Why do I feel guilt mixed with feeling betrayed?

[triple_spice]

Hello,

I have very mixed feelings. This is anger at myself for the situation, aversion to your wife (physical and mental). And sadness, great sadness, combined with a slight relief, I don't know why.

It is all of betrayal (at my point of view)- I am the least angry with that person. The third person. 

But I have to make a very brief introduction word (and this is only my point of view - it may to be the opposite in reality).

I have met my wife several years ago. I have to admit that it was beggining of my alcoholism. So i have had courage at meet with her after couple of talks).
I think we liked talking together, be together back than. And we were attracted sexually to each other.
At that time wife told me she is complete single after 3 relantionships (not in a row ofcourse), and last one was ended half year before we have met. 
She was living in her own flat alone. So she said she met trough this time of six monts intresting men on the net.

Later it turned out that they were living at her flat for a week or weekend, depending if they have to stay then in the city. I thought ok, back then. I also used to have female friends (only i am not living at their home's, flats etc - but i thought that maybe i also live in another city).

That is what i thought. They were in need of free space for couple days, so they asked her. 

Additionally, now my wife, and then a potential dating girl, explained to me that one was too young for her, the other too strange - because she was obsessed with conspiracy theories - but you can laugh sometimes and nine feels lonely at home when she comes home from work.

I felt a bit jealous, but when I had the opportunity to meet them, in fact I found that one is younger than her by 4-5 years and the other likes BDSM and world conspiracies, so I have nothing to be jealous about because we were not together and then when we lived as a couple, no one stayed with us anymore.

It was the most sexually intense experience I had in any relationship. We did everything (of course, without too much weirdness and without third parties i mean people). We could make love all day. One thing, she has told me that "almost" never have perform oral sex to the men. It is one of my fetishes. And it was the best i have ever had. It was and still is and probably seem to most intese for a long time, loving, relationship. 
She cared much we have good relationship including sex. At least I feel it that way
We have created our own "vocabluray", "our sexual phrases", they were speicific but hot.

Now for a moment the worst stage of alcoholism in my life has begun. I have never hit her etc but living with an alcoholic is a nightmare. You don't know if he'll be coming home. When he comes home, will he have any more money left, is he alive etc. It must have been the hell for her and i know i am resposible. My alcoholism - which is already cured, let's say. Because my disease is a disease for life. I never cheated on her while drunk. I liked getting drunk alone and feeling sorry for myself. It wasn't social drinking.

There is a concept of Othello's syndrome in alcohol therapy. Where the addicted person felt very much about the betrayal. So when I found out on her phone that some guy was writing to her saying that he was thanking him for contact, she was texting him so I thought, plus she came back a little later from work, I took for a betrayal and made a fuss. Later, I found out that she enjoyed watching a lot of BDSM porn. We all watch porn - so it's a normal thing. But I combined this porn viewing with this guy who lived with her supposedly for the weekends. Another brawl. Later, sobering up, I apologized, I had a physical and moral hangover.

Despite all of this she stayed with me. Ofcourse there no sexual relationship between us. It has start to changing slowly when  i finished my alcohol therapy.

Sex was not so great anymore, but it was quite good, sometimes she gave me more than i deserved (in my opinion i took more than i gave from myself).

In between we got married. We were having our small buisness. Earnings was low to middle.  But It is mostly done on the net so  there is no need to be ready for next client or so.
And at some point i got better job. It require me to travel at least 2 hours (both way) and 8-9 hours of work but i earned enough to be financially independed for both of us.. We have decided she will take care of small buisness and stay home. 
The sex and intimacy aspect went away after that. She said me she feels alone. The matter of fact is that i sometimes stay additional hours in that place because of free gym and swimming place.

And we lived like this for 3 years. When my contract was ending. 

During that time she confessed me that she dont like idea of women giving oral sex and at the begging she was doing only because i wanted it so bad and she wanted me to be happy.
I felt terrible (almost like rapist - in my eyes).

And we have stopped having any intimacy, no sex, later even we barely talk.
She says, she feels lonely (we took common holidays toghether tghough - but only for couple days in month)

My contract ended and i was at home for two months, swichhing the job, COVID-19. I didnt feel anything, more i have seen she is mad at me, answers me in yes/no way). I have started new job. I work less, travel less.. so i am home earlier than i used to be.

But we did not have not only sexual contact we bearly were talking to each other. 
4 years after marriage, we have like 10 times sex (in this 4 years), and for two years any. Complete sexlesss marriage.

Today i have found on her phone on whatssap very intense and long long perverted conversation. He sent her pics of his penis etc. She replied him back with "our phrases", "only our words. I could not read this because i was about to vomit. 
I was sensing there is something not ok, because she often left home to talk with "female friend" or mom as she explained very often for 5-10 minutes.
I have read only few lines (but there is huge conversation) about the way she describes how she would performed oral sex to him.

She strted with attacing me, but soon, very soon she started to cry it is because she feels lonely. 
The truth is, I don't know if they met (apparently not she says), but I didn't want to listen. I wanted to leave home. She started to cry. Ask me to stay. I tell her that I have to go to work. She wanted me to stay or she will go with me and wait 5 hours in car.

Think of these texts as she commented on his pics of his penis and what she's going to do, it was and still is make throw up. 
I feel betrayed. 
I told her that probally will want divorce. I and we can even split money. She said she do not want any money with tears.

But on the other hand she was the one who lived me in my advanced alcoholism (she was working additionally), and she is the one tried to make go to the therapy. And she succed i do not drink anymore. It makes me guilty i want divorce. 
But after they have told me about Ottelo syndorome, i have stop checking anything. I have trusted her. 

I dont know what to do. I know when i will divorce with her it will be terrible time for both of us. But the only thought i have in my head is slight disgust, complete oblivion to her appearance. She stopped attracting me automatically. Even the thought of having sex with her won't go through my head anymore, but on the other hand, I feel grateful for help in recovering from alcoholism.

Although I don't know what happened between them, how many I haven't discovered in recent years.
Maybe she hided something when we become sexless marriage? 

I am in high emotions, and would ask you for any advice, what rationally i should do?

 

Edited May 28, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed duplicate content

[triple_spice]

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I am not native enghlish speaker, I am influenced by strong emotions... so i know there is plenty of grammar and spelling mistakes. If something here is something is incomprehensible, i will try to tell in oother words. 

Edited May 28, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed formatting problem mentioned by OP