Wife slept with one of best friends

[understand50]

17 hours ago, usa1ah said:

I remember, still wouldn’t be hard if it is necessary to move on from this. 
 

I don’t believe it’s the fact that they slept with one another. It is the the lying about it that is the trouble. Just a bold face lie. 

Right, It is not her past. He understands that, it the lying about it. Yes, men and women can expect some privacy, but your sexual past must be somewhat of an open book.  I am not saying all the gory details, but enough to know what went on. Lying, just shows, that you are afraid of damaging your present and future.  Why give the past so much weight?  I love my wife now, just need to know about her past, as yours and her past shapes who we are today. It is always better to be upfront and honest, then not.  If you are going to spend the rest of your life with them, and they are the one, then one test is that they can accept your past and all it has. 

My two cents.....

[gravelandgrit]

7 hours ago, understand50 said:

Right, It is not her past. He understands that, it the lying about it. Yes, men and women can expect some privacy, but your sexual past must be somewhat of an open book.  I am not saying all the gory details, but enough to know what went on. Lying, just shows, that you are afraid of damaging your present and future.  Why give the past so much weight?  I love my wife now, just need to know about her past, as yours and her past shapes who we are today. It is always better to be upfront and honest, then not.  If you are going to spend the rest of your life with them, and they are the one, then one test is that they can accept your past and all it has. 

My two cents.....

I couldn't find better words than yours. Everybody has the right to keep secrets, but not the one that are able to change the path of the partners life.  Her past was never a problem for me.  Although i played sports with the ex friend of her whom I was aware of from the beginning. Never a problem. Everything was easy, great conversations, laughing, jokes. 

But with this lie everything is different. Simple conversations are sometimes strange. We tried to talk much to make the situation better, but it's really difficult to forget the fact that she was able to hide this from me. 

The stupiest feeling is that i sometimes think that I will destroy the relationship because i overthink and I have the need to talk about it again.

Strange. I was the complete opposite person before.

[gravelandgrit]

Ok, so after 3-4 month I can say situation gets better because of initimacy and working on love with wife. But as our situation with friends does not allow to break up contact with him completely, being still around this big lie (the other guy) always put me back into feelings of anger and mistrust. 

I know what would be the most efficient way. Talk with him. 

But when I talk with him I risk the following situation: 

- troubles in whole friend circle

- troubles with his girlfriend as she also do not know it

- troubles again with my wife as she might want to be involved in the talk

What would be your solution? 

Edited September 7, 2021 by gravelandgrit

[HappilyMarried]

Glad to hear you are doing some better @gravelandgritbut if it is still bothering you and affecting your life you need to do what is best for you. Also, if your wife truly loves you she should understand how it is hurting you and do what you think is best for you.

With that said you need to confront him and get it out in the open and say that due to this it is too much to continue to spend time together and you will not say anything to anyone to any reason why you are not together . But above all do what is best for you and your life. Best of luck!

[glows]

10 hours ago, gravelandgrit said:

Ok, so after 3-4 month I can say situation gets better because of initimacy and working on love with wife. But as our situation with friends does not allow to break up contact with him completely, being still around this big lie (the other guy) always put me back into feelings of anger and mistrust. 

I know what would be the most efficient way. Talk with him. 

But when I talk with him I risk the following situation: 

- troubles in whole friend circle

- troubles with his girlfriend as she also do not know it

- troubles again with my wife as she might want to be involved in the talk

What would be your solution? 

You're married to your wife. Talk with her about the best way to approach this. I don't recommend having a word with your friend without your wife knowing as she could just as easily make plans with your mutual circle and not be aware of any private discussion. Is there a reason why you're so hesitant to bring this up with your wife and deal with it together? She and you have decided to work on your marriage so truly do focus on the marriage (let go of these ruminations and obsession about this friend or your wife's past) or deal with the situation together as a couple.

[usa1ah]

Time to end the friendship bud, it is eating you alive. 

[Robert2016]

 

Sounds like you're slowing dying inside by inches which impacts you as a human being, a husband, and as a father.

I think you need to fix this.

Is it possible that the Ex (your friend) believes that you know he dated (and had sex with your wife) before you were engaged?

I think you should tell him that you didn't know.  And if you did, you would not be married to her today. 

And now every time you see him it reminds you of her deceit/lie. He can now share your discomfort.

IMO each time you share this burden (even with the Ex) you will experience a sense of relief.

 

 

 

 

Edited October 2, 2021 by Robert2016

[Robert2016]

Would your wife apologize for deceiving you into marrying her in front of the circle of friends?

And she should inform the group that she lied because she believed it's likely you would not have married her if you knew; and now her deceit may result in you deciding to divorce her.

The group deserves an apology too.  She should apologize for allowing everyone to believe she respected her husband (clearly she didn't).

IMO she owes that to you and to the group (total honesty). 

If she loves you as much as you love her, then she should be willing to at least share some this burden by confessing to the group. This isn't something you did to her (she brought this on herself). This whole mess is a consequence of her lack of empathy for you as well as her selfish, entitled, and deceitful behavior to basically trick you into marrying her.

That way the entire group shares your burden and maybe discomfort.

 

 

 

 

Edited October 2, 2021 by Robert2016

[HappilyMarried]

How are you doing @gravaaventy? Hope you are doing better. Have you talked to your wife yet to let her know how her secret is bothering you?

[Noproblem]

On 10/1/2021 at 8:26 PM, Robert2016 said:

Would your wife apologize for deceiving you into marrying her in front of the circle of friends?

And she should inform the group that she lied because she believed it's likely you would not have married her if you knew; and now her deceit may result in you deciding to divorce her.

The group deserves an apology too.  She should apologize for allowing everyone to believe she respected her husband (clearly she didn't).

IMO she owes that to you and to the group (total honesty). 

If she loves you as much as you love her, then she should be willing to at least share some this burden by confessing to the group. This isn't something you did to her (she brought this on herself). This whole mess is a consequence of her lack of empathy for you as well as her selfish, entitled, and deceitful behavior to basically trick you into marrying her.

That way the entire group shares your burden and maybe discomfort.

 

 

 

 

what? Lol

she didn't deceive anyone! She is allowed to sleep with whoever she wanted as long as it wasn't during her marriage.

She had a relationship with a guy that didn't work out for some reason and they stayed friends afterward and later in life she married another friend who is a mutual friend for both her and her ex! She decided it's best not to share her past so she doesn't destroy the group of friends chemistry since everything in the past now and she and her ex both moved on!

She doesn't owe anyone an apology! 

It's her past and she can choose to say what she did or what she didn't! 

Apologize to the group of friends? for what?

whatelse, should she walk the sinner path and people throw rocks at her?

It really disgusting that women should always feels guilty about their past! 

Edited October 25, 2021 by Noproblem

[DKT3]

Hmm, so you find no issues with a woman marrying a man after sleeping with his best friend while deciding that they don't tell him because she doesn't want to ruin it?

Here is another way to look at it, she and the friend decided to keep this from him because she knew it would change his desire to be in a relationship with her, that is the definition of deceit. 

Its been awhile since I read this thread, but I'm pretty sure he said he would not have married her had he known....

Bottom line,  she knew him having the information would change the relationship,  she kept it from him in order to advance the relationship.  It wasn't to keep any peace among a group of friends that would have likely known about the relationship in the first place.

[gravelandgrit]

Many thanks for your replies. 

It's now been a while since my last post. 

Until now I haven't spoken to my friend about the topic, I have chosen to ignore him. 

Over a period of 3 month this worked well and I haven't thought about it a minute. But I have to admit that this is not the solution. From time to time the boomerang come back. It's not possible to hide from him completely as we have mutual friends. 

@DKT3 is right in my opinion. The feeling of betrayal destroys me as this was / is my one and only inner friend circle. 

@Noproblem I think you got it wrong. As I mentioned earlier the past really is not my problem. It is the lack of trust which affects every situation in my life now. Both regarding my wife and regarding my friends. 

To be honest: 

In my opinion this is the worst situation someone can face in a marriage. Too less cheat to leave her, too much cheat to be happy. 

The only solution which I see is to get a clearer vision / mission of my life and to build more confidence through other things (sport, work, hobbies). Don't know if this is the right way to be happy 10 or 20 years from.

[DKT3]

@gravelandgrit

I wouldn't classify it as cheating,  but it was deceitful in a major way.

I believe your problem is no knowing,  not knowing if there is more, not knowing if they continued after you two were together.  Because they both lied, her directly and him by omission,  the possibility of what could have happened when your back was turned on the vacations or nights out.

Unfortunately you don't trust her on this subject so your stuck. 

Ignoring it will not make it go away,  only way to get back to happy is being comfortable with the information,  only way to get comfortable is believing you have your questions answered. 

Not doing so will lead to resentment,  its a monster that grows and destroys every thing in its path.

Edited January 18, 2022 by DKT3

[Wiseman2]

On 5/27/2021 at 8:06 AM, gravelandgrit said:

Some weeks go I found out that she slept with one other of my best friends too. Again, the problem is not her past.

This happened before you were together, so it's best to not beat her or yourself up over a  past that doesn't matter and can not be changed. No one provides a list of each and every person they dated/had sex with prior to marriage so she did not 'deceive you" but rather retained her privacy and used discretion. It's awkward only because you all still hang out as friends.

[DKT3]

So it his fault he still hung out with his best friend that he didn't know his wife slept with and had strong feelings for? 

[]

It neither helpful or healthy to just ignore deciet. The only thing I agree with in the previous post is its not cheating. 

Edited January 18, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Off topic

[glows]

1 hour ago, gravelandgrit said:

Many thanks for your replies. 

It's now been a while since my last post. 

Until now I haven't spoken to my friend about the topic, I have chosen to ignore him. 

Over a period of 3 month this worked well and I haven't thought about it a minute. But I have to admit that this is not the solution. From time to time the boomerang come back. It's not possible to hide from him completely as we have mutual friends. 

@DKT3 is right in my opinion. The feeling of betrayal destroys me as this was / is my one and only inner friend circle. 

@Noproblem I think you got it wrong. As I mentioned earlier the past really is not my problem. It is the lack of trust which affects every situation in my life now. Both regarding my wife and regarding my friends. 

To be honest: 

In my opinion this is the worst situation someone can face in a marriage. Too less cheat to leave her, too much cheat to be happy. 

The only solution which I see is to get a clearer vision / mission of my life and to build more confidence through other things (sport, work, hobbies). Don't know if this is the right way to be happy 10 or 20 years from.

Would you have married her if you’d have known? Your view of her might have changed and that says a lot about your marriage. This may not be the real issue. Your marriage is already on the rocks. 

The only way I’d see this working is building more confidence in each other and make a deeper and more concerted effort in your marriage. Engage with your wife in your daily lives. Don’t isolate yourself and simmer in anger or darkness. You’re not supposed to be alone in the marriage.

[understand50]

gravelandgrit,

In my opinion, the only way to work though this is for your wife to completely open and honest about her past.   It is one thing to meet a person, and you both have a past and they do not over lap.  It is another, when they do, and one for the other is not forthcoming.  You knew she was sexually active, but not with who.  She should have been open as to who and told you about your friend, or for that matter any other friends.  Of course, there is the matter, of her not trusting you to judge, or "love" her if you had the full picture.  It shows she is not sure about herself, and your relationship.

Good news, this can be overcome, but it involves you both being open and honest about your respective past.  I do not mean you both giving painful details about your past, but a general overview of what has happened in your lives before you got together.  Key in on anything that could affect your relationship, be it financial, civil, or sexual.  What you need is better communications, and a willingness to hear what she says, and a idea that you both may not like what you hear.  Once it is out, you can talk about it, and put it to rest.  You both cannot change the past, but you can deal with it, and go ahead to a better future.

 

I wish you luck.

[SouthernIslander]

I have never dated men who roll in the same circle or men that my friends or family dated, and I am from a tiny area, so that wasn't always easy.  I've always had that rule in place to avoid messy situations like this.  I was a bit taken back by some of the comments because you had every right to be mad because I'd be livid if someone made that decision for me and that is a major breach of trust for both of them.   That isn't something you hide from a friend or a partner.  

Honestly, your wife and your friend are both wrong. If you gave your wife the chance to hear her out and mend the relationship, I would try to give the friend the same opportunity.   The only way you'll be able to tolerate dealing with him or his household long term is trying to mend this based on honesty. Simmering on it, it just a ticking time bomb.  You can always offer to involve a therapist or a 3rd party to help mediate.   If he screws it up or you just can't stomach it, I'd cut his household off completely from mine. 

I know you mentioned your children are friends and I've had to make that decision before.  Ultimately, that just isn't more important than cutting off unhealthy people/situations and this type of messiness is not setting a good example for the kids in either household.  As far as your mutual friends, if they are your real friends they will adjust and understand why you have to set certain boundaries.  

Anyway, thats my two cents.   Good luck to you and keep us posted.   

 

[vla1120]

On 1/18/2022 at 7:34 AM, gravelandgrit said:

Many thanks for your replies. 

It's now been a while since my last post. 

Until now I haven't spoken to my friend about the topic, I have chosen to ignore him. 

Over a period of 3 month this worked well and I haven't thought about it a minute. But I have to admit that this is not the solution. From time to time the boomerang come back. It's not possible to hide from him completely as we have mutual friends. 

@DKT3 is right in my opinion. The feeling of betrayal destroys me as this was / is my one and only inner friend circle. 

@Noproblem I think you got it wrong. As I mentioned earlier the past really is not my problem. It is the lack of trust which affects every situation in my life now. Both regarding my wife and regarding my friends. 

To be honest: 

In my opinion this is the worst situation someone can face in a marriage. Too less cheat to leave her, too much cheat to be happy. 

The only solution which I see is to get a clearer vision / mission of my life and to build more confidence through other things (sport, work, hobbies). Don't know if this is the right way to be happy 10 or 20 years from.

Have you thought about marriage counseling with your wife? (I apologize if you already addressed this question.) To ignore your feelings would inadvisable. Those feelings might fester and cause more problems down the road. It would be best to seek counseling and address the issue with your wife. A therapist could help give you the tools you need to get past this. As far as the friend, perhaps having a one-on-one with him and telling him you resent the fact that he and your wife kept this from you and acted as though they had no past will clear the air enough for you to be in the same circle as him without trying to avoid him all the time. (Or, you could take the advice of a therapist on how to deal with your friend.)