He made me love him...

[luvtoto]

Hello everybody!

 

I am a single mother of two. I have been divorced since 1997. Since then, I've had a couple serious relationships that caused me a lot of pain. One was a cheater other a committment phobic. My kids got hurt, too.

 

After the last heartache, I decided to just be alone. Hell, it seemed a better way to live. I used to be able to love with all my heart...now, I just feel love-less. But, I just live day to day. I have a good life...good job, great kids & caring friends.

 

That's where Tom comes in the picture. Tom and I became best friends a year ago about this time of year. Initially, when we first met, I was nursing a broken-heart not sure about a relationship. We spent everyday talking on the phone for hours. He pursued the hell out of me.

 

After we first met in person, he told me and I quote "I'm here now...your search is over. I will take care of you." I, like a dumb-ass, was scared. I immediately thought the worst. I told him that beings he was going through a divorce, that I didn't want to be his "rebound". They were were married for 19 YEARS with two kids! He needed time to heal.

 

Anyways, we still talk everyday. We are attracted to each other and there is lots of chemistry. I have a folder in my email with all his letters...I must have at least 400 emails from him. Plus, countless hours on the phone. He said that one month, he had a $80 phone call to me. That was just one call. He has become quite close to my kids. My daughter loves him! We've got together a couple times. He even showed up to see my daughter in the hospital. Went to see his son race motocross. He even invited my kids to come with me. Most of my boyfriends, only wanted me...not my kids.

 

We have seemed to heal lots of insecurities in both of us. We are very good for each other. We will flirt alot...build each other up...but, nothing more. Well, when we would get together to see each other, we've kissed a couple times. Ain't gonna lie. Ha. But, all and all...we've kept our feelings hidden.

 

A couple months ago, I called him crying about an issue with my daughter...something that I was worried about. I was in tears...Tom just listened...then, all of a sudden he opened up. He told me that he wished he was closer to us (2 hour distance). He wanted me to move to where he lives...he said that he has a big enough house, and I could move there...he said that he has more feelings for me than has had for his x-wife in along time...there was a guy friend of his at work that knows all about me, cause he can't stop talking about me...I had an emergency at the hospital one night...and he came to my rescue. I just told him that I couldn't uproot my kids like that.

 

But, needless to say, I fell in love with him. Plain and simple. I believed what he was saying to me. It felt safe to love again. I got that feeling in my heart that has been numb and dormant for so long. I feel like he made me love him.

 

I told him how I felt a couple weeks later, that I wanted to start dating. He then replied in an email that he wasn't in the mood for a gf right now. He just can't explain why. He said he's having too much fun being single right now in his life. He spends his weekends doing everything from boating, motocross, spending time with his kids, & friends. I'm almost jealous, but I wish him the best.

 

I can't help feeling rejected though. What the hell just happened here?!

 

Any insight is welcome!

 

LuvToto

[totallyhipgirl]

I myself am confused of your situation. He seemed very interested in pursuing something more than friendship, and for quite some time. I don't understand how he could just decide that he prefers the single life and isnt *in the mood* for a gf right now. It could be that whole mystery of how we want something until its available for us. We want what we cant have, and when its there, the want for it isn't as strong. I hope it all works out for you

[luvtoto]

Well, I told him a few weeks ago that it seems the more we talk the more I am developing feelings for him. I mean, he has the sexiest voice I have ever heard!! He, also, has this ability to get through my radar of resistance when it comes to men. But, one minute he is building me up telling me how special & gorgeous I am. He even tells me that my daughter and I are the 'exception to women' in his book. But, every time I try to get closer to him...he resists.

He's just not ready yet.

 

So, I told him 3 weeks ago, that I'm getting in way too deep. That I need some time...maybe indeffinately...to get him out of my system! It bites being in a one-sided love affair. I am sure I am not telling anyone anything new.

 

Well, my 13 yr old daughter just loves him! She told me yesterday that he's emailed her a couple times since my NC request. My daughter let me read one. I am melting once again!!! He is the sweetest man EVER!! He said alot of wonderful things about me to her. Wow! I was really touched! He makes me feel so good about myself...even if it was an email to my daughter.

 

But...now, back in the same boat. Feelings emerging! Dang!

 

I'm not even being a good friend to him right now with the NC. But, he keeps going above and beyond the normal guy/girl friendship.

 

What the hell does this guy want from me??? I've never met anyone as persistent as him.

[mini696]

I cant really tell what is going on. On one hand it seems he is toying with you, on the other it seems you are with him.

 

One thing I would suggest is try to stop him emailing your daughter while you are trying to do NC. He obviously is hoping she'll show them to you and is manipulating your daughter.

[Outcast]

Some men seem to want surrogate partners - they want them in theory but not in fact. They'll act very lovingly to you and say wonderful things about you and essentially be your best friend and supporter but won't take the next step.

 

Hell knows what's wrong with them but a lot of women would be a lot happier if they had flashing red warning signs around their necks.

[luvtoto]

Well, it's been a while since I last posted about this issue...so here's an update.

 

I tried the NC thing for 3 weeks. I felt like a heal the whole time. My daughter missed him. I missed him. He missed me. Ugh. My daughter doesn't have many male role models in her life, so this guy is important to her.

 

I invited him at the last minute, 2 hours before...to go with us to a swimming party. It was up by where he lives. He showed up! He brought his two boys and we all got along GREAT! When we got back home, my daugher and him instant messaged each other till midnight. I am almost jealous of their friendship.

 

Here's what he wrote the other day when I mentioned a possible relationship: "I've put a lot of thought into this, too... and am not sure I'm ready for a relationship yet... I find you very attractive, and easy to be around.... Yes, I think at the right time, I could do my part, just not so sure that time is now... You are exactly right, I spend all of my time doin' somethin', and I don't think I am ready to change that yet. The last thing I want to do, is start something with you, and not be able to follow thru, I am very afraid of hurting you (I value your friendship more than I could ever say). I will call you... promise"

 

By the way, he did call. He always follows through with his promises. *Sigh* Is he just blowing smoke up my A^^? Am I just in the "friend-zone" here? Do I have a chance with this guy or is he letting me down easy. If I'm so important to him...why the distance? Wouldn't he want to be with me NOW instead of waiting around till the perfect moment? Why is the timing always off between us??

 

Any 'points of views' are welcome.

[Lishy]

I think he is just plain scared!!!!!!!!

 

Give him time without you and he may realise what he really wants!!

 

He sounds lovely

[Milo]

This guy needs to sack up and take the chance that things will work out. This wishy-washy business is balogna.

[luvtoto]

He is scared. I completely agree!! So, how do I get him un-scared? Is that something I need to help him with or just remain passive? No contact with him just kills me! He is my bestfriend. If I give him an altimatum/or request NC and allow him to deal with this alone...then doesn't that send him the wrong message about how I feel about him?

[Lishy]

Tell him exactly how you feel and that you feel that you love him too much to put him in a horrible position. Tell him that you will not contact him as it hurts you too much. Just be honest with him but dont let him feel you are putting pressure on him to make a choice right now.

 

He sounds like he is scared of losing you and maybe, just maybe, if he sees how life is without you he will decide to take the chance

[luvtoto]

I have never been known for my patience. I mean, why does it seem like I always gotta walk away, before I get appreciated? I'll try the NC thing. I'll leave all the pursuing up to him. Don't guys like it that way anyways? Since, I saw him last week...he hasn't replied to my two emails I sent him. After I get too close sometimes...he runs from me for awhile. Then, he'll snap back out of the blue! He's calling all the shots.

[penkitten]

it wasnt really rejection for you personally.

you knew he needed some time for himself and he does need it.

let it go and wish him well.

 

no one can make you fall in love, you are just ready for another relationship now and you have healed . be thankful that by his friendship you have learned this, because now you will stumble across someone perfect.

this guy is going to look back and be thankful to you because you suggested he take some time for himself before settling back down after such a long marriage that just ended.

[luvtoto]

OK...need to vent a bit. The other night, he IM my daughter and they talked for a while. I think that is so cute. Then, last night, he called me...after you guys told me to do the NC thing I've been distant with him. (But then again, it's only been 2 weeks since I last saw him).

 

I just can't understand why he wants to be friends with me. I mean, he said last night..."you never call me!" He's right. I don't. I've called him maybe 3 times in the last year of getting to know this guy. I don't want to intrude on his life because I have feelings for him. He needs this time to just be on his own. He's told me himself.

 

Well, in our conversation last night...we were talking about what is appropriate when you first start dating someone. Not for any particular reason...just a topic. He said that he's been out on a few dates and right away the lady comes onto him. He told me he turned them down. He doesn't admire agressive woman.

 

Now, didn't he say a couple weeks ago...that he wants to be alone and not date? Why is he in the dating scene if he's (#1) not lookin' for sex (#2) doesn't want a relationship?

 

I didn't say a word to him about his comment. It's not my place. He can do whatever he wants to. After, a 19 yr marriage...it's deserved.

 

Usually during the phone convo, we'll get to flirting...can't help it we got alot of chemistry. Then, I'll make a joke about how I feel about him. He'll say laughing, "hey, I thought we had a friendship thing going here!"..just to be a smartass.

 

Hahaha!...not really...he's laughing and I'm hurting.

 

I can't find it in my heart to tell him NC. He means to much to my daughter and to me. He cares so much for us, and I care for him and his boys.

 

*sigh*

[Guest99]

You obviously know this guy better than I do, but just reading this thread for the first time all the way thru, the common thread seems to be

 

1. He doesn´t want to be your boyfriend, but wants to continue being part of your life, perhaps because-

2. He is interested in talking to your daughter more than you, and spends hours in one on one conversations with your daughter.

3. He continues talking to your daughter even when you have cut off contact with him.

 

I´m not accusing him of anything, it just seems a little odd, and something to be aware of -

 

crimelibrary.com says

 

Pedophilia is a psychological disorder that does not require, and usually does not involve, a criminal act. The pedophile might keep his desires a secret. He may never go public or share his fantasies with anyone. At times, they will even marry a single mother to gain or continue access to her children. Pedophiles can be very determined and single-minded in their efforts to stay close to children.

[luvtoto]

Sorry to make you worry or to assume the worst.

 

I've known him for over a year and he is in no way a phedophile. He became friends with my daughter, because *I* asked him to reach out to her. My daughter has bi-polar and sometimes, she just bottles things up and he is the only one who can get her to open up...or get her in a good mood again. She needs as much support as possible. She has no father figure and he is just trying to help. In the process, he's has become very close to her. He's even become quite a role model for her. Not a surprise. He's has integrity to spare. She loves him like a father and is able to say that to him without him running for the hills.

 

Even though him and I are 'just friends'....why, whenever he's talking to me, does he refer to me as 'hotstuff'? That's always been his nickname for me? Can't quite figure him out. Do guys usually have flirty nicknames for their lady friends?