Controlling in laws, DV marriage, should I divorce?

[Sugarkane]

Thanks I'll make a note of that. You don't know how annoyed I am that there's books aren't available anywhere in store here.

 

 

Problem is my father in law is never available at the right time. Now they're lying saying I'm coaching my daughter into calling them swear words. When I would never do that and make this situation worse.

 

I'm so angry my husband won't do anything.

 

 

 

The second paragraph is CLASSIC passive-aggressive nonsense. You might as well save it, my mother-in-law already has the trophy in that competition.

 

Frankly, if and when my family acts as passive and passive-aggressive as I've seen you post, I have NO ISSUE bringing my complaint to the table forthright.

 

My family is also not scared of what you term "hostility."

We don't hide our true feelings and sneak around complaining behind each other's back. (Well, my Mom does, her issue, not mine).

 

I have exactly zero issues telling my daughter where my boundaries are. She knows where the time out chair is as well. But SHE ALSO TRUSTS ME to share feelings with me, have me protect her and she knows I will never leave her. That's been proven over and over again.

 

"At least I.....[insert the suggestion of having a better character here]" is the last bastion of passive-aggressive communication. Suggesting that you have no response to my actual points that I've written and then trying to deflect blame to my character, and suggesting that somehow I fall short of you, is very poor indeed.

 

On top of the other advice I've given you; I am going to suggest reading the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townshend.

 

And googling communication styles. Your communication style lacks functionality. Many on here have mentioned "whining and deflecting responsibility." Both books should help with that since you seem unable to connect with adequate counseling.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks I'll make a note of that. You don't know how annoyed I am that there's books aren't available anywhere in store here.

 

 

Problem is my father in law is never available at the right time. Now they're lying saying I'm coaching my daughter into calling them swear words. When I would never do that and make this situation worse.

 

I'm so angry my husband won't do anything.

 

Amazon dot com

 

And as for the BS games they are playing, perhaps you could use a little old-fashioned hostility toward them

 

Be blunt: "of course I am NOT teaching my child SWEAR WORDS. Especially to swear at you. I have no idea why you would assume I'm teaching her that and encouraging her to say it to anyone at all. Keep looking, maybe you'll figure it out. But for now, I'm done listening to that garbage."

[Sugarkane]

And I just l know when I'll go over there my MIL will physically try and keep my daughter away from me. And so sick and tired of their constant critisizms.

Edited December 9, 2015 by Sugarkane

[dreamingoftigers]

And I just l know when I'll go over there my MIL will physically try and keep my daughter away from me.

 

Man, if my MIL tried that one of us would be going to the hospital and the other one to jail.

 

Not literally.

 

I just would never, never, never, never, never tolerate that.

 

But if it hasn't happened yet, its time to deal with the boundaries are they come up.

 

Is there a chance they overstep so blatantly because you back off and let them. A lot of control-freak personalities thrive with more passive people.

[dreamingoftigers]

And I just l know when I'll go over there my MIL will physically try and keep my daughter away from me. And so sick and tired of their constant critisizms.

 

Straight-up, I get triggered by criticism as well. In marital counseling both my husband and I have been told to knock it off.

 

My father makes up BS and is very critical. In fact, he makes things up to be critical of. It's very toxic. How do I deal?

 

Frankly I let him know what I would and wouldn't deal with. He doesn't respect boundaries, so we barely speak. I refuse to give someone airtime whose primary goal is to dominate, control, lie and manipulate.

 

There have been years of no contact with my father. He has tried to destroy my business, break-up my marriage (even before there were issues), and try to gain custody of my daughter. Not for the sake of my daughter either. That's just the icing on the cake really.

 

I have fought fire with fire many times with him. I made sure I was always autonomous.

 

When I married and my mother-in-law tried some of the same games, I had no patience. (She is AWFUL to my husband). I never once allowed her to triangulate with me against my husband. Not once. She has issues, big ones. We are distant friends but I refuse to listen to her criticism or anything insulting about my husband. I patently refuse.

 

Make sure you are autonomous FIRST AND FOREMOST from abusive family members.

 

If you have to use food banks or whatever to remain afloat with your daughter, do so. Do whatever you need to to get out from under the toxicity for you and your child.

 

Let them run their mouths. If they have no legal say in custody etc, they can suck it.

 

I don't see you ever able to be happy and a Mom while believing they hold the power cards.

 

Don't be afraid to take control of your own and your daughters life. Know that there will be sacrifices, but that you aren't FORCED to live this way.

 

Their feelings don't matter more than yours and sure things are scary, but you aren't going to starve to death or freeze to death even though things might be tough for awhile.

 

Their toxic BS doesn't belong in you or your daughter's life.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I think you are profoundly unhappy and close to being in a serious crisis, somehow you need to get the courage, strength and honesty WITH YOURSELF to change your life. Good luck.

[Sugarkane]

Thankyou, you don't how depressed this whole situation has made me. I have been trying to get help and the counseling I've had is a complete joke. It has been very lonely.

 

And of coarse the only person who is assertive is my father. But instead came over and complained about his work to me- when I have been out of work.

 

 

 

 

 

Straight-up, I get triggered by criticism as well. In marital counseling both my husband and I have been told to knock it off.

 

My father makes up BS and is very critical. In fact, he makes things up to be critical of. It's very toxic. How do I deal?

 

Frankly I let him know what I would and wouldn't deal with. He doesn't respect boundaries, so we barely speak. I refuse to give someone airtime whose primary goal is to dominate, control, lie and manipulate.

 

There have been years of no contact with my father. He has tried to destroy my business, break-up my marriage (even before there were issues), and try to gain custody of my daughter. Not for the sake of my daughter either. That's just the icing on the cake really.

 

I have fought fire with fire many times with him. I made sure I was always autonomous.

 

When I married and my mother-in-law tried some of the same games, I had no patience. (She is AWFUL to my husband). I never once allowed her to triangulate with me against my husband. Not once. She has issues, big ones. We are distant friends but I refuse to listen to her criticism or anything insulting about my husband. I patently refuse.

 

Make sure you are autonomous FIRST AND FOREMOST from abusive family members.

 

If you have to use food banks or whatever to remain afloat with your daughter, do so. Do whatever you need to to get out from under the toxicity for you and your child.

 

Let them run their mouths. If they have no legal say in custody etc, they can suck it.

 

I don't see you ever able to be happy and a Mom while believing they hold the power cards.

 

Don't be afraid to take control of your own and your daughters life. Know that there will be sacrifices, but that you aren't FORCED to live this way.

 

Their feelings don't matter more than yours and sure things are scary, but you aren't going to starve to death or freeze to death even though things might be tough for awhile.

 

Their toxic BS doesn't belong in you or your daughter's life.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thankyou, you don't how depressed this whole situation has made me. I have been trying to get help and the counseling I've had is a complete joke. It has been very lonely.

 

And of coarse the only person who is assertive is my father. But instead came over and complained about his work to me- when I have been out of work.

 

Depression generally stems from feeling trapped and powerless to change it.

 

Unfortunately, it often looks from the outside that you are invested in your misery.

 

Perhaps taking the online depression test could be a start and would also be grounds for accessing medical services.

 

It's very hard to see if anything CAN change when you have low energy and are not feeling right. Depression often clouds judgment and triggers more guilt etc.

 

Would you take the online depression test and come back to the thread?

 

I discovered a few years ago after dealing with my own very depressing situation that, well, I was depressed. It doesn't mean there's not an outside cause for it. (To a point) But dealing with all of the stressors is ten times harder (or more) while you are depressed.

 

Much of the advice here is going to seem very difficult to accomplish if you are depressed. It will feel overwhelming.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thankyou, you don't how depressed this whole situation has made me. I have been trying to get help and the counseling I've had is a complete joke. It has been very lonely.

 

And of coarse the only person who is assertive is my father. But instead came over and complained about his work to me- when I have been out of work.

 

Ha, of course, right?

 

Some parents, yikes.

[StBreton]

And I just l know when I'll go over there my MIL will physically try and keep my daughter away from me. And so sick and tired of their constant critisizms.

 

Do you in-laws question your mental capability/functioning and ability to properly care for your child?

 

When you discuss the issue with your husband, why do you get into an argument? Does your husband feel you are capable of properly caring for your child along?

 

OP...you are here asking for advice to deal with your in-law situation. You do this "trickle truth" thing that is not allowing for clear understanding of your situation and doesn't allow for proper feedback channels. Also, you are given a lot of good advice but you shoot down so much of it for one reason or another. What is it that you are truly attempting to accomplish here?

[Sugarkane]

No I don't think they question my mental abiltiy. It's always some other excuse. E.g we don't have a bed for her, they still want her over, or we don't do enough activities with her (BS), I'm not good enough parent etc.

 

 

 

I get into an argument with my husband because he complains that all I do is complain about his parents and he is tired and works hard. Then has a go at me about why I don't have a job yet. Even though I've applied for literally hundreds of low paying jobs.

 

 

 

 

 

Do you in-laws question your mental capability/functioning and ability to properly care for your child?

 

When you discuss the issue with your husband, why do you get into an argument? Does your husband feel you are capable of properly caring for your child along?

 

OP...you are here asking for advice to deal with your in-law situation. You do this "trickle truth" thing that is not allowing for clear understanding of your situation and doesn't allow for proper feedback channels. Also, you are given a lot of good advice but you shoot down so much of it for one reason or another. What is it that you are truly attempting to accomplish here?

[Sugarkane]

Problem is now, as I've been doing washing at the laundromat, one of them would have picked up my daughter.

[Cherryz]

/Thats a very bad situation.

 

Where is your husband in all of this?

 

He suppose to provide a rove above your head. And this is his family(sister) so

he should say something.

And really get you guys your own place very fast.

 

Is he working his butt off?

 

One thing you can do is do your stuff like cooking ect. when she is away.And try not to be home to much at the times that she is at home if its possible. Even if its for few hours.Dont know how old your kid is but you can go to the playground with her, visit family,libery. etc.

Go a cheap weekend away if possible .

 

And meanwhile save money, spent less(LIKE CRAZY) and work on a SHORT plan with your husband to move out and get your own place.

Look for the options in your area. Maybe they can help you get a home faster because you guys have a kid.

 

Do all of this with in the back of your mind that this is temporary and not healthy for your kid!!!!!! And working and saving like a horse to get your own place. Be a team with your husband! And when you have things to discus with him go to the park or sit in the car and talk or so. Involve this person less in your business.And dont say a word about your plans to leaving till you are ready to leave .

[StBreton]

Problem is now, as I've been doing washing at the laundromat, one of them would have picked up my daughter.

 

Why didn't you pick up your daughter before you went to the laundry?

[Sugarkane]

We already have our own place.

 

 

/Thats a very bad situation.

 

Where is your husband in all of this?

 

He suppose to provide a rove above your head. And this is his family(sister) so

he should say something.

And really get you guys your own place very fast.

 

Is he working his butt off?

 

One thing you can do is do your stuff like cooking ect. when she is away.And try not to be home to much at the times that she is at home if its possible. Even if its for few hours.Dont know how old your kid is but you can go to the playground with her, visit family,libery. etc.

Go a cheap weekend away if possible .

 

And meanwhile save money, spent less(LIKE CRAZY) and work on a SHORT plan with your husband to move out and get your own place.

Look for the options in your area. Maybe they can help you get a home faster because you guys have a kid.

 

Do all of this with in the back of your mind that this is temporary and not healthy for your kid!!!!!! And working and saving like a horse to get your own place. Be a team with your husband! And when you have things to discus with him go to the park or sit in the car and talk or so. Involve this person less in your business.And dont say a word about your plans to leaving till you are ready to leave .

[StBreton]

No I don't think they question my mental abiltiy. It's always some other excuse. E.g we don't have a bed for her, they still want her over, or we don't do enough activities with her (BS), I'm not good enough parent etc.

 

 

 

I get into an argument with my husband because he complains that all I do is complain about his parents and he is tired and works hard. Then has a go at me about why I don't have a job yet. Even though I've applied for literally hundreds of low paying jobs.

 

I've asked before why you haven't gotten a bed for your daughter...you've lived in your apartment for 6 months now. Even a blow up mattress with sheets and blankets would be fine for a toddler.

 

What kinds of activities do you do with your child? Do you go to story hour at the local book store or library? Do you do art projects at home with her? At your daughter's age, my kids were painting with pudding and making art projects with gluing Cherios or Goldfish crackers to paper...this taught them how to count. Do you go to parks with your daughter?

 

I don't understand how you could work right now anyway with going to school full time and taking care of your daughter. Your husband has a Masters degree...doesn't he make enough $ for a small apartment and other expenses for you to be able to just go to school and stay home with your daughter?

[Sugarkane]

My husband started work early.

 

 

Why didn't you pick up your daughter before you went to the laundry?

[Sugarkane]

I had the money but then my husband agreed to this stupid holiday.Even though I already said I didn't want to go on holiday with his family.

 

 

I already do all those suggestions with my daughter. We take her to the park/ playground lots.

 

 

 

 

I've asked before why you haven't gotten a bed for your daughter...you've lived in your apartment for 6 months now. Even a blow up mattress with sheets and blankets would be fine for a toddler.

 

What kinds of activities do you do with your child? Do you go to story hour at the local book store or library? Do you do art projects at home with her? At your daughter's age, my kids were painting with pudding and making art projects with gluing Cherios or Goldfish crackers to paper...this taught them how to count. Do you go to parks with your daughter?

 

I don't understand how you could work right now anyway with going to school full time and taking care of your daughter. Your husband has a Masters degree...doesn't he make enough $ for a small apartment and other expenses for you to be able to just go to school and stay home with your daughter?

[StBreton]

My husband started work early.

 

 

So you didn't have a vehicle then to pick up daughter? Why is daughter over at in-laws now anyway when you are off of school till beginning of next semester? How about going over and picking up daughter and not dropping her at day-care so your in-laws don't have the opportunity to pick up your daughter? Do you not want to spend that much time with your daughter?

 

Granted, little ones are a handful sometimes...but isn't it better to have your daughter with you all the time than for your in-laws to wield control all the time? The only way to fight this battle is for you to just take control of your daughter as it doesn't seem like the in-laws want to hear anything you have to say...which is so wrong and I feel for you that you have to deal with this...

[StBreton]

I had the money but then my husband agreed to this stupid holiday.Even though I already said I didn't want to go on holiday with his family.

 

 

I already do all those suggestions with my daughter. We take her to the park/ playground lots.

 

Oh that holiday is coming up with the in-laws...how are you feeling about that? What's your escape plan to avoid them ... except at meal times?

 

You could totally get lost on a cruise ship and they wouldn't be able to find you! You could just not answer the cabin door should they come knocking!!

 

Are you cruising to somewhere fun?

[Cherryz]

i see this topic reach 25 pages.

so meanwhile you got your own place so why still so many complains?

 

if there still so many now that you got your own place i start think you bringing the drama yourself or allowing it.

 

because if you have your own place its not hard for you to close your door and sleep well.

why is the inlaws still a topic?

 

you have your own place why you still not tell them to stf up?

or put them in their place in a assertive way?

or role only with the ones that are worth it?

 

i also see you oonly complain and complain about what is going bad and what others do bad to you.

but what about what you gonna do to better the situation???

is to much negative. if you not work start having a goal everyday like a project. like

painting art or gardening or so.

something simple relaxing and that can give you positivism and so on.

[Sugarkane]

That's what I've been trying to do. But all my daughter's things are at my in laws. Plus my husband hasn't done much to help.

 

 

 

 

So you didn't have a vehicle then to pick up daughter? Why is daughter over at in-laws now anyway when you are off of school till beginning of next semester? How about going over and picking up daughter and not dropping her at day-care so your in-laws don't have the opportunity to pick up your daughter? Do you not want to spend that much time with your daughter?

 

Granted, little ones are a handful sometimes...but isn't it better to have your daughter with you all the time than for your in-laws to wield control all the time? The only way to fight this battle is for you to just take control of your daughter as it doesn't seem like the in-laws want to hear anything you have to say...which is so wrong and I feel for you that you have to deal with this...

[Sugarkane]

I've been trying to but I'm always the only one that gets left to deal with them alone. And they always find a way to take over. This wouldn't be a problem if there was a car park at my apartment. All my daughters things are at theirs.

 

 

 

 

 

i see this topic reach 25 pages.

so meanwhile you got your own place so why still so many complains?

 

if there still so many now that you got your own place i start think you bringing the drama yourself or allowing it.

 

because if you have your own place its not hard for you to close your door and sleep well.

why is the inlaws still a topic?

 

you have your own place why you still not tell them to stf up?

or put them in their place in a assertive way?

or role only with the ones that are worth it?

 

i also see you oonly complain and complain about what is going bad and what others do bad to you.

but what about what you gonna do to better the situation???

is to much negative. if you not work start having a goal everyday like a project. like

painting art or gardening or so.

something simple relaxing and that can give you positivism and so on.

[Sugarkane]

She refuses to sleep on the mattress we got her.

 

I've asked before why you haven't gotten a bed for your daughter...you've lived in your apartment for 6 months now. Even a blow up mattress with sheets and blankets would be fine for a toddler.

 

What kinds of activities do you do with your child? Do you go to story hour at the local book store or library? Do you do art projects at home with her? At your daughter's age, my kids were painting with pudding and making art projects with gluing Cherios or Goldfish crackers to paper...this taught them how to count. Do you go to parks with your daughter?

 

I don't understand how you could work right now anyway with going to school full time and taking care of your daughter. Your husband has a Masters degree...doesn't he make enough $ for a small apartment and other expenses for you to be able to just go to school and stay home with your daughter?

[Cherryz]

OP...you are here asking for advice to deal with your in-law situation. You do this "trickle truth" thing that is not allowing for clear understanding of your situation and doesn't allow for proper feedback channels. Also, you are given a lot of good advice but you shoot down so much of it for one reason or another. What is it that you are truly attempting to accomplish here?

 

 

Agreed!!!!!!!!!!!