It's been three months, and I still miss my ex girlfriend.

[srt92]

I’m 27, and she’s 25. We was together for 11 months. We broke up at the end of this past February.

 To cut to the chase, the main cause of us breaking up was that she had a long time guy friend that she always wanted to hangout with. I was uncomfortable with it, because she wanted to hangout with him alone at bars, lounges, and even told me that she was going to fly out to see him, and spend a night at his place to catch up on old times. This was when we were just friends at the time, but we were intimate at the same time...and this guy friend situation got worse when we became official. Quite odd.

The reason I hurt so much behind this because I was a recovering alcoholic when I met her. At this time the months flew by fast. I did a whole a whole 180 with my life in 7 months. Got clean, found a good paying job and was on a good path. She was there the whole time during my transition..and by then I had developed strong feelings for her. She’s a great person, we had awesome times together. We were best friends, and I always made her laugh hysterically and we always horseplay, we would go out every weekend, the whole 9 yards. There was never a dull moment between us. 
 

But to wrap this up, she had a lot going on besides me. And I found out all about it when I went through her iPad. I know, I SHOULDNT HAVE DONE THIS, but within my 28yrs of living something in my stomach just kept screaming to me that something was going on..

Unfortunately, she talked bad about me to all of her friends and family. Said bad things about me. She told her guy friend (the one she told me to never worry about) about all of our relationship problems. She was still even checking in with a guy she had a crush on years ago. She thought I was a “slow individual” which I’m not. I’m a very humble industrious clean cut guy. I’m really intelligent, and been through many hardships as a child. I’ve been taught A lot of wisdom from my parents. Yes I’ve made the wrong choices, but I had no ill intentions towards her this entire time. Anyways when I seen all those messages it was so heartbreaking I cried many times behind all the foul things she said about me. I confronted her and about it, and she apologized many times behind this..meaning she’s done this more than once..in fact she was doing this the entire time we were together. And I was so confused.

All the arguing, fighting, and her hurting my feelings cause me to relapse back into alcoholism again. A couple months after we had broken up, I had a seizure behind withdrawals. So again, I’ve been clean for a month and 2 weeks now. I’ve been taking care of myself, redirected my finances for a new apartment to move into, got a raise on my job, and joined a gym last week. I’ve dedicated a intense workout for every other day. Don’t get me wrong I’m still doing my everyday life, I still hang out with friends and family, and still live normal life. I just still miss her, and all of this just made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for her, knowing that her friends and family were waiting for us to break apart. I just don’t understand why throw something so good we had together away. I truly do miss being around her and so forth. Do I want to get back with her? Yes, but no. It just won’t be the same, and honestly in my opinion we broke up over someone guy that she clearly had feelings for. I walk around like a normal motivated individual..but be assured I am a heartbroken guy. I’m just waiting on time to go by already so the feelings can subside a little for me. I think I need to take 2-4 years from getting into another relationship. What do you guys think? Because honestly I don’t even want to be in a relationship anymore. This is my 5th heartbreak in the last 7 years. It’s like dating to me doesn’t even sound fun anymore.

 

As of now, I just want to continue progress in my career, workout more, and achieve other things in life. I’m really convinced if I had a corvette, I’d be more happy alone with that than to be stressed out and I’m my car wailing my eyes out behind a woman at this point. I just dont have the energy to tolerate this type of things anymore. 

 

 

Edited May 27, 2021 by srt92
Additional information

[glows]

Good. And you shouldn't (tolerate "this type of things anymore"). You're sad and down and it's natural right now after discovering how deceiving your partner was. Take your time out and don't be ashamed of it. Never let anyone shame you for doing what you have to do for yourself and bringing yourself to a much better place. Consider her out of your life permanently a dodged bullet.

Your biggest priority right now is staying sober and maintaining your financial independence. Keep staying sober and paying your bills. This break up will take care of itself and you will heal. Give yourself time.

[Alfano]

It's extremely likely she was banging the other guy.

The inappropriate violation of typical relationship boundaries would have been enough for me to pull the plug.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, srt92 said:

I just don’t understand why throw something so good we had together away.

The painful truth is that it wasn't as good for her as it was for you. That's how she can walk away from it - she wasn't invested the same way. 

That doesn't mean you're somehow deficient, but she's clearly always had another guy on her radar. So while you were thinking that you two were enjoying a blossoming relaitonship, she had him in the back of her mind. She wasn't fully present in the relationship that way you were. 

It hurts but I don't think this had legs to last. In the future, heed the red flags (ie, another guy) when you see them. Don't overlook them and don't ignore the voice in your gut telling you that something is off. 

[d0nnivain]

This was not the healthiest relationship for you.  Sounds like she did not have much respect for you & that you were far more enamored of her than she was of you.  

Congratulations on getting sober again.  Do take the full year recommended by AA before trying to fall in love again. When you are upset call your sponsor.  Hang in there.  

You have a lot to offer someone.  You just need to be patient to find the person who deserves you. 

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, srt92 said:

relapse back into alcoholism again.  I had a seizure behind withdrawals.  I’ve been clean for a month and 2 weeks now.

Sounds like you need in patient treatment for detox/rehab. You need to stay sober, not a corvette. You'll meet higher quality women when you clean up your act.

Edited May 27, 2021 by Wiseman2

[srt92]

On 5/26/2021 at 7:58 PM, glows said:

Good. And you shouldn't (tolerate "this type of things anymore"). You're sad and down and it's natural right now after discovering how deceiving your partner was. Take your time out and don't be ashamed of it. Never let anyone shame you for doing what you have to do for yourself and bringing yourself to a much better place. Consider her out of your life permanently a dodged bullet.

Your biggest priority right now is staying sober and maintaining your financial independence. Keep staying sober and paying your bills. This break up will take care of itself and you will heal. Give yourself time.

I hear you. It’s just I truly still miss her. Again, I’m not crying or anything. She’s just constantly on my mind and I can’t just seem to shake her off my mind. I think what’s really making me feel this is way, is that I’m currently staying directly across the street from the apartments me and her used to stay in. That whole area, the backstreets, all the stores and everything we have been to together as a couple, and everyday I drive to work I have to see these things and be reminded of her. What’s even worse is that she stays In these new apartments that we both moved in (another place we moved into right before the break up) that’s only 5 minutes away from my job. All the good memories I have is just making me brittle. Even the bad ones that we had together, i thinks about that a lot as well but it still doesn’t erase the fact that I still miss her. And what makes this even harder is that we have NOT spoken since the day of the break up. She hasn’t contacted me, and I have NOT to have contacted her at all. So my mind is racing to these pitiful fantasies of maybe if she still thinks about me, or if she wonders what I’m doing type deal. I know for a fact she isn’t. And I just remind myself that and keep doing what I do. Workout, go to work, and mess/sleep with other women (which I’m doing now) . It’s all I can do, that’s what’s been making the break up not so hard honestly. But again, I just can’t get her off my mind I still have feelings for her at the end of the day.

Edited May 28, 2021 by srt92

[Highndry]

It will fade. 3 months is not a tremendously long time in the grand scheme of things. In another 3 months you'll feel much better. She was not a good woman. No partner talks bad about their love interest, they defend them and stand up for them. She sounds like a piece of trash, to be honest.

[srt92]

20 hours ago, Highndry said:

It will fade. 3 months is not a tremendously long time in the grand scheme of things. In another 3 months you'll feel much better. She was not a good woman. No partner talks bad about their love interest, they defend them and stand up for them. She sounds like a piece of trash, to be honest.

It just doesn’t make any sense honestly. We traveled together, made plans for the future all kinds of things. She has really helped me out a lot when I was in sticky situations. I’m still kind of hurt behind those things what she said about me, and the fact that she let this guy friend come in between us. What’s odd is that her guy friend has a girlfriend, I actually met him in person at a house party we all went to. It was quite embarrassing for me because one her friends came up and pointed out that “those two are really close”. I’m at the stage to where everyday it just gets tougher and tougher like I just feel so embarrassed for getting with this woman. I haven’t contacted her, Checked her social media or nothing since the break up and my mind just keeps wandering about her. I just don’t understand why she hasn’t contacted me or anything...and how she could just be so numb to the situation. I haven’t contacted her either but I damn sure thinks about her 24/7 this is a hard thing to shake even though I’m doing great at my Job, staying so we, and been hitting the gym. Like for example today is Friday evening. I know she’s having a blast right now, while I’m just here laying in the bed trying to rest up for tomorrow mornings workout. Plus, this has effected my self esteem. She’s a “diva” from California that came down to Houston Texas to graduate at prairie view. We’re 3 yrs apart. She has a s*** ton of friends and a lot of support. Me on the other half only have myself, my mom and my brother. We all depend on eachother. Kinda makes me feel alone looking at how much support she’s getting, when I’m trying to battle my own wars within myself, plus this break up. I’m almost 30 I’m getting too old for this non sense..tired of being someone’s lesson.

[srt92]

On 5/27/2021 at 9:50 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Sounds like you need in patient treatment for detox/rehab. You need to stay sober, not a corvette. You'll meet higher quality women when you clean up your act.

I disagree. I just need to stop putting my “all” into a woman. I recently discovered that breakups are my downfall for some reason. every time I go through a break up, I just never take it well. My friend suggested a 2 year break from serious relationships. I even have a woman that’s been wanting to get with me even before I got with my ex, but honestly at this point I just don’t want to date anymore. Sick of getting into deep relationships, meeting families, traveling, and having good times  all to just be wasted by a stupid trivial tic for tac situation. This has got to stop...honestly how on earth does marriage even work? seriously....

[srt92]

On 5/27/2021 at 5:44 AM, d0nnivain said:

This was not the healthiest relationship for you.  Sounds like she did not have much respect for you & that you were far more enamored of her than she was of you.  

Congratulations on getting sober again.  Do take the full year recommended by AA before trying to fall in love again. When you are upset call your sponsor.  Hang in there.  

You have a lot to offer someone.  You just need to be patient to find the person who deserves you. 

“This was not the healthiest relationship for you.  Sounds like she did not have much respect for you & that you were far more enamored of her than she was of you”

 And that’s what I’m still upset about...I let it slide too many times with her. Not because I was weak and was afraid she would leave.. but I was blind to the fact that she used manipulative tactics to excuse her shitty behavior towards me. Her excuses was “you’re my first serious boyfriend, I apologize please be patient with me” she would say those things when she realize she was pushing me away. Another example, when it was just me and her, We understood eachother quite well, and things were quiet. But When it came to her and her friends, she’s like a whole different person. It’s like she’s trying to act and stunt like a hard core woman like she had me in “check” or something.. and talk s*** about me to her miserable single friends everytime we got into it. And that used to always cause us to get into heated arguments and fights. I’ve expressed multiple times how f***ed she was for her juvenile behavior...but at the end of the day it was all about what she wanted. She wanted everything to go her way..I tried telling her many times relationships and the world doesn’t spin that way..but as she quoted to her friends “she was the prize” 

 

see my point here? If that makes any sense

[srt92]

On 5/27/2021 at 1:20 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

The painful truth is that it wasn't as good for her as it was for you. That's how she can walk away from it - she wasn't invested the same way. 

That doesn't mean you're somehow deficient, but she's clearly always had another guy on her radar. So while you were thinking that you two were enjoying a blossoming relaitonship, she had him in the back of her mind. She wasn't fully present in the relationship that way you were. 

It hurts but I don't think this had legs to last. In the future, heed the red flags (ie, another guy) when you see them. Don't overlook them and don't ignore the voice in your gut telling you that something is off. 

“That's how she can walk away from it - she wasn't invested the same way.”

She was. We went to couples counseling, we both listened to other people’s perspective about our situation together, we travelled, she has helped me mentally, We both spent time with each other’s parents, met all of eachother friends, went out with each others friends, me and her dad became god friends, the list just goes on and on. 
 

“she had him in the back of her mind. She wasn't fully present in the relationship that way you were. ” 

It was a weirdo type thing. This guy friend of hers (yes the same guy that she wanted to spend a night with) had a girlfriend that she had met with her before, and his girlfriend is fully aware that they are close friends. I met this guy at a house party. It was awkward as hell. She suddenly expected me to somehow become friends with this guy and somehow trust him..which again is just quite weird.

Another weird thing was that in the early stages of us being official, one day she got really upset at me because she saw my female friend kept texting me. Like she would see it on my phone...so I basically shut out my female friend completely just to make her happy, while she kept FaceTiming and talking with her guy friends. So at this point, that’s when s*** started to go to hell. Fast forwarding to the end of the relationship What actually ended up happening was that with all the continuous red flags being slapped in my face I had saw some old explicit content that was shared between her and some other guy friend (that she lied and told me not to worry about) guy friend which broke my heart to pieces...so with me being intoxicated as usual I ended up cheating on her with my female friend. Did she know at the time? No...does she know now? Well she probably has that figured out by now. 
Do I feel bad for cheating on her? No. >>>>>>Do I wish all this didn’t have to happen and we could still be together? Yes. 

with that those two questions above, I’m just on a confused roller coaster 

Edited May 29, 2021 by srt92

[maggiemtn]

This is a very familiar situation to me, and I’m sorry you’re going through it. A bit of advice: 

Congratulations on your sobriety! As I’m sure you know, though, 7 months is not that long when it comes to dealing with emotions. I was sober 2.5 years when my ex and I broke up and  it was still really difficult, but I was sober long enough that I was able to fight off the urge to drown my sorrows. I also agree with the post above that said you may need in patient treatment. There’s a lot you can learn there that will help you better yourself and stay sober. 
 

Secondly, it just sounds like you made her your whole world. That’s why it’s taking you a while to get over the breakup. Find new friends and hobbies and have your OWN life before you get together with someone else. Otherwise this cycle will repeat. 
 

I’m six months out of my breakup, and it gets better. Focus on yourself and your sobriety. You will get through this.