I sexted my ex-girlfriend. Lots of guilt.

[Current Jumpstart]

This is long I’m sorry..
 

Some background..

 

My girlfriend (27) and I (31) have been together for a year and three months. We just got engaged last month. Everything has been going really well with us except for minor issues like a work really long hours and she would like to see me more. She does have some issues because her ex was sexually abusive to her. She’s in therapy. We have good sex it’s just not as exciting as I wish it would be.But I’m willing to stick it out with her. Because I love her. She’s smart she’s educated she has a masters degree and she’s very articulate and just a beautiful person all around. Probably more than I deserve.

 

My ex girlfriend from six years ago (31). Who is a complete dumpster fire. Has a police record. Been arrested multiple times. Who is a marijuana and meth user.  Who is on the welfare system . Not ever looking to get off . Who has three children by three different men. None of which are mine. I don’t have any children yet. Who jumps from man to man. I helped and supported her and her children when we were together. She decided to break up with me because I I believed in God. The real truth is she had met someone else.

for some reason I still have feelings for this woman still even though she is a lying manipulative cheater. I think it’s because she was my first. I lost my virginity when I was 25. To be clear there is no way I would ever even think about going back to her. It’s never even been a consideration
 

What happened...

So my ex messaged me out of the blue on Facebook. She told me that her made her watch him have relations with another man, and he kicked her out. She told me she was staying with her mom now. ( which was a lie she was still with her boyfriend) she had made a fake Facebook page to contact me with and I’m guessing other men behind her boyfriends back . She also told me that she is suicidal. So I felt sorry for her. She asked me about my job. She also asked me if I would come visit her. And where I was living. I’ve moved out of my home state where she lives. Long story short we started connecting.

She asked me Initially what my situation was.  Relationship wise, I told her that I am engaged, but we were having some issues because my job has very long hours and we don’t get to see each other except on the weekends. She then told me that she missed her body and my body, and that she still loved me.

 In the end we ended up Sexting. I had a really amazing sex life with my ex. But I relationship was hell and very stressful.

She sent me some neck up photos. I sent her some shirtless photos and some photos of me in my uniform.

I feel really guilty about it. So I told my fiancé after I deleted all the messages that I sent back-and-forth with my ex. Because, I knew my fiancé would ask about them and I didn’t want her to see the horrible thing that I did. She was pretty devastated. She gave her e-ring back. She is the most calm person and understanding person. We sat and had a conversation about it.
To be honest it lasted all night. She ended up sleeping over at my house hand we worked  things out. She had a lot of questions, and I really damaged our relationship. Hurt her badly. We are still together. I am going to jump through as many hoops as possible to keep this woman in my life because I can’t be without her.

I guess my question is I’m not really sure why I did it?

this other woman doesn’t mean anything she’s a complete mess, and my fiancé is a complete angel, honest loving and understanding. I’ve never done anything like this before. I’ve never stepped out on any of my exes. And here I have this beautiful sweet hard-working  woman, and I did this I don’t understand why??

She’s literally a woman of opportunity. Her relationship with her boyfriend/fiancé isn’t doing good because he apparently cheats on her. I think she was just looking for a soft place to land to help take care of her children, and I was on the shortlist. I feel like a fool.. 
 

sorry this was very long-winded I kind a needed to get it off my chest and I’m looking just for some feedback. I understand it’ll probably be harsh.

Thank you.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, Current Jumpstart said:

My ex girlfriend from six years ago (31). Who is a complete dumpster fire. Has a police record. Been arrested multiple times. Who is a marijuana and meth user.  Who is on the welfare system . Not ever looking to get off . Who has three children by three different men. None of which are mine. 

 The obvious thing is to delete and  block her from all messaging apps. The less obvious thing is the return to risky carefree crazy youth right before settling down with the right woman. 

You came clean, salvaged your relationship, have insight. Ok so like the straight up guy at the bachelor party acts like an ass. It happens. Don't dig to deep for all sorts of madonna-whore complexes etc., etc. 

Just turn it around and stay the course. 

[BaileyB]

19 hours ago, Current Jumpstart said:

I told my fiancé after I deleted all the messages that I sent back-and-forth with my ex. Because, I knew my fiancé would ask about them and I didn’t want her to see the horrible thing that I did. She was pretty devastated. She gave her e-ring back. She had a lot of questions, and I really damaged our relationship. Hurt her badly.

Well, good on you for being honest with your fiancé. 

That said, she was sexually abused by her previous partner and you have now broken her trust by behaving very inappropriately with your exgirlfriend. You should feel badly, this doesn’t just hurt her and damage your relationship - this is damaging to her as a person. 

Do not be surprised if she takes some time to process this and ends your relationship. There is more than one red flag here that this relationship with not go the distance - you got engaged quickly, you have now essentially cheated on her, and your relationship is already strained by challenges related to work/life balance and sex. 

Further to your question about why you did this - you tell us? Was it because your sex life is lacking and your exgirlfriend offered something you were missing? Do you really have such poor self control? Are you the person to go looking outside the relationship for happiness when things are tough - ie. the sex gets boring or work is affecting the time spent together? It could be any number of things - you will need to discover why you are attracted to this kind of drama (both the person and the rather self destructive decision to sext with your ex) if you want to have a happy and healthy relationship. Just my thought. 

Edited May 29, 2021 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

You did it because you could.
You knew that this sweet, kind, understanding, hard working, calm woman would forgive you..

You did it to get back at her for not giving you the exciting sex you want.
Your head is logically telling you you are on to a good thing with her, but your body and soul are rebelling...

[BaileyB]

43 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

You did it because you could.
You knew that this sweet, kind, understanding, hard working, calm woman would forgive you..

Probably very true. But, at what cost to the woman herself? 
Let’s hope she has learned something about healthy relationship boundaries in her therapy...

[amerikajin]

I personally don't know if you needed to come clean, but the fact that you did was, in a way, admirable. 

It seems to me like you're having some hesitation in terms of commitment to your fiancee (ex-fiancee?). As painful as a breakup would be, it's better if it happens now than if it were to happen once you get kids, in-laws, property, and lawyers involved.

[amerikajin]

On 5/28/2021 at 4:15 PM, Wiseman2 said:

 The obvious thing is to delete and  block her from all messaging apps. The less obvious thing is the return to risky carefree crazy youth right before settling down with the right woman. 

You came clean, salvaged your relationship, have insight. Ok so like the straight up guy at the bachelor party acts like an ass. It happens. Don't dig to deep for all sorts of madonna-whore complexes etc., etc. 

Just turn it around and stay the course. 

It doesn't just 'happen' though. There's a reason it happened and he needs to think about why.

[Not So Sad II]

This actually happened to my friend.  Her fiance, whom she was due to marry a few months later, cheated on her with his ex, who was a drug addict unemployed single mom.  Not the most attractive lady either.  A bit more excessive than what you did, but anyway, he got her pregnant.  Then he admitted to sexting her before it got to this stage.  He now has a kid with the drug addict lady and is in some form of ongoing sexual relationship with her, but they don't live together because drug addict lady wants her full state benefits as well as the money he gives her. 

She got the impression that her ex was getting a kick out of "being honest" and trying to control the situation, she saw right through it and left.  They had a house together, it was sold and she ended up changing jobs to move to another city.

You're quite critical of your current girlfriend, whereas a man in love wouldn't really comment on the satisfactoriness or not of the sex.  You repeatedly mention her job, so it might just be that you're one of those men who is mainly attracted to very needy women and cannot cope well with economically independent ones.  Or you might have some sort of base attraction to not very desirable women.  You're also very critical of the other woman, but its you who is really displaying the worst character traits and behaviour out of everyone here.  Some people do this to push the boundaries of the other person they're dating, so they can say "Well, its just like the last time I cheated, you know what I'm like, look at me, I might be a cheat but I'm honest".

Personally I don't think its honest at all, I think its manipulative.  I think you'll end up splitting up as hopefully your current girlfriend will develop the backbone not to put up with being treated in this way.

[Current Jumpstart]

On 6/1/2021 at 3:30 AM, Not So Sad II said:

This actually happened to my friend.  Her fiance, whom she was due to marry a few months later, cheated on her with his ex, who was a drug addict unemployed single mom.  Not the most attractive lady either.  A bit more excessive than what you did, but anyway, he got her pregnant.  Then he admitted to sexting her before it got to this stage.  He now has a kid with the drug addict lady and is in some form of ongoing sexual relationship with her, but they don't live together because drug addict lady wants her full state benefits as well as the money he gives her. 

She got the impression that her ex was getting a kick out of "being honest" and trying to control the situation, she saw right through it and left.  They had a house together, it was sold and she ended up changing jobs to move to another city.

You're quite critical of your current girlfriend, whereas a man in love wouldn't really comment on the satisfactoriness or not of the sex.  You repeatedly mention her job, so it might just be that you're one of those men who is mainly attracted to very needy women and cannot cope well with economically independent ones.  Or you might have some sort of base attraction to not very desirable women.  You're also very critical of the other woman, but its you who is really displaying the worst character traits and behaviour out of everyone here.  Some people do this to push the boundaries of the other person they're dating, so they can say "Well, its just like the last time I cheated, you know what I'm like, look at me, I might be a cheat but I'm honest".

Personally I don't think its honest at all, I think its manipulative.  I think you'll end up splitting up as hopefully your current girlfriend will develop the backbone not to put up with being treated in this way.

I appreciate your point of you, but I love my fiancé. I wasn’t being critical of her I was just pointing out that she had some struggles from being with a man that beat on her in her previous relationship.

she was actually about to leave me, but she gave me the opportunity to continually try to prove to her how much I love her and how I want to make this work Period

I surprised her and took her to the jewelry store I spent $5000 and I bought her a diamond necklace and a bangle diamond bracelet. To be honest I’ll do anything at this point to keep her. I even offered to buy her a new car. She declined.
 

As far is it escalating to something more with my ex girlfriend from six years ago. I would never even think about sleeping with her. I sexted her. I was stupid. I am most lost the best thing that has ever happened to me. There’s no way I’m going to make that mistake again.