UpwardForward Posted December 29, 2014 Share Posted December 29, 2014 You're a married couple with a baby living in their house. You do nothing about their behaviour except ignore it, and focus on getting your sh*t together and finding your own place. You're not going to change them. Quit worrying about them...you have more than enough to worry about when it comes to your own life. Keep looking for a therapist. You may think they're all bad, but persist. Sometimes what you need to hear isn't necessarily what you'd like to hear. Find one, and stick to it. Treat it like a job...don't quit until you find a new one. Any therapy is better than no therapy at this point. You are lucky enough to be in a city where there is plenty of help available to people in your situation. You need to get yourself together for your child, and you need to start the process now. I've never been able to understand: How do people afford $$$ therapists if they're so broke they have to live with others. I would think sanity of living on your own, would come before supporting a 'professional'. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
almond Posted December 29, 2014 Share Posted December 29, 2014 I've never been able to understand: How do people afford $$$ therapists if they're so broke they have to live with others. I would think sanity of living on your own, would come before supporting a 'professional'. You're over-simplifying a very complex thing here. Often, the unresolved mental health issues are the cause of many being "so broke they have to live with others." Resolving this is paramount. It isn't always as simple as gaining "sanity" by living alone coming before "supporting a professional." You are using the services of a mental health specialist to get yourself into a better place. Those that are in dire need of professional help are often faced with the inability to get themselves together enough to become self-sufficient. Oftentimes, the mental heath treatment needs to come first, before the person is able to find and keep a job, juggle their bills and expenses, and be able to manage a home. Also, as I outlined, she is lucky enough to live in Melbourne - there are plenty of organisations that provide free counselling for those in need in her area. This should definitely be the first step from here. They will also work with employment services to help find her work. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted December 29, 2014 Share Posted December 29, 2014 Meanwhile what do I do about my sister in law blaming us, for putting my in laws under stress? Despite the fact that my mother in law, put us under a great deal of stress, when I got no redundancy and lost my job. You can't really do anything about it. You can't control your sil, she can say whatever she wants. I personally would find it somewhat stressful to have my son and his wife and his child move in with me. Of course I love my family but those extra people in my house would be stressful. Extra cleaning, extra mouths to feed, extra noise and mess = stress. So it's not so outrageous that your SIL would say such a thing because the living arrangements likely have put your in laws under some stress. Not saying she has a right to speak for them but it sounds like her and your husband just have a juvenile relationship with each other where they never outgrew their petty sibling rivalry so they are continuing to fight with each other like a couple of adolescent brats. You should stay out of it and/or look for ways you can be of help around the house. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted December 29, 2014 Share Posted December 29, 2014 You're over-simplifying a very complex thing here. Often, the unresolved mental health issues are the cause of many being "so broke they have to live with others." Resolving this is paramount. It isn't always as simple as gaining "sanity" by living alone coming before "supporting a professional." You are using the services of a mental health specialist to get yourself into a better place. Those that are in dire need of professional help are often faced with the inability to get themselves together enough to become self-sufficient. Oftentimes, the mental heath treatment needs to come first, before the person is able to find and keep a job, juggle their bills and expenses, and be able to manage a home. Also, as I outlined, she is lucky enough to live in Melbourne - there are plenty of organisations that provide free counselling for those in need in her area. This should definitely be the first step from here. They will also work with employment services to help find her work. I don't know that employment services or employers would wish to work with counselling services in seeking applicants. And because of this current competitive employment environment. But it's worth a try SugarKane if the above bolded would work out for you. And I'm pretty sure I wouldn't waste money for counselling just because online people would tell me to. Since none of us are perfect - this would infer that everyone should seek counselling. Not. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 You can't really do anything about it. You can't control your sil, she can say whatever she wants. I personally would find it somewhat stressful to have my son and his wife and his child move in with me. Of course I love my family but those extra people in my house would be stressful. Extra cleaning, extra mouths to feed, extra noise and mess = stress. So it's not so outrageous that your SIL would say such a thing because the living arrangements likely have put your in laws under some stress. Not saying she has a right to speak for them but it sounds like her and your husband just have a juvenile relationship with each other where they never outgrew their petty sibling rivalry so they are continuing to fight with each other like a couple of adolescent brats. You should stay out of it and/or look for ways you can be of help around the house. Right. Plus really, if you are depending on them to do you a favour (ergo let you and your family stay for free/cheap), there isn't anything you can do to guarantee that things will change. You could ask her nicely to stop because it's hurting your feelings - but if she doesn't, then what? The only way you can actually guarantee this is to move out. You have been avoiding this throughout the entire thread but the longer you avoid it, the longer this situation will persist. There is no magic bullet that will make people behave the way you want while still providing you a roof over your head while you can't afford any other roof. I get that this is easier said than done, but you're wasting your time trying to figure out how to change your SIL's behaviour when you should really be focusing all your energies on getting your ducks in a row so you can move. I get that you are currently unemployed and maybe there is a need for one of you to stay home with the baby to avoid needing your in-laws to babysit. But does your husband not earn enough to be able to afford to rent a place, even a small/old one in the suburbs? Or is HE against moving out of his parents' house? What is his opinion/reaction to this conflict? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sugarkane Posted December 30, 2014 Author Share Posted December 30, 2014 My MIL is the one who threatened to kick us out if I didn't go through the pregnancy in the first place. Then to be blamed for being in this position, I found a but rich. [/b]Why is it not possible for you and your husband to move out? Do you have any feelings of gratitude that they are providing you with a home? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sugarkane Posted December 30, 2014 Author Share Posted December 30, 2014 My husband has been relentlessly job searching, but his industry hasn't done well since the GFC. The jobs that are around are casual etc. He has even beern applying interstate and in non related industries. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sugarkane Posted December 30, 2014 Author Share Posted December 30, 2014 I'm tired of SIL allowed to always argue and yell at us. MIL says nothing. But if you try abd politely say something about her, my MIL gets angry. usYou can't really do anything about it. You can't control your sil, she can say whatever she wants. I personally would find it somewhat stressful to have my son and his wife and his child move in with me. Of course I love my family but those extra people in my house would be stressful. Extra cleaning, extra mouths to feed, extra noise and mess = stress. So it's not so outrageous that your SIL would say such a thing because the living arrangements likely have put your in laws under some stress. Not saying she has a right to speak for them but it sounds like her and your husband just have a juvenile relationship with each other where they never outgrew their petty sibling rivalry so they are continuing to fight with each other like a couple of adolescent brats. You should stay out of it and/or look for ways you can be of help around the house. Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 As long as you are living on their charity you are going to have to put up with anything they dish out whether it's fair or not! I'm not "blaming" you for anything but I think you are a grown woman just like I am and it's off-outting to read about how all your unhappiness and even the fact that you have a child are other peoples' responsibilities!! If there is one thing I hope gets through to you from all the replies to your posts - your life and your happiness are YOUR RESPONSIBILITY and since you seem in a very dark place I am pretty sure you are going to need a therapist to help you out of it so you can see more clearly! I hope you will MAKE yourself!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 My MIL is the one who threatened to kick us out if I didn't go through the pregnancy in the first place. Then to be blamed for being in this position, I found a but rich. [/b] That doesn't change the advice already given. When it comes to these petty family squabbles, rarely is one person 100% in the right while the other person is 100% in the wrong. Usually all sides share some of the blame. Your SIL cannot fight with herself, you and your husband are also engaging in the fights and fueling the drama. Stay out of the childish arguments, be helpful wherever you can, and focus on getting the finances together to move out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
almond Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 (edited) I don't know that employment services or employers would wish to work with counselling services in seeking applicants. And because of this current competitive employment environment. But it's worth a try SugarKane if the above bolded would work out for you. And I'm pretty sure I wouldn't waste money for counselling just because online people would tell me to. Since none of us are perfect - this would infer that everyone should seek counselling. Not. - The social services organisations here do indeed offer both counselling and employment services. I know this for a fact. - I find it a bit silly to state that counselling is a waste of money, considering that Sugarkane herself has had a history of depression, and has been looking for a good counsellor for a while. It's definitely not because "some online people" told her too. - Lol, obviously no one is perfect. How silly. And I have no idea how you came to the conclusion that this would infer that everyone should seek counselling. No one here has stated that...you pulled it from thin air. Judging by your first post (which was clearly incorrect), and this recent one...you seem quite ignorant re: treatment for mental health issues and stress management, and seem to want to trash the suggestion of counselling for no apparent reason, even when OP has been looking for one herself for a long while. I suggest maybe looking into how much counselling can actually help people such as the OP who find themselves in situations that are difficult to deal with, before advising others that they are a "waste." Edited December 31, 2014 by almond 2 Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 OP has been looking for one herself for a long while. And who told her to? Most likely it also began on here many threads ago. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 Sadly, I see little evidence of the OP actually doing anything concrete or long-lasting to alter the situation. She has not, to my knowledge, ever put forward a post, saying "Well, this has been happening, so this is what I have done to try to remedy the situation..." It always seems to be someone else's fault, and never anything she does, or contributes to. We hear her complaints, but I'm not sure that what is happening is 100% accurate, or that the criticisms from others are entirely without foundation...? So hard to know when all we receive are complaints, but no remedial or positive responses to same.... Or am I incorrect? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sugarkane Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 Well its been hard to see any positives with my MIL breaking boundaries and having no guidance from anyone. If the hospital had not screwed me over, I wouldn't be posting right now. Sadly, I see little evidence of the OP actually doing anything concrete or long-lasting to alter the situation. She has not, to my knowledge, ever put forward a post, saying "Well, this has been happening, so this is what I have done to try to remedy the situation..." It always seems to be someone else's fault, and never anything she does, or contributes to. We hear her complaints, but I'm not sure that what is happening is 100% accurate, or that the criticisms from others are entirely without foundation...? So hard to know when all we receive are complaints, but no remedial or positive responses to same.... Or am I incorrect? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sugarkane Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 I find it hard to helpful to my MIL, when she pressured me to have a child while unemployed. Yet has never struggled financially. That doesn't change the advice already given. When it comes to these petty family squabbles, rarely is one person 100% in the right while the other person is 100% in the wrong. Usually all sides share some of the blame. Your SIL cannot fight with herself, you and your husband are also engaging in the fights and fueling the drama. Stay out of the childish arguments, be helpful wherever you can, and focus on getting the finances together to move out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sugarkane Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 Where are these free counsellong places? My doctor only refers me to expensive private professionals. You're over-simplifying a very complex thing here. Often, the unresolved mental health issues are the cause of many being "so broke they have to live with others." Resolving this is paramount. It isn't always as simple as gaining "sanity" by living alone coming before "supporting a professional." You are using the services of a mental health specialist to get yourself into a better place. Those that are in dire need of professional help are often faced with the inability to get themselves together enough to become self-sufficient. Oftentimes, the mental heath treatment needs to come first, before the person is able to find and keep a job, juggle their bills and expenses, and be able to manage a home. Also, as I outlined, she is lucky enough to live in Melbourne - there are plenty of organisations that provide free counselling for those in need in her area. This should definitely be the first step from here. They will also work with employment services to help find her work. Link to post Share on other sites
almond Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 Where are these free counsellong places? My doctor only refers me to expensive private professionals. I will PM you some information 2 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 (edited) i see both mil and sil shouting at you, which is one barometer of how they feel, this shouting may be a big hint that they are trying to tell you of their frustrations since you rely on mil for a roof over your head, you do not hold the high cards, better listen to them and agree, and just wait unobtrusively til your husband gets a job then move on, you do not want in-law trouble, specially not in such a matriachal household Edited January 2, 2015 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 Try to keep in mind that there's evidence aplenty that bearing children does not make you a good parent. It's entirely possible that a childless person with extraordinary good common sense and upbringing could make better parenting decisions than a childed person who doesn't have good sense and had bad modeling. Not saying you're that person, but be careful popping off to her because there are arguments against your theory. In fact, the number of young people who have kids too young to even have good sense yet tips the scales in the direction of the sample counterargument I'm putting forth. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 I find it hard to helpful to my MIL, when she pressured me to have a child while unemployed. Yet has never struggled financially. No one can make you have a child since the advent of birth control. Even if you husband wanted one and you didn't, it's your body and you have a right to take birth control pills or whatever birth control you want. You certainly didn't have to do what your MIL told you to do -- and I'm having a very hard time believing she wanted you to have another child for her household to feed. Go to a therapist and get on birth control as well. Do something to steer your own life!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sugarkane Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 She made me feel I had less choices because they figured it out, the day after we found out. I can't stand it when religious people push their beliefs onto people, which I don't believe in. No one can make you have a child since the advent of birth control. Even if you husband wanted one and you didn't, it's your body and you have a right to take birth control pills or whatever birth control you want. You certainly didn't have to do what your MIL told you to do -- and I'm having a very hard time believing she wanted you to have another child for her household to feed. Go to a therapist and get on birth control as well. Do something to steer your own life!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sugarkane Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 I'm super skeptical and anxious about seeing any other therapists, since the hospital counseling was a f- up and sent me in circles. Got no guidance from anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 Get over it and go. You've got to start somewhere taking charge of your life. You have too much anxiety and paranoid about everyone and think everything is out to get you. And you need to learn to say no about anyone besides you having a say in your body and what to do with it!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 Pretty hard too when she's constantly yelling. She also likes to threaten to have my daughter taken away. Despite my daughter not being abused or neglected. Why does she threaten to have your daughter taken away? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sugarkane Posted January 3, 2015 Author Share Posted January 3, 2015 I don't know, age likes to control things. She owns an apartment (thanks to mummy and daddy) but she wants to boss everyone here. Why does she threaten to have your daughter taken away? Link to post Share on other sites
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