anika99 Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 So my FIL was away on business the other week and my MIL was in hospital. And I found out that my SIL had my daughter alone. Yet my FIL makes excuses that I can't have my daughter alone?! WTF? Despite my SIL who has made threats to take away my daughter for no reason. I wish I could move. I am sick of this shyte. To make it worse my husband is currently working afternoons and nights. Now my MIL and FIL is using this an excuse that I can't have my daughter stay over. I AM SO ANGRY. And making an appointment with a counsellor at uni means waiting for an appointment WEEKS away. My dad is autocratic and is verbally abusive and my mother is very passive. So I didn't get taught how to be assertive. My upbringing involved trying to stay away from my ragaholic father. WTF??!! I lost the plot of this story a long time ago. I thought you did move. Did you move back in with in your inlaws? I'm starting to get the impression that social services is involved somehow and that your in-laws have some sort of legal custody of your child. Perhaps as temporary guardians? If that's the case than you need to stop focusing on your inlaws and start focusing on fixing whatever caused you to lose full custody of your child. If your in-laws have no legal say over your child then for the love of God, grow up and start taking care of your kid. I have never heard of a competent loving parent just sitting back and allowing their in-laws to dictate when they can or cannot have their child. What on earth is wrong with you and your husband? 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sugarkane Posted November 23, 2015 Author Share Posted November 23, 2015 Why are they so involved in watching your child? Why are you giving them power? Do you live with them? Do they have custody or your child? Does your child live with you or them? I let them watch my child because I only finished studying a week or so ago, for this semester. We're only on one salary at the moment. I've been applying for jobs relentlessly. We don't live them, we moved out months ago. They don't have custody of my child. My husband is working afternoon and nights- when my FIL is home. My FIL works interstate about every 2nd week. So I'm left with dealing with his family- on my own. My father is autocratic and my mother is passive. So being assertive isn't easy for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sugarkane Posted November 23, 2015 Author Share Posted November 23, 2015 Also i have to wait weeks just to see the uni counsellor, as there's a waiting list. My in laws like to use any excuse. Such as my dad said he'd help us with getting my daughter a bed. But months later still hasn't (he is always full of broken promises). We have been having money issues as the last prime minister made new laws regarding children vaccinations. They're saying I haven't vaccinated my child, when actually I have (huge system stuff up) and have DOUBLED our childcare bill, which we were already struggling to pay for. So far Centrelink have only sent me around and around in circles. Tommorrow will be the 3rd or 4 th time I'll be contacting them to fix this mess. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sugarkane Posted November 23, 2015 Author Share Posted November 23, 2015 Social services isn't involved. But I'm outnumbered without my husband at home (he is working afternoons and nights). Unfortunately not everyone grew up in a family that taught them to be assertive. WTF??!! I lost the plot of this story a long time ago. I thought you did move. Did you move back in with in your inlaws? I'm starting to get the impression that social services is involved somehow and that your in-laws have some sort of legal custody of your child. Perhaps as temporary guardians? If that's the case than you need to stop focusing on your inlaws and start focusing on fixing whatever caused you to lose full custody of your child. If your in-laws have no legal say over your child then for the love of God, grow up and start taking care of your kid. I have never heard of a competent loving parent just sitting back and allowing their in-laws to dictate when they can or cannot have their child. What on earth is wrong with you and your husband? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sugarkane Posted November 23, 2015 Author Share Posted November 23, 2015 My MIL also puts an act on and starts crying when I assert myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sugarkane Posted November 23, 2015 Author Share Posted November 23, 2015 Plus I've got my interfering, lying, control freak of a sister in law always lying and trying to turn my in laws against me because she's a lonely, pathetic, control freak who has no life of her own. Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 I think it is completely out of line, and unbelievable, that any grown up woman would EXPECT and TAKE so much from other people and speak so hideously about them. You really have no right. Stop accepting their help and take care of your life and your child. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 I let them watch my child because I only finished studying a week or so ago, for this semester. We're only on one salary at the moment. I've been applying for jobs relentlessly. We don't live them, we moved out months ago. They don't have custody of my child. My husband is working afternoon and nights- when my FIL is home. My FIL works interstate about every 2nd week. So I'm left with dealing with his family- on my own. My father is autocratic and my mother is passive. So being assertive isn't easy for me. You can be assertive when it comes to your little girl. Don't allow them to walk over you. And sorry, but I think a new mother may have a harder time finding a job because of possible dependability problems. Can you find a job working online? i.e. Representing companies with online advertising; Or putting together advertisements, etc. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sugarkane Posted November 23, 2015 Author Share Posted November 23, 2015 You can be assertive when it comes to your little girl. Don't allow them to walk over you. And sorry, but I think a new mother may have a harder time finding a job because of possible dependability problems. Can you find a job working online? i.e. Representing companies with online advertising; Or putting together advertisements, etc. Problem is its 3 people against one (me). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sugarkane Posted November 23, 2015 Author Share Posted November 23, 2015 To make it worse, my husband said yes to going on a cruise with his family this christmas. When I clearly said no because they're the problem and we can barely afford it. But he wants a holiday so bad he said yes. And they've booked everything already before we could answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 Social services isn't involved. But I'm outnumbered without my husband at home (he is working afternoons and nights). Unfortunately not everyone grew up in a family that taught them to be assertive. You have GOT to be ****ting me. News flash: LOTS of us had to learn things on our own without being taught by our parents! You have been a legal adult for, what, over 10 years now? I'm not saying your parents are right, but at some point of your life you have to take charge of your OWN life and start doing things for yourself instead of blaming everyone else. At this rate, when you are 60 yo you will STILL blaming your parents and in-laws for everything that happened in your life. I do agree that your husband should not have booked a cruise without consulting you especially considering your budget. That's rather worrisome, does he do such things a lot? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 Problem is its 3 people against one (me). If your husband doesn't intervene on your behalf to have your child when you want her or can take care of her - then you should seek free legal consultation in the matter - to know your Rights, as a Parent. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 To make it worse, my husband said yes to going on a cruise with his family this christmas. When I clearly said no because they're the problem and we can barely afford it. But he wants a holiday so bad he said yes. And they've booked everything already before we could answer. According to your posts, you cannot afford Any expense relating to the cruise. You are already sacrificing having your daughter because of your schooling and looking for a job. And with in-laws using this to keep her unnecessarily and make decisions on your behalf. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sugarkane Posted November 23, 2015 Author Share Posted November 23, 2015 You have GOT to be ****ting me. News flash: LOTS of us had to learn things on our own without being taught by our parents! You have been a legal adult for, what, over 10 years now? I'm not saying your parents are right, but at some point of your life you have to take charge of your OWN life and start doing things for yourself instead of blaming everyone else. At this rate, when you are 60 yo you will STILL blaming your parents and in-laws for everything that happened in your life. I do agree that your husband should not have booked a cruise without consulting you especially considering your budget. That's rather worrisome, does he do such things a lot? Unfortunately in laws dont come with a how to manual and because of my husbands work hours, I'm left to deal with them myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sugarkane Posted November 24, 2015 Author Share Posted November 24, 2015 We have always paid our own childcare and bills, so i don't know why you are saying otherwise. I can see why therapy hasn't been useful for you. For therapy to help one has to be introspective, be able to own their mistakes and their decisions and be willing to work on themselves regardless of what those around them are doing or not doing. You are part of this conflict yet you repeatedly refuse to own up to your part of it. Your inlaws are never ever going to take your side over their daughter. Never going to happen so get over it and stop whining about it. If you seriously can't make this situation more peaceful by changing your own behavior then make other arrangements for childcare and cut them out of your life. As long as you keep taking from them they will keep pushing their will on you. It's your choice. Keep putting your hands out to take from them and accept that this gives them the power or start or you and your husband become independent responsible adults and parents. I was an uneducated single parent of 2 boys. I had my first at 17 and even I managed to find my own child care and pay my own bills. I simply cannot accept that 2 adults can't manage together to take care of 1 child. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sugarkane Posted November 24, 2015 Author Share Posted November 24, 2015 We have been in our place for about 6 months now, so telling me to move out HASN'T changed anything and they're still dictating when I can/ can't have my own. Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 Why are they watching your child at all? If you have daycare that should be sufficient and since you go to school and you hubby is home during the evenings you should be able to provide care between the two of you. They are only dictating when you have your child because you let them. THis won't stop until you stop it. YOu can say no, not pick up their calls, block them etc.... yes it will be hard at first and the will have a fit, a really bad one but eventually it will calm down. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 You have got to get to the point where you will reach out and claim your daughter, SK. That is, if you want to take full responsibility for her. It's not about the in-laws. It's about your family, your life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ufo8mycat Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 Also i have to wait weeks just to see the uni counsellor, as there's a waiting list. My in laws like to use any excuse. Such as my dad said he'd help us with getting my daughter a bed. But months later still hasn't (he is always full of broken promises). We have been having money issues as the last prime minister made new laws regarding children vaccinations. They're saying I haven't vaccinated my child, when actually I have (huge system stuff up) and have DOUBLED our childcare bill, which we were already struggling to pay for. So far Centrelink have only sent me around and around in circles. Tommorrow will be the 3rd or 4 th time I'll be contacting them to fix this mess. Why don't you see a GP and get a referral to a counsellor under a mental health plan? It won't cost you much at all and you can see someone now? Do you have the documentation for the vaccinations? Can you go back to the clinic that did the vaccinations? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 We have always paid our own childcare and bills, so i don't know why you are saying otherwise. You quoted an old post back from when you were relying on your in-laws for all of the child care and you know it. Link to post Share on other sites
ufo8mycat Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 I don't understand... if you are studying and your child is in day care. Why don't you just pick drop her off at day care in the am and pick her up when you are done? or get your husband to drop her off. You refuse to accept that you are behaving passive aggressively and THAT you can change. Most people have crappy childhoods. Deal with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TunaCat Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 SK, it's time to get a damn backbone and stop whining about the way you are being treated by your ILs. You have a child, so do whatever you need to do in order to do what is best for her. And that involves you standing up to your ILs and taking your daughter back. Stop allowing them to control you. Newflash, you CAN be assertive regardless of what your parents are like. Because you are basically handling your ILs on your own, when they say something about you or your daughter, stand up for yourself AND your daughter and tell them that from now on, you will be taking full control of your daughter. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sugarkane Posted November 26, 2015 Author Share Posted November 26, 2015 Because I don't have the car and my husband does. And that my in laws completely take over without even asking. I don't understand... if you are studying and your child is in day care. Why don't you just pick drop her off at day care in the am and pick her up when you are done? or get your husband to drop her off. You refuse to accept that you are behaving passive aggressively and THAT you can change. Most people have crappy childhoods. Deal with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sugarkane Posted November 26, 2015 Author Share Posted November 26, 2015 (edited) I have searched for books etc on assertiveness and toxic in laws, but as usual the library and bookstores have absolutely nothing. The assertiveness books I did buy ended up being useless. And everything online says for the husband to be the one to talk to his parents. Yet my husband is at work when my in laws are free. Edited November 26, 2015 by Sugarkane Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sugarkane Posted November 26, 2015 Author Share Posted November 26, 2015 I'm seeing a counsellor again next week. Why don't you see a GP and get a referral to a counsellor under a mental health plan? It won't cost you much at all and you can see someone now? Do you have the documentation for the vaccinations? Can you go back to the clinic that did the vaccinations? Link to post Share on other sites
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