Is it time to have an honest discussion with my friend about my feelings?

[highfrequency1980]

I am 40 yo male and my friend is a 38 yo female and we have been friends for close to 15 years. We have no prior history of any type of romantic relationship and there has never been any type of "friend zoning". For most of our friendship we have both been in  relationships with other people and I had never thought of her as anything more than a friend until recently.

About a year and a half ago she  informed that she was separating from her partner of many years which was petty surprising to me because I had no clue they were having problems and they have a couple of kids together. I had separated from my significant other a year earlier but we were, and still are, living together in a roommate situation because we  share a child together and for financial reasons. Over the past year my friend and  have gotten really close and we started spending a lot more time together. There is no doubt that we have developed a very strong connection that goes a beyond normal friendship but nothing has ever happened between us. But, "unfortunately",  I have  started to fall in love with her, if I am keeping it real.

I never expected this  to happen  and was quite caught off guard by it but I guess the reality is that we had never spent this much time together and gotten so close.  I believe  she may have some feelings for me too but I feel like she may be on the fence or may struggle with how she feels. Since we are both not in situations which would allow us to explore any type of healthy, serious, relationship beyond friendship I was content to just kind of keep cruising along in "friendship mode" and just not say anything but yesterday something came up which I feel compels me to come clean with how I feel or exit "stage left" on the friendship for a while.

She has told me ever since she has been in her situation that she can't imagine dating, or getting involved with anyone again, and I believe this to be true, but yesterday she casually mentioned that she recently reconnected with this guy from high school through FB who owns a yoga retreat company in New Mexico.  She didn't really know him that well in high school and it doesn't even seem they were friends but she is trying to start an event planning business so she reached out to him because she thought perhaps she could work with him and schedule some events at his retreat. She also has been having some back issues and mentioned she thought his retreats looked interesting and might help her.  It seems her initial intent when they started talking was to see if she could maybe get a discount on one of his retreats so she could get help with her back issues, and check it out at the same time, but that wasn't going to work for some reason. He ultimately told her she could come stay  there for a few days to check it out when there is no official retreat going on and he is the only one there and she was actually considering doing this which kind of shocked me

 I explained to her that unless he is gay, or in a relationship, he most definitely interested in trying to hook up with her. She was completely stunned by this but I pointed out to her that it would be kind of weird for her to go spend three days,  in the middle of desert, with some guy she barely knows when he doesn't have an active retreat going on. After thinking about it she was kind of like "you know, I think you maybe right." She now seems to be on the fence about going or, at a minimum, just going for a day and then hanging out with a friend who lives about a couple of hours away for the rest of the time. But even though I do think I am correct in my assessment about him, and that she should be careful,  the truth of the matter is that the thought of her going and spending three days alone  some guy she barely knows just "kills" me for a couple of reasons.

First, even though my friend and I do talk, and we have connected quite a bit, it's only been coffee and lunch "dates". I have asked her a few time about going on a hike, to mix things up, as we live in a location where there are lots of places to do this but her business, and her kids, always seem to get in the way. But  now she is seriously considering hopping on a flight, or getting in her car and driving 13 hours, to basically hang out, alone, with this guy she  doesn't really know, and doesn't want to hook up, with for three days when I would just love to spend one whole day with her.  I do understand that making a plan to go on a mini-vacation is a bit different than going on a hike during a normal week and I do think part of this is just her wanting to be a little "crazy and spontaneous" but it does kind of rub me the wrong way and even without these feelings I would be a little hurt by this.

Secondly, on the off chance she does just decide  to go on her own and hang with this guy I know I will be thinking about it every night she is gone and if, god forbid, she does hook up with him I will be absolutely devastated. I know she is in a strange place in her  life right now, and really vulnerable, and it's not that I believe if something goes on with this guy it means there is no chance for us  but I just have no interest in being anywhere near her if something like this happens. The last thing I want to be hearing about is how great "yoga guy" is and her starting to make regular trips out of town to see him. Yes, I know I am totally taking this to an extreme and, quite frankly, I don't think this guy is remotely her type,  but it is a possibility and these are the thoughts  that are now playing in my head because the "toothpaste is out of the tube."  So I feel like I have a couple of options of how I can deal with this.

One option is to immediately start distancing myself from her and just kind of fall off the "radar" until she does whatever she decides she wants to do here. The problem with this, however, is that I don't see her just being cool with me going "MIA" for over a month and not hunting me down until I talk to her.  I also feel like it's kind of a passive-aggressive" move and it doesn't give her a chance to express her feelings when it comes  to me and our friendship which leads me to option 2 - tell her how I feel. I am not speaking of some full on confession of love but just saying something along  this lines of "I was a bit caught off guard when you told me about your plans to go to New Mexico and I was surprised  how I felt about it". She did actually ask me to take a look at his website and tell her what I think, and  I truthfully don't believe she will walk on the friendship, but there is the risk I may hear some things from her I don't want to hear. But, at least we will both know where we stand with each other and , at some point, the issue of one of us dating someone else was probably going to come up so we might as well address the "elephant" in the room now.

Anyway, I do feel like I may be jumping to way too many conclusions here but I would appreciate some thoughts on how to handle. Maybe the best approach is to just not do, or say, anything about it because nothing will actually happen but if some thing does, and I never spoke my truth, it will just drive me crazy.  Tx!

 

Edited May 27, 2021 by highfrequency1980

[d0nnivain]

Would you stull want to be friends with her if she says no thanks?  If so, soft pedal your disclosure.  

Start a conversation about the fact that she's thinking about going to see this other guy.  Ask her if she ever thought about "you & her".  You want your facial expression to fill in the blanks.  Disclose that you thought about it but you value the friendship so while you'd be open to the idea you don't want things to be weird so she should forget you said anything if the answer is no.  Then you may need some space because you won't want to hear about the guy in NM

[glows]

24 minutes ago, highfrequency1980 said:

She has told me ever since she has been in her situation that she can't imagine dating, or getting involved with anyone again, and I believe this to be true, but yesterday she casually mentioned that she recently reconnected with this guy from high school through FB who owns a yoga retreat company in New Mexico.  She didn't really know him that well in high school and it doesn't even seem they were friends but she is trying to start an event planning business so she reached out to him because she thought perhaps she could work with him and schedule some events at his retreat. She also has been having some back issues and mentioned she thought his retreats looked interesting and might help her.  It seems her initial intent when they started talking was to see if she could maybe get a discount on one of his retreats so she could get help with her back issues, and check it out at the same time, but that wasn't going to work for some reason. He ultimately told her she could come stay  there for a few days to check it out when there is no official retreat going on and he is the only one there and she was actually considering doing this which kind of shocked me

This was supposed to be for her business and you took that and warped it into something else. Instead of inhibiting her, encourage her within reason. Considering that you haven't separated and are still living with your wife, what do you hope to come out of this? Do you see yourself moving in with her if this were to pan out? 

Your personal situation is limiting you. How feasible is it for you to move out and live on your own?

The real elephant in the room is that neither of you are in any shape to date and she has been expressly clear she's not in that mindframe.

She only just separated from her spouse so let her rebuild her life and start up her business as she sees fit. Remain a friend but work on yourself first before dating anyone. Distance yourself if you feel that this isn't the right time or appropriate for you right now. 

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, highfrequency1980 said:

my significant other a year earlier but we were, and still are, living together in a roommate situation because we  share a child together and for financial reasons..

yesterday she casually mentioned that she recently reconnected with this guy from high school through FB who owns a yoga retreat company in New Mexico. 

Probably best to stay friends until you sort out your roommate situation.

[d0nnivain]

1 minute ago, glows said:

The real elephant in the room is that neither of you are in any shape to date and she has been expressly clear she's not in that mindframe.

^^^ very true ^^^

 

[highfrequency1980]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

Would you stull want to be friends with her if she says no thanks?  If so, soft pedal your disclosure.  

Start a conversation about the fact that she's thinking about going to see this other guy.  Ask her if she ever thought about "you & her".  You want your facial expression to fill in the blanks.  Disclose that you thought about it but you value the friendship so while you'd be open to the idea you don't want things to be weird so she should forget you said anything if the answer is no.  Then you may need some space because you won't want to hear about the guy in NM

 

 

1 hour ago, glows said:

This was supposed to be for her business and you took that and warped it into something else. Instead of inhibiting her, encourage her within reason. Considering that you haven't separated and are still living with your wife, what do you hope to come out of this? Do you see yourself moving in with her if this were to pan out? 

Your personal situation is limiting you. How feasible is it for you to move out and live on your own?

The real elephant in the room is that neither of you are in any shape to date and she has been expressly clear she's not in that mindframe.

She only just separated from her spouse so let her rebuild her life and start up her business as she sees fit. Remain a friend but work on yourself first before dating anyone. Distance yourself if you feel that this isn't the right time or appropriate for you right now. 

Thanks for the comments because they have really given me some stuff to think about.  But to address some of the questions.

First, I do want  to remain friends with her no matter what but I do I want to have a front row seat to her hooking up with some random dude or hear the details, or innuendo, that this is what went down? Definitely not. So while I think it's extremely unlikely that anything will happen with this guy I still want to be clear of getting any emotional "shrapnel" in the face that I could have avoided.

Secondly, I do support her in her business and my initial sincere concern, based on what she told me, is that she needs to understand his intentions before she  goes up there. I tend to listen to a lot of true crime podcasts, as does she, and going to spend three days, in isolation, with someone you don't know very well is probably not the best idea as a woman. I did check him out, and he looks really legit and like she could probably take him if she needed to;-), but she should be careful. The other thing is that  this really isn't a business trip as much anymore and seems to be more her just wanting to get out of dodge for a few days because she is in a pretty tough spot and there is nothing wrong with this.

Third, neither of us are in any position to engage in a relationship beyond friendship but I also feel like for me not to let her know that I kind of have some feelings and this trip made me feel somethings I didn't expect to might be worth saying. The fact is that  there are people that do get into relationships with other people when they are in all kinds of less than ideal situation - especially now days. So if she does feelings, and I say something, even if she ultimately takes this trip she may have a different perspective on things.. 

 

Edited May 27, 2021 by highfrequency1980

[glows]

It was really up to her to tell you in the first place that she was going to visit her friend. It's only unfortunate because you seemed to discourage her when she was excited about something. I think this is getting too complicated and you're too enmeshed in her personal/professional business. Both of you are already treating each other as an emotional crutch. Friends and extra support during a difficult time like this is so helpful. When you start to trauma-bond and prevent each other from healing and growing in your own independence after separation, that's where things get cloudy. 

Be wary of resentment and discord coming back later on when she realizes that you're preventing her from moving on and living a fulfilling or happy life. Honesty is always best so if you feel you're unable to be a good friend without getting in the way of each other growing your independence, then let her know how you feel. I suspect this friendship will eventually fade as you both develop yourselves and regain your single-dom after separation/divorce. 

If you think you both stand a shot at romance and a fullblown relationship what is there to lose? It's a whole lot more freeing and better to be honest with her and yourself than pretending to be a friend and just getting in the way. 

I've walked the marriage/separation/divorce road so yes, I know relationships come in all kinds of sizes, shapes, colours, textures. Pick something that fosters your emotional and mental health. Take care of you always.

[dramafreezone]

3 hours ago, highfrequency1980 said:

but yesterday she casually mentioned that she recently reconnected with this guy from high school through FB who owns a yoga retreat company in New Mexico.  She didn't really know him that well in high school and it doesn't even seem they were friends but she is trying to start an event planning business so she reached out to him because she thought perhaps she could work with him and schedule some events at his retreat. She also has been having some back issues and mentioned she thought his retreats looked interesting and might help her.  It seems her initial intent when they started talking was to see if she could maybe get a discount on one of his retreats so she could get help with her back issues, and check it out at the same time, but that wasn't going to work for some reason. He ultimately told her she could come stay  there for a few days to check it out when there is no official retreat going on and he is the only one there and she was actually considering doing this which kind of shocked me

 I explained to her that unless he is gay, or in a relationship, he most definitely interested in trying to hook up with her. She was completely stunned by this but I pointed out to her that it would be kind of weird for her to go spend three days,  in the middle of desert, with some guy she barely knows when he doesn't have an active retreat going on. After thinking about it she was kind of like "you know, I think you maybe right." She now seems to be on the fence about going or, at a minimum, just going for a day and then hanging out with a friend who lives about a couple of hours away for the rest of the time. But even though I do think I am correct in my assessment about him, and that she should be careful,  the truth of the matter is that the thought of her going and spending three days alone  some guy she barely knows just "kills" me for a couple of reasons.

First, even though my friend and I do talk, and we have connected quite a bit, it's only been coffee and lunch "dates". I have asked her a few time about going on a hike, to mix things up, as we live in a location where there are lots of places to do this but her business, and her kids, always seem to get in the way. But  now she is seriously considering hopping on a flight, or getting in her car and driving 13 hours, to basically hang out, alone, with this guy she  doesn't really know, and doesn't want to hook up, with for three days when I would just love to spend one whole day with her.  

 

I'm fairly confident that she has at least some romantic interest in this guy.  It may be a small ember but it's there.  I think despite her shock at your analysis of the situation, she knows that this guy may want to hook up with her, and she's going because she may be open to it.   There are yoga studios everywhere now, she doesn't need to drive 13 hours to get to one.  The business talk, her back issues are a cover up, she's interested in him.

Also, I think she has an idea that you're catching feelings for her, and she has none for you (at least romantically).  I think she's downplaying her interest in this guy because she can sense that you don't like it.  I think women are very perceptive about this if they've spent a lot of time with you.  As her friend, you should be happy for her moving forward in her life and finding some happiness.  You don't know anything about this guy and your feelings are starting to cloud your judgment. 

I recommend standing down.  One thing that's never happened is me revealing my feelings for a woman that I pined after and her responding "wow I feel the same way."  I don't think she feels the same way about you or is anywhere close to feeling that way, but if you must live your truth and have to know for certain, tell her how you feel.

Edited May 27, 2021 by dramafreezone

[highfrequency1980]

2 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

'm fairly confident that she has at least some romantic interest in this guy.  It may be a small ember but it's there.  I think despite her shock at your analysis of the situation, she knows that this guy may want to hook up with her, and she's going because she may be open to it.   There are yoga studios everywhere now, she doesn't need to drive 13 hours to get to one.  The business talk, her back issues are a cover up, she's interested in him.

Unfortunately I think you may right and I have already kind of come to the conclusion that "standing down" is probably the best option here. And while it's possible she may be open to hooking up with this guy he is really not in the ball park of her normal type, which definitely includes me, and I just don't see her picking this guy to be her "first" after having been only with her husband for over twenty years. 

One thing I neglected to mention is that we did have a couple of months where we didn't  talk at the end of last year. Up until that point she had been all over me like no female friend had ever been in my life. I don't mean physically so but I mean I was pretty much her "number one" when it came to almost every aspect of my life. Up until that point my wife had never had any issue with her , because of where we are in our situation,  but she started to notice and got pretty irritated with how much my friend was reaching out to me. But last November she backed way off for reasons that I could never quite figure out. I pressed her on it several times but finally I just backed off and gave her space.   At the end of January she literally said she wanted to pick back up with our friendship and she did so with a vengeance.

For like the first few weeks of this she was again all over me, calling me, texting me and wanting  to get together but then that kind of faded. We still communicated every week but it seemed her level of effort hasn't been quite as much since then. She still will ask to hang out once in a while but it's like something has been off and there is a lot of push-pull with her.  Last week was my birthday and she did a post on Facebook expressing, very publicly, that she considered me one of her closest friends and pretty much said she wanted us to be in each others lives until one of us kicks off of this mortal coil.  I was actually a bit caught off guard by this post because she never has posted anything like this for any of her friends, let alone a male friend, before. I mean she was basically declaring, for all of the world to see, including her husband, "yoga guy" and any other male friend she has, that she has a pretty intense friendship with me. While I was appreciative of the fact she did this I just expected a normal "happy birthday" message.

Anyway for now it's stand down time because I know nothing is written in stone and given where we both are things could change. Also, one thing I have considered is that perhaps she feels if  she allows us to keep getting closer, and doesn't expand her horizons, we could end up in a situation which clearly would not go to well given where we both are right now. Going and hooking up with "yoga guy", who is a 13 hour drive away, is certainly less threatening than starting a relationship with a friend of 15 years who lives twenty minutes away with his wife. Also, as to the driving thing, she was initially planning on flying but after I mentioned what he may want she said maybe she should drive so she could leave whenever she wanted so that's kind of my fault. I also  think since she has been at home on lockdown with her two kids and husband, who she can't stand, for the past year a 13 hour car ride probably doesn't seem that bad.

Thanks again for your  thoughts.

 

Edited May 28, 2021 by highfrequency1980

[highfrequency1980]

4 hours ago, glows said:

It was really up to her to tell you in the first place that she was going to visit her friend. It's only unfortunate because you seemed to discourage her when she was excited about something. I think this is getting too complicated and you're too enmeshed in her personal/professional business. Both of you are already treating each other as an emotional crutch. Friends and extra support during a difficult time like this is so helpful. When you start to trauma-bond and prevent each other from healing and growing in your own independence after separation, that's where things get cloudy. 

Be wary of resentment and discord coming back later on when she realizes that you're preventing her from moving on and living a fulfilling or happy life. Honesty is always best so if you feel you're unable to be a good friend without getting in the way of each other growing your independence, then let her know how you feel. I suspect this friendship will eventually fade as you both develop yourselves and regain your single-dom after separation/divorce. 

If you think you both stand a shot at romance and a fullblown relationship what is there to lose? It's a whole lot more freeing and better to be honest with her and yourself than pretending to be a friend and just getting in the way. 

I've walked the marriage/separation/divorce road so yes, I know relationships come in all kinds of sizes, shapes, colours, textures. Pick something that fosters your emotional and mental health. Take care of you always.

You have some great insight which I appreciate.
 

In terms of how this came about it was kind of a decision made on a bit of a whim. My understanding was that she initially said “no” to going without an actual retreat but changed her mind because she wanted a bit of “excitement” and I think she was looking at this more as a solo trip and him just kind of being there.

After I brought up what his intentions might be she realized she probably needed to rethink it because she is not looking to hook up with anyone right now. I actually apologized yesterday for taking the wind out of her sails but she  texted me today, after I did this initial post, to thank me for bringing this up and said she had gotten a bit ahead of herself with this.

I do think I need to take a bit of a step back from her because I still don’t feel like I can be unbiased right now. If she reaches out, and wants to connect, I will probably let her know how I feel but that I do support her going on “adventures”

And while we definitely do have a trauma bond we’ve been friends for a long time and I don’t see either one of us going anywhere regardless of relationship status.  Part of my issue here is that it seems like we keep coming back to each other and it just feels like we are, and I hate this word, “destined” to finish this journey together.

 

[ShyViolet]

Do not tell her you have feelings for her in the context of you being jealous about her going to visit this guy.  Jealousy is not a good look and that's not how you want to approach this.  Sure, go ahead and just sincerely tell her that you have feelings for her, if that's what you want to do, and if you are willing to risk the friendship over it.  Leave talk of this other guy out of it.  

If you do let her know of your feelings, then the ball is in her court.  She'll make her own decision from there.  Honestly I'm not sure what you expect to happen, considering the fact that you still live with your wife.  You're not exactly in much of a position to date.  If she still decides to go visit the guy, keep your feelings about that to yourself.  She is an adult and can make her own decisions, and frankly, if she wants to go see this guy, it's none of your business.  Whether or not you think he is her "type" is irrelevant.  Who are you to decide what her "type" is?  

[Sun Seeker]

There is really only one option here.. you have to tell her your feelings. Otherwise it will eat you inside and make you feel sick when she tells you about her latest hook up with the retreat guy or any other guy. You know what you want - her - so go for it.

What do you really have to lose? Her as a friend? No big deal.

Oh and definitely sort out your own situation. Separated or not, there is NO reason to still be living with your wife. Children, financial, are just excuses. Move out ASAP.

[Wiseman2]

It's probably best to address your living situation.

Living with a GF using the "like roommates" and "for the kids" excuse is as old as the hills.

There's no point telling this woman about your crush when she's recently out of a relationship and you're still in one, albeit unhappily.

[Fletch Lives]

16 hours ago, glows said:

The real elephant in the room is that neither of you are in any shape to date and she has been expressly clear she's not in that mindframe.

Probably. But people want to date, are still going to date, and it's good therapy

You are probably in the freindszone. If there is a chance at getting out, you would have to go for the first kiss.

If it does not work out, date other women. If you have trouble dating others, you might have to ditch the friend.

[dramafreezone]

 

13 hours ago, Punterxx said:

There is really only one option here.. you have to tell her your feelings. Otherwise it will eat you inside and make you feel sick when she tells you about her latest hook up with the retreat guy or any other guy. You know what you want - her - so go for it.

What do you really have to lose? Her as a friend? No big deal.

Oh and definitely sort out your own situation. Separated or not, there is NO reason to still be living with your wife. Children, financial, are just excuses. Move out ASAP.

She knows his feelings if they've been friends for this long.  If she felt the same way she wouldn't be going to see the yoga guy with him right there.

Honestly if she liked him I don't think it would even matter to her if she was unsure of his feelings.  She certainly has no problem maintaining this emotional platonic connection with him.  If she wanted something sexual, she would be pursuing that.

[TrueGuy]

Ok, here's the basic question you have: How do I try and turn a friendship into a romantic relationship?? It's simple and it's also kinda hard, because most guys don't know how to hold back,  be patient, and control their emotions. Now, understand this, she probably doesn't see you in a romantic manner. She probably sees you asexually. Women are like that, we aren't. But, if you are to have even a miniscule chance of turning this lady, and, keep the friendship if it doesn't develop romantically, you're going to have to use a great deal of social skills and develop this slowly. 

Here's how it's done. 

First, keep your mouth shut about how you feel about her. Too many guys think that if they just tell the girl how he feels, this will somehow make her develop the same feelings. It doesn't work that way. So, don't even think about divulging how you feel about her, you'll turn her right off if you do, and you'll lose the friendship. The first thing you have to understand is that a women's feelings grow if and only if, she's already physically attracted to you, and, you get her out on dates, keep things light, fun, humorous, playful, positive and uplifting. Stay of the heavy stuff like: Race, Religion, Politics, Sex Talk, Love Talk, or Vulgarities of any kind; No Insults or Slights of any kind, AND KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF! 

Now, as conduct yourself like this on multiple dates we are looking for specific behaviors from her that indicate romantic attraction. Does she touch your hand or arm when  you say something cute and humorous? Does she laugh at your corny jokes? Do her eyes light up when she is with you? Does she smile when she is around you? Does she help you with conversation. Remember, when women are attracted to you, they help you and don't give you confusing signals. 

Also remember, you have to keep your hands to yourself at all times, and I don't care how much you like this girl. What matters is how much she likes you romantically that determines whether or not this gets off the ground for you two romantically. So, you always wait for the girl to initiate touching, believe me, if a woman is attracted to you she will initiate and escalate the intimacy, you just have to be patient and demonstrate self-control, forever and ever. 

Now, as you ask her out on dates, don't tell her that you want to date her, just ask her out for a specific outing, taker her out, give her a good time, make her smile and feel good and, if she was already physically/romantically attracted to you, her romantic feelings will grow and you'll experience the deeper connection with her that you crave, that all us men crave from the women in our lives. 

Now, if she is consistently showing you the above mentioned signs of romantic attraction, you need to go in for the kiss on the lips(FOR 2 SECONDS) by end of the fifth date, and if she allows it on the lips, you are most likely in like sin. I say most likely because she just might have been surprised by your kiss because you have been friends for so long. But chances are, if she allows it she's probably romantically attracted to you. When you do it, don't touch her with your hands. Once you kiss her on the lips, let it last for no more that two seconds, and you pull away first, and did I say to keep your hands to yourself here? I think I did. Then just say, "I'll see you around maybe," and just walk away to your car and get out of there. 

If she asks you to come in her house, you don't go in. You just say, "Not tonight, I've got be somewhere else." Don't tell her where, just go. My rule is that you don't go into each other's houses until your are officially boyfriend and girlfriend, and there's no exceptions here, even though you are both friends and you've probably been inside her place a couple thousand times. You are demonstrating self-control and being hard to get, which are both extremely attractive to women, regardless of race, creed, or color. 

Finally, lay off the contact between dates. Too many guys text and want to have phone conversations with the women of their desire and it makes them seem like needy, desperate, staking, creepy jerks. Again, show self-control and be hard to get between dates and her romantic attraction will grow, if she was already physically attracted to you. Lastly, no more that one date per week until she is officially your girlfriend, then you can bump it up to two dates per week, but no more. You are going to have to learn to playfully push her away and stall her off, as this kind of behavior will only serve to make her more attracted to you, if she is a healthy normal lady. 

I have much more to say here but I don't want to be a total talking head today. 

Good luck and keep us posted as you do this so the other people here can learn this stuff. 

[dramafreezone]

2 hours ago, TrueGuy said:

 

First, keep your mouth shut about how you feel about her. Too many guys think that if they just tell the girl how he feels, this will somehow make her develop the same feelings. It doesn't work that way. So, don't even think about divulging how you feel about her, you'll turn her right off if you do, and you'll lose the friendship. The first thing you have to understand is that a women's feelings grow if and only if, she's already physically attracted to you,

Well we can stop right there.  She's not physically attracted to him or else she wouldn't be talking about driving to hook up with yoga guy right in front of him.

All of that strategy would be better employed on someone that actually wants to go out with him.

[highfrequency1980]

Wow lots of interesting feedback and assumptions being made here. Also, I sense some didn’t read my full comments.

First she is still married and lives with her husband, and kids as well. They actually have a vacation planned at the beginning of July. So neither of us have been in a position to do anything and in fact she has made a point of emphasizing how she has no desire to date, or get involved with anyone until her and her husband separate physically.

Secondly, this isn’t a woman I just met and we have been friends for many years and no one has ever been “friend zoned.” The “friend zone” implies someone made a move got rejected and was told “let’s just be friends”. She was already with her husband.when I met her and I was dating multiple women at the time. I even brought my wife, who was my girlfriend at the time, to her wedding. So there is no history of a failed hook up here. The fact is that none of these feeling arose until we started spending all of this time together.

Third,  she was the one who pushed very hard when we started getting close  to the point, as I mentioned, that my wife actually said something about it because she could tell it was starting to get into a zone that was outside of normal friendship. And my wife, no matter how she felt about me, didn’t appreciate another women making flirtatious comments on my social media posts.

As to why this has never progressed beyond a strong emotional connection let’s think about this. We both are still married and live with our respective spouses and kids. The emotional connection has made this complicated enough but if this escalated to physical a tough situation becomes a cluster f*** of a nightmare for everyone.
 

Divorce, and separation, can be ugly with no third-party involved but you add someone else into the mix and your divorce becomes a living hell not to mention causing issues with custody and making a spouse that might have been reasonable fight you on everything. Finally the chances of anything working out long term when you hook up with someone where we are both at are minuscule. So in addition to complicating the hell out of both of our lives we would end up losing a long term friendship and the possibility of exploring something more when we’re both in a better place.
 

Fourth, it’s perfectly possible she does want to hook up with this dude but I think the reason she mentioned the trip is because she had a bit of an epiphany and decided to go without giving a lot of  reflection. She literally had not thought about the fact this guy might have  expectations. I think she actually believed she was going to head out there, have this guy show around but basically have a whole bunch of private time. She mentioned the property is 80 acres.
 

Like I said, my friend is a bit naive and tends to take people at face value. That’s why I brought the issue of his intentions  because I could literally see her heading out there and s*** getting weird real quick when this guy makes a move. She then finds herself trapped in New Mexico with this dude and feeling anxious and stressed which I know she would. I’m not, by the way, saying this guy is bad it’s just that being a man I know how we tend to think.

And in terms of her knowing how I feel and being afraid to tell me this is  hook up for her well that doesn’t make any sense. For one thing we already have a strong emotional connection and we both have made it clear how we feel about each other. Basically, unless I were to flat out say I’m in love her she probably doesn’t know which is why I thought I might need to say something.

But after reading the comments, and reflection, I think I just need to advise her to be careful and just let things play out how the way they are going to play out. I don’t think shes leaving my life and I don’t think I’m leaving her life anytime soon either.