Controlling in laws, DV marriage, should I divorce?

[turnera]

NONE of my in laws listen to the word NO.

This is the gist of your entire problem.

 

You are a grownup. You are an adult. TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE AND YOUR CHILD'S LIFE.

 

If some other human being says no, DO SOMETHING about it.

 

Until you grow up and ACT like an adult, you will continue to have the same problems over and over and over and over and over....

 

Nobody can do this for you.

[StBreton]

Rosebud...the question of whether OP and her husband are fit parents has been posed before...with no response. Though OP hasn't said as much...it appears the in-laws do not feel that OP is a fit parent.

 

Also, OP likes to trickle truth the entire scenario and often forgets what her last "truth" posted was which doesn't always correlate with the most recent "truth." Things are very convoluted. I tried to make sense of things, offer some help, call the OP out on behavior that doesn't seem fitting for a good parent only to receive cryptic or illogical responses.

 

For the record, the OP's husband works afternoons and evenings.

[StBreton]

This is the gist of your entire problem.

 

You are a grownup. You are an adult. TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE AND YOUR CHILD'S LIFE.

 

If some other human being says no, DO SOMETHING about it.

 

Until you grow up and ACT like an adult, you will continue to have the same problems over and over and over and over and over....

 

Nobody can do this for you.

 

 

So true. When Sugarkane says she talks to a therapist, she says that "they just make me say the same things over and over and over" and problems never get solved. I don't think the OP realizes that she creates her own pattern over and over and over again...so that is what she hears in her head...from her therapist, from her in-laws. I don't know if this is tied to some type of mental illness but it is obsessive. I'm not sure the OP has true control of her behavior...she won't answer questions related to her mental health.

[StBreton]

As I said before my coarse isn't available at night.

 

 

Actually, in the earlier part of this thread, you said you had a class at night and that is why your in-laws had to pick up your daughter from day care as neither you or your husband were available to pick her up.

 

So OP...how many days a week do you go to school?

How many credit hours are you taking?

What are you studying?

Is the day care near your home?

Is the day care near your school?

 

Why does your husband think you can work and go to school and care for a very young child all at the same time? What is the truth with your situation so posters can help you figure out a solution to your in-laws taking your daughter all the time?

[almond]

There are some definite issues here that no one on the internet is going to be able to help with.

 

I'm very happy that this struggling family have in laws that are willing to assist as much as they are...financially, raising the child, putting a roof over this couple's head etc.

 

No one allows their child to be taken and raised by someone else unless there are some serious problems. No in laws would take a child to raise themselves for no good reason.

[StBreton]

True Almond ^^^^

 

I think the in-laws are well aware the OP gets caught up in her "round and round and round" thinking and they take over...much to the OP's chagrin.

 

OP, maybe for a few moments you could be thankful that your in-laws do so much for you. Just consider it and consider they are doing it for the best interest of your daughter, their grand daughter. You might be able to come out of your loop thinking a little then. They are not perfect...but who of us is?

[almond]

I know we've been told that they "take over," but from what I've gathered, the husband has agreed to this arrangement, and OP has allowed them to raise her daughter for her. No anger towards her husband though...just constant attacks on the in laws.

 

Seems to me like they're doing everyone a favour to be honest, and they may have no idea that OP is so upset about it all (although not upset enough to actually do anything about it and raise her daughter herself).

[anika99]

So true. When Sugarkane says she talks to a therapist, she says that "they just make me say the same things over and over and over" and problems never get solved. I don't think the OP realizes that she creates her own pattern over and over and over again...so that is what she hears in her head...from her therapist, from her in-laws. I don't know if this is tied to some type of mental illness but it is obsessive. I'm not sure the OP has true control of her behavior...she won't answer questions related to her mental health.

 

This is really the problem. OP says therapy doesn't do any good, self-help books don't do any good, and now she's calling lawyers and I bet she will report that they don't do any good either. Because she doesn't want to take advice, learn anything knew or try to change herself. She thinks other people should change or fix her problems and when they can't do that then everything they say is useless. We've seen it over and over again in this thread. People offer helpful suggestions or advice and the OP comes back with negativity and excuses or redirects the conversation towards more blaming of the in laws.

[UpwardForward]

Why should I have too? I'm available when my husband isn't. The whole point of doing study is so that hopefully I can better provide for her.

 

She needs a Mother. And will for sometime.

 

My parents both worked. It may have made me more independent and for life. But there were early years, that I needed her. Not bossy neighbors/babysitters/childcare.

 

I think people should say it the way it is. They want to work, because they want more.

 

At this age, your daughter isn't going to care about materialism or what money can buy her.

[UpwardForward]

I had the money but then my husband agreed to this stupid holiday.Even though I already said I didn't want to go on holiday with his family.

 

 

I already do all those suggestions with my daughter. We take her to the park/ playground lots.

 

From reading your posts, it appears money is very hard to come by.

 

Then the oppression of your in-laws pulling on your daughter from one side - and your feeling pressured to get a job, even by your husband!

 

In other words: There is No Way you and your husband should finance any of the 'holiday'. In-laws have invited you, they should pay.

 

Get the bed. Plead poverty regarding the trip.

 

Your husband works two jobs? Can he even afford to leave for the in-law's vacation-trip.

Edited December 12, 2015 by UpwardForward

[almond]

There is No Way you and your husband should finance any of the 'holiday'. In-laws have invited you, they should pay.

 

 

Since when were adults responsible for paying for other adults' vacations, simply because they were the ones that invited them? Sounds pretty silly to me.

 

If they can't afford the vacation, then they should not go. They are not entitled to a free trip just because the in laws invited them!

[UpwardForward]

Since when were adults responsible for paying for other adults' vacations, simply because they were the ones that invited them? Sounds pretty silly to me.

 

If they can't afford the vacation, then they should not go. They are not entitled to a free trip just because the in laws invited them!

 

SugarKane, It appears obvious the in-laws know of your struggling financial situation. And if they are holding it over you the size of the apartment, no bed for your daughter, etc. Further using as an excuse of taking or keeping her w/o your approval.

 

It would also appear quite appropriate in this situation that in-laws gift you with the trip, if they want your company (or your daughter's).

 

Obviously your husband has already made them to think he can afford the trip. But what price? Sacrificing a bed for your daughter - and with their further input & controlling?

Edited December 13, 2015 by UpwardForward

[Sugarkane]

Are you absolutely ****ing kidding me? How would you know what the counseling was like? Were you with me? Why would I spend 2 years on and off trying to find a GOOD counselor, just for the fun of it?Are you an expert in the field?

 

 

 

My in laws CONSTANTLY UNDERMINE me ans make decisions WITHOUT asking us. Would you be happy with that behaviour?

 

 

True Almond ^^^^

 

I think the in-laws are well aware the OP gets caught up in her "round and round and round" thinking and they take over...much to the OP's chagrin.

 

OP, maybe for a few moments you could be thankful that your in-laws do so much for you. Just consider it and consider they are doing it for the best interest of your daughter, their grand daughter. You might be able to come out of your loop thinking a little then. They are not perfect...but who of us is?

[Sugarkane]

Well have you actually met my in laws? Pretty easy for a stranger on the internet to make ASSUMPTION after ASSUMPTION isn't it?

 

 

Its not unheard of people doing this. Last time I checked, its called BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER, NARCISSISM and people with NO BOUNDARIES.

 

I know I have nothing to hide even if you (A STRANGER WHO HAS MET NONE OF US) want to argue this OVER AND OVER AGAIN, for almost an ENTIRE thread.

 

 

There are some definite issues here that no one on the internet is going to be able to help with.

 

I'm very happy that this struggling family have in laws that are willing to assist as much as they are...financially, raising the child, putting a roof over this couple's head etc.

 

No one allows their child to be taken and raised by someone else unless there are some serious problems. No in laws would take a child to raise themselves for no good reason.

[turnera]

My in laws CONSTANTLY UNDERMINE me and make decisions WITHOUT asking us. Would you be happy with that behaviour?

Do they have LEGAL AUTHORIZATION to make decisions for your child? What? No?

 

Then why the hell does it matter what a non-legally-authorized person wants to do?

 

Tell me.

[TunaCat]

My in laws CONSTANTLY UNDERMINE me ans make decisions WITHOUT asking us. Would you be happy with that behaviour?

 

They CAN'T undermine you unless YOU allow that behavior.

 

By you sitting back and passively allowing them this much control over your life & your daughter's life, you aren't asserting yourself and taking back control.

 

She's YOUR daughter, they CANNOT make decisions about your daughter unless you allow them to.

 

If you want to parent your daughter, then DO IT!

[UpwardForward]

I would think, once you give your toddler to others for their 'care', this control situation can happen. Especially if they put themselves in a position of wanting to protect/nurture her, or of criticizing you - or the manner in which you live.

 

You wish to go to school for another year, and in the meantime you seek employment.

 

Assuming in-laws are not charging you for taking care of her, it would seem you are stuck. And I can't see that placing her with still another sitter, would be to her benefit, anyway.

 

You will have to be more assertive about demanding your daughter when you want her. And I would hate to see your bill for counseling, thus far.

[Rejected Rosebud]

If you didn't hand your daughter over to them, they would not be raising your daughter.

 

If you and your husband were willing, capable of and in the position to provide a home, a bed and care for a little one consistently, you would be doing it. BUT YOU ARE NOT.

[PenelopeG]

Honestly, it’s truly sad reading this thread. I feel so sorry for your daughter, and the mess she has stumbled into, through no choice or fault of her own. And it doesn’t appear that you want to do a great deal to help her or you out of it. Instead, it’s more important to you to blame everyone else for your situation, and therefore, you can avoid taking any responsibility for the life you have.

That’s fine for you. For your daughter? No, sorry, it doesn’t cut it. Your daughter deserves you fighting tooth and nail to raise her, take care of her, provide for her, and most importantly, fight for her. As of right now, it would appear that you are simply rolling over and letting the ILs take control. If that’s the case, why? None of this BS about how your H leaves you to deal with them on your own (if that’s true-you have big issues to sort with your H). Why are you allowing them to raise your daughter?

If the ILs are so toxic, why are you allowing them to take care of your child? They have zero legal rights over her, thus, the only control they have is that which you supply them with. Is there a reason why they feel the need to step in and take over? It sounds like you have a great deal to feel grateful to them for-providing for you, your H and your daughter, being just one of them. Are they really as bad as you’re making out? Maybe they are, but that still raises the question why would you allow such toxic people to raise your child?

See, your child doesn’t work around your schedule. Your schedule works around your child. So, if your schooling interferes with your ability to raise your child, you postpone it until a more appropriate time.

People only have the control we allow them to have. If you allow your ILs to take your daughter and raise her, guess what? They will, and all that shows them and everyone else, is that you’re either not willing or not capable of doing the task yourself. Being a mother is hard, especially when you didn’t truly plan for it to happen, but things happen. You adjust to life as it is now, and you make it work. You don’t sit on your hands and blame everyone else because it hasn’t quite panned out as you would have liked. Nothing ever does.

So much of this thread has been you dodging questions, shifting responsibility, fudging facts that it is really hard to give you an answer that will actually truly help your situation. Right now, the way I see it, is that you either: take control of your own life and the life of your daughter and do everything necessary to take care of her, or you hand her over to the ILs and abdicate your responsibility as a mother. Which is it going to be?

I think there’s a lot more to this story than you are telling us, OP, and I do wonder if the reason the ILs are getting involved so much is because they suspect you cannot cope or don’t want to cope. You seem really apathetic towards the whole situation. You seemed more passionate about whinging about the ILs and how “spoilt” your SIL is than you do about your daughter.

That’s sad. That’s sad that you’re more concerned with what your SIL is or isn’t getting from her parents (which is really none of your business) than making the steps necessary to ensure your daughter has the best possible home with you and your H. Is your H as passive about this as you appear to be?

Until you take responsibility for your situation, you will forever be running around in circles, wondering where the hell you’re going.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Your daughter deserves you fighting tooth and nail to raise her, take care of her, provide for her, and most importantly, fight for her. .

 

If the little girls grandparents are going to be taking care of her most of the time, this doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing for the child. But the negativity around it will be.

 

SugarKane, even though clearly you are not happy about the way this is all playing out, you really have accepted it by participating. You are not taking over the care, you are going along with this no matter how furious you are. The best thing for your daughter and for YOU is to come to a place of acceptance. Your little girl doesn't need all this rage and hatred in her life. She probably LOVES her grandparents! Imagine how confusing it must be for her to feel your hatred for them.

 

I guess this just comes around, again, to your therapy. Therapy takes time and I doubt people EVER go into it with a lot of problems and immediately think "this is working great!!" It takes commitment.

 

Sometimes we can't do what we need to do for ourselves, even though we SHOULD care about ourselves enough to do it. But maybe you can do it for your daughter now. You must know that you can't go on like this without doing some kind of harm to her. I'm talking just about YOU - not all the other people around you.

 

Take care.

[dreamingoftigers]

OP, have you checked out depression yet as a potential issue?

[youdunsay]

I am facing the opposite situation, that is with my older brother's wife. Well the truly distressed folks are my parents. My SIL had badmouthed to my brother that we were talking behind her back. Indeed we were. We talked good things about her, we praised how easygoing she was. But ever since her complaints to my brother mounted up day after day such that those complaints were raised into confrontations from my brother to my parents, my judgement of her character has changed totally. She gave an air of entitlement especially after she gave birth to my nephew.

 

How should we deal with her? We all want both of them -- my brother and sister-in-law -- to be a lovely and happy couple but now it seems that they have strengthened to battle against us. They are living with us. My parents helped to take care of them and my nephew and paid for almost everything.

[BettyDraper]

Based on the OP's replies in this thread, I wonder if she feels that therapy is unsuccessful because the therapists do not tell her what she wants to hear.

[Sugarkane]

It's not me that takes her back- It's my husband.

 

 

If they're that fantastic why are they:

 

a) Telling when I can and can't have MY OWN CHILD. There is NO COURT ORDER OR DHS involved. I have NO criminal record.

 

b) Threatened to kick us out if we didn't have her in the first place. Yet blaming us for not being financially secure. Its not like they didn't know we weren't struggling! Yet they're too scared to put pressure on their own daughter to have a child, yet alone have one without an income.

 

 

If you didn't hand your daughter over to them, they would not be raising your daughter.

 

If you and your husband were willing, capable of and in the position to provide a home, a bed and care for a little one consistently, you would be doing it. BUT YOU ARE NOT.

[Sugarkane]

And how would you know? Have you ever tried actually trying to get crisis pregnancy counseling? One without connections to a church. And have you tried in my city?

 

 

 

Based on the OP's replies in this thread, I wonder if she feels that therapy is unsuccessful because the therapists do not tell her what she wants to hear.