Controlling in laws, DV marriage, should I divorce?

[ufo8mycat]

Because of their interfering!

 

a) Pushing us into this mess.

 

b) Completely took over my wedding. Ignored EVERYTHING I wanted.

 

c) MIL constantly taking the piss about how "easy" it is to be struggling, NOT that she ever has!

 

d) My SIL lied about me verbally abusing her. We get kicked out. She ALWAYS cries POOR. Yet can afford to go OVERSEAS at least ONCE A YEAR. As usual why doesn't she get kicked out?!

 

A) What I don't get is why you can't own your role in this. You choose to have your baby. Surely you know things change? You knew it was a long term commitment that parents would always be there to fill the gaps? You and your husband chose to have a baby. What goes through your head to have a baby because someone else said you should?

 

B)I don't understand how someone takes over your wedding? Did you not protest, argue, complain? Regardless, its done. You need to move on. Being angry and resentful won't help you or your family

 

C) where is your husband in all of this? Why do you have to have contact with people you so clearly despise? Haven't you moved out? How can she take the piss? pull her up on her nasty comments?

 

D)WHO CARES!? How your SIL spends her money is inconsequential. If she didn't go over seas that wouldn't mean you would have more money. If she irritates you no end. AVOID HER.

 

Seriously, every post is about how you are a victim but at this point you are embracing this role. These people don't sound very nice, but you do have control over your life. Or you let them keep controlling you.

 

What do you choose?

[Els]

Sugarkane, they can't just 'threaten to take your child off you'. People can only file complaints, it's up to law enforcement to check up on that - they won't just take her at her word. If you are taking good care of your child, what is there to be afraid of?

 

B)I don't understand how someone takes over your wedding? Did you not protest, argue, complain?

 

If I recall the OP's posts, the MIL paid for her wedding. So it would make sense that the MIL called the shots.

 

C)Why do you have to have contact with people you so clearly despise? Haven't you moved out?

I'm curious about this as well.

 

Seriously, every post is about how you are a victim but at this point you are embracing this role. These people don't sound very nice, but you do have control over your life. Or you let them keep controlling you.

Agreed.

[eye of the storm]

I usually operate under the "he who pays, decides" motto.

 

When you try to get others to pay for your choices, you have to cede control over the details to them. If you do not want to do that. You want control, then you have to pay for it. There is a price for everything in life. If you are unwilling to pony up, then why do you think you have the right to complain about it. You chose it.

 

You got a wedding someone else footed the bill for. If you didn't like their choices, you had a choice. Say no thank you. We are paying for it and this is how it is going.

 

I bet if you stopped worrying about your SIL and that group, you would have sooo much extra time to both study AND take care of your own child.

 

I have never seen someone given so much (wedding, place to live, support while unemployed, free childcare) and be so ungrateful.

 

Your ungrateful heart and envy is the root of your issues. Not your in-laws. Start being thankful for what you do have. Stop worrying about what others have and expecting them to give it to you. Find happiness within yourself and you will find that your life will be so much better. And life for your H and C will be better also.

 

I was M to a miserable person and he drained the happiness out of me. It took years to find it again. Don't do that to your H and C. It is cruel.

[turnera]

I have never seen someone given so much (wedding, place to live, support while unemployed, free childcare) and be so ungrateful.

 

Your ungrateful heart and envy is the root of your issues. Not your in-laws. Start being thankful for what you do have. Stop worrying about what others have and expecting them to give it to you. Find happiness within yourself and you will find that your life will be so much better. And life for your H and C will be better also.

Worth repeating.

 

I've known people with MUCH less than you have and they chose to have an open, optimistic mindset, to thank their stars for what they've been given, knowing it could be even worse, instead of sitting and pouting and griping about everyone and everything. My DD24 used to be like you, she'd moan and groan and compare herself to others, and I'd say to her 'look, you can sit there and moan and groan, and you'll go to sleep having wasted a perfectly good day with your attitude. Or you can decide instead to find the good in things along the way, and you'll go to sleep just the same, only you'll go to sleep smiling and happy and grateful. Which would you choose?'

Edited August 19, 2015 by turnera

[Sugarkane]

I never asked for them to pay the wedding. As usual they ignored everything i said and busted boundaries. My MIL and SIL are great at that. I wished we went overseas and eloped.

I usually operate under the "he who pays, decides" motto.

 

When you try to get others to pay for your choices, you have to cede control over the details to them. If you do not want to do that. You want control, then you have to pay for it. There is a price for everything in life. If you are unwilling to pony up, then why do you think you have the right to complain about it. You chose it.

 

You got a wedding someone else footed the bill for. If you didn't like their choices, you had a choice. Say no thank you. We are paying for it and this is how it is going.

 

I bet if you stopped worrying about your SIL and that group, you would have sooo much extra time to both study AND take care of your own child.

 

I have never seen someone given so much (wedding, place to live, support while unemployed, free childcare) and be so ungrateful.

 

Your ungrateful heart and envy is the root of your issues. Not your in-laws. Start being thankful for what you do have. Stop worrying about what others have and expecting them to give it to you. Find happiness within yourself and you will find that your life will be so much better. And life for your H and C will be better also.

 

I was M to a miserable person and he drained the happiness out of me. It took years to find it again. Don't do that to your H and C. It is cruel.

[Sugarkane]

Its pretty hard to when youre arguing over money, have in laws who constantly break boundaries. A bully for a sister in law, but my in laws think the sun shines out of her butt. And my own family have offerred no support. And ive posted here many times, what a total selfish Ahole my dad is. I didnt get to choose my family!

Worth repeating.

 

I've known people with MUCH less than you have and they chose to have an open, optimistic mindset, to thank their stars for what they've been given, knowing it could be even worse, instead of sitting and pouting and griping about everyone and everything. My DD24 used to be like you, she'd moan and groan and compare herself to others, and I'd say to her 'look, you can sit there and moan and groan, and you'll go to sleep having wasted a perfectly good day with your attitude. Or you can decide instead to find the good in things along the way, and you'll go to sleep just the same, only you'll go to sleep smiling and happy and grateful. Which would you choose?'

[Sugarkane]

As ive said numerous times, my MIL is a RELIGIOUS NUT, who uses it as an excuse to ALWAYS play MATYR. Like a lot of religious people who judge abortion, shes NEVER actually been in that situation herself!! Then we had her threatening suicide, no help from my family- and no i did NOTHING to deserve that. And then pregnancy crisis counselling which was an understatement- CRAP!! A monkey couldve done better.

They haven't pushed you into anything.

 

You are where you are because that is how it is many times - with newly married people who have young ones.

 

If your husband isn't able to make enough of a living wage to keep you housed and fed, perhaps you could investigate available govt benefits.

 

Or look into home businesses, etc. Then advertise services on-line or with distribution of flyers/cards. This could be done while walking with your toddler in her stroller.

 

Some mothers take in other children to care for, to bring in extra money.

[UpwardForward]

Its pretty hard to when youre arguing over money, have in laws who constantly break boundaries. A bully for a sister in law, but my in laws think the sun shines out of her butt. And my own family have offerred no support. And ive posted here many times, what a total selfish Ahole my dad is. I didnt get to choose my family!

 

They wouldn't be able to break boundaries if you weren't financially vulnerable.

 

Keep thinking of ways you and your husband can get your head above water and to stop worrying about what others have, so you can become financially independent .. or at least happy.

[UpwardForward]

As ive said numerous times, my MIL is a RELIGIOUS NUT, who uses it as an excuse to ALWAYS play MATYR. Like a lot of religious people who judge abortion, shes NEVER actually been in that situation herself!! Then we had her threatening suicide, no help from my family- and no i did NOTHING to deserve that. And then pregnancy crisis counselling which was an understatement- CRAP!! A monkey couldve done better.

 

Abortion is a terrible and unnecessary alternative.

 

If you are completely convinced your life would be so much better had you not given birth to your little girl, then perhaps you should allow the inlaws to have her more. They seem willing.

 

On the other hand, if you think the inlaws are using your daughter to gain control over you, perhaps you should put your foot down.

 

Either way, it's not your daughter's fault. When two people start life together, having babies is the natural process.

 

Think of the single mothers who juggle children, extended education. jobs.

[anika99]

Would really like the money I spent on therapists the past two years, back. It has been useless and got no where but sent around in circles. I might as well end it all now.

 

I can see why therapy hasn't been useful for you. For therapy to help one has to be introspective, be able to own their mistakes and their decisions and be willing to work on themselves regardless of what those around them are doing or not doing.

 

 

You are part of this conflict yet you repeatedly refuse to own up to your part of it. Your inlaws are never ever going to take your side over their daughter. Never going to happen so get over it and stop whining about it. If you seriously can't make this situation more peaceful by changing your own behavior then make other arrangements for childcare and cut them out of your life. As long as you keep taking from them they will keep pushing their will on you. It's your choice. Keep putting your hands out to take from them and accept that this gives them the power or start or you and your husband become independent responsible adults and parents. I was an uneducated single parent of 2 boys. I had my first at 17 and even I managed to find my own child care and pay my own bills. I simply cannot accept that 2 adults can't manage together to take care of 1 child.

[Sugarkane]

I've been more than willing to do the work in therapy- Most people don't even bother!! It would be great if they had actually given me help with their insults and interfering. Not making me repeat myself over and over WITH NO HELP.

 

So what am I supposed to do that she CLEARLY LIES about not being able to move out- yet she CAN ALWAYS GO HOLIDAYING OVERSEAS?!

 

She lied and yet my FIL had a go at me. WTF? to say. Its not hard to see she lied big time.

 

My father would NEVER enable and put up with this BS if this child woman was his daughter.

 

I don't know why I should have any empathy for her, when she HAPPILY LIES AND INSULTS ME?

 

I can see why therapy hasn't been useful for you. For therapy to help one has to be introspective, be able to own their mistakes and their decisions and be willing to work on themselves regardless of what those around them are doing or not doing.

 

 

You are part of this conflict yet you repeatedly refuse to own up to your part of it. Your inlaws are never ever going to take your side over their daughter. Never going to happen so get over it and stop whining about it. If you seriously can't make this situation more peaceful by changing your own behavior then make other arrangements for childcare and cut them out of your life. As long as you keep taking from them they will keep pushing their will on you. It's your choice. Keep putting your hands out to take from them and accept that this gives them the power or start or you and your husband become independent responsible adults and parents. I was an uneducated single parent of 2 boys. I had my first at 17 and even I managed to find my own child care and pay my own bills. I simply cannot accept that 2 adults can't manage together to take care of 1 child.

[Sugarkane]

I don't see why they should take her side, even if she is a rude, vindictive c***. I have been undermined and outnumbered from day one. I don't know why I should feel sorry for her.

[UpwardForward]

I've been more than willing to do the work in therapy- Most people don't even bother!! It would be great if they had actually given me help with their insults and interfering. Not making me repeat myself over and over WITH NO HELP.

 

So what am I supposed to do that she CLEARLY LIES about not being able to move out- yet she CAN ALWAYS GO HOLIDAYING OVERSEAS?!

 

She lied and yet my FIL had a go at me. WTF? to say. Its not hard to see she lied big time.

 

My father would NEVER enable and put up with this BS if this child woman was his daughter.

 

I don't know why I should have any empathy for her, when she HAPPILY LIES AND INSULTS ME?

 

Sister in law doesn't have to move out.

 

And why do you want to live there?

 

All that should matter to you is your husband and child. Your own family.

[turnera]

Its pretty hard to when youre arguing over money, have in laws who constantly break boundaries. A bully for a sister in law, but my in laws think the sun shines out of her butt. And my own family have offerred no support. And ive posted here many times, what a total selfish Ahole my dad is. I didnt get to choose my family!

I'm sorry, that's a crock.

 

My mom told me the day after I graduated high school that she was moving away; she'd sold our house already. I had one week to either find some place to live and get a full time job, or else move away with her. So I switched to a full-time job, gave up going to college for the time being, found the absolute cheapest rathole apartment I could get, and moved. For three years, I lived on $30/month for all my food/toiletries/everything else; I suffered sh*tty roommates to be able to move into a slightly better apartment (one of whom got me kicked out after she flooded the apartment because she was mad at the landlord); I allowed myself one $1.75 treat a week - dinner at the local cheap Mexican restaurant; I started going to night school, one class a semester, because it was all I could afford - and took 15 years to get my degree. Was it tough? You bet. Was I proud of doing it ON MY OWN with no interference or help from my family? Absolutely.

 

My DD24 has a friend who had an abusive psychotic boyfriend who wouldn't work, by whom she got pregnant (after doctors told her she was infertile), who got them kicked out of their apartment from his crazy sh*t. She was 8 1/2 months pregnant, no car, no money, no home, being abused by her boyfriend. Did she ask her family for help? No. She did it on her own. She slept wherever she could until she could scrape up enough money for a sh*tty motel for a week, did crap jobs anyone would give her that she could walk to (no car) just to get enough change to buy some food. She finally found a chemical plant that let her come to work at a dangerous job, 2 weeks after giving birth - having to leave her baby with her psychotic boyfriend - and started working her way up until she could afford an apartment. Then a crappy car that broke down every week that she figured out how to fix herself. And finally left her no-good boyfriend since he wasn't contributing anyway, and started going back to college; she's now almost done with her associates degree. With no help from any family.

 

So honestly, the more you complain, the less sympathy I feel. Nobody's chaining you to a wall. Nobody's making you take money from these people. Nobody's forcing you to be around people you don't like. You CHOOSE to accept these people's help; you CHOOSE to not walk away from these people. Millions of people before you have struck out on their own, left their hometown or even their country, risked greatly to start new lives in new places with nothing but the clothes on their back. So all I think when you post any more is what my daughter calls "first world problems."

 

You want a better life? MOVE.

Edited August 20, 2015 by turnera

[Rejected Rosebud]

So what am I supposed to do that she CLEARLY LIES about not being able to move out- yet she CAN ALWAYS GO HOLIDAYING OVERSEAS?!

 

Wellllllll. Sorry to say this but how is that any concern of yours at ALL?? How she acts is not anything to do with you!! You just keep repeating your complaints about your inlaws everytime somebody asks you aquestion.

 

Srsly - please think about this. Do you think you have played any part whatsoever in creating the life you are now living? Or is everybody else responsible??

[Sugarkane]

It mattets because she turns my in laws against me. Then got us kucked out. Then accuses my husband of hoarding money- wggen shes the only one that is. QUOTE=Rejected Rosebud;6502102]Wellllllll. Sorry to say this but how is that any concern of yours at ALL?? How she acts is not anything to do with you!! You just keep repeating your complaints about your inlaws everytime somebody asks you aquestion.

 

Srsly - please think about this. Do you think you have played any part whatsoever in creating the life you are now living? Or is everybody else responsible??

[Sugarkane]

]It matters because she turns my in laws against me. Then got us kucked out. Then accuses my husband of hoarding money- whenn shes the only one that is.

Wellllllll. Sorry to say this but how is that any concern of yours at ALL?? How she acts is not anything to do with you!! You just keep repeating your complaints about your inlaws everytime somebody asks you aquestion.

 

Srsly - please think about this. Do you think you have played any part whatsoever in creating the life you are now living? Or is everybody else responsible??

[Sugarkane]

I would move but my husband is really against moving away.

I'm not. Ive been applying for the last TWO YEARS for CRAPPY jobs.

I used to work in warehousing and I'm not against hard work. Ive applied for HUNDREDS of jobs at this poibt. p

I'm sorry, that's a crock.

 

My mom told me the day after I graduated high school that she was moving away; she'd sold our house already. I had one week to either find some place to live and get a full time job, or else move away with her. So I switched to a full-time job, gave up going to college for the time being, found the absolute cheapest rathole apartment I could get, and moved. For three years, I lived on $30/month for all my food/toiletries/everything else; I suffered sh*tty roommates to be able to move into a slightly better apartment (one of whom got me kicked out after she flooded the apartment because she was mad at the landlord); I allowed myself one $1.75 treat a week - dinner at the local cheap Mexican restaurant; I started going to night school, one class a semester, because it was all I could afford - and took 15 years to get my degree. Was it tough? You bet. Was I proud of doing it ON MY OWN with no interference or help from my family? Absolutely.

 

My DD24 has a friend who had an abusive psychotic boyfriend who wouldn't work, by whom she got pregnant (after doctors told her she was infertile), who got them kicked out of their apartment from his crazy sh*t. She was 8 1/2 months pregnant, no car, no money, no home, being abused by her boyfriend. Did she ask her family for help? No. She did it on her own. She slept wherever she could until she could scrape up enough money for a sh*tty motel for a week, did crap jobs anyone would give her that she could walk to (no car) just to get enough change to buy some food. She finally found a chemical plant that let her come to work at a dangerous job, 2 weeks after giving birth - having to leave her baby with her psychotic boyfriend - and started working her way up until she could afford an apartment. Then a crappy car that broke down every week that she figured out how to fix herself. And finally left her no-good boyfriend since he wasn't contributing anyway, and started going back to college; she's now almost done with her associates degree. With no help from any family.

 

So honestly, the more you complain, the less sympathy I feel. Nobody's chaining you to a wall. Nobody's making you take money from these people. Nobody's forcing you to be around people you don't like. You CHOOSE to accept these people's help; you CHOOSE to not walk away from these people. Millions of people before you have struck out on their own, left their hometown or even their country, risked greatly to start new lives in new places with nothing but the clothes on their back. So all I think when you post any more is what my daughter calls "first world problems."

 

You want a better life? MOVE.

[turnera]

Its pretty hard to when youre arguing over money, have in laws who constantly break boundaries. A bully for a sister in law, but my in laws think the sun shines out of her butt. And my own family have offerred no support. And ive posted here many times, what a total selfish Ahole my dad is. I didnt get to choose my family!

Bullshyte. You CHOOSE to argue over money; you could instead silently go about taking on extra work while you study - walking dogs, watering plants, editing others' papers, tutoring, babysitting; you could also simply CHOOSE NOT TO ARGUE, like a GROWNUP would do.

 

Your in-laws wouldn't be breaking boundaries IF YOU KEPT THEM OUT OF YOUR LIFE.

 

Your bully of a SIL can't bully you and you wouldn't know WHAT your in-laws thought of her IF YOU STAYED AWAY FROM THEM.

 

As I've pointed out, MANY PEOPLE got no help from their own parents, including me. I once asked my dad for help when I was down to my last $5 and couldn't pay my bills. My dad, who had HUNDREDS of thousands of dollars in savings, was not willing to loan me $200. I asked him to help pay for my wedding and he refused. His wife started a rumor about my husband that resulted in us getting run out of town and me having to leave my dream job and my dream house and run up $100,000 in debt over it. My mom moved away and left me here. So I KNOW about lousy parents.

 

But I REFUSED TO WASTE MY TIME sitting around moaning about the sh*tty hand I got dealt. Why would I want to wake up angry, go all day angry, and go to sleep angry?

 

What a waste of a life. What a waste of YOUR life.

 

You didn't choose your parents, but you DO choose your ATTITUDE.

 

And yours sucks.

[ufo8mycat]

Are your inlaws asking their daughter/ your SIL to move out?

[turnera]

I would move but my husband is really against moving away.

My brother lives 20 miles away from me. In the same city. I see him once a year. At Christmas.

 

STOP MAKING EXCUSES.

[UpwardForward]

My brother lives 20 miles away from me. In the same city. I see him once a year. At Christmas.

 

STOP MAKING EXCUSES.

 

I can see that SK should not over ride her husband's wishes.

 

But in return, SK you might want to let your husband carry the financial burden you feel - if he isn't already.

 

And see if you can arrange schedules so that the two of you can take care of your daughter between you so you do not have to rely on the inlaws for anything.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Do you feel that you have any responsibility for your own life at all??

[UpwardForward]

I'm starting to wonder if the in-laws are blaming the sister-in-law for their choice of asking you to move out.

 

Cannot understand why you regret moving. And still challenge the decision.

[turnera]

I'm up, not sleeping, and see this speech on tv from Jim McIngvale, one of the greatest success stories in Houston, Texas. I think it will really open your eyes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=evBFXc0ZBvY