Just need to vent

[jnr586]

I'm not sure if I'm in the right or in the wrong, but I just need a sounding board. 

I have a job that requires I periodically work overnight shifts for a week at a time (every 6 weeks or so). Last month while I was on overnights, my husband got coerced by some coworkers to meet them for drinks at the most expensive restaurant in town (two blocks from our apartment). They had been ordering bottles of wine so my agreeable husband followed suit, not knowing that each bottle was $140. When it came time to pay, his tab was nearly $200 for a spur of the moment night of drinks. He was frustrated with the bill and admitted he would have been as happy or happier to stay home and get to bed early. I was also frustrated with the bill. We discussed it and I made a conscious effort to not harp on it. 

Fast forward to this evening. I'm back at work again, and the same friends invited him to the same restaurant. He told me he was going and informed me that his friends had already ordered a $300 bottle of champagne to have during dinner. I asked him to please not spend $200 again. I'm at work and stewing over this. 

We are both agreeable guys. He's lovely and extremely laidback. I don't consider myself dominant or tightly-wound, but in our relationship I would definitely be the one who's more dominant and more tightly-wound. I'm also a few years older and don't have an issue telling people no if I don't want to do something. 

I know I shouldn't be mad. But it frustrates me that he gets peer pressured into spending large amounts of money on meals/drinks he wouldn't otherwise get- let alone at this restaurant that I'd rather that we just saved up and did something special like that together. I mean, even when we do go there, which is like once a year, we buy one of the most modest bottles on the menu and have a wonderful time. For what it's worth, I'm the breadwinner. I'd never dream of citing that in a conversation with him about it and I feel bad for even typing it. I love him and he and we are deserving of nice things, and I feel like a bad person for letting that sticking point annoy me. Mostly I'm annoyed that he's spending a lot of money simply because he has a hard time saying no. 

[BaileyB]

Do you have a joint account that you both pay into such that expenses are shared between the two of you? 

This wouldn’t be as much of an issue if your money is separate. IF he had the money, it would be his to spend (assuming that your mutual obligations are paid). That’s how it would go down in my relationship... we both put money into a joint account from which the mortgage and other household expenses are paid. We each have our own separate account for our own discretionary spending. 

While this wouldn’t be something I would do regularly, I do respect the right for my partner to have some discretionary spending. I want the same myself. That amount would obviously be determined by the couple, depending on their income and finances.

The issue here is the amount and the fact that it could be shared in a mutually beneficial way. Personally, I would be ok with this as a one off - assuming that he is spending his own money. I would be annoyed if this was a regular occurrence for my partner. Once, is a lesson learned. Twice, is a choice. 

 

Edited May 26, 2021 by BaileyB

[introverted1]

You mention that you are the breadwinner.  Is your husband a stay-at-home-dad? If not, what is the reason he does not contribute financially to your marriage?

[Crazelnut]

I'd be livid. That's a lot of money to blow! You need to have a chat with him and tell him it's an unreasonable amount and not to do that again. 

[Caauug]

On 5/26/2021 at 8:22 PM, introverted1 said:

You mention that you are the breadwinner.  Is your husband a stay-at-home-dad? If not, what is the reason he does not contribute financially to your marriage?

Not traditional. 

On 5/26/2021 at 9:20 AM, jnr586 said:

We are both agreeable guys.

OP, maybe have a talk with him and express your concerns, last thing you want is this to eat your relationship. I haven't read all your other threads but if he still can't work because of his visa he should be conserving what funds you bring in. As you know, us men can't read minds, it's time to make it clear to him money has limitations with only you bringing in funds.