Controlling in laws, DV marriage, should I divorce?

[Sugarkane]

I was also thinking this. I mean she's acting like the inlaws are giving her the legal orders, and I know that's not right -- or if it is, she's silly for minding them. If CPS or the courts have told her to do certain things, they don't send that message via the inlaws. They tell you in court. Now, if you don't show up to court, that's on you. But yes, courts all want to return children to the mother and/or father if they possibly can. I know heroin addicts who got them back and just kept having drug babies, too.

 

 

I explained in an earlier post about that they refused to give my child back to me. They are all narcissists.

[Sugarkane]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/familial/family/503293-bossy-spoilt-criticizing-sil-inlaws-26.html

 

I haven't met anyone in person who didn't agree with me. When I want to be her parents and these narcissistic sick in laws, kept her from me on purpose. They had NO COURT ORDER. I went to the police MULTIPLE TIMES and tehy said it "wasn't a legal issue" "go and talk to your husband again". Well it is now!

 

Do you really think this is healthy?

They didn't allow me to sleep with my child- but my mother in law was sleeping with her.

 

They didn't allow for me to be alone with my child- but even my sister in law, who makes threats to keep my child, was allowed.

 

I actually want to be this parents child. But my husband doesn't care and thinks "this is the perfect set up". I'm the only one that has been fighting this- not my husband.

[Sugarkane]

OP, I'm not terribly familiar with your story, but based on some of the threads you've started, it seems like you're filled with quite a bit on animosity.

 

Even when you got engaged to this man, your felt the urge to rub it in your ex's face. That was obviously not cathartic, since you're here a few years later thinking of tagging your ex in a Facebook post about bad boyfriends.

 

It seems like you've got a lot of unresolved anger toward this ex. Is it possible it's seeped into other areas of your life? I agree with others who say it's unusual that you're having this custody issue.

 

Wouldn't you be angry too., if you were alientated from your child?! If your in laws controlled EVERYTHING and made up lies all the time? Would you be happy if your mother in law slept with your child? Would you be happy if your in laws made up lies and you weren't allowed to be alone becuase of their controlling, narcissistic emotional abuse?

Edited September 1, 2016 by Sugarkane

[basil67]

Something many of us here can't grasp is why you keep giving her to them when there's no court order. Could you explain further why they are involved?

 

You say the police say that it's not a police matter. So, go get a court order for custody. If it's shared custody with your husband, the order must state when she is to be returned to you. If they refuse to give her back, it will very much be a police matter.

Edited September 1, 2016 by basil67

[basil67]

Sugarkane, how old are you? Do you have any history of drug or alcohol use which may be affecting their attitude? (Please be honest - we can give you better advice if we know the truth)

[Blanco]

Just based on the posts she's made over the years, there's something... a bit off about it all. There's a real "Everyone is against me" mentality to her posts, regardless of the subject. Her exes, her in-laws, her sister-in-law, therapists, hospital workers, friends. It goes on and on. I feel I read many of the OP's key threads over the last few days, and the recurring themes were:

 

1) No one in the OP's life was safe from blame

2) Nothing happening in the OP's life was ever entirely her fault

 

Having read many of her threads, I know participating in one is an exercise in futility. OP has been a member here for five years and has yet to ever have an "Ah-ha" moment. She has remained a perpetual victim who shoots down any perceivable solution to the many, many, many problems that infiltrate her life. She seems less interested in actually making a fundamental change in her life than she does making sure strangers on the internet understand just how horribly wronged she's been by pretty much anyone she's ever met.

 

Her posts omit no vibes in joy in anything. Her response, when this has been pointed out, is that she doesn't come on her to talk about the good things. On the surface, that's a valid statement, since most of us are brought here by less than enjoyable circumstances. Still, I would say that there are many people who post here regularly who do not continue to give off this aura of constant negativity about life or contempt for countless people.

 

I'm hesitant to suggest some sort of personality disorder, but after troopering through her 30-page thread about her in-laws and SIL, the pile of inconsistencies in her post at least lend some support to the idea that there is more going on here than simply someone who can't catch a break.

[Blanco]

Well my ex was a Ahole to me when he broke up with me. Yet I got ostrasized from the group?!

 

Well that was five years ago. Life must go on eventually. All of us have been wronged by people we trusted at some point. After five years, shouldn't you at least consider the possibility that carrying around the utter contempt for that betrayal is bringing negativity to your current life?

 

No one says you need to forget, but what have you gained by clutching on to that anger brought to you by that breakup?

 

Even when you got engaged, you felt inclined to rub it in this ex's face. What should have been one of the happiest moments of your life was instead overpowered by your obsession with an ex-boyfriend.

[Blanco]

Wouldn't you be angry too., if you were alientated from your child?! If your in laws controlled EVERYTHING and made up lies all the time? Would you be happy if your mother in law slept with your child? Would you be happy if your in laws made up lies and you weren't allowed to be alone becuase of their controlling, narcissistic emotional abuse?

 

I'm still not understanding how it is that you don't have primary possession of your own daughter.

 

Something doesn't add up. I know you aren't in the States, but I doubt things are so different where you are that you seriously have no legal recourse against people who are keeping your daughter from you. That is, of course, unless there are details you simply aren't giving us.

[anika99]

I'm still not understanding how it is that you don't have primary possession of your own daughter.

 

Something doesn't add up. I know you aren't in the States, but I doubt things are so different where you are that you seriously have no legal recourse against people who are keeping your daughter from you. That is, of course, unless there are details you simply aren't giving us.

 

You would need to read the OPs prior threads to get the back story. In my opinion the OP is basically a fulltime victim who takes no responsibility for whatever happens in her life. Over a year ago she was complaining about her in laws limiting her time with her child. Her and her husband had moved out and the inlaws were providing free babysitting. There was nobody forcing her to keep handing her kid over to them and many people told her to just keep her child with her. She came back with every reason under the sun for why she just had to let them have control over everything. She complains about everything you can imagine but she rejects any and all suggestions and intead talks about how there is just nothing she can do and nothing is her fault.

[anika99]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/familial/family/503293-bossy-spoilt-criticizing-sil-inlaws-26.html

 

I haven't met anyone in person who didn't agree with me. When I want to be her parents and these narcissistic sick in laws, kept her from me on purpose. They had NO COURT ORDER. I went to the police MULTIPLE TIMES and tehy said it "wasn't a legal issue" "go and talk to your husband again". Well it is now!

 

Do you really think this is healthy?

They didn't allow me to sleep with my child- but my mother in law was sleeping with her.

 

They didn't allow for me to be alone with my child- but even my sister in law, who makes threats to keep my child, was allowed.

 

I actually want to be this parents child. But my husband doesn't care and thinks "this is the perfect set up". I'm the only one that has been fighting this- not my husband.

 

You are not making any sense. You want to be this parent's child? What are you talking about? Do you mean you want to be your child's parent? Then act like a parent and go get your kid back. You were complaining about this a year ago but you just kept handing your kid back to them over and over again. They used to let you have your daughter over and so there was nothing stopping you from just keeping her and telling them to get lost. Without a legal document stating that they had legal custody there was nothing they could have done if on one of your daughter's visits you had chosen to just keep her with you and refused to let her go back to your inlaws.

 

I think the reason you are in this predicament now is because you haven't ever really wanted your child fulltime and that's why you kept letting your inlaws have her even when you knew they were taking over and limiting your time with her. Taking her away from the inlaws would have meant that you would have to be a fulltime parent and you would have to pay someone to babysit. That's how your inlaws blackmail you. They know you don't want to be saddled with your kid fulltime. You say you want your daughter but you didn't want all the responsibility and cost that goes along with that so you kept letting your inlaws take on that responsibility and now that it's gone on so long they understandably consider themselves as more her parents than you and your husband are and still you are doing nothing about it. Call a freaking lawyer and find out what steps you have to take to get your daughter back but only do so when are willing and able to accept 100% of the parenting responsibility. You can't be a part time mom.

[Sugarkane]

As in past posts long story short- lost my job and then found out I was pregnant. I was living with my controlling in laws. My mother in law is religious and extremely controlling. I didn't get to even talk about with my husband alone, before they found out. Too scared to tell my parents because they are conservative. Tried crisis pregnancy counseling, but that was slow and rubbish quality.

 

Have the child and in laws are extremely controlling. Wouldn't let me be alone with my child or alone with my parents.

 

Then my sister in law moves back in as well. She is extremely aggressive and controlling, just like her mother. Verbally abuses me daily that she thinks she should be my daughter mum. Because she has "more money"and "is therefore a better person". Also constantly yells at me that I'm doing everything wrong because she "knows better". But if I say anything my in laws tell ME to leave.

 

We move into my sister in laws apartment. My in laws lie they're going to slowly move my child back in with us. 9 MONTHS later this still hasn't happened. We move back in because we couldn't afford the place.

 

Go to several police stations- they say I can't do anything without my husband. He doesn't care. I beg and beg him to do SOMETHING. Only through the court process we find out he has Aspergers.

 

One day we had a fight and I cracked it. I called the police - they don't even me be alone with my child. Go to my parents for a week. My husband harasses me to her back to my in laws. They lie and lie, that they won't tale us to court. Biggest mistake of my life, believing them and going back there.

 

Then weeks later I get served in the mail, that they;re appling for full custody.

 

 

Now spent over a year fighting this in court. The court has COMPLETELY ignored the DAILY threats and verbal abuse.

[Sugarkane]

Also I'm pretty disgusted with the callous answers from last time, blaming the whole situation on me and that I didn't do anything to stop this.

 

I HAD SEVERAL FAMILY MEMBERS SPEAK TO MY HUSBAND. And my PARENTS AND I TRIED SEVERAL TIMES TO GET MY CHILD BACK. Not easy because my father now works at home and my mother in law stays home on Workcover.

[basil67]

Nobody blamed you last time around My Inlaws Filed for Custody..... however, I think it's fair to say that nobody was able to understand why you didn't take your daughter and leave. Or why you don't have custody. Losing custody is a legal process and nobody can take your child without good reason.

 

When you say that you've tried to get your child back numerous times, I assume you mean that you've used the family court systems. Why was your application for custody refused?

Edited June 6, 2017 by basil67

[GunslingerRoland]

I don't see why you keep calling the police. What you need to do is get a better lawyer. (I'm not sure how bad your lawyer is, but I've never heard of a child being taken away from their mom for absolutely no reason).

 

You need to document everything. Record every conversation, keep every email and text. Get everything on record, that they are keeping your daughter away from you. Because if they are trying to get custody of her in court, and they are unlawfully keeping her from you right now, that will not look good on them.

 

Also once you get a lawyer they'll give you better advice, but filing for separation from your husband might help. Because you are still legally married and your child is with him, is probably a big part of the reason the court isn't seeing the issue. Your husband has clearly said (with his actions) that he wants his family to take your child, so I think you know whose side he is on.

[anika99]

The problem in your last thread that people rightfully picked up on is that you were doing very little about the situation besides complaining here. You kept saying your in-laws were keeping your daughter but then you just kept handing her over to them. Time after time, when she was at your house, you could have just kept her and refused to let them take her but you would let her go with them all the while knowing that they were not going to bring her back for days. It really seemed like you didn't like them having her as much as they did but you also didn't like being saddled with a child full time so you decided better to let them take her rather than take 100% responsibility for her yourself.

 

As previous poster stated, it's ridiculous to keep calling the police. They don't decide these kinds of matters. Custody disputes get worked out in court, a judge has to make a decision. Looks like that's going to happen now. Hopefully you have kept records and documents so you can prove your side.

[NuevoYorko]

Since you won't divorce, move out and fight for custody of your child, you have in effect chosen this.

 

Is there a medical reason that you can't work and support yourself? I don't get why you have to be supported by your husband's family. As long as you are, they're in control.

[Sugarkane]

Don't know what to do. Can't find ANY Mothers without custody groups in this country. They're all from U.K. Or US websites. To try and fight this is need another $30,000. And yet the person who verbally abused me daily in front of my daughter, gets to live with my child. Really struggling.

[Sugarkane]

I couldn't just take her and keep her because I was out numbered by my in laws. That's why.

Nobody blamed you last time around My Inlaws Filed for Custody..... however, I think it's fair to say that nobody was able to understand why you didn't take your daughter and leave. Or why you don't have custody. Losing custody is a legal process and nobody can take your child without good reason.

 

When you say that you've tried to get your child back numerous times, I assume you mean that you've used the family court systems. Why was your application for custody refused?

[Sugarkane]

It was the complete opposite. I had to beg and plead just to see my child. And they made lie after lie about getting her back.

The problem in your last thread that people rightfully picked up on is that you were doing very little about the situation besides complaining here. You kept saying your in-laws were keeping your daughter but then you just kept handing her over to them. Time after time, when she was at your house, you could have just kept her and refused to let them take her but you would let her go with them all the while knowing that they were not going to bring her back for days. It really seemed like you didn't like them having her as much as they did but you also didn't like being saddled with a child full time so you decided better to let them take her rather than take 100% responsibility for her yourself.

 

As previous poster stated, it's ridiculous to keep calling the police. They don't decide these kinds of matters. Custody disputes get worked out in court, a judge has to make a decision. Looks like that's going to happen now. Hopefully you have kept records and documents so you can prove your side.

[Sugarkane]

Hurting so bad. Absolutely nothing has been about the domestic violence my sister in law did to me.

[Sugarkane]

Don't know how to keep going on. Just want to die.

[darkmoon]

live with your mother then, not your husband's

[basil67]

I couldn't just take her and keep her because I was out numbered by my in laws. That's why.

 

No. There is more to it than this. You either have legal custody (either full time or part time) or you don't. If you have legal custody, you can take your child and leave.

 

As you haven't done this, I can only assume the courts have found you to be an unfit mother and you don't have legal custody.

[knabe]

No. There is more to it than this. You either have legal custody (either full time or part time) or you don't. If you have legal custody, you can take your child and leave.

 

As you haven't done this, I can only assume the courts have found you to be an unfit mother and you don't have legal custody.

 

Exactly. If you just cried and wrang your hands while your in laws sought and were granted legal custody, then the fight is over, and you let them win. That is on you.

 

If you still have legal custody, then leave. Period.

[GunslingerRoland]

Don't know what to do. Can't find ANY Mothers without custody groups in this country. They're all from U.K. Or US websites. To try and fight this is need another $30,000. And yet the person who verbally abused me daily in front of my daughter, gets to live with my child. Really struggling.

 

Have you tried to talk to social services? That might be a good place to start, to see if there is any support for cheaper law help, and for help documenting the abuse?

 

Also I know courthouses in some places have days where you can get free counsel from law students.