my boyfriend wants to break up with me but I don't think it's the right thing to do

[sunshinepeach]

okay so basically my boyfriend wants to break up with me but I don't feel like that's the right thing we should do and I'm really afraid of loosing him... his reasoning is that he thinks he keeps on hurting me with not being able to talk to me for days or weeks bc of his mental health... I really wanna talk with him about our situation bc I know we can work things out together but he can be really stubborn and pessimistic when he feels bad... is it weird of me to think I can somehow save the relationship? Or is it naive of me to think that talking could better the situation?

I also appreciate any tipps on how to improve communication with someone who tends to isolate themself or just in general any advice on how I can convince him.

I'm a firm believer of talking about your issues before jumping to such drastic conclusions. 

[salparadise]

If he wants to end the relationship he can do without your agreement. I’d like to have a dollar for every break up that happened despite one person not wanting it. All you can do is communicate your feelings and ask him to reconsider. At some point though you should ask yourself if you really want a relationship where the other person has one foot out the door and keeps you hanging by a thread — or cuts you off for weeks at a time.

Wouldn’t you like to be free to find a partner who is mentally sound and as invested as you are? If it were me, I’d be inclined to say, “no problemo, I wish you well.”

Edited May 29, 2021 by salparadise

[sunshinepeach]

3 minutes ago, salparadise said:

Wouldn’t you like to be free to find a partner who is mentally sound and as invested as you are? 

the funny thing is he is as invested as me.

it's just whenever he falls into a depressive whole he says stuff like this and becomes very pessimistic. but for some reason I have a feeling that deep down he doesn't want to do this.it's 

I mean, yeah of course if our conversation can't find a "happy end" then sure he can break up with me but I mean is it so wrong to fight for someone you love?

[ShyViolet]

It doesn't matter if you don't think breaking up is the right thing to do.  Once he has said he wants to break up, it's done. He's not into this relationship anymore.   In a relationship, breaking up is the one thing that a person does NOT need the consent of the other person for.  Desperately clinging to this relationship when he has already told you he wants to end it is not going to work.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, sunshinepeach said:

the funny thing is he is as invested as me.

He wouldn't be trying to break up with you if that were true, sadly. 

It hurts but he doesn't want to work on this. So it's not naive of you to think you can fix this, but rather a fairly human response when we are trying to hang on to someone who wants out. It's a defense mechanism of sorts, a way to try to deny the pain of reality. 

As the others have already said, he doesn't need your endorsement to end it. Just as you think it's not right to end it, he thinks it's not right to continue. With respect, this isn't up to you anymore. He is free to break up if he chooses, much as it pains you. 

[stillafool]

Maybe he is depressed because of this relationship and that is why he wants to end it - for his mental health.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Maybe he is depressed because of this relationship and that is why he wants to end it - for his mental health.

Good point!

I can't even count the number of threads I've read from women about their "depressed" boyfriends, asking how they can help and fix.

My advice?  Leave them ALONE, if they want to leave, graciously show them the door and watch how quickly their "depression" disappears.

Not discounting those instances where depression is a real illness that requires medical treatment but in many cases on forums like LS, it's the relationship itself that is causing the depression.

I'm sorry OP.

[elaine567]

Relationships are a huge part of most people's lives,
It is hardly surprising when a relationship is unhappy, unfulfilling, boring, or even abusive/frightening that depression/anxiety/stress/other mental issues are the result.
Once they leave, they can suddenly feel relieved and happy again.

Even alcoholism/substance abuse can stem from bad relationships and the need to block everything out.

[kendahke]

11 hours ago, sunshinepeach said:

my boyfriend wants to break up with me

I don't feel like that's the right thing we should do

I'm really afraid of loosing him...

his reasoning is that he thinks he keeps on hurting me with not being able to talk to me for days or weeks bc of his mental health... I really wanna talk with him about our situation bc I know we can work things out together but he can be really stubborn and pessimistic when he feels bad... is it weird of me to think I can somehow save the relationship? Or is it naive of me to think that talking could better the situation?

I also appreciate any tipps on how to improve communication with someone who tends to isolate themself or just in general any advice on how I can convince him.

I'm a firm believer of talking about your issues before jumping to such drastic conclusions. 

Has he been formally diagnosed with a mental illness? If so, how long ago? Is he seeing a therapist/psychiatrist?

Is it part of his mental health issue to isolate, become stubborn and pessimistic?  If so, then you're going to have to get with the fact that on a varying number of days/month, he is going to be uncommunicative and It. Has. Nothing. To. Do. With. You.  This is how he is wired. Whatever qualities he has on his good days, you're also going to have to put up with when his bad days have him if you insist upon staying with him.

Talking is good when you're also LISTENING TO HIM and HEARING WHAT HE'S SAYING, too, not listening to formulate what you're going to say next. He's not vaporizing on you because he's out with his boys chasing skirt. 

The relationship cannot be saved if one party is no longer interested in being in it.

Right now, talking is what he's asking less of from you and that is something you're going to have to get with if you want to have something with this guy.

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, sunshinepeach said:

 I have a feeling that deep down he doesn't want to do this. is it so wrong to fight for someone you love?

Sorry this is happening. How long were you dating? You'll need to trust and believe him that he knows what's best for him.

You have talked about it. He needs space at the very least.

Unfortunately "fighting for" comes across as controlling and clingy.

Don't try to fix him. He has friends, family, other interests, work/school etc. as well as doctors and therapists if he wants help.

It seems like you are in denial a bit. Best thing you can do is step back and reflect why you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you.