorrow and he’s selfishly hoping I won’t be able to resist sending him a Happy Birthday message.  
 

ARGH!!! 😩😩😩

I can’t re-block him for another 48hrs.  

Hi @Minnie Moo

Sorry im late with replying been a busy few days, I meant to reply sooner. 

But I agree with most comments on here about him unblocking you. I know your shocked but dont even (I know you won't) but don't be tempted.

Because if the wife does know now she might even be checking to see if you initial contact so don't contact or anything. 

Be wary of the whole situation now thats what I would do x

[Minnie Moo]

19 minutes ago, Buttercupp said:

Hi @Minnie Moo

Sorry im late with replying been a busy few days, I meant to reply sooner. 

But I agree with most comments on here about him unblocking you. I know your shocked but dont even (I know you won't) but don't be tempted.

Because if the wife does know now she might even be checking to see if you initial contact so don't contact or anything. 

Be wary of the whole situation now thats what I would do x

Hi @Buttercupp 

No need to apologise. Hope you are doing well??? Have you had your counselling assessment as yet? Heard anything more re: MM circumstances? 
 

I do agree with everyone too and I’m not initiating contact. I think if his wife knew he would be absolutely terrified of making contact. I actually think it’s because he’s seeing whether I’ll send him a Birthday greeting.  He’ll know I know it’s his birthday and I’ll be wanting to send good wishes so he’s opened the door for me to do that.  
 

well I’m Not. I’m distracting myself as best I can and then in the morning it won’t be his birthday anymore and I won’t feel mean for not saying anything.  
 

 

[Buttercupp]

8 minutes ago, Minnie Moo said:

Hi @Buttercupp 

No need to apologise. Hope you are doing well??? Have you had your counselling assessment as yet? Heard anything more re: MM circumstances? 
 

I do agree with everyone too and I’m not initiating contact. I think if his wife knew he would be absolutely terrified of making contact. I actually think it’s because he’s seeing whether I’ll send him a Birthday greeting.  He’ll know I know it’s his birthday and I’ll be wanting to send good wishes so he’s opened the door for me to do that.  
 

well I’m Not. I’m distracting myself as best I can and then in the morning it won’t be his birthday anymore and I won’t feel mean for not saying anything.  
 

 

Hi @Minnie Moo

Yeah he could be doing that as men like to play those little games so as you said don't message and then he will see your not playing.

I go on Thursday evening for my first session.

We chatted on the consultation call last week and she feels she can help me and help me change my mindset and to view myself better and see my worth. Also she said she will help me figure out why I keep putting myself in these situations and why I gravitate towards men/people who hurt me and let me down. So im looking forward to it to finally get some help and clear my mind.

Regarding my xMM no updates, still no contact, I'm still blocked on fb well I think I am, I deactivated my page as I felt I would be too obsessed constantly checking so don't know if I'm blocked or not as I've not had my fb active for two weeks now. Stil on each others Instagram and snapchat and hes been viewing my stories I posted over the weekend as I was out long walks with my cousin etc but no contact between us.

Im still angry at him because he lied to me all this time. I feel used by him yet he goes about his day quite the thing yet im feeling this way so thr hurt and anger is helping me not reach out. I have a feeling he will reach out.. he will reach other when the storm has calmed down but I probably won't reply because if I stay angry then I won't reply.

I don't know if his wife is pregnant. My cousin sees her every morning at the school run but she was wearing a big jumper so can't tel if there is a bump or not. But it could even be early days so my cousin will see eventually if she is pregnant or not. But right now I'm just annoyed at him, annoyed at myself and annoyed it allowed this. But we live and learn I guess. 

[Minnie Moo]

30 minutes ago, Buttercupp said:

Hi @Minnie Moo

Yeah he could be doing that as men like to play those little games so as you said don't message and then he will see your not playing.

I go on Thursday evening for my first session.

We chatted on the consultation call last week and she feels she can help me and help me change my mindset and to view myself better and see my worth. Also she said she will help me figure out why I keep putting myself in these situations and why I gravitate towards men/people who hurt me and let me down. So im looking forward to it to finally get some help and clear my mind.

Regarding my xMM no updates, still no contact, I'm still blocked on fb well I think I am, I deactivated my page as I felt I would be too obsessed constantly checking so don't know if I'm blocked or not as I've not had my fb active for two weeks now. Stil on each others Instagram and snapchat and hes been viewing my stories I posted over the weekend as I was out long walks with my cousin etc but no contact between us.

Im still angry at him because he lied to me all this time. I feel used by him yet he goes about his day quite the thing yet im feeling this way so thr hurt and anger is helping me not reach out. I have a feeling he will reach out.. he will reach other when the storm has calmed down but I probably won't reply because if I stay angry then I won't reply.

I don't know if his wife is pregnant. My cousin sees her every morning at the school run but she was wearing a big jumper so can't tel if there is a bump or not. But it could even be early days so my cousin will see eventually if she is pregnant or not. But right now I'm just annoyed at him, annoyed at myself and annoyed it allowed this. But we live and learn I guess. 

That sounds really positive about your counselling sessions. Really pleased it went well. Think unpicking why we chose to put ourselves in these situations will hopefully help us avoid getting into them again in future. 🤞🤞🤞

You definitely sound like you’re using your anger to help you stay away from contact with the married man.  That’s good too.  Eventually the anger will dissipate and hopefully you’ll be in a better place mentally by then and have moved on.  
 

Im acknowledging my weaknesses today and when I’ve felt like reaching out/have started composing a message in my head I’ve brought the shutters down with a big stop 🛑 sign on and made myself go do something else.  It’s working so far so I’m definitely getting stronger.  Prior to NC I wouldn’t have lasted 5 mins without reaching out.  

[Minnie Moo]

Just had a random song lyric pop into my head - for all us out there trying to go NC. 
 

courtesy of Justin Timberlake.  
‘Sometimes the best way to say something, is to say nothing at all’ 

 

[Buttercupp]

1 hour ago, Minnie Moo said:

That sounds really positive about your counselling sessions. Really pleased it went well. Think unpicking why we chose to put ourselves in these situations will hopefully help us avoid getting into them again in future. 🤞🤞🤞

You definitely sound like you’re using your anger to help you stay away from contact with the married man.  That’s good too.  Eventually the anger will dissipate and hopefully you’ll be in a better place mentally by then and have moved on.  
 

Im acknowledging my weaknesses today and when I’ve felt like reaching out/have started composing a message in my head I’ve brought the shutters down with a big stop 🛑 sign on and made myself go do something else.  It’s working so far so I’m definitely getting stronger.  Prior to NC I wouldn’t have lasted 5 mins without reaching out.  

Yeah I agree. I need help to get my mind back on track and stop feeling sad over these people who let me down or getting myself in situations that only cause pain.

Yeah i can be stubborn when I want to be but don't get me wrong ive been so tempted to message but I dont see the point as he will either not respond which will annoy me more or he will try turn it round on me over reacting again and I cant be bothered with that. I've said sorry previously to him for my part in this but he hasn't even said sorry to me, not once. So thats what I'm holding on to as well.

Thats good you've not given into the temptation and stopped yourself. Your doing well and before you know it. This man will be a distant memory that you no longer care about. I promise you that will be the case

[Buttercupp]

1 hour ago, Minnie Moo said:

Just had a random song lyric pop into my head - for all us out there trying to go NC. 
 

courtesy of Justin Timberlake.  
‘Sometimes the best way to say something, is to say nothing at all’ 

 

Exactly perfect lyrics to these situations x

[NYAG]

12 hours ago, Buttercupp said:

Hi @Minnie Moo

Yeah he could be doing that as men like to play those little games so as you said don't message and then he will see your not playing.

I go on Thursday evening for my first session.

We chatted on the consultation call last week and she feels she can help me and help me change my mindset and to view myself better and see my worth. Also she said she will help me figure out why I keep putting myself in these situations and why I gravitate towards men/people who hurt me and let me down. So im looking forward to it to finally get some help and clear my mind.

Regarding my xMM no updates, still no contact, I'm still blocked on fb well I think I am, I deactivated my page as I felt I would be too obsessed constantly checking so don't know if I'm blocked or not as I've not had my fb active for two weeks now. Stil on each others Instagram and snapchat and hes been viewing my stories I posted over the weekend as I was out long walks with my cousin etc but no contact between us.

Im still angry at him because he lied to me all this time. I feel used by him yet he goes about his day quite the thing yet im feeling this way so thr hurt and anger is helping me not reach out. I have a feeling he will reach out.. he will reach other when the storm has calmed down but I probably won't reply because if I stay angry then I won't reply.

I don't know if his wife is pregnant. My cousin sees her every morning at the school run but she was wearing a big jumper so can't tel if there is a bump or not. But it could even be early days so my cousin will see eventually if she is pregnant or not. But right now I'm just annoyed at him, annoyed at myself and annoyed it allowed this. But we live and learn I guess. 

My only question is, why are you still allowing him on your Insta and Snapchat and why are you checking to see if he's still sniffing around? You need to break this right now, all you are doing is fanning the flames and letting him to continue to use you and taunt you in his own way. You say you are angry at him yet you still have the door open for him, and you are still looking to see if he is still checking on you. And why does that matter anyway? You are both playing a game of 'can't quite let go' because you are both still checking up on each other. Like most addictions you need to go cold turkey to get it out of your bloodstream and that most definitely goes for former partners. How does checking up on him on social media benefit you at all or help you move on? You are just inviting (hoping to invite) trouble. Get rid and keep it got rid.

[Buttercupp]

11 hours ago, NYAG said:

My only question is, why are you still allowing him on your Insta and Snapchat and why are you checking to see if he's still sniffing around? You need to break this right now, all you are doing is fanning the flames and letting him to continue to use you and taunt you in his own way. You say you are angry at him yet you still have the door open for him, and you are still looking to see if he is still checking on you. And why does that matter anyway? You are both playing a game of 'can't quite let go' because you are both still checking up on each other. Like most addictions you need to go cold turkey to get it out of your bloodstream and that most definitely goes for former partners. How does checking up on him on social media benefit you at all or help you move on? You are just inviting (hoping to invite) trouble. Get rid and keep it got rid.

Hi @NYAGI agree... it is a game of not fully letting each other go. Ill admit I can't bring myself to remove him completely yet and thats why I haven't done it. Not sure why I cant bring myself to do it but I know I just can't do it yet. On his side i can't answer. 

I know I do need to delete and I know I need to to move on but just find it hard. 

[NYAG]

15 hours ago, Buttercupp said:

Hi @NYAGI agree... it is a game of not fully letting each other go. Ill admit I can't bring myself to remove him completely yet and thats why I haven't done it. Not sure why I cant bring myself to do it but I know I just can't do it yet. On his side i can't answer. 

I know I do need to delete and I know I need to to move on but just find it hard. 

Because by doing it you are finalising closure and ending the dialogue. By keeping it open the only thing you are hoping for, even if you can't admit it, is that you want it to continue. You are just torturing yourself and he knows you have kept the channels of communication potentially open and he's playing a game with you because he knows you will see. He is winning, simple as that.

[Buttercupp]

7 hours ago, NYAG said:

Because by doing it you are finalising closure and ending the dialogue. By keeping it open the only thing you are hoping for, even if you can't admit it, is that you want it to continue. You are just torturing yourself and he knows you have kept the channels of communication potentially open and he's playing a game with you because he knows you will see. He is winning, simple as that.

I 100% agree..  one day soo ln ill accept it and remove so i get full closure. I just cant do it yet but in all fairness it shouldn't be this difficult. I'm just a messed up little soul at times. 

[Snakesalive]

1 hour ago, Buttercupp said:

I'm just a messed up little soul at times. 

Aren’t we all sometimes , the main thing is we recognise it and are working on ourselves to be better -you’ll get there 

[NYAG]

7 minutes ago, Snakesalive said:

Aren’t we all sometimes , the main thing is we recognise it and are working on ourselves to be better -you’ll get there 

Totally, and having had to do this on more than one occasion I know the strength it takes. But with time and practice it gets fractionally easier to walk away from people, not because you love them the less or you regret less, or feel less, but because ultimately you know how things are going to end, and it pays not to prolong the pain.

[Daliah]

On 3/24/2021 at 8:27 PM, Snakesalive said:

Aren’t we all sometimes , the main thing is we recognise it and are working on ourselves to be better -you’ll get there 

Couldn’t agree more. I see that person I was when I was a mm’s leg over as a self absorbed tw*t .... so glad I found out I’m better than that...

[hajk]

@Minnie Moo I was wondering how you are doing and is there any update?