Wife believes I am attracted to other women

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, how did you end up with a woman this profoundly insecure and with the confusing, baffling twisted lines of thinking. You have to help me now or I'll resent you. If I overcome my own pain, I'm going to resent my partner. 

Dude, her thinking is illogical and nonsensical. You're still in denial chipping around the edges of the truth. The truth is that she is impossibly in her own world and someone you never got comfort standing in your own world and space. So now you're feeling scared that she would be angry at you for not joining her insanity.

Note: we get healthy for ourselves. Ourselves. I don't go to the doctor for my partner. I get healthy for myself ... and the healthier I am (medically, psychologically) the more I can enjoy life and the more I can bring to a partner. Your wife's thinking is so twisted (I can't think of a better word) on this matter. 

Time for you to come out of denial. How long has she had this make-no-sense thinking about the world? 

[Napatree]

She is from a small farm in eastern Europe, she was there until she was 20 (she's 42 now). Her mother is a horrible narcissist (at least that what my wife says). Her mother and father had a horrible relationship constantly at each others throats, and one side of the family hating the other, living in the same small house. Her father died from sickness when she was about 17. The mother still hates the father, and trashes him non stop to this day (says my wife). Its also possible she was abused, in a couple of arguments we've had, she said she was abused, and when I said she abuses me mentally, she absolutely lost it.  I knew none of this when we were dating, or when we first got married. Her mother speaks no english, so I have pretty much no idea what she is saying when they talk to each other.   She knows she has issues, she just won't deal with them. I think she's afraid of what will be found if she does go to therapy.  Things have changed in recent months, gotten worse, that's why I posted here since I needed to at least tell someone what was going on. I couldn't imagine breaking up our family, the kids are basically oblivious to this (mostly). Things will probably get worse, I am hoping to get her or us into some counseling and see if that can change the dynamic.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Napatree said:

Her mother is a horrible narcissist

Is it your feeling that the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree?

[babybrowns]

I had an ex-boyfriend years ago who had zero physical attraction towards me. Not only did he tell me this but he made sure I saw it; ogling other women in front of me, hitting on other women in front of me etc. Don’t ask me why I was with him for a year; I was very young (and naive) and thought he was nice in other ways. I eventually dumped him after it all got too much. 

Unfortunately what I hadn’t anticipated was the lingering effects- it led me to be paranoid around my innocent next boyfriend who did have physical attraction to me and did not ogle or lust after other women. I would turn harmless things into suspicious situations and get upset over nothing. Eventually though I got through it and got past it since he truly was different to the traumatic one.

It sounds like unfortunately your lady might have had a horrific experience in the past with another man who left her feeling unattractive and paranoid around anyone who came next. I am sure that you show her you love her. I would just advise you to do your utmost in showing her that you have the physical hots for her too; fill in the ‘non-lust’ gaps that were left by her former one. It’ll help.

[Lola]

Hi Napatree

She has low self steem problem and she is insecure about herself because of her childhood. It happens a lot, she knows you love her but she feels worried that you could find other woman more attractive than her. It seems like she has the same routine everyday, working in the school, looking after the kids, groceries shopping and her life is getting boring plus the ghost of her past.  I know she loves her kids and has a beautiful family. But sometimes we need to know that our husband is crazy about us. So let her know everything you think about her, tell everyday how lucky you’re to have her, all that you love about her inside and outside. We want to hear all those things that men use to say in the beginning of the relation, like how beautiful is our smile, our eyes, our body. Make special surprises for her and be kind, it is a psychological issue. She definitely needs to see a profesional who can help her to love herself. She will have to make a list of thinks that she likes about her self, learn how to breathe and think more clearly. She can walk to get all the benefits of exercise, think all the most beautiful moments she has had with you and remember why you both are together. I am a jealous person too and I’m having therapy I wish somebody could tell my husband everything I’m telling you. Have romantic dates, with Amazing sex, try new things. Make her feel special. 

 

Ps I’m sorry if I’m have many mistakes, English is not my first language 

Good luck!!

[Crazelnut]

Napa, if you're just venting on here, fine. But we're trying to give you advice, and you just keep telling us you won't DO anything. You tell us you won't leave, won't put your foot down, won't INSIST that she get help, won't do anything. So vent away, but we all know that she will not stop that damaging behavior until YOU DO SOMETHING about it.

[Napatree]

Thanks Crazelnut,

    There's a lot going on, and things have changed quite a bit in recent months. We talk a lot about this issue, and she is happy for a few days, then bad again. If I were to get tough and insist she or we go to counselling, she would not go. It would end in a huge argument and probably divorce. Since she does admit it, maybe when things get bad again, I can convince her to go together to MC and when we do that the counselor may see her issue (if she doesn't admit it) and suggest IC for her. I do have a plan, its just not what maybe others would do. I do know that if I issued an ultimatum right now, it would lead to divorce, which I'm trying to avoid. I'm trying to save my family and the kids happiness. A get tough attitude on my part right now would almost certainly destroy it.

Everyone is different, and I know how my wife would respond to putting my foot down. If we can ease into counselling and she realizes things, and gets help fine. It may make her realize how she's been behaving.  If we do end up splitting up, this way may result in a more amicable split. That would be better for the kids and us.  

[Daisydooks]

At this point, her behaviour is abusive.  All marriage counseling will do is show her how to abuse you better so Id advise you strongly not to consider MC until she is 6 to 12 months in her own IC. She isnt healthy enough to make the marriage the patient in MC. 

She needs individual therapy because she has an individual problem. In marriage counseling, the marriage is the patient and that wouldnt be happening here. Your wife needs extensive IC before Id ever step foot in MC with her. 

I would nope the f*** out of that idea.