Being Single

[vwisme]

After my most recent break up, I'm starting to feel that I need to be single for some time. Maybe a year? Maybe an indiscriminate amount of time? Not sure. 

I don't want my ex back - at least not right now. If we got back together now it would just be another go at forcing it. Plus I wouldn't break no contact for anything short of a million dollars. On another note, there's a woman that I have a date with who is amazing in every way and I'd say is probably better than my ex...but I still have this scary thought in the recesses of my gut that singleness is the best gift I could give myself at the moment.

So here's what I'm realizing, I feel anxious at the thought of shutting down all dating apps, fwbs, potentials, everything. The thought of spending an exorbitant time without even the potential is anxiety inducing and somewhat petrifying. I can't remember the last time I didn't have someone around in the last year or two. And then the thought of running into my ex with someone new and I'm just....by myself makes me feel like I'll be seen as a loser still hooked on their ex. 

Now, I realize there is plenty wrong with my frame of mind. I get that. It's not healthy and is probably the clearest indication that I need to be single. With that being stated, has anyone been here before? Did you come out the other side better? Worse? Do you regret it? Did you want to be single and decided not to and now regret it? 

Success stories. Advice. Really anything would be helpful at the moment. Thank you. 

 

 

[d0nnivain]

Stop focusing on dating, apps & all that.  Instead focus on yourself -- having fun, figuring out who you are, enjoying life.  

I never took an intentionally planned hiatus from dating but I had a series of long term monogamous relationships without a lot of time in between.  By the time I ended a romance, I was well & truly done so I didn't need that much time to clear my head.  I did that before i pulled the trigger.  When I was dumped, especially that one time when I didn't see it coming, it was November so I took the rest of the year off.  I had one of the best Valentine's Days ever the following February with my friend, drinking wine, eating great chocolate, singing at the top of my lungs off key & throwing darts at pictures of our EXs we mounted on a dart board (safety 1st) until we obliterated their faces.  I did a group beach house that summer & had a blast.   Somewhere in there I fell in love again. 

It's one of those when life gives you lemons make lemonade deals.  Just have a plan to be happy enjoying yourself & see what comes along.   

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, vwisme said:

After my most recent break up, I'm starting to feel that I need to be single for some time. Maybe a year?

Not everyone recommends the monk route, no less an arbitrary time which is more of an urban myth than meaningful action.

Of course don't jump in a rebound just to get next to a warm body as a distraction, but there's no need to get into feast or famine mode.

Date when you're ready and pace yourself.

Edited May 27, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, vwisme said:

With that being stated, has anyone been here before? Did you come out the other side better? Worse? Do you regret it? Did you want to be single and decided not to and now regret it? 

No.

I've always chosen to be single following the end of a relationship.

It’s wanting to get back into another relationship that’s the hard part.

 

[glows]

6 hours ago, vwisme said:

After my most recent break up, I'm starting to feel that I need to be single for some time. Maybe a year? Maybe an indiscriminate amount of time? Not sure. 

I don't want my ex back - at least not right now. If we got back together now it would just be another go at forcing it. Plus I wouldn't break no contact for anything short of a million dollars. On another note, there's a woman that I have a date with who is amazing in every way and I'd say is probably better than my ex...but I still have this scary thought in the recesses of my gut that singleness is the best gift I could give myself at the moment.

So here's what I'm realizing, I feel anxious at the thought of shutting down all dating apps, fwbs, potentials, everything. The thought of spending an exorbitant time without even the potential is anxiety inducing and somewhat petrifying. I can't remember the last time I didn't have someone around in the last year or two. And then the thought of running into my ex with someone new and I'm just....by myself makes me feel like I'll be seen as a loser still hooked on their ex. 

Now, I realize there is plenty wrong with my frame of mind. I get that. It's not healthy and is probably the clearest indication that I need to be single. With that being stated, has anyone been here before? Did you come out the other side better? Worse? Do you regret it? Did you want to be single and decided not to and now regret it? 

Success stories. Advice. Really anything would be helpful at the moment. Thank you. 

When did you break up? Your writing suggests that you're still very much in love with your ex and not only that, you potentially still see a future with her or reconciliation. "I don't want my ex back - at least not right now." That's why this door is not completely closed.

You're still in the throes of anxiety and panic of the break up, withdrawal/shaky stages. It's natural to have these kinds of thoughts. I don't think there's plenty wrong with your frame of mind but what you are doing though is appearing to hurry along the healing process. Advice? Embrace all of it. Don't fight it. You should know that adding anyone to this mix will just amplify or confuse you even more. Healing is never linear. 

What I found grounded me a lot was reviewing what I wanted ultimately and staying in touch with what I feel I deserve. Things or life can be hurtling at you at lightspeed but you can still stay grounded if you're connected to what you need and want and what you deserve in this life. 

 

[vwisme]

18 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Stop focusing on dating, apps & all that.  Instead focus on yourself -- having fun, figuring out who you are, enjoying life.  

I never took an intentionally planned hiatus from dating but I had a series of long term monogamous relationships without a lot of time in between.  By the time I ended a romance, I was well & truly done so I didn't need that much time to clear my head.  I did that before i pulled the trigger.  When I was dumped, especially that one time when I didn't see it coming, it was November so I took the rest of the year off.  I had one of the best Valentine's Days ever the following February with my friend, drinking wine, eating great chocolate, singing at the top of my lungs off key & throwing darts at pictures of our EXs we mounted on a dart board (safety 1st) until we obliterated their faces.  I did a group beach house that summer & had a blast.   Somewhere in there I fell in love again. 

It's one of those when life gives you lemons make lemonade deals.  Just have a plan to be happy enjoying yourself & see what comes along.   

Thank you for this. This is a sublime perspective and makes me realize I'm no longer in need of forcing anything. Live life to the fullest. Embrace it and love it. And let what will be, be. 

[vwisme]

17 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Not everyone recommends the monk route, no less an arbitrary time which is more of an urban myth than meaningful action.

This is true. I don't need to be a monk and most likely won't make me anymore happier. Pace myself it is. 

[d0nnivain]

Great.  Now go do something fun things for yourself.  They don't have to outlandish . . .buy a great novel & read on the couch; take up a new hobby; take a class . ..just use all this free time you have to do something fun.  Make yourself happy.  In that head space you are far more likely to find a good match -- when you are content

[vwisme]

16 hours ago, Alpaca said:

No.

I've always chosen to be single following the end of a relationship.

It’s wanting to get back into another relationship that’s the hard part.

 

Reminds me of something my best friend told me.

Anyone can get into a relationship. It's getting into a quality relationship that's hard. Thank you for this perspective. 

[vwisme]

13 hours ago, glows said:

When did you break up? Your writing suggests that you're still very much in love with your ex and not only that, you potentially still see a future with her or reconciliation. "I don't want my ex back - at least not right now." That's why this door is not completely closed.

You're still in the throes of anxiety and panic of the break up, withdrawal/shaky stages. It's natural to have these kinds of thoughts. I don't think there's plenty wrong with your frame of mind but what you are doing though is appearing to hurry along the healing process. Advice? Embrace all of it. Don't fight it. You should know that adding anyone to this mix will just amplify or confuse you even more. Healing is never linear. 

What I found grounded me a lot was reviewing what I wanted ultimately and staying in touch with what I feel I deserve. Things or life can be hurtling at you at lightspeed but you can still stay grounded if you're connected to what you need and want and what you deserve in this life. 

 

I think you're right. I'm finally getting to a place of acceptance and allowing it to be over. I'm learning to embrace it and letting it be. 

[vwisme]

10 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Great.  Now go do something fun things for yourself.  They don't have to outlandish . . .buy a great novel & read on the couch; take up a new hobby; take a class . ..just use all this free time you have to do something fun.  Make yourself happy.  In that head space you are far more likely to find a good match -- when you are content

Haha I'm making all of the plans as we speak. Getting into the best shape of my life, learning spanish, finances, progressing in my career, spending quality time with friends (new and old) and family. I'm fully focused on me.

[d0nnivain]

Awesome.  Good for you. All of those will lead to a rich fulfilling life!

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, vwisme said:

Reminds me of something my best friend told me.

Anyone can get into a relationship. It's getting into a quality relationship that's hard. Thank you for this perspective. 

Indeed.

But that ties into knowing that a relationship is only as strong and healthy as the two individuals in it.

Which is why jumping right back into another relationship too quickly is not always the best approach.

[dramafreezone]

On 5/27/2021 at 10:29 AM, vwisme said:

After my most recent break up, I'm starting to feel that I need to be single for some time. Maybe a year? Maybe an indiscriminate amount of time? Not sure. 

I don't want my ex back - at least not right now. If we got back together now it would just be another go at forcing it. Plus I wouldn't break no contact for anything short of a million dollars. On another note, there's a woman that I have a date with who is amazing in every way and I'd say is probably better than my ex...but I still have this scary thought in the recesses of my gut that singleness is the best gift I could give myself at the moment.

So here's what I'm realizing, I feel anxious at the thought of shutting down all dating apps, fwbs, potentials, everything. The thought of spending an exorbitant time without even the potential is anxiety inducing and somewhat petrifying. I can't remember the last time I didn't have someone around in the last year or two. And then the thought of running into my ex with someone new and I'm just....by myself makes me feel like I'll be seen as a loser still hooked on their ex. 

Now, I realize there is plenty wrong with my frame of mind. I get that. It's not healthy and is probably the clearest indication that I need to be single. With that being stated, has anyone been here before? Did you come out the other side better? Worse? Do you regret it? Did you want to be single and decided not to and now regret it? 

Success stories. Advice. Really anything would be helpful at the moment. Thank you. 

 

 

Why not just date around?  You can just date casually but not enter into a relationship.  What's wrong with that?

[vwisme]

15 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

Why not just date around?  You can just date casually but not enter into a relationship.  What's wrong with that?

 

20 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Indeed.

But that ties into knowing that a relationship is only as strong and healthy as the two individuals in it.

Which is why jumping right back into another relationship too quickly is not always the best approach.

I think what Alpaca said in the quote above is what I fear most. I used to be (and sometimes still am) really insecure seeing ex partners jump into a relationship right after "us" (which I've done as well) and what I've come to find 100% of the time is that the problems that were had in the previous relationship almost 100% creeped up in the next one - whether it was 6mo or 4 years later.

I can look back and say with certainty neither side ever took time to intentionally grow as people (like going to counseling for example) and got into another relationship blaming the other side. Since I've ended up being friends with the majority of exes, I can say that. And looking back, I realize I wouldn't have been happy married to any of them and them with me. 

With that being said, I'm sincerely tired of the pattern and want to change. It's like the old adage: wherever you go, there you are. So a bit of me is a bit wary of dating again getting out of a very toxic relationship. And as much as I'd like to blame my partner, at the very least I indulged it, stayed in it, and at times kept back for more. 

So that's why. I want to be a healthy individual who attracts another healthy individual and has a very healthy relationship. Model relationship if you will.

[dramafreezone]

Well that's admirable that you recognize the areas in which you need to improve.  But being single isn't the key.  That's like saying the best way to fix a car with a bad transmission is to not drive it.

You should look into therapy, get the transmission fixed.  It's not going to fix itself.

[vwisme]

@dramafreezone 100%! I don't think being single is the key but maybe a step in the right direction. I'm currently in therapy and went on my first date with someone new in a very long time. While I don't know if it's going anywhere (or if I want it to), it was amazing sitting across someone who I viewed to be stunning, witty, and a good time.