Controlling in laws, DV marriage, should I divorce?

[UpwardForward]

Not having a car, could make it very difficult to be assertive, in this matter - and could also add to your oppression.

 

Without your income, it wouldn't seem your household is generating enough money to afford daycare for your daughter - unless the in-laws are paying for the childcare?

 

If you and your husband are paying for childcare, then it does seem you should arrange your schedule to care for her full time - or at least until you get a job. Otherwise she is spending these young years w/o the nurturing of a mother, and while you seem to want to do so.

 

Without a car, and if you cannot care for her full time - then it would seem you are stuck. Unless your husband can help you with a solution, or intervene on behalf of you and your daughter with his family.

[MuddyFootprints]

You seem so focussed on everything else that you are forgetting your role as a mother.

 

Are you being a mommy to this little girl?

 

Do you want to be?

[anika99]

Because I don't have the car and my husband does. And that my in laws completely take over without even asking.

 

I didn't get a car or a driver's license until I was 40yrs old and yet I raised both my sons as a single mom. Had to get them to their childcare, their appointments, etc, as well as getting myself to work everyday. It's called the bus.

 

 

Also why were the books on assertiveness useless? Is it because you don't actually want to do anything to make changes or heed any advice?

[almond]

Because I don't have the car and my husband does. And that my in laws completely take over without even asking.

 

All the excuses in the world do not change the fact that no one can take your child unless you allow them to.

 

 

If you were willing and able to take care of your own daughter, you'd simply pick her up and drop her off at childcare yourself. Your inlaws cannot kidnap her and keep her against your will.

 

 

You are allowing all of this to happen. If you were able and willing, you'd be raising your own child. But you're not...and that's not your inlaws' fault.

[Sugarkane]

i do thats why I started this thread. But they continually take over.

 

You seem so focussed on everything else that you are forgetting your role as a mother.

 

Are you being a mommy to this little girl?

 

Do you want to be?

[Sugarkane]

I try but they often beat me to it because I don't have a carpark at our place and I have to travel further than them- to get to the car. Added with NONE of them have any boundaries.

 

 

All the excuses in the world do not change the fact that no one can take your child unless you allow them to.

 

 

If you were willing and able to take care of your own daughter, you'd simply pick her up and drop her off at childcare yourself. Your inlaws cannot kidnap her and keep her against your will.

 

 

You are allowing all of this to happen. If you were able and willing, you'd be raising your own child. But you're not...and that's not your inlaws' fault.

[Sugarkane]

And how would you know? Have you checked the particular book i bought?!

 

It was useless because it had no examples and no examples o f" I" statements to say to the person.

 

 

I didn't get a car or a driver's license until I was 40yrs old and yet I raised both my sons as a single mom. Had to get them to their childcare, their appointments, etc, as well as getting myself to work everyday. It's called the bus.

 

 

Also why were the books on assertiveness useless? Is it because you don't actually want to do anything to make changes or heed any advice?

[Sugarkane]

Have you actually tried to change old behaviours yourself? I haven't seen any family and friends able to, except for smoking.

 

You have GOT to be ****ting me. News flash: LOTS of us had to learn things on our own without being taught by our parents! You have been a legal adult for, what, over 10 years now? I'm not saying your parents are right, but at some point of your life you have to take charge of your OWN life and start doing things for yourself instead of blaming everyone else. At this rate, when you are 60 yo you will STILL blaming your parents and in-laws for everything that happened in your life.

 

I do agree that your husband should not have booked a cruise without consulting you especially considering your budget. That's rather worrisome, does he do such things a lot?

[almond]

I try but they often beat me to it because I don't have a carpark at our place and I have to travel further than them- to get to the car. Added with NONE of them have any boundaries.

 

Another excuse.

 

Simply tell your in laws that you will be picking your daughter up yourself. Then, call the childcare centre and advise them that you are the only person now authorised to collect your child. They will not release her until you get there to pick her up.

 

Easy done.

 

But, it's quite obvious that we're only getting part of the story. There is clearly an arrangement with your in laws that they are to care for your child, as you are unable to do so yourself.

[Sugarkane]

I am able to care for her and I've never said I was happy with the arrangement

 

 

Another excuse.

 

Simply tell your in laws that you will be picking your daughter up yourself. Then, call the childcare centre and advise them that you are the only person now authorised to collect your child. They will not release her until you get there to pick her up.

 

Easy done.

 

But, it's quite obvious that we're only getting part of the story. There is clearly an arrangement with your in laws that they are to care for your child, as you are unable to do so yourself.

[almond]

I am able to care for her and I've never said I was happy with the arrangement

 

If you are able to care for her, then why did you give up you own child for other people to raise her?

 

Once again, they cannot keep your child without your consent. For them to take your child in the first place, and for both you and your husband to agree to this, there must have been quite the build up.

 

Why did your husband feel that his daughter is better off with someone other than yourselves? Why did you agree to your daughter living with someone else? Why are his parents taking care of her in the first place?

 

If you want your daughter and can care for her...then raise her yourself!

[Sugarkane]

Thats the problem, I didn't give her to them. They just continued taking over! And there's always some excuse- they still want to see her, or we don't do enough activities with her.

 

 

If you are able to care for her, then why did you give up you own child for other people to raise her?

 

Once again, they cannot keep your child without your consent. For them to take your child in the first place, and for both you and your husband to agree to this, there must have been quite the build up.

 

Why did your husband feel that his daughter is better off with someone other than yourselves? Why did you agree to your daughter living with someone else? Why are his parents taking care of her in the first place?

 

If you want your daughter and can care for her...then raise her yourself!

[Sugarkane]

On top of that my dad promised he would help us out. Then called me a liar and screamed his lungs out at me, an inch from my face. Then as always my mum asks me to apologize.

[almond]

Thats the problem, I didn't give her to them. They just continued taking over! And there's always some excuse- they still want to see her, or we don't do enough activities with her.

 

They can't just keep taking over to the point where your daughter is living with them. They can pick her up from childcare and spend time with her, but you made the choice to stop going to their house after you've finished school and work to pick her up to bring her home.

 

Why have you stopped bringing your daughter home to sleep in her own bed, at her own house, with her own parents?

 

This thread seems to be a lot of you talking about how mean your in laws are, but not so much about how your daughter is developing and being raised? You're not talking about how you miss her? Are they doing a good job of raising your daughter? Do you feel as though she is getting the best care possible while she is with them instead of you?

[Sugarkane]

Of coarse I miss her!! And I'm more than capable of caring for her. If I was happy about this, do you really think I'd be posting here?

 

 

They can't just keep taking over to the point where your daughter is living with them. They can pick her up from childcare and spend time with her, but you made the choice to stop going to their house after you've finished school and work to pick her up to bring her home.

 

Why have you stopped bringing your daughter home to sleep in her own bed, at her own house, with her own parents?

 

This thread seems to be a lot of you talking about how mean your in laws are, but not so much about how your daughter is developing and being raised? You're not talking about how you miss her? Are they doing a good job of raising your daughter? Do you feel as though she is getting the best care possible while she is with them instead of you?

[Sugarkane]

This will really piss them off.

 

 

Another excuse.

 

Simply tell your in laws that you will be picking your daughter up yourself. Then, call the childcare centre and advise them that you are the only person now authorised to collect your child. They will not release her until you get there to pick her up.

 

Easy done.

 

But, it's quite obvious that we're only getting part of the story. There is clearly an arrangement with your in laws that they are to care for your child, as you are unable to do so yourself.

[UpwardForward]

Discontinue childcare, and take care of your daughter yourself.

 

Even if you sign childcare paperwork to be the only one authorized to pick her up - it appears the in-laws might be the only ones who show up to take her.

 

If in-laws come to your apartment and complain or claim they can show her a better life, you will have to be assertive. Perhaps you could tell them you are her mother and you don't think she should know so much confusion as being shuffled back and forth - three directions.

 

In other words: Take charge of your daughter, and don't allow others to feel you are not in control.

 

Or, if you have been allowing them to take care of her - this is what can happen: Grandparents/aunt who enjoy the power-play, more than they love her. If they really loved your daughter, they would want her to be with her mother as much as possible. .. That is, unless they have been given reason to think being with you is not in the child's best interest.

[Sugarkane]

The problem is I have ONE uni day that ends very late- that was the original reason.

 

And that they use the excuse that its not fair on me to be alone and deal with her, when my husband is working at night.

 

 

Discontinue childcare, and take care of your daughter yourself.

 

Even if you sign childcare paperwork to be the only one authorized to pick her up - it appears the in-laws might be the only ones who show up to take her.

 

If in-laws come to your apartment and complain or claim they can show her a better life, you will have to be assertive. Perhaps you could tell them you are her mother and you don't think she should know so much confusion as being shuffled back and forth - three directions.

 

In other words: Take charge of your daughter, and don't allow others to feel you are not in control.

 

Or, if you have been allowing them to take care of her - this is what can happen: Grandparents/aunt who enjoy the power-play, more than they love her. If they really loved your daughter, they would want her to be with her mother as much as possible. .. That is, unless they have been given reason to think being with you is not in the child's best interest.

[Sugarkane]

I'm also sick of being constantly critisized by them, while their own daughter is an Ahole with no boundaries. Maybe I should start taking the sisters stuff without asking? She thinks its okay to do with my child.

[UpwardForward]

The problem is I have ONE uni day that ends very late- that was the original reason.

 

And that they use the excuse that its not fair on me to be alone and deal with her, when my husband is working at night.

 

As I've said, it appears to be a power-play with them, rather than love.

 

Loving grandparents would want their grandchild to be with their mother as much as possible. Especially if the child wants/or asks to be with their mother.

 

I can't think of any children who would prefer childcare to being home with their mother or parents.

[almond]

It's hard to say if it's a power play or not, as we're only getting one incomplete side of the story.

 

Sugarkane...how old is your daughter? How often do you see her? How long has she been living separately from you? Do you have plans to get her back, and if so, what's your time frame?

[Sugarkane]

Quit childcare? I've still got another year of study to finish.

As I've said, it appears to be a power-play with them, rather than love.

 

Loving grandparents would want their grandchild to be with their mother as much as possible. Especially if the child wants/or asks to be with their mother.

 

I can't think of any children who would prefer childcare to being home with their mother or parents.

[Sugarkane]

My daughter is 2 in a couple of weeks. I see her everyday. She is the only thing that keeps me going.

 

 

It's hard to say if it's a power play or not, as we're only getting one incomplete side of the story.

 

Sugarkane...how old is your daughter? How often do you see her? How long has she been living separately from you? Do you have plans to get her back, and if so, what's your time frame?

[Sugarkane]

I feel that by being more assertive will really get them angry and cause a family freud. My sister in law will do anything to turn my in laws against me. As my mother in law already puts on act and cries when I bring this up.

[UpwardForward]

My daughter is 2 in a couple of weeks. I see her everyday. She is the only thing that keeps me going.

 

What is the schedule you would prefer, for you and your daughter to be together? Or more than you are being with her now?