He wants to remain friends but I feel hurt and used

[Buttercupp]

Note from moderators: @Buttercupp issue has become intertwined with this thread. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/601571-struggling-with-end-of-affair/#comments

While it's encouraging to see posters all supporting each other, LoveShack's position on threads is that each poster has their own thread to avoid confusion and to keep focus on the OP.   Ordinarily, we would split issues by another poster into a new thread, however the discussion has become so intertwined that it's impossible to do so.    Feel free to refer to the link above for context if you require it.  Thank you for understanding. 

 

I am currently trying to get over a situation I've found myself in. Its hurting me even though I know its the right thing to do to walk away and move on. I also have abandonment issues so when I was involved with this man I was getting the attention and comfort that I was missing and lacking in my life so when he now ended it. I've taken it really badly, its knocked my self esteem even more so and my abandonment issues are through the roof as I feel dreadful about everything.

He blocked me on Facebook but denies... he said he wouldn't do that but I know he has. He has kept me on other social media just not Facebook and that has hurt me even though it shouldn't.

He wants to remain friends but I also don't know why because is that not just temptation. The backstory for us is he is someone I had known from years ago then over the past 3 years he pursued me on social media and I always knocked it back or ignored it but over time I slowly gave in to his compliments which led us to meeting up and the affair happened.

Fast forward to now... he ended it due to feeling guilty. We don't even message but he used to message me daily now nothing. Now I'm blocked on certain social media. He wants to remain friends but I just feel hurt and used because I knew I shouldn't have gave into his compliments. I enjoyed his company and attention but now feel hurt used and unattractive so I have really struggled to get over this.

Could someone give me advise on what I should do or will this feeling ever go away

Edited May 25, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
add supporting history

[Lisa]

bump

[Beentheretoooften]

If you keep seeing him, the feeling will never go away.  Probably will take a long time either way. Good luck 

[torn_heart]

Hey @Buttercupp

[ ] I think he is having very conflictive thoughts on what to do. He is still afraid of telling you his feelings, because he knows you want commitment, and he can't deliver. He seems to be thinking what is the best thing to do. My advice, is the same, try to remain NC, and move on, he might decide some day to be with you, but it's a process and when he does he will do everything to do it, but don't wait. The way you describe it is that he in fact might love you, but still, it might not be enough for him to leave and even less in the short term. Believe me, having these conflictive thoughts is terrible and stressful. 

Edited May 26, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[BaileyB]

No contact is not about him, it’s about you. 

You will not start to heal or move on until you stop talking to the man. Period. 

I hope you are getting some counselling Buttercup. If you have attachment issues, you are certainly not serving yourself if you become entangled with a married man - pretty much guaranteed abandonment and heartache. Take care. 

 

[d0nnivain]

Get treatment for your abandonment issues but there is no reason to try to stay friends with an EX of any sort.  Yes you can be polite & gracious when you see each other out & about but there is no need to deliberately stay in touch.  It's better if you don't see each other's social media.  You don't need a front row seat into what you will perceive as their happy life.  If you have moved on, out of respect to your new SO, there should be separation.  

NC is the best thing for you.  Not having him in any part of your life is the fastest road to healing.  

[BaileyB]

49 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

out of respect to your new SO, there should be separation.  

Out of respect to all involved, there should be separation. This includes his wife, OP and whoever she choses to date in the future. 

[stillafool]

I'm sorry about your abandonment issues and perhaps you should seek therapy to help you.  The worst thing you could do, having those issues, is to enter an affair with a MM.  Of course at some point he is going to end it and slither back home or move on to another OW when you become too much work.  He said he wants to be friends to ease the blow but as you can see he didn't mean it and that is why he blocked you on FB.  It's over and he wants to move on.  I'm sorry he hurt you but just use this as a lesson.  I really think independent counseliing would help you to get over him and your abandonment issues as well.   

[Buttercupp]

10 hours ago, torn_heart said:

Hey @Buttercupp

[ ] I think he is having very conflictive thoughts on what to do. He is still afraid of telling you his feelings, because he knows you want commitment, and he can't deliver. He seems to be thinking what is the best thing to do. My advice, is the same, try to remain NC, and move on, he might decide some day to be with you, but it's a process and when he does he will do everything to do it, but don't wait. The way you describe it is that he in fact might love you, but still, it might not be enough for him to leave and even less in the short term. Believe me, having these conflictive thoughts is terrible and stressful. 

@torn_heart hey, thanks thankI agree I just need to do the NC and stick with it this time. As hard as it is. And as you say if he does want to be with me one day, he needs to figure that out on his own.

It's tough but I'll get through it.

 

Edited May 26, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed private discussion

[torn_heart]

Hi @Buttercupp!

How is the NC going? It's very difficult to keep.