gravelandgrit Posted May 27, 2021 Share Posted May 27, 2021 Ok i try to keep the story short. My wife and I are married since 5 years and are in a relationship since 10 years. She is 5 years older than me and therefore had more sexual partners before we got together. In short I was inexperienced before we met. She also had a relationship with one of my best friends before. Up to this, no big deal. But. Some weeks go I found out that she slept with one other of my best friends too. She told me after I was asking. She also had strong feelings for him over a long time and never told me in all those years. We were on vacation together, he was on my wedding, etc, etc. The feeling that I were in those situations without knowing it and the fact that my wife and my friend had this information in all of the events destroys me. Also there were many situations in which we talked many evenings together with my friends about the night in which they had sex. Again, the problem is not her past. The problem is the fact that I feel betrayed and my Wife kept the secret from me. Beyond this case I still love her. Do I overreact in this case? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 27, 2021 Share Posted May 27, 2021 (edited) Yes & no. In the moment this was shocking & upsetting news. You feel betrayed because they had this secret all these years. Step back. Lick your wounds. Try to remember that she married you. She loves you. If she has been a faithful wife these past 5 years, focus on that, especially if she was also a good FI & a good GF. Their past relationship more than a decade ago was water under the bridge. They are over it & you need to find a way pat it. When you calm down find out if there are more secret bombs out there> Maybe get some MC so you can find your way back. If your buddy, her former paramour, is a good friend, maybe he'll give you one clean shot -- you punch in him the face with his permission & promise not to fight back but you only get the 1 punch -- & then you all get past this & move on. I am not advocating violence but you two wouldn't be the 1st men or the last who settled a beef this way. Edited May 27, 2021 by d0nnivain Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted May 27, 2021 Share Posted May 27, 2021 31 minutes ago, kiesandschotter said: She is 5 years older than me and therefore had more sexual partners before we got together. In short I was inexperienced before we met. It seems you are jealous of your wife for having "sowed more wild oats" than you... How is it her fault you are inexperienced and didn't have more sexual partners/experiences (prior to marriage). It has little to do with age, one can have a few sexual partners in a 5 year period or one or none. We all have a past. Some of us had a lot of past sexual partners, some a few and some had none prior to meeting their spouse/significant other. I think your issue has less to do with one of her past lovers being a friend of yours and more to do with the fact that she was social and dated/slept with more people than you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 27, 2021 Share Posted May 27, 2021 57 minutes ago, gravelandgrit said: Some weeks go I found out that she slept with one other of my best friends too. She told me after I was asking. How long ago was this? Why are you grilling her about past sexual partners? Link to post Share on other sites
Author gravelandgrit Posted May 30, 2021 Author Share Posted May 30, 2021 Thx for the answers. Jealous? Maybe, but i am pretty sure that this is not the main problem. In 10 years I was never jealous. We discussed previous partners when we knew it will be seroius between us. It is more a topic of honesty and trust. It is her past and that is good how it is. But when it comes to sexual and emotional past in your innerst friend circle I think there is a need of being honest. It would not matter if "the missing one" is a person "out of scope". But having regularly (weekly) contact makes it very hard to forget. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 30, 2021 Share Posted May 30, 2021 On 5/27/2021 at 1:06 PM, gravelandgrit said: . She told me after I was asking. Why were you asking? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted May 30, 2021 Share Posted May 30, 2021 Many here will try to convince you that this is an issue with you, they will try to guilt and shame you into simply accepting this and if you don't/can't then your wrong. Your wife and friend withheld information that would have likely changed the trajectory of the relationship or even your desire to be in the relationship at all. Truth is your wife knew this, thats why she never told you. You are not overreacting, this is not a minor issue that you can just "step back" and say oh its ok that she wasn't honest with you for a decade no big deal. The problem is when you find out something that you should have been told, it makes you question the entire relationship. Don't allow anyone here to invalidate your feelings because they will try..and already have been. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
dramafreezone Posted May 30, 2021 Share Posted May 30, 2021 (edited) On 5/27/2021 at 5:06 AM, gravelandgrit said: But. Some weeks go I found out that she slept with one other of my best friends too. She told me after I was asking This is why you don't ask about past sexual partners. Absolutely no upside to the discussion. She kept it from you because it's irrelevant. Quote It is more a topic of honesty and trust. It is her past and that is good how it is. But when it comes to sexual and emotional past in your innerst friend circle I think there is a need of being honest. Why? She's with you, that's all that matters. If she wanted to be with the other guy she would be purusing that. There's stuff that all of us keep hidden. If honesty is so important to you, tell her every deep secret that you don't want anyone to know. Set the example. Edited May 30, 2021 by dramafreezone Link to post Share on other sites
HappilyMarried Posted May 31, 2021 Share Posted May 31, 2021 Hello @gravelandgrita couple of questions that may help people better understand your situation. How did you find out about this other or 2nd close friend she slept with? When did this occur? I assume it was before you were actually married, but was it between the 5 years of marriage and the 10 years you have been in a relationship, or was it before the start of your relationship? I personally think the time that it occurred is important. Lastly, did she tell you or did you find out some other way? If it was someone else what is her reason for not telling you? I think you need to sit your wife down for a serious conversation to let her know exactly how you feel and why it is bothering you. Also find out how she feels about the whole issue and if your now being together is bothering you. You guys just need to be totally open with each other about feelings about this situation. Best of luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gravelandgrit Posted May 31, 2021 Author Share Posted May 31, 2021 2 hours ago, HappilyMarried said: Hello @gravelandgrita couple of questions that may help people better understand your situation. How did you find out about this other or 2nd close friend she slept with? When did this occur? I assume it was before you were actually married, but was it between the 5 years of marriage and the 10 years you have been in a relationship, or was it before the start of your relationship? I personally think the time that it occurred is important. Lastly, did she tell you or did you find out some other way? If it was someone else what is her reason for not telling you? Correct, it was more than 4 years after wedding when I found a photo of him between books (without seeking after anything) when moving into a new house. We then started a normal conversation about it in which she said, there was nothing. After 3 days she came back and said there is a sexual past. Call me outmoded, but until that and most important when I asked her for marriage I was 100% sure that there is no such important detail (also as i said, I never had a problem with any of her past relationships which I was aware of before). To know now that I made all the decisions with misinformation hinders me from believing her in any case. Hope that gets better with time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted May 31, 2021 Share Posted May 31, 2021 (edited) My biggest problem would be if she still has feelings for your friend. Who broke off the relationship? There have been several occurrences where the one that was broken up with try’s to rekindle what they had later in life. Yes, your relationship is built on nothing but this lie. Lying to one’s partner only destroys trust. One other thought, why did she lie about it? She told you about the others, why not your close friend? Is it because she still has feelings for him? Is it because they have done things after the two of you started dating? Edited May 31, 2021 by usa1ah 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Beentheretoooften Posted June 1, 2021 Share Posted June 1, 2021 On 5/30/2021 at 3:12 PM, DKT3 said: Many here will try to convince you that this is an issue with you, they will try to guilt and shame you into simply accepting this and if you don't/can't then your wrong. Your wife and friend withheld information that would have likely changed the trajectory of the relationship or even your desire to be in the relationship at all. Truth is your wife knew this, thats why she never told you. You are not overreacting, this is not a minor issue that you can just "step back" and say oh its ok that she wasn't honest with you for a decade no big deal. The problem is when you find out something that you should have been told, it makes you question the entire relationship. Don't allow anyone here to invalidate your feelings because they will try..and already have been. I couldn’t agree more with this. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gravelandgrit Posted June 1, 2021 Author Share Posted June 1, 2021 Many thanks for your answers. This helps me a lot to be honest. I thought about why she withheld this information and came to the following conclusion: 1) She was afraid that this affects our relationship. Which is in general not bad, but this robbed my option to react and to decide what I want to do with this information. 2) She decided to choose to stay with her friends instead of being honest to her man because she didn't want to break up friendship in case if I would have reacted like i do now. 3) Maybe she still has feelings for him. I think this is not the case but because she was able to keep this secret for so long I am also not 100% sure. But I am pretty sure that the feelings where there when we started to date. The bottom line is, that every action which I could set (break up relationship -> we have 2 childs, break up with friends) makes it likely worse. So i think I have to live with it for now. Does this make sense? My other question is: As my friend does not know that I know it and we meet regulary (e.g. tomorrow), how should i deal with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted June 1, 2021 Share Posted June 1, 2021 A wise man once said... "Don't ask questions you really don't want to know the answer to." If she isn't cheating on you... and this is all in the past... then yes... you are 100% over reacting. And... guys don't want to know about their FG or W ex lovers... so why would you go down that hole? If you find out she is currently cheating with this guy... then be upset. If she isn't... then drop it, and stop asking those kinds of questions. Link to post Share on other sites
IslandSanctuary Posted June 1, 2021 Share Posted June 1, 2021 (edited) I wouldn't be comfortable with my wife being friends with someone she once had sex with and had feelings for, and she wouldn't be comfortable with the reverse. We've left nightclubbing, drinking and extensive social lives in the distant past - our very early twenties. I was asked the other day what I thought made someone a 'loser'. My answer was basically the opposite of what I thought as a young man 'Sex, drugs and rock n roll'. Lots of 'friends' and attention seeking behaviour. If it were me I'd start hanging out with ex gfs, and if that wasn't an option I'd just make new female 'friends' and hang out with them. If she had a problem just call her 'controlling' and 'prehistoric' 'childish' then after a few weeks of this keep withdrawing, then dump her. Some people are ok with hanging out with exes, some people are ok with lies - I'm not. You can all do what you want, but so can I. Just like a woman finds a bald fat sweaty old man unattractive, I find a woman with male friends and male exes hanging around her unattractive. Her knowing this for years and not telling you, when you hang out with this guy is a huge red flag. I'd feel hurt and betrayed. What if for some reason something came up and you left them alone together not knowing they used to bang? Wouldn't fly with me, not at all. Plenty of intelligent decent fish in the sea, I'd be happier alone. The replies telling you to get over this make me laugh. Glad I'm not friends with any of you. It's called self respect. Edited June 1, 2021 by IslandSanctuary 2 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted June 2, 2021 Share Posted June 2, 2021 I would be upset with lies, or intentional omissions of fact such as this. However, I otherwise do not care about my wife being friends with ex-lovers, and she is comfortable with my friends who are exes. In most cases, our (worthwhile) exes have become our friends. Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted June 2, 2021 Share Posted June 2, 2021 (edited) It comes down to whether you can believe her on issues in the marriage. It is not who she slept with or her sexual past. It is all about TRUST. I realize that she may not want to give a blow by blow of her sexual past, but I think as a minimum, who she was lovers with, and who she slept with in your circle of friends is a minimum thing to expect. So, I would ask her to keep to this rule. You need to know who she was intimate with, for your friends with or when you or she meet someone from her past. She is an older woman with a past, I get it, you did not, nor did you expect to marry a virgin, or someone who was celebrate, but an Trustful relationship going forward is what you and she should shoot for. Sit down and discuss, and make some rule. Marriage is like that. Sometimes we do not start out the right way, but learn as we go along. In this case, the lesson is that going forward she should make an effort to let you know about past lovers as they effect your lives. This does not have to be a huge deal breaker at this time. This is assuming that you are honest about non-jealousy about her sexual past. I wish you both luck, and remember it is the future, not the past you should live for. Edited June 2, 2021 by understand50 Clean it up Link to post Share on other sites
Author gravelandgrit Posted June 15, 2021 Author Share Posted June 15, 2021 Thx for all the answers. My current way to handle this situation is to accept it as I love her too much to divorce and hurt our children. The feeling currently came back everyday, but then I try to convince myself to live in the present and not in the past. Two other issues to mention: 1) my friendship to my friend who slept with her is dead, but just i know this. Weird feeling, don't know how this should work in future. 2) the fact that she was able to hide this from me currently gives me the feeling that she could hide everything from me. Lack of trust will not dissappear as I feel now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 15, 2021 Share Posted June 15, 2021 On 6/1/2021 at 7:20 AM, gravelandgrit said: My other question is: As my friend does not know that I know it and we meet regulary (e.g. tomorrow), how should i deal with him? Especially in the short term, I think you need a lot of distance in here, at minimum. I know I'm late to this & below you said your friendship with him is dead, which is fine. Again it's too late now but I think I would handle it by telling him you just found out about the true nature of his past relationship with your wife & you are upset. Tell him you feel like they both betrayed you by keeping this secret all these years so now you need time to process & you don't want to see him for a while. Make it clear to both of them that you cannot tolerate them seeing each other while you are dealing with this. Your wife needs to give this to you to help restore balance & trust to your marriage. It's not about you controlling her or any other BS. She did wrong. You are the aggrieved party. You get to set the terms about what will help you reconcile with her. Do not specify what "a while" means in time. It might mean forever. Don't say that. I just want you to eventually get to a point where you can be at the same event & not cause drama. Ice cold & tight lipped ignoring him is fine, but you can't get into it at your kids' little league game. You know? There is a bigger social circle in here so you will all have to find a way to co-exist. 2 hours ago, gravelandgrit said: 2) the fact that she was able to hide this from me currently gives me the feeling that she could hide everything from me. Lack of trust will not dissappear as I feel now. For this I suggest MC so you can figure out how to rebuild trust. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gravelandgrit Posted June 15, 2021 Author Share Posted June 15, 2021 5 hours ago, d0nnivain said: Especially in the short term, I think you need a lot of distance in here, at minimum. I know I'm late to this & below you said your friendship with him is dead, which is fine. Again it's too late now but I think I would handle it by telling him you just found out about the true nature of his past relationship with your wife & you are upset. Tell him you feel like they both betrayed you by keeping this secret all these years so now you need time to process & you don't want to see him for a while. Make it clear to both of them that you cannot tolerate them seeing each other while you are dealing with this. Your wife needs to give this to you to help restore balance & trust to your marriage. It's not about you controlling her or any other BS. She did wrong. You are the aggrieved party. You get to set the terms about what will help you reconcile with her. Do not specify what "a while" means in time. It might mean forever. Don't say that. I just want you to eventually get to a point where you can be at the same event & not cause drama. Ice cold & tight lipped ignoring him is fine, but you can't get into it at your kids' little league game. You know? There is a bigger social circle in here so you will all have to find a way to co-exist. For this I suggest MC so you can figure out how to rebuild trust. Best wishes. Many thanks for your answer. I just have one other question. The fact that his girlfriend is up to 99% in the same situation makes it hard to speek with him and to completely cut contact. But it really annoyes me that we are for example in friends WhatsApp groups and our children always are together. Is there any other way except accepting it or bursting the bomb? Br Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 16, 2021 Share Posted June 16, 2021 Stay off the group text for a while & plan family outings that take your kids away from his. You need a breather. Don't tell the kids why Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted June 16, 2021 Share Posted June 16, 2021 This is just my opinion, but honesty in a marriage goes both ways. You deserve honesty form her, and she also deserves it from you. That means letting her know when. something ( the past relationship) is bothering you, even if it's an unpleasant conversation. I'm not saying to accuse her of anything, but that if something is eating away at you, let her know. You might even find that, once you have talked through it all, you'll feel a lot better towards her and also your friend. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted June 16, 2021 Share Posted June 16, 2021 I don’t think it would be hard to cut contact with the friend if you really wanted to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 16, 2021 Share Posted June 16, 2021 2 minutes ago, usa1ah said: I don’t think it would be hard to cut contact with the friend if you really wanted to. Remember their kids are friends & in a lot of activities together. That makes it harder. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted June 16, 2021 Share Posted June 16, 2021 I remember, still wouldn’t be hard if it is necessary to move on from this. I don’t believe it’s the fact that they slept with one another. It is the the lying about it that is the trouble. Just a bold face lie. Link to post Share on other sites
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