Missing the OM

[mark clemson]

No, but I'll take that as a complement 😄, so thank you.

[NYAG]

On 6/11/2021 at 4:24 PM, pepperbird2 said:

Then I have an idea. It's so crazy that it just might work.

If monogamy doesn't work for an individual, then how about they let their relationship partners in on that piece of information. Hiding it is just selfish.

I've done that in the majority of my recent relationships. It worked fine from my POV but they were always short things anyway.

[colingrant]

Muster up the courage to leave the unhappy marriage. Not because of your AP but because you are unhappy. If you are more unhappy because of comparing your AP against your husband then AP will win every f'n time. It's not close and that's what's messing you up. Just like new cars make your present car look 2nd rate, so does the man who's available. None of this means anything to you now though because logic and the AP energy also distorts reasoning. Leave your husband and find the happiness you're looking for. 

[pepperbird2]

On 6/18/2021 at 6:02 AM, NYAG said:

I've done that in the majority of my recent relationships. It worked fine from my POV but they were always short things anyway.

I really wish more people would do this.

[Indigo Night]

On 6/9/2021 at 3:18 AM, Sugarkane said:

Why don’t MM just leave if they’re so unhappy?

Because they aren't that unhappy, but it's a great lie to get sympathy from other women. It worked on you didn't it?

Edited June 30, 2021 by Indigo Night

[torn_heart]

3 hours ago, Indigo Night said:

Because they aren't that unhappy, but it's a great lie to get sympathy from other women. It worked on you didn't it?

Yes and no.

It seems a lot of these relationships are being sustained because of the affair, if the MM/MW stays in the marriage and doesn't cheat, then the final outcome would be to solve the issues or divorce. The affair let's the MM/MW have it all, they cover all their needs with either woman, one fullfills certain aspects and the other one fullfills the others. (At least that's what my therapist has told me, that my relationship lasted so long because of my affair, and I believe it to be true)

That's why deciding to leave their parter of the AP is not an easy one. 

[NYAG]

7 hours ago, Indigo Night said:

Because they aren't that unhappy, but it's a great lie to get sympathy from other women. It worked on you didn't it?

And others will admit they are not that unhappy but need to fill in some gaps.

[pepperbird2]

8 hours ago, torn_heart said:

Yes and no.

It seems a lot of these relationships are being sustained because of the affair, if the MM/MW stays in the marriage and doesn't cheat, then the final outcome would be to solve the issues or divorce. The affair let's the MM/MW have it all, they cover all their needs with either woman, one fullfills certain aspects and the other one fullfills the others. (At least that's what my therapist has told me, that my relationship lasted so long because of my affair, and I believe it to be true)

That's why deciding to leave their parter of the AP is not an easy one. 

So what it comes down to is a MW/MM using two people ( or more) to get their needs met? In my book, psychological basis or not, that is incredibly selfish behaviour.

In effect, you used your long term girlfriend for comfort, stability and a soft place to land. You used your ow for "drama".  You felt comfortable doing so ( otherwise, you wouldn't have done it for so long) . I hope your therapist addresses your sense of entitlement to do this. Why do you feel you had any right whatsoever to treat two women this way.

[torn_heart]

1 hour ago, pepperbird2 said:

So what it comes down to is a MW/MM using two people ( or more) to get their needs met? In my book, psychological basis or not, that is incredibly selfish behaviour.

In effect, you used your long term girlfriend for comfort, stability and a soft place to land. You used your ow for "drama".  You felt comfortable doing so ( otherwise, you wouldn't have done it for so long) . I hope your therapist addresses your sense of entitlement to do this. Why do you feel you had any right whatsoever to treat two women this way.

You are right about my GF, my OW wasn't for drama (that came after we finished it). Before the end I didn't feel "comfortable" doing so, I had a lot of anxiety, living the double life was really taking a toll. And whatever I do with my therapist is to get better.

[Camper]

On 6/9/2021 at 6:23 AM, NYAG said:

If it were that simple, they probably would. It isn't. There are other people involved. Kids, extended families, friend groups, finances, work. Entire existences. You would be surprised how many MMs are willing to put up with an unsatisfactory or love free marriage for the sake of everyone else and not having to deal with the fall out, provided they can have that one thing that keeps them sane. Someone else. Many are conflict avoidant. I can't speak for all. I've never dated an MM who still loved his wife, or had much of a relationship with her. The guys I dated were hanging on by their finger tips to keep it all normal but never had any intention of ever leaving their partners.

Fixed it for you.

You would be surprised how many MMs and MWs are willing to rewrite the history of their marriage for the sake of having a side piece that gives them the excitement of "new love." Someone else. Many are conflict avoidant. I can't speak for all. I've never dated an MM who said he still loved his wife, or said he had much of a relationship with her. The guys I dated were pretending to hang on by their finger tips to make everything look all normal but were experts at compartmentalizing their double lives for their own selfish enjoyment and never had any intention of ever leaving their partners.

[stillafool]

On 6/9/2021 at 6:18 AM, Sugarkane said:

Why don’t MM just leave if they’re so unhappy?

I guess he could ask the same about you.  Why haven't you left?

[NYAG]

9 hours ago, Camper said:

Fixed it for you.

You would be surprised how many MMs and MWs are willing to rewrite the history of their marriage for the sake of having a side piece that gives them the excitement of "new love." Someone else. Many are conflict avoidant. I can't speak for all. I've never dated an MM who said he still loved his wife, or said he had much of a relationship with her. The guys I dated were pretending to hang on by their finger tips to make everything look all normal but were experts at compartmentalizing their double lives for their own selfish enjoyment and never had any intention of ever leaving their partners.

I have experience of both sides. I try to stay open minded and I don't like to label everyone the same. People are people on both sides of the infidelity situation.