A Question About Men and Denial of Feelings

[Kathy Ohara7]

Hi there! I am new to this forum. 

I have for eight months had a texting friendship with a man who lives very far away from me. He is in his mid-forties, and I am in my early thirties. 

But he and I had a moment in one of our first conversations, where I told him something about how beautiful I think he is, and then he responded that I "really turned him on". I wasn't born yesterday, I know what that means if you are possessing of male organs. 

The thing is though, that that wasn't really overtly sexual what I said, and so if that caused such a reaction, I know that it means that there were also romantic feelings involved with it. Enough to keep him wanting to talk to me for eight more months. 

Now he hasn't said anything even discreetly sexual since then. I think the reason may be that he knows that there is more than just sex involved for me, and possibly for him, and he doesn't want to get in too deep at this time, since he has a demanding job, and two kids, one of whom is only six. So he wants to do the right thing in his eyes. I don't think that if we did sleep together in the future that it would be wrong for that reason, at least not for me, as I would be a consenting adult, and my feelings later would be my business.

Now much of this took place when he was away on a business trip. It seems that he is back now, and things have changed. On our last conversation, he starts saying that because we have never met in real life, we are strangers, and have no real connection. And that I shouldn't expect him to have anything to do with me, even though he did keep right on talking with me for eight months. He even texted me at 7 in the morning where he was, to tell me congratulations on a new job I was starting. 

He is now saying that I shouldn't have expected him to keep responding after that one romantic moment, even though he did nothing but keep responding.

He told me I could call him by his nickname awhile ago, which surely implied there would be future conversations.

He says that he hates technology and texting, but he's texted me for four hours or so, multiple times. 

On one of our conversations, the fastest I have ever seen him respond to anything, ever, was when I said I was being abused and harrassed by customers at my job. 

But now I'm "just a random stranger", he says. One of our last conversations, it really seemed like it was almost a different person talking. And there are other things, also, that I won't go into, but let's say some of the things that he said played into things that I told him before, insecurities I have, perhaps because of a class difference. 

If you have ever seen New Girl, there was an episode where Schmidt said all kinds of nasty things to CeCe, and she figured out that he was "White Fanging" her (like a character in the book sent the dog away by yelling and being mean to him). It seems to me that men do this quite a bit when they are in denial of their feelings, they try to drive you away and make you hate them. I think that this may have been what he's doing because next time he texted me, he said that "I don't think anything negative about you, in any way, shape or form".

My question is: Is the above statement something that you say to someone who is a complete stranger that you "have no real connection" with? 

[basil67]

Sorry to hear how this went down.  My guess is that his wife found out about the two of you talking and he's making a rapid retreat.     But if I'm wrong and he's not married, all you can do now is protect yourself from more hurt.  Delete and block him on all methods he could contact you on.

[mark clemson]

He may not "know his own mind" or be changing his mind (ie, WRT towards romantic intentions towards you) or have a wife as Basil suggested. He may have found a new "love interest." Since this is all texting, much of what you get is projection and guesswork.

Assuming (and it's an assumption) he is on the up-and-up, then it's quite possible he had interest in a relationship, interprets your responses to texts as you have no or minimal interest in one with him, and so yes, is "white fanging" you (haven't heard that one before) and/or doing a "slow fade." 

It doesn't sound like you are not actually available to each other. Consider whether this whole thing has been a distraction for you from an "in-person" relationship, and so you are perhaps better off giving up the "friendship" so you don't have it interfering with one. I think that may be part of his thought process here after 8 months.

Edited May 26, 2021 by mark clemson

[d0nnivain]

13 hours ago, Kathy Ohara7 said:

I have for eight months had a texting friendship with a man who lives very far away from me. He is in his mid-forties, and I am in my early thirties. 

* * *

On our last conversation, he starts saying that because we have never met in real life, we are strangers, and have no real connection. And that I shouldn't expect him to have anything to do with me, even though he did keep right on talking with me for eight months. He even texted me at 7 in the morning where he was, to tell me congratulations on a new job I was starting. 

What a waste of 8 months.   The problem with these long term never met, OLRs is that people think they are more real than they are.  Communicating with him is something to do but it's not real & you are strangers.  You don't stop being strangers until you meet IRL. 

I have been around on LS for years & have some "friends" on here but I don't know any of them.  They aren't going to come to my aid in a crisis & I'm not going to lift a finger for them either because we don't actually know each other.  Like your guy, I don't harbor ill will toward anybody but you have to see it for what it is:  a fun virtual distraction.   You can't base your life on it.  

[Trail Blazer]

He is probably bored and frustrated that things can't progress because you're locationally challenged, so he wants to end it. 

He probably feels guilty because you have a lot of history, so he wouldn't want to just end it all on his own. 

If he can make you upset enough at him then maybe you will end it.  That's my take on the situation, but I could be way off...

 

[Gaeta]

On 5/25/2021 at 7:42 PM, Kathy Ohara7 said:

If you have ever seen New Girl, there was an episode where Schmidt said all kinds of nasty things to CeCe, and she figured out that he was "White Fanging" her (like a character in the book sent the dog away by yelling and being mean to him). It seems to me that men do this quite a bit when they are in denial of their feelings, they try to drive you away and make you hate them. I think that this may have been what he's doing because next time he texted me, he said that "I don't think anything negative about you, in any way, shape or form".

My question is: Is the above statement something that you say to someone who is a complete stranger that you "have no real connection" with? 

Nah, that's Series drama, nothing more. 

He got caught by his wife or gf, or he met somoene local. Men are simply creatures. They want you or they don't. There is rarely an in-between. He doesn't want you anymore. I am very sorry, these online romance are hard to get over but you'll be much better finding someone local.