Controlling in laws, DV marriage, should I divorce?

[hotgurl]

I feel that by being more assertive will really get them angry and cause a family freud. My sister in law will do anything to turn my in laws against me. As my mother in law already puts on act and cries when I bring this up.

 

what is more important, making sure you inlaws don't get angry or raising your own daughter?

[hotgurl]

So from reading your posts I gather you go to school durng the day, your husband works at night, you have one where you are at school late. You share a car with hubby. Your child is in daycare and you inlaws pick her up after daycare and kep her overnight.

 

So here is what you need to do.

 

1.) pick your own daughter up from daycare.

2.) tell day care the inlaws are not allowed to pick her up, yes they will be passed but who cares. Hubby could also pick her up as he is home during the day and would most likely be up by late afternoon.

3.) on your late day, hubby could pick her up and you cold hire a sitter until you get home.

4.) you daughter stays in your home with you at night. period no exceptions.

5.) you do share a car which makes it hard but since he is night shift you can juggle.

6.) tell hubby this is what you are doing and you expect his support.

 

I mean where is he is this, does he have an opinion about your inlaws raising his kid?

[turnera]

Thats the problem, I didn't give her to them. They just continued taking over! And there's always some excuse- they still want to see her, or we don't do enough activities with her.

So what?

 

Tell the daycare they are no longer allowed to pick her up. I did that with my father when his wife did something horrible to us. Easy peasy. They were blocked because I - the PARENT - said so.

 

In 15 years on forums, I have never seen any person with more excuses than you. Never.

 

Either you grow up and act like an adult or you stay in the mind of a 14 year old and continue to complain. It's your choice. I just hope your daughter doesn't grow up thinking the way you handle things is how SHE is supposed to become.

[UpwardForward]

Imo, It appears you are juggling school and a toddler, and have no means of transportation to pick her up? Therefore relying on in-laws to pick her up from daycare?

 

And so, the takeover by the in-laws. Yet you say you see your daughter daily?

[Sugarkane]

Easy for you to say. your not the one dealing with a crying, manipulative MIL by yourself.

 

 

 

 

So what?

 

Tell the daycare they are no longer allowed to pick her up. I did that with my father when his wife did something horrible to us. Easy peasy. They were blocked because I - the PARENT - said so.

 

In 15 years on forums, I have never seen any person with more excuses than you. Never.

 

Either you grow up and act like an adult or you stay in the mind of a 14 year old and continue to complain. It's your choice. I just hope your daughter doesn't grow up thinking the way you handle things is how SHE is supposed to become.

[Sugarkane]

I don't know what to do with the resentment. She still doesn't push her own daughter to have a child. And unlike her daughter, my father doesn't help me careerwise and I don't have a credit card with my parents!

[StBreton]

Hi SK

 

Sorry you're going through all of this. I'm not sure if you just need to vent and that's why you've set up this thread ... maybe as a vent and release strategy? ... but I'll just share some feelings and observations.

 

I feel for your situation as a young mother without a strong emotional support system. You're on a tough road and it might be a while till you feel strong enough to make changes in your life in how you relate to others ... especially those that trigger your anxiety or whatever it is that is being triggered...but it is something. (Has your therapist mentioned what it is that is being triggered?)

 

From what I've surmised, you have some paranoid tendencies and your in-laws are definitely triggering those tendencies. I'm sure your in-laws are not perfect/have their faults and have some issues with boundaries. However, have you thought that maybe they have your and your child's welfare at heart? Have you thought about just giving your in-laws the benefit of the doubt that they are truly trying to do their best?

 

Giving other people the benefit of the doubt is not giving THEM a gift as much as it is giving YOU a gift. Your paranoid tendencies are causing you great discomfort as evidenced by your words on this thread...you put yourself through so much pain reliving every slight that you perceive. Can you imagine how much more smoothly things can go if you can attempt to take hold of your feelings and reign them in. This is no easy feat, but awareness is the first step.

 

It seems you feel the need to respond to every insult, whether perceived or genuine. The fact of the matter is, whether or not the barbs are real, it’s beneficial to select which are worth the expended energy to retaliate. It’s an emotion-saver to conserve your energy and carefully decide which criticisms are important enough to engage. At the current time, you don't seem to be able to discern what is important and what you can let go. Why do you dwell on your SIL's trips, credit cards usage, or the vitriol that comes out of her mouth? If the girl is that much of a loose cannon, why use your good energy even thinking about her crazy business? You have a child to raise and your studies, not to mention an apartment to keep up and husband to engage with...I don't know how you find the time.

 

Have you thought about starting a gratitude journal? Can you list 3 things you are grateful for?

 

*** Please answer the questions in bold:)

[Sugarkane]

I may sound paranoid but my sister in law has lied multiple times to try and turn my in laws against me.

 

She also complains over every single thing. And my in laws ask ME to apologize to her if I hurt her feelings! Yet she has threatened to take my daughter away and takes over without even asking and NEVER ONCE has apologized.

 

Hi SK

 

Sorry you're going through all of this. I'm not sure if you just need to vent and that's why you've set up this thread ... maybe as a vent and release strategy? ... but I'll just share some feelings and observations.

 

I feel for your situation as a young mother without a strong emotional support system. You're on a tough road and it might be a while till you feel strong enough to make changes in your life in how you relate to others ... especially those that trigger your anxiety or whatever it is that is being triggered...but it is something. (Has your therapist mentioned what it is that is being triggered?)

 

From what I've surmised, you have some paranoid tendencies and your in-laws are definitely triggering those tendencies. I'm sure your in-laws are not perfect/have their faults and have some issues with boundaries. However, have you thought that maybe they have your and your child's welfare at heart? Have you thought about just giving your in-laws the benefit of the doubt that they are truly trying to do their best?

 

Giving other people the benefit of the doubt is not giving THEM a gift as much as it is giving YOU a gift. Your paranoid tendencies are causing you great discomfort as evidenced by your words on this thread...you put yourself through so much pain reliving every slight that you perceive. Can you imagine how much more smoothly things can go if you can attempt to take hold of your feelings and reign them in. This is no easy feat, but awareness is the first step.

 

It seems you feel the need to respond to every insult, whether perceived or genuine. The fact of the matter is, whether or not the barbs are real, it’s beneficial to select which are worth the expended energy to retaliate. It’s an emotion-saver to conserve your energy and carefully decide which criticisms are important enough to engage. At the current time, you don't seem to be able to discern what is important and what you can let go. Why do you dwell on your SIL's trips, credit cards usage, or the vitriol that comes out of her mouth? If the girl is that much of a loose cannon, why use your good energy even thinking about her crazy business? You have a child to raise and your studies, not to mention an apartment to keep up and husband to engage with...I don't know how you find the time.

 

Have you thought about starting a gratitude journal? Can you list 3 things you are grateful for?

 

*** Please answer the questions in bold:)

[Sugarkane]

Also how is it in my daughter's interest to tell me I can't have my child over at nights? Yet my lying, manipulative, overbearing sister in law can? Is it that I don't threaten suicide when I don't get my own way, like her?She'd be verbally abusing me, if I took her stuff without asking.

 

Hi SK

 

Sorry you're going through all of this. I'm not sure if you just need to vent and that's why you've set up this thread ... maybe as a vent and release strategy? ... but I'll just share some feelings and observations.

 

I feel for your situation as a young mother without a strong emotional support system. You're on a tough road and it might be a while till you feel strong enough to make changes in your life in how you relate to others ... especially those that trigger your anxiety or whatever it is that is being triggered...but it is something. (Has your therapist mentioned what it is that is being triggered?)

 

From what I've surmised, you have some paranoid tendencies and your in-laws are definitely triggering those tendencies. I'm sure your in-laws are not perfect/have their faults and have some issues with boundaries. However, have you thought that maybe they have your and your child's welfare at heart? Have you thought about just giving your in-laws the benefit of the doubt that they are truly trying to do their best?

 

Giving other people the benefit of the doubt is not giving THEM a gift as much as it is giving YOU a gift. Your paranoid tendencies are causing you great discomfort as evidenced by your words on this thread...you put yourself through so much pain reliving every slight that you perceive. Can you imagine how much more smoothly things can go if you can attempt to take hold of your feelings and reign them in. This is no easy feat, but awareness is the first step.

 

It seems you feel the need to respond to every insult, whether perceived or genuine. The fact of the matter is, whether or not the barbs are real, it’s beneficial to select which are worth the expended energy to retaliate. It’s an emotion-saver to conserve your energy and carefully decide which criticisms are important enough to engage. At the current time, you don't seem to be able to discern what is important and what you can let go. Why do you dwell on your SIL's trips, credit cards usage, or the vitriol that comes out of her mouth? If the girl is that much of a loose cannon, why use your good energy even thinking about her crazy business? You have a child to raise and your studies, not to mention an apartment to keep up and husband to engage with...I don't know how you find the time.

 

Have you thought about starting a gratitude journal? Can you list 3 things you are grateful for?

 

*** Please answer the questions in bold:)

[UpwardForward]

I don't know what to do with the resentment. She still doesn't push her own daughter to have a child. And unlike her daughter, my father doesn't help me careerwise and I don't have a credit card with my parents!

 

You have posted several times on this thread regarding being pushed by the in-laws to follow through with your pregnancy.

 

Then in another post you have said, your daughter is the only thing that keeps you going. So I would hope you can stay with the latter.

 

You never mentioned what your husband thinks/says regarding your dilemma with your child and the in-laws. I would hope he is an important factor in seeing to it that your child is home, and that the in-laws do not keep her unnecessarily.

 

What does he say when you tell him how the in-laws treat you?

[StBreton]

You have posted several times on this thread regarding being pushed by the in-laws to follow through with your pregnancy.

 

Then in another post you have said, your daughter is the only thing that keeps you going. So I would hope you can stay with the latter.

 

You never mentioned what your husband thinks/says regarding your dilemma with your child and the in-laws. I would hope he is an important factor in seeing to it that your child is home, and that the in-laws do not keep her unnecessarily.

 

What does he say when you tell him how the in-laws treat you?

 

SK ... A few posters have asked so please answer ... What does your husband think about your daughter being with your parents at night? Is he in on this whole arrangement? Does he feel you are able to care for you child alone?

 

I'm a mom of 2 school aged children...here are things that concern me:

 

"Such as my dad said he'd help us with getting my daughter a bed." This is a quote from an earlier post of yours. Why, after 6 months in your apartment, does your daughter not have a bed? Is it someone's responsibility to get your daughter a bed or yours? You could pick up a second hand bed since cost is a concern.

 

 

Another of your earlier quote: "We have been having money issues as the last prime minister made new laws regarding children vaccinations. They're saying I haven't vaccinated my child, when actually I have (huge system stuff up) and have DOUBLED our childcare bill, which we were already struggling to pay for."

 

"So far Centrelink have only sent me around and around in circles. Tommorrow will be the 3rd or 4 th time I'll be contacting them to fix this mess." (SO add Centrelink to the growing list of people who have wronged you then?)

 

I understand you are NOT eligible for state funded child care in Australia if your child isn’t vaccinated. I’ve had the same pediatrician for 14 years … she has all the records...I can call at anytime. What’s up with you SK? Something isn’t right? Just go get the copy of the immunization records … or were you not the person who took your daughter for immunizations? Or maybe you didn’t get the immunizations?? You always say people send you round and round in circles (or ask the same questions again and again ... another quote you've used a few times)…. maybe it’s your mind that runs in circles … and is that the reason your in-laws are anxious for you to have your daughter alone?

 

 

I understand your in-laws have their own ideas about child-rearing and they are overstepping their bounds. Perhaps though, they are doing so in the best interest of the child ... and this is done with permission from their son, your husband. Is that the reason you don't answer the question of what your husband thinks about this entire arrangement?

 

 

One last thing...if someone was keeping me from my child, I'd quit school, find a job pronto (I had my own house cleaning business in college many years ago...great $ and made my own hours so no excuses...you create your own opportunities) and I'd get my child. I'd also have ensured the immunization issue was taken care of promptly so child care wasn't jeopardized. It's interesting that your FIL, MIL, and SIL all have jobs yet you can't seem to find a job and your hubby with a Masters and CPA has job issues.

 

So now that school has been out for a week or so...do you have your daughter all the time now? And if not, why?

Edited December 1, 2015 by StBreton

[StBreton]

So you spend all this time complaining about your husbands family who are the only people who have done anything to help you, while your own family is off enjoying life with nary a concern for you or their grandchild. They didn't even leave you a working email yet you judge and criticize your in-laws who have gone above and beyond in trying to help you and your husband. I think you direct your anger and resentment at these people because you don't want to face that it's actually your own parents who have let you down.

 

I think this is key... well thought out Anika.

 

SK... please talk to your therapist about the above. Your hyper-focus/obsessive begrudging opinions/observations (perceived or genuine) of your SIL lead me to believe this is a real issue for you. You deserved love and special attention from your family of origin ... it doesn't seem like you received that unconditional love. Perhaps if you delve into this, it will release some pent up anger/hostility you have and it will help you to let go of some things with your SIL...freeing up room for as least tolerance of her and possibly for you to move on into building healthy relationships. You must forgive ... first your family then your in-laws or resentment will forever grow in your heart. Forgiveness is not meant for those who've injured us, forgiveness is meant for your own heart.

 

There are many people you will come in contact with throughout your life that will lead you to be grateful you are not in their shoes due to their whining, hostility, threatening, blaming attitudes ... one just has to move beyond people like this, remove themselves from the equation, and go make the best of things. YOU must do this. Though I have to say the 4 words I just used could easily describe you and they were meant to describe your in-laws behavior.

 

 

My advice: The first part of real growth in life is not blaming others for your problems but taking responsibility of your own life and moving forward.

Edited December 1, 2015 by StBreton

[hotgurl]

if you in laws pitch a fit you can not answer the phone, put it on silent, not answer the door.

 

YOu can do things to make this better. What does you hubby think? It is his child as well. Is he ok with the child being raised by the inlaws. When he is off of work does the child stay with you overnigth?

[UpwardForward]

The problem is I have ONE uni day that ends very late- that was the original reason.

 

And that they use the excuse that its not fair on me to be alone and deal with her, when my husband is working at night.

 

How much longer until this 'uni day' school-thing is over?

 

I would think when you are finished being a student, then the in-laws are out of reasons to keep her.

 

It should not be their call regarding you and your daughter when you are home in the evening.

[dreamingoftigers]

So what?

 

Tell the daycare they are no longer allowed to pick her up. I did that with my father when his wife did something horrible to us. Easy peasy. They were blocked because I - the PARENT - said so.

 

In 15 years on forums, I have never seen any person with more excuses than you. Never.

 

Either you grow up and act like an adult or you stay in the mind of a 14 year old and continue to complain. It's your choice. I just hope your daughter doesn't grow up thinking the way you handle things is how SHE is supposed to become.

 

Had to do this with my parents for a 3 to 4 month period because of their overstepping and my father's belligerence.

 

As well, my daughter is NEVER allowed to sleep over there as my Dad has made it very clear that he wants custody of her (NOT LEGITIMATE REASONS) regardless of how my daughter or I feel about it.

 

I am currently pregnant and he has also made it very clear that he "wants to raise my son because he had a dream about it." We don't even know the gender of the child yet....

 

Anyhow, my mother is an excellent grandparent so I don't outright restrict her, and by extension my father. Of course it causes significant tension and I keep notes on how much time she spends over at my parents to avoid my father making any kind of claim.

 

Any sign of actual movement toward custody will result in an instant withdrawal of my daughter's time over there. Period.

 

For a long while I would only allow her supervised visits (with myself) because I did not want my father telling his staff etc. that I had "left her there" or some such ridiculousness.

 

My father has caused significant difficulty before with my child so I am very careful about how this is handled. My mom doesn't deserve the fallout from it, and my daughter loves both my parents very much so I don't wish to cause her harm either.

 

Overall the tension is much lower given that it's been 4 years since anything significant happened and they KNOW I will restrict access if they push or overstep. I won't put my daughter in any unacceptable or overt risk.

 

Luckily I have many resources in friends and in my community that would have no issue stepping forth on my behalf just as they did four years ago.

 

And really, I am much better equipped to parent than my NPD father.

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't know what to do with the resentment. She still doesn't push her own daughter to have a child. And unlike her daughter, my father doesn't help me careerwise and I don't have a credit card with my parents!

 

I have no idea what this has to do with raising your own child.

 

So what your MIL doesn't pressure her daughter to have a child? That doesn't make you childless. Raise your daughter.

 

So what your father is unhelpful. Raise your daughter.

 

So what you don't have a credit card with him? (I don't knowingly know anyone that does.) Raise your daughter.

 

Whose problems are these exactly?

 

You had a child. RAISE HER. And teach her NOT TO BE MANIPULATED AND RESENTFUL.

 

Even if it means putting off your school. It's not ideal. But clearly you aren't happy anyway.

 

I have the most depressing, manipulative, passive-aggressive MIL EVER.

 

You know what I did. Moved across the country. To be completely honest, part of that was because I saw how she treated her other grandchildren. Frankly I would much rather MY SCREWED-UP parents take her out shopping every now and then, than my husband's parents have regular access to her.

 

But you know what? Much of the time, I have had any support from either and I DON'T EXPECT IT. Nobody pit a gun to my head and made me give birth. I chose that. I brought this baby here, I am bringing another one here and it is MY RESPONSIBILITY to give her my best. To raise her to be functional and able to sustain herself through healthy means.

 

What are you expecting from your in-laws?

What do you think their role should be in your life and child's life?

[dreamingoftigers]

Easy for you to say. your not the one dealing with a crying, manipulative MIL by yourself.

 

Been there. Shut it down. Multiple times.

 

NO ONE has time for that crap.

[dreamingoftigers]

Also how is it in my daughter's interest to tell me I can't have my child over at nights? Yet my lying, manipulative, overbearing sister in law can? Is it that I don't threaten suicide when I don't get my own way, like her?She'd be verbally abusing me, if I took her stuff without asking.

 

Your daughter needs you to not let her sleep over at someone's house that uses suicide threats when they don't get their way.

[whichwayisup]

You need to cut this bat crazy manipulative MIL out of your life and just don't deal with her anymore. She gets NO say in how you raise your daughter and no say in how long you live your life.

[Sugarkane]

Thats great but I DON'T have much support. Problem is because we have a TINY, TINY apartment, most of my daughters things are at my in laws.

 

 

 

Had to do this with my parents for a 3 to 4 month period because of their overstepping and my father's belligerence.

 

As well, my daughter is NEVER allowed to sleep over there as my Dad has made it very clear that he wants custody of her (NOT LEGITIMATE REASONS) regardless of how my daughter or I feel about it.

 

I am currently pregnant and he has also made it very clear that he "wants to raise my son because he had a dream about it." We don't even know the gender of the child yet....

 

Anyhow, my mother is an excellent grandparent so I don't outright restrict her, and by extension my father. Of course it causes significant tension and I keep notes on how much time she spends over at my parents to avoid my father making any kind of claim.

 

Any sign of actual movement toward custody will result in an instant withdrawal of my daughter's time over there. Period.

 

For a long while I would only allow her supervised visits (with myself) because I did not want my father telling his staff etc. that I had "left her there" or some such ridiculousness.

 

My father has caused significant difficulty before with my child so I am very careful about how this is handled. My mom doesn't deserve the fallout from it, and my daughter loves both my parents very much so I don't wish to cause her harm either.

 

Overall the tension is much lower given that it's been 4 years since anything significant happened and they KNOW I will restrict access if they push or overstep. I won't put my daughter in any unacceptable or overt risk.

 

Luckily I have many resources in friends and in my community that would have no issue stepping forth on my behalf just as they did four years ago.

 

And really, I am much better equipped to parent than my NPD father.

[Sugarkane]

Wouldn't you be resentful, if someone told you to have kid while struggling financially. While they help their daughter out careerwise and money wise, but DON'T pressure her?

 

I can't move yet. We have 6 months left on the lease. And I have another year of school.

 

 

I have no idea what this has to do with raising your own child.

 

So what your MIL doesn't pressure her daughter to have a child? That doesn't make you childless. Raise your daughter.

 

So what your father is unhelpful. Raise your daughter.

 

So what you don't have a credit card with him? (I don't knowingly know anyone that does.) Raise your daughter.

 

Whose problems are these exactly?

 

You had a child. RAISE HER. And teach her NOT TO BE MANIPULATED AND RESENTFUL.

 

Even if it means putting off your school. It's not ideal. But clearly you aren't happy anyway.

 

I have the most depressing, manipulative, passive-aggressive MIL EVER.

 

You know what I did. Moved across the country. To be completely honest, part of that was because I saw how she treated her other grandchildren. Frankly I would much rather MY SCREWED-UP parents take her out shopping every now and then, than my husband's parents have regular access to her.

 

But you know what? Much of the time, I have had any support from either and I DON'T EXPECT IT. Nobody pit a gun to my head and made me give birth. I chose that. I brought this baby here, I am bringing another one here and it is MY RESPONSIBILITY to give her my best. To raise her to be functional and able to sustain herself through healthy means.

 

What are you expecting from your in-laws?

What do you think their role should be in your life and child's life?

[Sugarkane]

My husband agrees with me, but we just in end up agrueing.

 

You have posted several times on this thread regarding being pushed by the in-laws to follow through with your pregnancy.

 

Then in another post you have said, your daughter is the only thing that keeps you going. So I would hope you can stay with the latter.

 

You never mentioned what your husband thinks/says regarding your dilemma with your child and the in-laws. I would hope he is an important factor in seeing to it that your child is home, and that the in-laws do not keep her unnecessarily.

 

What does he say when you tell him how the in-laws treat you?

[Sugarkane]

I had a legal advice appointment at school this week, but they cancelled on me. I had another counseling appointment, but they gave me a different counsellor and had to explain EVERYTHING AGAIN. Waste of time. Tried to talk to a cousins wife whos a lawyer, but she couldn't give me any advice on this subject. Tried a parenting hotline. They were useless.

[GorillaTheater]

I had a legal advice appointment at school this week, but they cancelled on me. I had another counseling appointment, but they gave me a different counsellor and had to explain EVERYTHING AGAIN. Waste of time. Tried to talk to a cousins wife whos a lawyer, but she couldn't give me any advice on this subject. Tried a parenting hotline. They were useless.

 

What's the legal angle here?

[ufo8mycat]

Wouldn't you be resentful, if someone told you to have kid while struggling financially. While they help their daughter out careerwise and money wise, but DON'T pressure her?

 

I can't move yet. We have 6 months left on the lease. And I have another year of school.

 

No. Where is there to resent? You could have, you know. Not had a child.

 

You make your choices. Own it.

 

My parents tell me to do lots of things. It doesn't logically follow that I HAVE to do them.

 

My parents give my brother a lot more financial support than me. But meh, life to far to short to be miserable and resentful.