Wife believes I am attracted to other women

[Napatree]

My wife and I are going through a tough time. Neither of us have cheated on one another. We have 2 kids, 10 and 12 who are great. My wife (admittedly) has self esteem issues, but she is very pretty and in great shape. She is jealous of all other women. She constantly accuses me of looking at other women, and finding them attractive. She says she knows I love her, and that I'm a good dad, but she cant get over the fact that she feels I find other women attractive. In recent months, she has been accusing me of this constantly, and I have admittedly become frustrated and angry about it. She says that my anger over her accusations are proof positive that I am attracted to these women, or I would not have reacted this way. She is now stuck on that, and says we can't be close until I prove it to her. I just don't know how to do it. One thing that has set her off recently is that one of the women she believes I find attractive is our neighbor. And what has really set things off is that our neighbor recently got a job at my company. This really bothers my wife, and she is set in her mind that I find this woman attractive. Its what is really holding up our relationship at the moment Any thoughts?

[d0nnivain]

Your wife has self esteem problems.  Lots of married people find other people attractive.  It's no bog deal.  Ogling them, commenting on it or making  a play for them would be a problem but as passing thought -- oh they are pretty -- is no big deal.  Until she makes peace with that fact of human existence she will make you both nuts

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Napatree said:

She is now stuck on that, and says we can't be close until I prove it to her.  Its what is really holding up our relationship at the moment Any thoughts?

How long has this been going on.?

Sometimes, the overt issues cover the real issues. Something is up with her. 

That could be uncovered in marriage therapy. 

The other thing to try is more romance. Kid free date nights/romantic weekends. 

 Perhaps she's the jealous type not much  you can do, but don't get into the mom and dad rut and forget to make her feel special/attractive.

That's about the only thing in your control if her insinuations/jealousy is unfounded.

[Crazelnut]

I can tell you from personal experience that YOU cannot do anything about this. The only thing to do is get her into IC. If she won't do that, maybe MC, but do NOT accept any blame or responsibility. Your wife has some pretty deep issues, and she needs to deal with them. If not, it will eventually drive you away from her. It's horrible to have your partner constantly harassing you like this. 

[mark clemson]

Have a gander:

https://www.verywellmind.com/overcome-jealousy-in-your-marriage-2303979

[Napatree]

Thanks all, I’ve seen that link before. She is definitely irrational. There really can be no date night or romance as she has completely shut down regarding our intimacy. We argued tonight, and she is just fixated on the fact that my neighbor works with me. I asked her to go with me to a marriage counselor but she is currently refusing. I’m going to try to keep convincing her to go. Our current loop of discussion is going nowhere.

[d0nnivain]

9 hours ago, Napatree said:

. I asked her to go with me to a marriage counselor but she is currently refusing. I’m going to try to keep convincing her to go. Our current loop of discussion is going nowhere.

Ultimatum time, sorry.   You point blank say

I love you but your paranoid insecurity & refusal to have sex with me are ruining our marriage.  I want to fix that because I love you & want to be with you but if you don't come with me to MC I have to assume you have no interest in remaining married to me because you don't love me any more & I have to do what I have to to protect myself & move forward in life.  So which is it:  work on our marriage or end it?  Your choice.  Pick wisely.  

[Blind-Sided]

It's human nature to think other people are attractive.  BUT... that doesn't mean that you would leave your SO, or act on any feelings.

If she is getting angry about it... and you aren't being obvious (like staring at a girl's butt, or making comments on other women)  Then this is 100% her, and she needs help.

The other side of this is... when people are feeling guilty... then they project.  You may want to look at her phone, and see what she is up to.

And finally... she may just need help.

[Fletch Lives]

Wow, is she a pain in the butt. You might have to use tough love. The next time she gives you grief, walk out on her for the afternoon, eve, or a day or two. Or cut off sex, romance, and affection.

[Crazelnut]

D0nnievain is spot on. She needs to see that you are serious. If she won't get help and is ruining your marriage, are you prepared to walk? Continuing to talk to her and trying to get her to see reason are NOT going to work. You cannot reason with that degree of irrationality.

[Acacia98]

Try to reassure her, which you've already done, and try to get her help, which she seems against. And then maybe talk to a mental health professional to see if you have other options.

Also, I do agree with Blind-Sided that she may be projecting. So maybe that's the first thing you should check: is she cheating? 

Edited May 28, 2021 by Acacia98

[Blind-Sided]

2 hours ago, Crazelnut said:

You cannot reason with that degree of irrationality.

D0nnievain is spot on. She needs to see that you are serious.

OK... I switched it around... but if you can't reason with her... how can you shower you are serious?  You could do EXACTLY want she says... and then she will look for a reason to not be happy with it.

The issue is... she is nutz, and super jealous. if our OP isn't cheating and is giving a normal amount of love... then she needs to work on herself before she will ever be happy. 

[Napatree]

Again, thanks,

  We actually had a good night after another "discussion". She knows she needs help, and she says to me that I need to help her since she is the one with the problem. By Helping her she means that I cannot become defensive or angry at her constant unhappiness, and that she has good reason to be unhappy after 14 years of marriage, I owe her. But in the next breath she says that being angry is her "comfort zone" since she came from such a dysfunctional family. She is just all over the place, no matter what I say or do its wrong. I'm not ready to quit the marriage, but we have brought it up several times.  We are a happy family with great kids, and she acts OK when we are with them. I couldn't even imagine telling them that we we would be getting divorced. She did say last night that she would be willing to see a marriage counselor once her other health issues are resolved, but them being resolved is up to her they are not that serious. so we'll see. Its comforting to know that others have gone through this, and to be able to tell someone about it.

[Crazelnut]

Here's what I take away from your update. She still puts the onus on you, and she still won't see an individual counselor. I don't think you were strong enough in your language to her.   O heck no!  If she wants to stay married, she needs to right away make an appointment with an individual counselor. No waiting, no excuses. She basically just told you to suck it up  and deal with her insane behavior.

Edited May 28, 2021 by Crazelnut

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Napatree said:

 She did say last night that she would be willing to see a marriage counselor once her other health issues are resolved, but them being resolved is up to her they are not that serious. so we'll see.

Her health issues are not that serious but the issues in your marriage are critical & your relationship is heading toward life support.  
 

Medical triage mandates that the most serious potentially, fatal conditions are addressed 1st.  here that is the state of your marriage. No more waiting.  

Do help her.  Make the appointment, bundle her up in the car & take the two of you to the MC's office.  

[Lotsgoingon]

When did you first realize that your wife had insecurities that outsized most galaxies? Surely, she has been insecure before now. 

[dramafreezone]

On 5/27/2021 at 10:30 AM, Napatree said:

My wife and I are going through a tough time. Neither of us have cheated on one another. We have 2 kids, 10 and 12 who are great. My wife (admittedly) has self esteem issues, but she is very pretty and in great shape. She is jealous of all other women. She constantly accuses me of looking at other women, and finding them attractive. She says she knows I love her, and that I'm a good dad, but she cant get over the fact that she feels I find other women attractive. In recent months, she has been accusing me of this constantly, and I have admittedly become frustrated and angry about it. She says that my anger over her accusations are proof positive that I am attracted to these women, or I would not have reacted this way. She is now stuck on that, and says we can't be close until I prove it to her. I just don't know how to do it. One thing that has set her off recently is that one of the women she believes I find attractive is our neighbor. And what has really set things off is that our neighbor recently got a job at my company. This really bothers my wife, and she is set in her mind that I find this woman attractive. Its what is really holding up our relationship at the moment Any thoughts?

You are attracted to other women, because you're a living heterosexual male.  She's attracted to other men too.  Being married can't override hard wiring that's in all of us.

The thing I worry about in this case is the possibility that she's projecting because of possible bad behavior on her own part.  In any event this is difficult to deal with.  She needs therapy because this won't get any better.

Stop beating yourself up about this.  There is not enough reassurance in the world that's going to reach someone like this.  She needs professional help.

Edited May 29, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Caauug]

 

On 5/28/2021 at 1:30 AM, Napatree said:

My wife and I are going through a tough time. Neither of us have cheated on one another.

Don't be too sure of that... You stated she is pretty and in great shape. She will have no shortage of men available if she wanted attention. The "Tough Time" has affair all over it. If she was to have an affair the most popular cover is to make the problems in the marriage your fault. Even better if the problems can not be solved easily.... What can you do about your neighbor working at the same company? Find another job and move house? She has you chasing your tail around in circles and not looking at the person that has the issues in your marriage, her!!!

 

On 5/28/2021 at 8:49 AM, Napatree said:

She is definitely irrational. There really can be no date night or romance as she has completely shut down regarding our intimacy.

If she's not loving you, who is she loving? She will be wanting intimacy and affection from the person she is attracted to, this does not sound like it is you.... 

On 5/29/2021 at 2:50 AM, Napatree said:

She knows she needs help, and she says to me that I need to help her since she is the one with the problem. By Helping her she means that I cannot become defensive or angry at her constant unhappiness, and that she has good reason to be unhappy after 14 years of marriage, I owe her.

She's good... She admits to be the problem but you have to help her? She's playing on your instinct to as a "Protector" but you can't protect her if you don't know from what... Help by not getting defensive or angry? At what would you get defensive or angry about? The loss of your marriage maybe? What gives her the right to be unhappy because she has been married for 14 years? More likely unhappy because she is still married to you and not her affair partner. You don't owe her, she owes you to come clean and work on her marriage....

On 5/29/2021 at 2:50 AM, Napatree said:

She did say last night that she would be willing to see a marriage counselor once her other health issues are resolved, but them being resolved is up to her they are not that serious.

She is trying to pacify you with the MC promise in the distant future.... More likely her branch swing is not a sure thing to her Plan A man, he may not be receptive to your 2 kids yet.... If she wanted to save the marriage she would be willing to do MC now.... She has already left the marriage and knows it is a waist of time and money.

Your wife has you looking everywhere for the problem but where the problem lies.... Look at her actions, not what she says... Talk is cheap and lies are easy, her actions will show you the truth. Prepare yourself for the worst and start digging in what your wife is doing. Look, listen to the hints and keep your mouth shut on what you find. She is pushing you away for a reason, what/who is that reason? You likely know him, have met him, or she has talked about him at some point... Don't guess until you have lots of proof.

[Napatree]

Thanks for the analysis, and you may be right, but I doubt she would have the time to cheat. We are home together every night. She is a school nurse, and cannot leave the school property during the day and is busy while she is there. She is home when the kids get home from school, and I am home from work about an hour later. She goes shopping on the weekends, but is back quickly, and has stuff.  I do play i a golf league, but she's home with the kids while I'm there. She will be home every day soon for summer vacation, but she is reluctant to leave the kids alone for even a few minutes.  She says she has other reasons to be mad with me. We live in the house I grew up in. Its Nice, and We've (I've) done a lot of work on it, but its not "hers", and she goes between telling me she likes it, and hates it. She cant swim, or at least not well. We have a boat that we use a lot in the summer, its large (ish) and we go on a few multi-day trips in the summer. Again, she tolerates the boat, even though the kids love it and we go to nice places. Years ago she found some porn on my computer, so now she believes I'm a constant user, and that it is tantamount to cheating on her. She also accuses me of lying all the time, which I don't do. Even though we've done many renovations to the house that she wanted, and were entirely unnecessary and she basically controls all the interior decorating and what we eat, and what we do she still says she gets "nothing" from me, and that she has suffered for 14 years. 

Her mood is VERY cyclical, and it goes with the monthly cycle. during "the good time of the month" we may have sex a lot, and get along well. During the "bad" time, she is horribly moody, and sends me text after long text telling me how awful I am and that I don't "help" her with her problem (that she admits she has, sometimes).  We've had a very bad time recently, leading me to post here for some help. I really didn't believe we'd get out of it. But, the good time of the month struck, and we are in pretty good relations at least for a while. We've had sex a few time, and went out to dinner on Sunday night. It won't last. I'll basically continue being the same person doing the same things and she will descend into horrible unhappiness and harassing behavior toward me that I will have done nothing to cause. 

She definitely has a dysfunctional family,  and I wish I could get her to some counseling. Maybe on the next downswing.  Just for some context, below is one of her long texts to me. Just so you know, English is not her first language, so the grammar isn't perfect. There are dozens more like it:

I always have said use your own words that you are a man if many words, that's why all the stuff i text you is the way i want to feel but everybody shows it in their own authentic way. I don't want to repeat myself milion times but you showed me in your own authentic way that you find someone else attractive and now you guys work together and it bothers me so i need you to show me in your own authentic way to not be bothered by it. After all of that but especially since April 9th i completely became turned off to you so now i need you to show me in your authentic way your affection to me over and over. The truth is because we drifted so much apart that we both will have to work hard to be close again but because i do blame you for it mostly, so i need to see you working really hard to help me and like I said with every passing day we get more drifted apart. I feel i sacrificed so much for this marriage and i want now you to help me feel more secure about myself, feel less jealous and desire you. I know i am in emotional low but i have said that before if i overcome it by myself, there will be no place for you in my life because i have asked you for it and begged you for it for too long. And i would feel way too much resentment towards you if i overcome it by myself without your help.

That's what I deal with about 2 weeks out of every month.

 

 

[Crazelnut]

Man, she is crazy! Everything is always YOUR fault, and she expects you to do all the work?? Oh heck no. You have 3 choices:

1. Stand up to her insanity. Refuse to take blame. Shift it back to her, and force her to get mental and physical health help.

2. Leave her.

3. Suck it up. Accept that this is your life as long as you're with her. If you won't try to get her to seek help and you won't leave her, you need to change your attitude and how you think about this situation. 

[IslandSanctuary]

It's impossible to be human and not to be attracted to people. It's how you act on this attraction. You need to kick this behaviour to the curb asap. 
Make it clear to her that you are doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG and you will not tolerate her berating you when you are a good partner and father. 
I wouldn't put up with this. She must realize her error or you really have no choice but to end things. 

I once had a gf that went ballistic at me when we drove past a woman riding her bike. I hardly even noticed her, I didn't even look at her - and even if I had there is nothing wrong with looking, so long as you dont stare or oogle. She went nuts at me, accusing me of looking at her. I was young and didn't know how to react. Looking back, if this happened to me now I'd turn around drive home and pack my stuff in front of her. 

I find the part about the neighbour interesting. Do you hang out with the neighbour, text her or anything like that? Because then that would be a problem. 

Edited June 2, 2021 by IslandSanctuary

[chillii]

And your so lucky to boot having a wife still very pretty and in good shape after all the yrs and kids, so it's weird that she of all people should be worried.   But yeah logic doesn't come into it with women or probably men either that are so bad about other people , l know from experience nothing you can do will fix it. You'll still only have to walk past any woman on the street even looking the other way but you'll still be after her too, you can do no rights with people like this even if your locked up in a box.. So yeah maybe some professional help could help her .

[Napatree]

Thanks again for the replies,

To IslandSanctuary: No I do not hang out with the neighbor or text her. I have texted back and forth with her husband about borrowing tools and things, but not her. I've spoken to her at the bus stop when our kids were little and needed parents there, nothing but idle conversation mostly about the kids. 

You're right about the logic piece, She feels how she feels, no matter what the facts are.  

I'm hoping that eventually we can go to marriage counselling

Thanks

 

[Crazelnut]

Your responses tell me that you're going to do nothing about this and basically just put up with her mental abuse. She won't go to MC unless you issue an ultimatum and force the issue. So good luck with your non-strategy. 

[Alfano]

Think outside the box- something else might be driving your wife's accusations.

The best defense is a good offense.

Or something like that.