ScaredNAnxious83 Posted May 27, 2021 Share Posted May 27, 2021 I told my husband I wanted a separation- we were at each other’s necks and just not getting a long! I’ve been through so much trauma in my childhood - all I could think about is leaving - now that it’s been two months separated- And I want my family back I want my husband back - even in the beginning when when I said I wanted a separation he said “stay and we work on it or if u leave I’m divorcing u”. But I’ve been very clear I wanted to come back! he acts like I don’t exist ! After 10 years he is very unclear - very up and down - I’m just lost and I want my married life back. Any one had experience this before ? Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted May 27, 2021 Share Posted May 27, 2021 But if you go back, what's the likelihood of being at each others' necks again and not getting along? 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScaredNAnxious83 Posted May 27, 2021 Author Share Posted May 27, 2021 I’m actually seeing a therapist and I see that I projected a lot of my OWN unhappiness on to him and that I was really controlling when it came to trust issues. I’ve been doing a lot of the inner work Ans I see we both triggered each other! But I don’t know what he is working on accept for 3 times he apologized to me (he never did that at allll he was very prideful) but he just really hides from me! No closure no communication- so I’m Over here working on my self and not a peep from him! he does say he feels unsafe and when I do apologize for when I gain a stronger insight on my past behavior he says thank you ! And accepts but just doesn’t say much back ! so I know what I have healed from and let go to not to be at his neck Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted May 27, 2021 Share Posted May 27, 2021 When you say he is unclear or up/down, is that in response to the way you treated him in the past? Normally if one person wants a divorce, it's best to respect that. You maybe getting your heart broken all over again if you try to push too hard to reconcile. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted May 28, 2021 Share Posted May 28, 2021 15 minutes ago, ScaredNAnxious83 said: now that it’s been two months separated- And I want my family back I want my husband back - even in the beginning when when I said I wanted a separation he said “stay and we work on it or if u leave I’m divorcing u”. But I’ve been very clear I wanted to come back! I'm guessing that you leaving was a serious blow. You may not have meant it, but that probably doesn't change much from his perspective. If you were just trying to get the upper hand, you overestimated what the effect would be. You've heard the old saying, "happy wife, happy life," right? Well that's true. Men just want to live in peace with a woman who appreciates them. I hope you manage to get back together and that you will approach it differently. Good luck. Sorry I don't have any fix-it advice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alfano Posted May 28, 2021 Share Posted May 28, 2021 I'm in a similar situation. We got to the point where we were both easily triggered by the words and the actions of the other. I moved out, I felt I did all the heavy lifting, she acted like I'm the one who has to do all the changing, she felt that other than being a bit controlling at times and not sharing what was bothering her were the only changes she needed to make. I know I can't go back to her until and unless she accepts her share of the responsibility of the demise of the relationship and makes a conscious effort to work on herself. I don't think that's going to happen and I accept that it's probably over. We were together 9 years, never married. I moved out 3 months ago but there's been a lot of breaking up and reconciling during this very rocky time. You can't fix things singlehandedly unless it's truly all your fault and I doubt that it is. In retrospect leaving might have been the death knoll to your relationship but perhaps it was necessary and things would have fallen apart anyway. As things currently stand you can't go back- he'll hold all the power and be validated and you'll be fighting an uphill battle. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alfano Posted May 28, 2021 Share Posted May 28, 2021 If divorce is going to happen then you do need to move back home, for strategic reasons. Generally if one party has sole occupancy of the marital residence they have a huge negotiating edge but if there are no children, not much in the way of assets and the marital home is a rental this may not apply. A competent attorney can best advice on this, however the longer you stay away the stronger his case will be that you left voluntarily and have established alternate residence. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScaredNAnxious83 Posted May 28, 2021 Author Share Posted May 28, 2021 8 minutes ago, Alfano said: I'm in a similar situation. We got to the point where we were both easily triggered by the words and the actions of the other. I moved out, I felt I did all the heavy lifting, she acted like I'm the one who has to do all the changing, she felt that other than being a bit controlling at times and not sharing what was bothering her were the only changes she needed to make. I know I can't go back to her until and unless she accepts her share of the responsibility of the demise of the relationship and makes a conscious effort to work on herself. I don't think that's going to happen and I accept that it's probably over. We were together 9 years, never married. I moved out 3 months ago but there's been a lot of breaking up and reconciling during this very rocky time. You can't fix things singlehandedly unless it's truly all your fault and I doubt that it is. In retrospect leaving might have been the death knoll to your relationship but perhaps it was necessary and things would have fallen apart anyway. As things currently stand you can't go back- he'll hold all the power and be validated and you'll be fighting an uphill battle. That’s exactly what we were going through !!! I’ve always said he had to change more than me- and per the last comment I did leave to “teach him a lesson” because he was so checked out and made me feel like any issues I brought up “was in my head” - we rarely could come to resolutions these past 6 months. During the time I was looking for a place he showed me no vulnerability but he cried to friends and family but never me! That’s all I wanted. I know moving here has put me in a better mind set to change a lot of my triggered toxic behavior! We both were equally damaging - the only resolution he had was a ultimatum! It makes me sad because I know I can’t move back right away that he has to want to do the work - I just miss us- I’m lost Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScaredNAnxious83 Posted May 28, 2021 Author Share Posted May 28, 2021 3 minutes ago, Alfano said: If divorce is going to happen then you do need to move back home, for strategic reasons. Generally if one party has sole occupancy of the marital residence they have a huge negotiating edge but if there are no children, not much in the way of assets and the marital home is a rental this may not apply. A competent attorney can best advice on this, however the longer you stay away the stronger his case will be that you left voluntarily and have established alternate residence. We just rent. And we have 1 child together. I’m respecting his boundaries and I just told him I’m going to continue to focus on my therapy And do the work. When I spoke with my therapist - she said he maybe hypo aroused and those type fall back and disconnect and disassociate. And all I can do is be hopeful and pray and respect boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScaredNAnxious83 Posted May 28, 2021 Author Share Posted May 28, 2021 30 minutes ago, salparadise said: I'm guessing that you leaving was a serious blow. You may not have meant it, but that probably doesn't change much from his perspective. If you were just trying to get the upper hand, you overestimated what the effect would be. You've heard the old saying, "happy wife, happy life," right? Well that's true. Men just want to live in peace with a woman who appreciates them. I hope you manage to get back together and that you will approach it differently. Good luck. Sorry I don't have any fix-it advice. Thank you ! And yes I appreciate the feedback ! Link to post Share on other sites
Alfano Posted May 28, 2021 Share Posted May 28, 2021 Start focusing on other things besides him. Friends, hobbies, whatever. The shift in thinking is slow, sort of like moving a barge that is slowly lumbering in one direction. Small steps will turn into big ones over time. He might realize he's losing you for good and be motivated to work on things. But don't get me wrong- it's a longshot at best that things will improve significantly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScaredNAnxious83 Posted May 28, 2021 Author Share Posted May 28, 2021 3 minutes ago, Alfano said: Start focusing on other things besides him. Friends, hobbies, whatever. The shift in thinking is slow, sort of like moving a barge that is slowly lumbering in one direction. Small steps will turn into big ones over time. He might realize he's losing you for good and be motivated to work on things. But don't get me wrong- it's a longshot at best that things will improve significantly. Yeah I got a second job because when I don’t have the kids I’m like meh!!!! All we had was couple friends - And I live in a small city ! I’m off alL social media. I pretty much Gave up everything our life pretty much was kids sports and traveling. So this is sooooo new!!!! But I agree with your advice Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScaredNAnxious83 Posted May 28, 2021 Author Share Posted May 28, 2021 48 minutes ago, glows said: When you say he is unclear or up/down, is that in response to the way you treated him in the past? Normally if one person wants a divorce, it's best to respect that. You maybe getting your heart broken all over again if you try to push too hard to reconcile. No not really - for an example we both did a pro se divorce - he begged me every day to sign it - so I went and signed it but then he was so sad almost in tears signing it and watched me walk away - there is a program we both have to take in order for the judge to sign off on the divorce to get it finalized “he has not taken the course “ - so it’s like wtf , I gave him back the rings and then he gave them back to me - he text me he wants a divorce but no follow through - i tell him I respect him - but then he finds way to communicate with me - he tells the kids he misses me - finds ways to bring things to my house but he is very cold - so I’m not really forcing anything - I’m in my head more then I’m trying to do anything. This what I mean by unclear!!! Ugh Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted May 28, 2021 Share Posted May 28, 2021 46 minutes ago, ScaredNAnxious83 said: No not really - for an example we both did a pro se divorce - he begged me every day to sign it - so I went and signed it but then he was so sad almost in tears signing it and watched me walk away - there is a program we both have to take in order for the judge to sign off on the divorce to get it finalized “he has not taken the course “ - so it’s like wtf , I gave him back the rings and then he gave them back to me - he text me he wants a divorce but no follow through - i tell him I respect him - but then he finds way to communicate with me - he tells the kids he misses me - finds ways to bring things to my house but he is very cold - so I’m not really forcing anything - I’m in my head more then I’m trying to do anything. This what I mean by unclear!!! Ugh You said you don't want the divorce so biding your time is all you can do since the divorce is not finalized until he does this course. Surely there is a timeline involved or limitation period. If he wants the divorce and he doesn't do this course, you both don't get divorced, period. You stay separated indefinitely and in limbo until one of you wants to start the process all over again. If you want clarity, you will have to find it on your own and make a decision whether you're willing to wait and for how long. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 28, 2021 Share Posted May 28, 2021 9 hours ago, ScaredNAnxious83 said: I said I wanted a separation he said “stay and we work on it or if u leave I’m divorcing u”. After 10 years he is very unclear - Unfortunately he was crystal clear and plain as day about your separation. You took off and he appropriately and logically will file for divorce. It seems you are up and down if you are running away with the intention of going back. Be smart. Get a good attorney. Surely he's already spoken to one. Get your ducks in a row. You initiated the process so now you have to deal with it. . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 28, 2021 Share Posted May 28, 2021 You may have been unhappy & "triggered" but you are the one who left. You don't fix what's wrong in a relationship by leaving. You stay & work together. In essence you abandoned your husband so now he doesn't trust you. It's why he said he feels unsafe. To protect himself he moved forward toward the divorce he doesn't really want but thinks he has to go through with so you don't keep hurting him. He's afraid to believe in you personally or in the two of you as a couple. Then you signed the divorce papers & took whatever class this is. By all of your actions your STBXH genuinely believes you want out. Can you blame him? What action in here tells him that you unequivocally love him & want to fight to save your marriage? Where in here have you put him first? If you really don't want this & you want to work on your marriage you need to ask him what steps he would need from you to even consider trusting you again & being willing to work on your marriage. Then you best give him what he's asking for. He may say nothing. You may have hurt him so deeply that he has zero ability to get past the abandonment to try again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted May 28, 2021 Share Posted May 28, 2021 I fell the same way @d0nnivain. You can't work on anything when you leave. And your SO told you that he was done if you left. And... you did. If he wants a D... then just give it to him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted May 28, 2021 Share Posted May 28, 2021 It's good that you are going to counseling. That will help you the most. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 28, 2021 Share Posted May 28, 2021 Would your husband be willing to attend marriage counselling? Or is he truly done? Link to post Share on other sites
dramafreezone Posted May 29, 2021 Share Posted May 29, 2021 (edited) On 5/27/2021 at 4:31 PM, ScaredNAnxious83 said: I told my husband I wanted a separation- we were at each other’s necks and just not getting a long! I’ve been through so much trauma in my childhood - all I could think about is leaving - now that it’s been two months separated- And I want my family back I want my husband back - even in the beginning when when I said I wanted a separation he said “stay and we work on it or if u leave I’m divorcing u”. But I’ve been very clear I wanted to come back! he acts like I don’t exist ! After 10 years he is very unclear - very up and down - I’m just lost and I want my married life back. Any one had experience this before ? Think about it from his point of view. You left when things got tough and then he's supposed to just accept you back? What assurances does he have that you're not going to pull the same thing in 2 months, and over and over and over? Just seems to me that you're focused on what you want. "I wanted a separation, I've been through so much trauma, I want my family back, I've been clear I want to come back, he acts like I don't exist." Marriage is supposed to mean that it's not about you anymore. Really its about that child you have together. This is what the child is learning, that leaving when things get tough is a viable option. Did you think about the child when you were leaving and what affect it would have on him/her? Edited May 29, 2021 by dramafreezone Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted May 29, 2021 Share Posted May 29, 2021 On 5/27/2021 at 4:31 PM, ScaredNAnxious83 said: I told my husband I wanted a separation- we were at each other’s necks and just not getting a long! I’ve been through so much trauma in my childhood - all I could think about is leaving - now that it’s been two months separated- And I want my family back I want my husband back - even in the beginning when when I said I wanted a separation he said “stay and we work on it or if u leave I’m divorcing u”. But I’ve been very clear I wanted to come back! he acts like I don’t exist ! After 10 years he is very unclear - very up and down - I’m just lost and I want my married life back. Any one had experience this before ? He has been perfectly clear. he said he would divorce you if you left. you left. why are you thinking he’s been unclear? you should believe a man when he says things that clearly. plan for divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted May 29, 2021 Share Posted May 29, 2021 What did you do to work through your trauma? do you feel that you have resolved all of that now? Link to post Share on other sites
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