How to navigate a 25 year age gap

[NonJudgmental2021]

Quick update - have had a few unplanned chats the past few days. All courteous, pleasant and friendly. Still not decided upon what to do if anything at all, and keeping an open mind, giving consideration to the well-intentioned discouraging comments here.   

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, NonJudgmental2021 said:

Quick update - have had a few unplanned chats the past few days. All courteous, pleasant and friendly. Still not decided upon what to do if anything at all

It's sort of a gamble because you live in the same building.  That's why a low key "neighborly" coffee is less awkward to step away from, if you decide this isn't worth pursuing..

[NonJudgmental2021]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's sort of a gamble because you live in the same building.  That's why a low key "neighborly" coffee is less awkward to step away from, if you decide this isn't worth pursuing..

Yes, will go with the flow for a bit and see how it pans out. I actually have little hesitation in asking someone out - am way past the fear of rejection.
However, since I am in limbo mode here, I am clutching at straws about what to say when I run into her. To fill the space, I ended up complimenting her  a couple of times - all genuine compliments about low-key everyday things - which were very well received. Can sense that she feels good & comfortable in my presence.

Someone earlier asked why she doesn't have a boy-friend - and the likely answer seems to be this covid thing, which has made a lot of people put pause and/or break-up and look for a new start.

 

[basil67]

Did she tell you that she doesn't have a boyfriend?  Or is it assumption?

[tynkrbel]

With all due respect - - - You were 25 YEARS old the day She was born !! while She was being patted on the butt to draw Her FIRST breath, You had ALREADY graduated high school, likely college too, and (hopefully) a mature man, out on Your own, making Your own way.  By the time She is Your age now You will be 73 years old !!   She might be flattered by Your attention but She doesn't have the maturity to realize the HUGE difference in Your ages will become even MORE huge with the passage of time.  You on the other hand are (should be) mature enough to see how You as a middle aged Man while She's barely past being a teenager, have had life experiences that She hasn't encountered yet.  In My opinion You should walk away from this. 

[stillafool]

I can't believe how many young girls are going for older guys these days.  Back when I was in my early 20s you just didn't see girls that age dating middle aged men.  I'm seeing it a lot now.  I wonder if some grew up without a father or just that younger guys don't court them the way older men do.   I don't have a problem with what grown people do as it's their choice, but I'm just wondering what's changed.

[NonJudgmental2021]

22 hours ago, stillafool said:

I can't believe how many young girls are going for older guys these days.  Back when I was in my early 20s you just didn't see girls that age dating middle aged men.  I'm seeing it a lot now.  I wonder if some grew up without a father or just that younger guys don't court them the way older men do.   I don't have a problem with what grown people do as it's their choice, but I'm just wondering what's changed.

Since I work in sociology, some pointers, compared to 2 generations back -

- there are more people on the planet. More younger people, more middle aged and more older people

- life expectancy has gone up. So  the age-range for old has gone up too. 30 is the new 20, and some say, even 40 is the new 20

- increased life expectancy, and, at least, in the developed world, continuing advances in medicine and care mean that "a second life" is increasingly possible within one lifetime

- people, across age-groups, are increasingly nuclear/alone, with much less communal contact than before. Hence, context based equations/relationships gain significance

-  divorces are way more common, making a significant chunk of middle aged people available in the single pool again. In large urban clusters like New York, this is a quite a noticeable "segment" in itself

- ideas such as continuous personal growth, self-healing, self-discovery, reverse-mentoring etc have challenged the old (wise/experienced) vs new (naive/unskilled) dynamic. One may be middle-aged, for example, but, also back to studying at college, learning new age subjects and doing internships just like another (younger) learner in that college. And so, the learners could bond over a common learning experience, in which the traditional old-vs-young dynamic does not play out. 

- the younger generation is much better informed, much better organised, than any prior younger generation. Possibly, far more successful too, given the relatively younger age. This shifts the power balance in favour of younger people, who are then, more confident, assertive and sure of their place in the world. Thus, they can be more accepting of /comfortable with older people as friends/ activity partners/ romantic partners, since the traditional old-vs-young dynamic no longer applies.

Edited June 4, 2021 by NonJudgmental2021

[NonJudgmental2021]

A not so young woman (25-30) gave me a 'compliment' (without reason) today.

In a formal context, I told her my exact age  of mid to late 40s and she was quite surprised. Said I didn't look a day over 21.

I have a clearly visible protruding pot belly. I dunno what to make of this, but sorta helps the narrative here.

 

[basil67]

I can't see how the above helps the narrative.  One's appearance has no relevance to their stage of life.  

[dangerous]

On 6/4/2021 at 9:41 PM, NonJudgmental2021 said:

 

I have a clearly visible protruding pot belly. I dunno what to make of this, but sorta helps the narrative here.

 

I am older than you, and I do not have a pot belly lol.

Not a good look, especially if you hope to date a younger woman.

[BaileyB]

On 6/4/2021 at 3:25 PM, NonJudgmental2021 said:

Since I work in sociology, some pointers, compared to 2 generations back -

This fits the narrative - 

What you have created here is a sociology textbook of thoughts and observations. Rather than theorize and hypothesize, you should just ask the woman out. 

[HiCrunchy]

Sir...just leave the child alone. It won't work out. At 22, I thought 35 years were old. 

At least find someone within 10 years or so...

[stillafool]

9 minutes ago, HiCrunchy said:

Sir...just leave the child alone. It won't work out. At 22, I thought 35 years were old. 

At least find someone within 10 years or so...

OMG when I was 22 I didn't think people at the age of 35 were still having sex.  LOL,  I was so naive.

[BaileyB]

On 6/9/2021 at 9:43 AM, stillafool said:

OMG when I was 22 I didn't think people at the age of 35 were still having sex.  LOL,  I was so naive.

Yeah, and my parents only did it twice! Me and my brother. 🤣🤣

[chillii]

On 5/31/2021 at 5:52 AM, NonJudgmental2021 said:

Thanks for the reality check. I hope you've noticed that I am writing to seek advice here, instead of jumping to act on my imagination /thinking/ reading of the situation. And you're right in that this is a lovely person and deserves the best, which I of course, understand, most likely won't include me.

If she continues to chat, I will find a way to make the age gap clear to her and that should probably kill this in the bud. 
Incidentally, I couldn't help noticing that the PM of the UK married his girlfriend yesterday, and, the pair has the same age-gap as what exists in this situation.

No rocket science needed in making sure she knows ,  just bring up age and tell her your age. Done. Then give her lots of time to think about it just encase she is thinking along those lines.

But l tend to agree with others there;s not really much to go on with her that couldn't just as easily be a neighbour that just likes you and thinks your safe . Way different to the other interest but eh, she might have.

22, women marry or become serious all the time yrs ago some much younger and often for life and still do. But these days mostly, German not sure but 22 is mostly pretty young though, shame it wasn't at least 25 or more if by chance she does have more interest.

[SumGuy]

On 6/4/2021 at 4:41 PM, NonJudgmental2021 said:

A not so young woman (25-30) gave me a 'compliment' (without reason) today.

In a formal context, I told her my exact age  of mid to late 40s and she was quite surprised. Said I didn't look a day over 21.

I have a clearly visible protruding pot belly. I dunno what to make of this, but sorta helps the narrative here.

 

You are mid-late 40s and you don't consider 25 young?  That seems....disturbing, and does not help the narrative.

You know if you have a pot belly I would assume she is lying.  I know shocking, and dishonest.  If I have to guess someone's age I often take off 10 years, few are offend if you guess too low.  

 

[Daisydooks]

On 6/4/2021 at 4:41 PM, NonJudgmental2021 said:

A not so young woman (25-30) gave me a 'compliment' (without reason) today.

In a formal context, I told her my exact age  of mid to late 40s and she was quite surprised. Said I didn't look a day over 21.

I have a clearly visible protruding pot belly. I dunno what to make of this, but sorta helps the narrative here.

 

I am 37/female and married. I work with a 55 year old/male/married/3 kids. He is funny, smart, helpful at work, keeps my day light, jokes around and our bond is purely work related and platonic. His 3 girls about 16 to 20 and he has been with the wife he absolutely adores and speaks of all the time for more than half his life. We jokingly shoot the sh*t back and forth in our daily banter together. He mentioned having a 20 year old the other day.  I told him he "doesn't look old enough to have a 20 year old!" He took it as quite the compliment.  I meant it as one, (so Im glad he did,) as he really doesnt look 55, but no part of me said it because I am interested in pursuing him in any sexual way. I genuinely meant he didnt look old enough to have a 20 year old because he doesnt. Lol. 

Just be mindful of this. Compliments dont always mean a woman wants to sleep with you/date you/marry you/insert whatever words you wish. Sometimes compliments are just genuinely said to another human being. Be careful with this thought process, is all. 

Edited June 16, 2021 by Daisydooks

[Daisydooks]

1 hour ago, SumGuy said:

You are mid-late 40s and you don't consider 25 young?  That seems....disturbing, and does not help the narrative.

You know if you have a pot belly I would assume she is lying.  I know shocking, and dishonest.  If I have to guess someone's age I often take off 10 years, few are offend if you guess too low.  

 

I have never once been offended by anyone who guessed Im 25. Hahahaha Im 37, but please, if you must guess, a good rule of thumb even if I look 40, (I dont,) is to do exactly this. Lol! Oh, you look 40, so lets say 30! It makes people feel better, even if its a fib of sorts! 

[Fletch Lives]

Why not find somebody your own age and stop gawking at kids?

[NonJudgmental2021]

Quick update - I have decided to move to a new apartment elsewhere.

The decision was liberating in many ways.

Overcame the hesitation to speak with her about things- and we sort of chatted a bit. It got real from both sides. She knows my age  now - said that she was kinda aware of it - and she now understands my hesitation. We parted well - some light hearted  jokes and talk about our respective cultures and families.

All's well that ends well. Uh, hmm. 

[NonJudgmental2021]

On 6/16/2021 at 6:11 PM, Daisydooks said:

I am 37/female and married. I work with a 55 year old/male/married/3 kids. He is funny, smart, helpful at work, keeps my day light, jokes around and our bond is purely work related and platonic. His 3 girls about 16 to 20 and he has been with the wife he absolutely adores and speaks of all the time for more than half his life. We jokingly shoot the sh*t back and forth in our daily banter together. He mentioned having a 20 year old the other day.  I told him he "doesn't look old enough to have a 20 year old!" He took it as quite the compliment.  I meant it as one, (so Im glad he did,) as he really doesnt look 55, but no part of me said it because I am interested in pursuing him in any sexual way. I genuinely meant he didnt look old enough to have a 20 year old because he doesnt. Lol. 

Just be mindful of this. Compliments dont always mean a woman wants to sleep with you/date you/marry you/insert whatever words you wish. Sometimes compliments are just genuinely said to another human being. Be careful with this thought process, is all. 

Thank you for sharing your personal story - helps to understand things from yet another point of view.

If I was 55 (or any other age, for that matter) and married to someone I adore, I wouldn't engage in banter with a  woman at my office, nor "jokingly shoot the sh*t back and forth with another woman" - that would be disrespectful to my adorable wife. 

If I may say so, you're what is labelled as an "office wife" . I would never disrespect my wife by seeking /maintaining  any kind of intimacy with a female colleague at work. Yes, yours is platonic, but it's still intimate.

Edited June 19, 2021 by NonJudgmental2021

[jspice]

1 hour ago, NonJudgmental2021 said:

Thank you for sharing your personal story - helps to understand things from yet another point of view.

If I was 55 (or any other age, for that matter) and married to someone I adore, I wouldn't engage in banter with a  woman at my office, nor "jokingly shoot the sh*t back and forth with another woman" - that would be disrespectful to my adorable wife. 

If I may say so, you're what is labelled as an "office wife" . I would never disrespect my wife by seeking /maintaining  any kind of intimacy with a female colleague at work. Yes, yours is platonic, but it's still intimate.

Are you kidding?

This lady is describing a normal friendly relationship between co-workers. You have no idea what normal social interaction is. 
 

Please seek therapy to help you stop being creepy. 

[NonJudgmental2021]

1 hour ago, jspice said:

Are you kidding?

This lady is describing a normal friendly relationship between co-workers. You have no idea what normal social interaction is. 
 

Please seek therapy to help you stop being creepy. 

Not engaging in banter with female colleagues is not a sign of being creepy.

My mother is alive, she is quite old but she is well-educated and in tune with the times. I called her to discuss your comment before writing this comment and she fully endorses my position that a married man should not seek "platonic" banter et al with a female colleague at work. Banter is teasing or joking in a humorous and friendly way and as per my mother, occasional banter with strangers is okay, banter amongst friends is totally okay, but regular, daily, ongoing banter between a married man and his female office colleague is not okay and should be frowned upon.  

We all know what normal social conversation is - and that is not banter, nor is that "shooting the sh*t", nor does that need to prefaced with "platonic".

With that, I ask the moderator to close this thread.

[jspice]

2 minutes ago, NonJudgmental2021 said:

Not engaging in banter with female colleagues is not a sign of being creepy.

My mother is alive, she is quite old but she is well-educated and in tune with the times. I called her to discuss your comment before writing this comment and she fully endorses my position that a married man should not seek "platonic" banter et al with a female colleague at work. Banter is teasing or joking in a humorous and friendly way and as per my mother, occasional banter with strangers is okay, banter amongst friends is totally okay, but regular, daily, ongoing banter between a married man and his female office colleague is not okay and should be frowned upon.  

We all know what normal social conversation is - and that is not banter, nor is that "shooting the sh*t", nor does that need to prefaced with "platonic".

With that, I ask the moderator to close this thread.

You can close this thread as many times as you like. It’s clear to everyone that you’re unable and unwilling to have normal social interactions. 

[BaileyB]

What you describe is a normal social interaction between coworkers. 

You have rather old fashioned beliefs related to gender roles and as such, it influences your social interactions with others. 

Perhaps it’s cultural, but it is cringeworthy to hear your comments about this woman and gender roles in relationships/the workplace because they are not consistent with today’s cultural norms. 

Edited June 19, 2021 by BaileyB