Controlling in laws, DV marriage, should I divorce?

[UpwardForward]

I had a legal advice appointment at school this week, but they cancelled on me. I had another counseling appointment, but they gave me a different counsellor and had to explain EVERYTHING AGAIN. Waste of time. Tried to talk to a cousins wife whos a lawyer, but she couldn't give me any advice on this subject. Tried a parenting hotline. They were useless.

 

An attorney should be able to reinforce with you, your rights as a parent.

 

There are many family attorneys here who would give you free consultation. So don't stop trying. Perhaps you could even do it on-line.

[UpwardForward]

Wouldn't you be resentful, if someone told you to have kid while struggling financially. While they help their daughter out careerwise and money wise, but DON'T pressure her?

 

I can't move yet. We have 6 months left on the lease. And I have another year of school.

 

They seem willing to take care of your 'Kid' full time, but you complain about that.

 

You cannot have it both ways. Complain about giving birth to your little girl, and complain when the in-laws will take care of her for you.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thats great but I DON'T have much support. Problem is because we have a TINY, TINY apartment, most of my daughters things are at my in laws.

 

I am willing to bet that my current shoebox is just as small.

 

My husband had a back injury and was absentee last year so I got a small small place and frankly, until I got rid of many many things I was worried I about it starting to look like an episode of hoarders. The priority is the child, not the space, not the $, not the opinion of outsiders.

[dreamingoftigers]

Wouldn't you be resentful, if someone told you to have kid while struggling financially. While they help their daughter out careerwise and money wise, but DON'T pressure her?

 

I can't move yet. We have 6 months left on the lease. And I have another year of school.

 

I honestly don't see why you think that you deserve enriched treatment or equal footing with their daughter.

 

You aren't their daughter. You aren't supposed to be getting money or career help from them. If they do, that's nice and all but it certainly isn't an entitlement.

 

The part you seem to be missing here is that YOU WERE PREGNANT AND married to their son.

 

I am willing to bet that if their daughter showed up pregnant THROUGH HER OWN CHOICES her mother would recommend having the child. Generally when people are pro-life, they are pro-life.

 

If you really didn't and don't want the child so much, why keep blaming and resenting others for having her that want her and have bonded with her?

 

Either you want the child enough that you will stop making excuses and raise her OR you don't want her and the grandparents clearly do. If that's the case, butt out of how they are raising her.

 

Either step up or step out.

 

Quit whining like the whole world is just against you. Right now someone else is raising your kid because you aren't taking responsibility for her or standing up for what you want.

[anika99]

Wouldn't you be resentful, if someone told you to have kid while struggling financially. While they help their daughter out careerwise and money wise, but DON'T pressure her?

 

I can't move yet. We have 6 months left on the lease. And I have another year of school.

 

Oh please grow up. Nobody made you have a baby (and please don't regale us with more tales about how your in laws were going to kick you out if you didn't keep the baby because the never owed you a roof over your head in the first place, pregnant or not) and stop comparing yourself to their daughter. That is their daughter and they are free to do as much or as little for her as they please. You are not their daughter and you are not entitled to the same treatment she gets. I don't understand why you're trying to contact legal experts. What for? If you have legal custody and your in laws are truly taking your child against your will then you call the police. However you are just passively handing your child over to them so what's a lawyer supposed to do about that.

 

Frankly I don't think you really want your daughter full time. Every time you talk about her you sound so bitter about having her, like she was forced on you, and I don't see you putting up any fight to have her now. I think you like handing her off to your in laws but you're so hateful towards them that you are just using this as another reason to hate on them

[ufo8mycat]

II had another counseling appointment, but they gave me a different counsellor and had to explain EVERYTHING AGAIN. Waste of time. Tried to talk to a cousins wife whos a lawyer, but she couldn't give me any advice on this subject. Tried a parenting hotline. They were useless.

 

I have said this several times to no response. Why don;t you get a referral under a mental health plan from a GP. You can see the same person for 10 sessions. No charge.

 

The legal aspect is unclear. why are you wanting advice from a lawyer?

[Sugarkane]

They cracked the ****s and I did what you said. Now the in laws are lying and saying my daughter is calling them swear words. I would NEVER do that.

[Sugarkane]

I didn't feel like I had a choice!!! My in laws found out straight away before we could make a decision.

 

Then I didn't feel as though I could talk to my parents. My dad is still in the 1950s and thinks children out of wedlock "shames the family". Not to mention he is verbally abusive.

 

WHERE ELSE was I supposed to go? A homeless shelter? NONE of you specifically said SOMEWHERE else to go.

 

 

No. Where is there to resent? You could have, you know. Not had a child.

 

You make your choices. Own it.

 

My parents tell me to do lots of things. It doesn't logically follow that I HAVE to do them.

 

My parents give my brother a lot more financial support than me. But meh, life to far to short to be miserable and resentful.

Edited December 8, 2015 by Sugarkane

[Sugarkane]

Now they are banging on my door.

[Sugarkane]

I've already tried that and they wouldn't do it.

I have said this several times to no response. Why don;t you get a referral under a mental health plan from a GP. You can see the same person for 10 sessions. No charge.

 

The legal aspect is unclear. why are you wanting advice from a lawyer?

[Sugarkane]

Where else was I supposed to go? My parents aren't that helpful.

 

And I did counselling and just got sent around and around in circles, With NO help to my situation AT ALL.

 

 

I have no idea what this has to do with raising your own child.

 

So what your MIL doesn't pressure her daughter to have a child? That doesn't make you childless. Raise your daughter.

 

So what your father is unhelpful. Raise your daughter.

 

So what you don't have a credit card with him? (I don't knowingly know anyone that does.) Raise your daughter.

 

Whose problems are these exactly?

 

You had a child. RAISE HER. And teach her NOT TO BE MANIPULATED AND RESENTFUL.

 

Even if it means putting off your school. It's not ideal. But clearly you aren't happy anyway.

 

I have the most depressing, manipulative, passive-aggressive MIL EVER.

 

You know what I did. Moved across the country. To be completely honest, part of that was because I saw how she treated her other grandchildren. Frankly I would much rather MY SCREWED-UP parents take her out shopping every now and then, than my husband's parents have regular access to her.

 

But you know what? Much of the time, I have had any support from either and I DON'T EXPECT IT. Nobody pit a gun to my head and made me give birth. I chose that. I brought this baby here, I am bringing another one here and it is MY RESPONSIBILITY to give her my best. To raise her to be functional and able to sustain herself through healthy means.

 

What are you expecting from your in-laws?

What do you think their role should be in your life and child's life?

[Sugarkane]

I am willing to bet you don't pay as much as I do, for a tiny, tiny apartment.

The housing market is a joke here.

 

 

I am willing to bet that my current shoebox is just as small.

 

My husband had a back injury and was absentee last year so I got a small small place and frankly, until I got rid of many many things I was worried I about it starting to look like an episode of hoarders. The priority is the child, not the space, not the $, not the opinion of outsiders.

[UpwardForward]

I didn't feel like I had a choice!!! My in laws found out straight away before we could make a decision.

 

Then I didn't feel as though I could talk to my parents. My dad is still in the 1950s and thinks children out of wedlock "shames the family". Not to mention he is verbally abusive.

 

WHERE ELSE was I supposed to go? A homeless shelter? NONE of you specifically said SOMEWHERE else to go.

 

As it turned out, you were married following conceiving your daughter. So moving on from there.

[ufo8mycat]

I've already tried that and they wouldn't do it.

 

Why not? and I really can't believe this. They refused you a mental health plan? Oh what grounds?

 

I live in sydney. I pay $500 a week for a studio. Its 35 sqm including the car park.

 

Sorry man, living in the same country I can't buy anything you say. I think you just love the whinge rather than any desire to change anything about your situation,

 

Even in the tiniest place I can't imagine why you wouldn't have your daughter with you. But blaming others is way easier.

 

I'm out.

[UpwardForward]

Now they are banging on my door.

 

You may have to choose between continuing your schooling and raising your daughter - unless you and your in-laws can agree to when you need them for child-care, and when you will be keeping her.

 

Obviously you and your husband are unable to arrange a schedule that works around his jobs/sleeping, and to enable your schooling.

[anika99]

I am willing to bet you don't pay as much as I do, for a tiny, tiny apartment.

The housing market is a joke here.

 

Actually I bet she does. I think dreamingoftigers lives close to where I live and we have the highest rental rates in the country. Actually I just did a comparison of the average apt rental cost in my city vs yours and the rents are pretty similar. You seem to have very limited knowledge of the world around you. You live in this fantasy world where you think everyone else had/has it easier than you. You believe that everyone that has overcome obstacles or solved problems only did so because their problems or obstacles were no where as big as yours. You live in a world full of self pity while taking no responsibility for your own life.

 

I don't know where you should of went if your in laws kicked you out but if it had me I damn well would have found out. I'm mentioned that I became pregnant as a teen. Did I also mention that I was homeless at the time? When I found out I was pregnant I knew I couldn't stay on the streets so I got busy figuring out what I was going to do. It took several months but eventually I found a place specifically for unwed pregnant teens and even after I found them I had to wait for a vacancy. I was 5 months pregnant when I moved in. Can you tell me specifically exactly what steps you took to research your options when you became pregnant? Who did you reach out to? What agencies did you contact? What programs did you look into and who specifically told you that your only options were to be homeless or have a child against your will? I'm guessing you didn't even do any research, I think you just did nothing other than wail "poor little helpless me, there is nothing I could possibly do about this other than blame it all on other people"

[dreamingoftigers]

I am willing to bet you don't pay as much as I do, for a tiny, tiny apartment.

The housing market is a joke here.

 

I'm in the second (possibly third now) most expensive city in North America.

 

I highly doubt you are in one of the other two.

[dreamingoftigers]

Actually I bet she does. I think dreamingoftigers lives close to where I live and we have the highest rental rates in the country. Actually I just did a comparison of the average apt rental cost in my city vs yours and the rents are pretty similar. You seem to have very limited knowledge of the world around you. You live in this fantasy world where you think everyone else had/has it easier than you. You believe that everyone that has overcome obstacles or solved problems only did so because their problems or obstacles were no where as big as yours. You live in a world full of self pity while taking no responsibility for your own life.

 

I don't know where you should of went if your in laws kicked you out but if it had me I damn well would have found out. I'm mentioned that I became pregnant as a teen. Did I also mention that I was homeless at the time? When I found out I was pregnant I knew I couldn't stay on the streets so I got busy figuring out what I was going to do. It took several months but eventually I found a place specifically for unwed pregnant teens and even after I found them I had to wait for a vacancy. I was 5 months pregnant when I moved in. Can you tell me specifically exactly what steps you took to research your options when you became pregnant? Who did you reach out to? What agencies did you contact? What programs did you look into and who specifically told you that your only options were to be homeless or have a child against your will? I'm guessing you didn't even do any research, I think you just did nothing other than wail "poor little helpless me, there is nothing I could possibly do about this other than blame it all on other people"

 

My husband was homeless for quite awhile too.

He knew plenty of homeless girls who ended up pregnant etc.

 

Some grew up right away. Some already started ahead of the game and were just in a temporary rut. Some changed nothing and eventually lost their kids or just sent them off.

 

The number one deciding factor was what one was willing to do or change. The ones that pulled up and did everything they could to keep their kids, did. (In general, depending on if they got a moronic social worker a time or two)

 

Honestly, my husband relapsed at one point. He smartened up a little after and supported our daughter. He really wasn't well enough to have a job at the time. He had injured his back badly (still needs surgery in fact) but he would go out and panhandle and send the money to us to keep the lights on / rent paid until he got treatment etc.

 

He didn't want her to suffer his consequences more than she already had by having her Dad away.

 

Before that happened, I did have to stay with her for a very short time in a homeless shelter because my place lost hear and water. Then my church stepped in.

 

Frankly, unless you are BLATANTLY UNABLE to care for your child, you do EVERYTHING you can to do so. EVERYTHING. If it means going to a shelter, you go. If it means accessing government services, you do. If it means begging, get good at it. Nobody else is responsible for bringing your child here but YOU.

[Sugarkane]

I actually tried gettign help SEVERAL TIMES throughout the pregnancy. So I wasn't doing nothing about it. As I've written before.

 

 

 

I doubt you're this hostile with your own family in real life. At least I actually post instead of being hostile to people on here.

 

 

My husband was homeless for quite awhile too.

He knew plenty of homeless girls who ended up pregnant etc.

 

Some grew up right away. Some already started ahead of the game and were just in a temporary rut. Some changed nothing and eventually lost their kids or just sent them off.

 

The number one deciding factor was what one was willing to do or change. The ones that pulled up and did everything they could to keep their kids, did. (In general, depending on if they got a moronic social worker a time or two)

 

Honestly, my husband relapsed at one point. He smartened up a little after and supported our daughter. He really wasn't well enough to have a job at the time. He had injured his back badly (still needs surgery in fact) but he would go out and panhandle and send the money to us to keep the lights on / rent paid until he got treatment etc.

 

He didn't want her to suffer his consequences more than she already had by having her Dad away.

 

Before that happened, I did have to stay with her for a very short time in a homeless shelter because my place lost hear and water. Then my church stepped in.

 

Frankly, unless you are BLATANTLY UNABLE to care for your child, you do EVERYTHING you can to do so. EVERYTHING. If it means going to a shelter, you go. If it means accessing government services, you do. If it means begging, get good at it. Nobody else is responsible for bringing your child here but YOU.

[Sugarkane]

Why should I have too? I'm available when my husband isn't. The whole point of doing study is so that hopefully I can better provide for her.

 

 

 

You may have to choose between continuing your schooling and raising your daughter - unless you and your in-laws can agree to when you need them for child-care, and when you will be keeping her.

 

Obviously you and your husband are unable to arrange a schedule that works around his jobs/sleeping, and to enable your schooling.

[Sugarkane]

My doctor wouldn't do it for me, for some reason.

 

 

 

I have said this several times to no response. Why don;t you get a referral under a mental health plan from a GP. You can see the same person for 10 sessions. No charge.

 

The legal aspect is unclear. why are you wanting advice from a lawyer?

[MuddyFootprints]

Unless you turn things around today you won't have any control in her (or your) life ever.

 

If it's half as bad as you say, I'd be quitting school and dragging my daughter and husband half a world away.

 

3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 16, 17...

 

You think things are bad now? Honey, you are in for a world of conflict for the rest of your life if you don't change things now.

[dreamingoftigers]

I actually tried gettign help SEVERAL TIMES throughout the pregnancy. So I wasn't doing nothing about it. As I've written before.

 

 

 

I doubt you're this hostile with your own family in real life. At least I actually post instead of being hostile to people on here.

 

The second paragraph is CLASSIC passive-aggressive nonsense. You might as well save it, my mother-in-law already has the trophy in that competition.

 

Frankly, if and when my family acts as passive and passive-aggressive as I've seen you post, I have NO ISSUE bringing my complaint to the table forthright.

 

My family is also not scared of what you term "hostility."

We don't hide our true feelings and sneak around complaining behind each other's back. (Well, my Mom does, her issue, not mine).

 

I have exactly zero issues telling my daughter where my boundaries are. She knows where the time out chair is as well. But SHE ALSO TRUSTS ME to share feelings with me, have me protect her and she knows I will never leave her. That's been proven over and over again.

 

"At least I.....[insert the suggestion of having a better character here]" is the last bastion of passive-aggressive communication. Suggesting that you have no response to my actual points that I've written and then trying to deflect blame to my character, and suggesting that somehow I fall short of you, is very poor indeed.

 

On top of the other advice I've given you; I am going to suggest reading the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townshend.

 

And googling communication styles. Your communication style lacks functionality. Many on here have mentioned "whining and deflecting responsibility." Both books should help with that since you seem unable to connect with adequate counseling.

[turnera]

My doctor wouldn't do it for me, for some reason.

 

Sugarkane, the grownup response would be to go BACK to the doctor and ASK him why not. That's what adults do.

 

But for some reason, you don't seem to have the capacity to realize the opportunities you have for fixing your situation.

[Sugarkane]

He was really rude to me last time. Plus I don't want to be charged too much for the appointment because I can't afford much.

 

Sugarkane, the grownup response would be to go BACK to the doctor and ASK him why not. That's what adults do.

 

But for some reason, you don't seem to have the capacity to realize the opportunities you have for fixing your situation.