Missing the OM

[Sugarkane]

My marriage has been a shot show for years.  I don’t know how to fix it. Everyday has been a screaming match. The OM is exactly my type- older, confident, highly ambitious, fit, tall. The chemistry was amazing. 

[Sugarkane]

I haven’t heard from the OM. And he basically said he was staying in his marriage for the kids.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Sugarkane said:

 he basically said he was staying in his marriage for the kids.

 They all say that.

Just get divorced if your own marriage sucks that bad.

[Sugarkane]

I am constantly reminded of the guy because he works in marketing/ advertising. His damn posters are all over town $?&!

[denwickdroylsden]

You don't say how long you were "with" him, but it sounds like a classic hit-and-run.  And perhaps your expectations for the A were unrealistic.  But yeah, good idea to work on your M (or end it) and then sort out the rest.  Good luck.

[mark clemson]

Sounds like perhaps the affair was a band aid on a bad marriage. Now you're back with just the bad marriage, perhaps time to consider more permanent solutions (of whatever kind).

If you're screaming at each other regularly, IMO there's probably no "fixing" things without a marriage counselor, and possibly not even then. Unless you're one of those couples that is just "like that" and somehow stays together (certainly not unheard of).

Ultimately staying in a marriage/relationship is a (mutual) choice.

[SRCSRC]

Do your husband a favor and divorce him.  He deserves better.

[Sugarkane]

9 hours ago, SRCSRC said:

Do your husband a favor and divorce him.  He deserves better.

My husband is no saint himself. 

[Sugarkane]

I regret not asking OM for career advice. As he works in a similar field to what I was trying to get into.

[NYAG]

On 5/26/2021 at 10:18 AM, Sugarkane said:

My marriage has been a shot show for years.  I don’t know how to fix it. Everyday has been a screaming match. The OM is exactly my type- older, confident, highly ambitious, fit, tall. The chemistry was amazing. 

Don't end your marriage because of an OM, leave because your marriage is a mess and you deserve a better life. You don't have to go from one to the other.

[Sugarkane]

Why don’t MM just leave if they’re so unhappy?

[NYAG]

2 minutes ago, Sugarkane said:

Why don’t MM just leave if they’re so unhappy?

If it were that simple, they probably would. It isn't. There are other people involved. Kids, extended families, friend groups, finances, work. Entire existences. You would be surprised how many MMs are willing to put up with an unsatisfactory or love free marriage for the sake of everyone else and not having to deal with the fall out, provided they can have that one thing that keeps them sane. Someone else. Many are conflict avoidant. I can't speak for all. I've never dated an MM who still loved his wife, or had much of a relationship with her. The guys I dated were hanging on by their finger tips to keep it all normal but never had any intention of ever leaving their partners.

[Starswillshine]

1 hour ago, Sugarkane said:

Why don’t MM just leave if they’re so unhappy?

Because they are happy married with someone on the side. That is the ideal. 

[NYAG]

40 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Because they are happy married with someone on the side. That is the ideal. 

Yep, I should have added that monogamy doesn't work for everyone.

[Xerad]

When a man is in love with a woman, he will move mountains to be with her. When a man wants only something extra, then no.

[DKT3]

5 hours ago, Sugarkane said:

Why don’t MM just leave if they’re so unhappy?

Why don't you?

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, Sugarkane said:

Why don’t MM just leave if they’re so unhappy?

I don’t know, why don’t you just leave your marriage if you are so unhappy? 

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, Sugarkane said:

Why don’t MM just leave if they’re so unhappy?

Probably because they are not unhappy.  They have everything they want at home and if they have another woman on the side to have sex with (plus sex with their wife) it keeps things stable at home as long as the wife doesn't get suspicious.

[stillafool]

On 5/26/2021 at 5:18 AM, Sugarkane said:

My marriage has been a shot show for years.  I don’t know how to fix it. Everyday has been a screaming match. The OM is exactly my type- older, confident, highly ambitious, fit, tall. The chemistry was amazing. 

His wife probably feels the same way about him and that is why she married him.  Plus he probably affords her a cushy life.

[Daisydooks]

On 6/9/2021 at 6:18 AM, Sugarkane said:

Why don’t MM just leave if they’re so unhappy?

The same reason youre still married? 

[torn_heart]

On 6/9/2021 at 5:23 AM, NYAG said:

If it were that simple, they probably would. It isn't. There are other people involved. Kids, extended families, friend groups, finances, work. Entire existences. You would be surprised how many MMs are willing to put up with an unsatisfactory or love free marriage for the sake of everyone else and not having to deal with the fall out, provided they can have that one thing that keeps them sane. Someone else. Many are conflict avoidant. I can't speak for all. I've never dated an MM who still loved his wife, or had much of a relationship with her. The guys I dated were hanging on by their finger tips to keep it all normal but never had any intention of ever leaving their partners.

Wow, this is spot on. I'm someone who avoids conflicts way too much (in my personal life, it's weird because I love dealing with these at work).

The only thing is that my relationship with my gf is not bad, it's just I feel I'm having relationship of 50 years old people in my 30s. I see myself growing old with her, but that's why my ex-OW was so exciting, but cannot see myself growing old with her. It's very weird.

My therapist said something that I think is totally true: "The only reason why  the relationship with your GF didn't fell apart before is because you entered the affair, if you haven't done it that relationship would have ended", like, I got everything I wanted, now that I'm no longer in the affair I'll have to see what happens with my relationship, but as you said, only for avoiding conflict I might stay on it.

I think that for all OW, if you want things to change, whatever direction you want, it's the same answer: Leave. It's gonna hurt like hell, but if you want a relationship with your MM, leaving would let him see how his formal relationship is and if he misses you he will end it. If he doesn't then at least you are not wasting time anymore.

[Wiseman2]

On 6/9/2021 at 6:18 AM, Sugarkane said:

Why don’t MM just leave if they’re so unhappy?

They're not unhappy. That's the "wife doesn't understand me" routine.

You on the other hand are unhappy and this was a distraction or as others mentioned a bandaid.

Kind of strange on your part though. It's like treating cancer with lollipops.

[pepperbird2]

On 6/9/2021 at 9:26 AM, NYAG said:

Yep, I should have added that monogamy doesn't work for everyone.

Then I have an idea. It's so crazy that it just might work.

If monogamy doesn't work for an individual, then how about they let their relationship partners in on that piece of information. Hiding it is just selfish.

[mark clemson]

9 hours ago, torn_heart said:

The only thing is that my relationship with my gf is not bad, it's just I feel I'm having relationship of 50 years old people in my 30s. I see myself growing old with her, but that's why my ex-OW was so exciting, but cannot see myself growing old with her. It's very weird.

It sounds to me like you have "familial"/stable base LTR love for your GF (with the associated lower level of romantic "energy" for lack of a better term). You felt/had the excitement of "new relationship energy" with the OW. Unfortunately most if not nearly all people can't have both at the same time, which is one reason why affairs are so common.

Biologically, most (not all) people seem to be designed for serial monogamy, not lifetime monogamy. (One can of course overcome these tendencies by force of will.)

Divorcing (or breaking up in your case) is more honest, but then you (and your partner) lose their "stable base" emotionally as well as other life disruptions such as moving out, changes to your social circle, impact on any children, etc, etc.

Open relationships/marriages might seem to be a solution (and perhaps are for some folks) but apparently TEND to be destructive for most who try that approach.

There's really no perfect solution, which may be exactly the "bind" that our evolution has put us in, as it hedges the bets between successfully raising offspring and spreading the genes around for additional offspring and increased genetic diversity. That's not intended as an excuse, just a statement of fact.

[torn_heart]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

It sounds to me like you have "familial"/stable base LTR love for your GF (with the associated lower level of romantic "energy" for lack of a better term). You felt/had the excitement of "new relationship energy" with the OW. Unfortunately most if not nearly all people can't have both at the same time, which is one reason why affairs are so common.

Biologically, most (not all) people seem to be designed for serial monogamy, not lifetime monogamy. (One can of course overcome these tendencies by force of will.)

Divorcing (or breaking up in your case) is more honest, but then you (and your partner) lose their "stable base" emotionally as well as other life disruptions such as moving out, changes to your social circle, impact on any children, etc, etc.

Open relationships/marriages might seem to be a solution (and perhaps are for some folks) but apparently TEND to be destructive for most who try that approach.

There's really no perfect solution, which may be exactly the "bind" that our evolution has put us in, as it hedges the bets between successfully raising offspring and spreading the genes around for additional offspring and increased genetic diversity. That's not intended as an excuse, just a statement of fact.

Are you a psychologist?

You came to the same conclusion as my therapist the day I started.