How to stop yourself from checking your ex-MM social media?

[Vivalavi]

I'm struggling today. Again. I guess regular work days are the worst because I have too much time on my hand. There is a song that I recently heard on a radio and reminded me of MM. It was a song we listened together when alone. I was sitting in his lap, cuddling and he sang it while holding me. Just a thought of it makes me cry. I told him about it today saying how bittersweet it feels. His response was that it's an excellent memory to have. I feel like a complete fool. Everything he says feels so emotionless. Like he absolutely doesn't care. It's like ending it for him was nothing. He lost nothing. There is nothing to miss.  I don't know. It simply hurts to know how little it probably meant to him. I actually want to tell him how I feel about everything. If he was able to get piece of my body, then he can handle a piece of my mind, too!

[BaileyB]

35 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

I actually want to tell him how I feel about everything. If he was able to get piece of my body, then he can handle a piece of my mind, too!

Vivalavi, it’s not his job to protect your well-being - it’s yours. 
Do you expect that if you give him a piece of your mind he will feel badly? Will he try to make amends? Do you hope that he will re-engage with you to appease you? What is your purpose here?

While it may feel good to you to give him a piece of your mind, I expect that you will be surprised how very little he will care. He is simply doing what’s best for him. You need to do the same - you need to do what’s best for YOU.

I say, keep your dignity. Let him go. 

Edited June 2, 2021 by BaileyB

[HadMeOverABarrel]

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

I actually want to tell him how I feel about everything

That will feel good for a few hours afterwards, and then it will feel bad for weeks, months, or possibly longer.

I surmise you want to give him a piece of your mind because you feel devalued and hurt from realizing he didn't care for you the way you once believed. Telling him off is a way of saying, "Look here! I am not of so little value that you treat me this way!" If you can get very honest with yourself, part of you is probably hoping he will agree with you, perhaps even apologize. In reality, based on his behavior you describe, you are unlikely to get any sort of reaction you would be hoping for.

Really what you are seeking is his validation of your worth. You are struggling with the feeling of being devalued. You are seeking something from him that you need to give to yourself; that is you need to value yourself instead of trying to get that valuation from him. Some ideas include self-soothing language to yourself that you know you are worth more, you know your contribution is valuable, you won't sell yourself short in the future, you will work on not seeking another's approval or trying to get them to acknowledge your value. When a person doesn't see your value, it's a cue to immediately withdraw your efforts. 

I hope you'll try this. I think it could help. 

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Telling him off is a way of saying, "Look here! I am not of so little value that you treat me this way!"

The best way to demonstrate this is actually not to allow him to treat you this way. And to do that, she need needs to go no contact. He can’t treat you badly and hurt you Vivilavi if you are not in his life anymore.

6 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

You are seeking something from him that you need to give to yourself; that is you need to value yourself instead of trying to get that valuation from him.

Absolutely! 

[Vivalavi]

8 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Vivalavi, it’s not his job to protect your well-being - it’s yours. 
Do you expect that if you give him a piece of your mind he will feel badly? Will he try to make amends? Do you hope that he will re-engage with you to appease you? What is your purpose here?

While it may feel good to you to give him a piece of your mind, I expect that you will be surprised how very little he will care. He is simply doing what’s best for him. You need to do the same - you need to do what’s best for YOU.

I say, keep your dignity. Let him go. 

That's true. Only I can do that. By giving him a piece of my mind I meant to tell him how I see things and to get some clarification on  things. I knew we couldn't go on forever, however, it's the timing that gets me. Looking back, we saw each other just a week before and both were happy. We cuddled longer than usually, stared at each other. He seemed happy. He was singing, joking and being sweet to me. Then we chatted just like the usual until I mentioned he is more than a friend to me. We talk about sex and he was saying all he does is to please me. But when I asked what's this for him I got the message about ending it. Saying that his wife wants a baby and he can't continue doing this without feeling guilty. He said he doesn't want to lead me on in any way. 

How do I know this was real reason? I don't think that bringing up being more than a friend and him ending it was a coincidence. 

 

[BaileyB]

23 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

By giving him a piece of my mind I meant to tell him how I see things and to get some clarification on  things.

What’s to clarify? He has told you that it’s over. He has the right to make that decision at any time, for any reason. You need to accept that. 

He doesn’t care how you see things. He is living his own life. It’s not his job to keep you happy, to make you feel better, to give you the validation that you seek. There is quite honestly no answer that you can provide for you that will make you feel better right now. He can’t give you the reassurance you seek from him, you need to find a way to do that for yourself! 

23 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

Looking back, we saw each other just a week before and both were happy. We cuddled longer than usually, stared at each other. He seemed happy.

Perhaps he had already made the decision and he was saying goodbye to you. Or maybe it was just another day, and you have attached special meaning to that day because he ended it a few days later. It doesn’t matter Vivilavi, the relationship has ended now. 

23 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

How do I know this was real reason?

You don’t. And, it doesn’t matter. He has ended it, that’s what you need to accept. 

23 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

I don't think that bringing up being more than a friend and him ending it was a coincidence.

It wasn’t. He wanted to let you down gently. He may also have wanted to keep you on the back burner, while he explores other opportunities. And judging by your comments here, you are more than happy to wait for him to come around... 

Edited June 2, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

Vivalani, I read your story and it reminds me of the school playground, if I may offer an analogy to help you. He is much alike the school bully - he tells you that he wants to be your friend and you are thrilled! He knows that you will do anything to be his friend, and as such he takes full advantage - asking you to push him on the swing, to give him your lunch, to do his homework. And then, one day he decides that he doesn’t want to be your friend anymore!! To you, this is a cruel twist of fate! How could this happen, you have done everything for him and you thought that you were such good friends!! Why doesn’t he like me anymore? But, it’s not about you. For whatever reason, he has decided that you no longer meet his needs. He has decided to find another person to bully. He put you in your place by withdrawing his friendship - that hurt you, but he doesn’t really care. He says that you are still “friends” but he doesn’t want to play with you anymore and that is difficult for you to accept. You struggle to accept this and continue to ask him to play everyday. He loves this - a bully loves power! And you are miserable, because you feel like you are nothing without his friendship...

What you need to understand is, the bully is not a true friend. And rather than seeking the “friendship” and validation of the playground bully, you need to find the strength to leave him be and find a new friend. There are many other kids on the playground who want to be your friend. Nice kids, who will treat you well and won’t take advantage of you. Your choice - continue to seek the attention and validation of the playground bully or find your own self worth, gather your courage and find a new friend. 

What would you advise your daughter to do in this situation? 

Edited June 2, 2021 by BaileyB

[NYAG]

On 6/1/2021 at 2:28 PM, Vivalavi said:

That's true. All of it. What got me was when we had our little talk in person was how calm he was. No emotions. Just repeating how he truly cares about me and it is nothing personal. Sadly, it all got blurry afterwards and I can't recall details of everything he told me. 

Sounds like he was reciting a script he'd learned by heart.

[Bittersweetie]

One thing I did after my affair was write down everything I wished to say to xAP. I would get it all out, then tear it up and throw it in the trash. I always felt better afterward. What is interesting is that the first time I did it, I wrote a whole page of stuff. Then a short time later, it was a half page of writing. Then in a while after that, it was only a paragraph. Then later, a sentence...then, nothing. I no longer had anything to say. Maybe something for you to try?

A funny story related to this: early on in the process, I was at a Starbucks drinking a coffee and scribbling angrily away. I wrote and wrote and wrote, then read what I wrote, then ripped the page into small pieces. I looked up to find a man staring at me like I had three heads! 😆 

[BaileyB]

I’ve certainly done that before - it’s very cathartic. It doesn’t even matter that you don’t give the letter. Or if you do, it doesn’t even matter the response. It is healing to express your feelings in a healthy way. 

It reminds me of the boyfriend bonfire episode from Friends, which I watched the other day. Write your letter and burn it! 

[Vivalavi]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Vivalani, I read your story and it reminds me of the school playground, if I may offer an analogy to help you. He is much alike the school bully - he tells you that he wants to be your friend and you are thrilled! He knows that you will do anything to be his friend, and as such he takes full advantage - asking you to push him on the swing, to give him your lunch, to do his homework. And then, one day he decides that he doesn’t want to be your friend anymore!! To you, this is a cruel twist of fate! How could this happen, you have done everything for him and you thought that you were such good friends!! Why doesn’t he like me anymore? But, it’s not about you. For whatever reason, he has decided that you no longer meet his needs. He has decided to find another person to bully. He put you in your place by withdrawing his friendship - that hurt you, but he doesn’t really care. He says that you are still “friends” but he doesn’t want to play with you anymore and that is difficult for you to accept. You struggle to accept this and continue to ask him to play everyday. He loves this - a bully loves power! And you are miserable, because you feel like you are nothing without his friendship...

What you need to understand is, the bully is not a true friend. And rather than seeking the “friendship” and validation of the playground bully, you need to find the strength to leave him be and find a new friend. There are many other kids on the playground who want to be your friend. Nice kids, who will treat you well and won’t take advantage of you. Your choice - continue to seek the attention and validation of the playground bully or find your own self worth, gather your courage and find a new friend. 

What would you advise your daughter to do in this situation? 

Thank you! I don't know if you have any psychology degree or background, but you are very much helping. The way you put it makes so much sense and I will read it over and over again to let it sink in permanently. It made me cry the first time.

I know many people here talk about self-worth, self-esteem, self-love and such when it comes to not running after MM anymore. I have been struggling to see my value ever since I was little. Then I moved to a foreign country, learned language, got a health science degree and stayed. I accomplished things to be proud of, but when it comes to love, I'm simply a love starved fool. A bit naive.I have so much to learn and to grow from. I'm very thankful for people on this forum and their opinions not clouded by emotions.

[BaileyB]

Just now, Vivalavi said:

It made me cry the first time.

I’m sorry. 

1 minute ago, Vivalavi said:

I have been struggling to see my value ever since I was little. Then I moved to a foreign country, learned language, got a health science degree and stayed. I accomplished things to be proud of, but when it comes to love, I'm simply a love starved fool.

I think this is the journey of many women - self love and self acceptance. You have done many things that should make you very proud - not the least resisting your children! It takes courage and strength to move to another country, away from home and all of your social supports. You are a smart woman - time to turn that same determination and strength towards yourself - healing the things you need to heal and growing in the ways that you need to grow... The good news is, the journey is not over. 

[czanclus]

On 5/30/2021 at 1:36 AM, Donnas said:

Easily.Just stop!Dont do it no more.Find a hobby a life, something to do that time that you waste on someones else man.

Nothing easy about this, no need to trivialize the feat. However, you do have to 'care' first about yourself. 

I can very closely relate to your issue, and have suffered immensely due to the experience, which took years (YEARS!) to get over. My personal experience doesn't even involve someone else's man, or at least he wasn't anyone else's when we dated. Does he or did he ever deserve that level of self-inflicted suffering on my behalf? Absolutely not in a million universal simulations. But! Sometimes you just can't stop looking because nothing out there can give any valid input into what just happened.

You sit/stand/lie there struck, you literally can't believe what you're seeing/reading/listening to, and all that only, obviously, in curated glimpses, but being astute as one is when it matters so much it hurts, you put the picture together very well. What's even worse, you manage to convince yourself quickly that it is *you* who's lacking and that this new woman is the essence of divine. Because, of course, she must be... the man was taking painstaking measures to keep you at an arm's length because he was "not ready for a relationship" (WITH YOU), whereas this divine creature, adorned in rags as if clothes are an afterthought (but of course perfectly femininely toned, groomed and smooth), shows up at his doorstep (Unbearable Lightness of Being style) with X dogs and Y cats and a dead bird she picked up on her way to his building with nowhere to go and no one to turn to, and won't he be her knight in shining armor, she pleads with those arian white blue eyes ready to shed a puddle of tears at the slightest reluctance? And the story unfolds in mere months to where she becomes the queen of the castle and all requested by her annexed provinces to accommodate for all the comforts of her broader family... the miracle who can do no wrong, the 'true love' embodiment he's been seeking his entire life, the bearer of his unadulterated white blood, no time to waste, let her be at once coronated to her ultimate distinction, and may all her quirks be cherished and whims be obliged to. And you sense yourself staring - in utter shock - at what you've observed, more painful still, scolding yourself for ever positing a thought that it was you who lacks the class and is deaf to the finer nuances of romantic love development, who maybe at one point dared indicate she wants something more committed than an unmentioned to anyone visit on the fly from a far away zip code. Stupid! But what a long path to that insight.

Try to do better if at all you can. Trust, even if at this point only 'academically' that you will see this man for whom he is, that even if you are not perfect, you are ORDERS of MAGNITUDE better than what he is leaving you, without a shred of remorse, to judge yourself as. Make efforts to get meaningfully distracted. This too shall pass.

Good luck.    

[HadMeOverABarrel]

19 hours ago, BaileyB said:

think this is the journey of many women - self love and self acceptance.

We were also socialized to be care-takers, nurturers, self-sacrificing for others and so on. While I think these are important qualities, we have to do all this for ourselves first. 'Put your own oxygen mask on before assisting  others' as they say.

@Vivalavi It may help to keep the above socialised conditioning in mind to remember you were taught to put others first, but in some situations (like this affair) that can be extremely detrimental to your well-being.

Maybe you were taught to do for others and they will in turn do for you. That was my experience. Actually, sadly, my parents met my needs when I 'performed' rather than unconditionally.  It took much introspection to realize it and see how it set me up to give so much to others without getting much back in return. See if this is also a pattern in your life. 

Now you have to work on identifying who is safe to give to and how much is safe to give based on the type of person you are interacting with and the situation. As you get better at this, and your choices/behaviors reflect such, people will take those cues from you and respect/value you more. That's how we teach others to treat us. We have to ourselves believe we are worth more in the first place. 

[Vivalavi]

11 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

We were also socialized to be care-takers, nurturers, self-sacrificing for others and so on. While I think these are important qualities, we have to do all this for ourselves first. 'Put your own oxygen mask on before assisting  others' as they say.

@Vivalavi It may help to keep the above socialised conditioning in mind to remember you were taught to put others first, but in some situations (like this affair) that can be extremely detrimental to your well-being.

Maybe you were taught to do for others and they will in turn do for you. That was my experience. Actually, sadly, my parents met my needs when I 'performed' rather than unconditionally.  It took much introspection to realize it and see how it set me up to give so much to others without getting much back in return. See if this is also a pattern in your life. 

Now you have to work on identifying who is safe to give to and how much is safe to give based on the type of person you are interacting with and the situation. As you get better at this, and your choices/behaviors reflect such, people will take those cues from you and respect/value you more. That's how we teach others to treat us. We have to ourselves believe we are worth more in the first place. 

I grew up in culture or perhaps a family where people think it's selfish to think of yourself first. When I was younger and someone asked me for a favor, I would always say yes no matter how inconvenient it was for me. My H was always good at pushing extra favors from others on me and then guilt trip me if I didn't want it. After several sessions of counseling I leaned to say no. But feeling selfish gets to me some days even when I just wasn't some me time away from everyone. 

[Vivalavi]

I felt so strong yesterday. We still talked but I had no problem to take hours to reply to his texts. He replied quicker than usually. He also brought up his usual - "I warned you long time ago I'm worse than a drug!" My reply was "you love to flatter yourself, don't you" After that he said he doesn't. He only said it jokingly.  I don't know if he joked to be honest!

Today, it's another story. He is back to his taking hours to reply while I'm the one texting back sooner. And when he texts, he ignores what's being asked. Mainly sends pictures talking about his long beard. 

I came here to reread what everyone wrote to me. To keep my sanity.  I feel nauseated. Just like some addict. And he knows it. But what if I am giving him too much credit for being that manipulative? What if he is just as insecure as I often feel?

 

[Davina1]

The obession is so hard . I have had to really work on not having my phone close by . I have turned off all notifications bar from my family and couple of friends . I have turned off all my activity trackers .  But I slip sometime and over check and still have not managed to go full NC . 
 

You are not first and foremost in his thoughts  .   Try and live life for yourself and do some things that are just for you . Reading walking a hobby . It really does help .  

[elaine567]

The man dumped you, why are you even talking to him?

[elaine567]

On 6/4/2021 at 1:09 AM, Vivalavi said:

Today, it's another story. He is back to his taking hours to reply while I'm the one texting back sooner. And when he texts, he ignores what's being asked. Mainly sends pictures talking about his long beard. 

Never  hang around, when you are obviously not wanted.
The "Lets be friends" is just something people say to soften the blow.
They don't really want to be friends.
Wise up.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 6/3/2021 at 7:59 PM, Vivalavi said:

I grew up in culture or perhaps a family where people think it's selfish to think of yourself first. When I was younger and someone asked me for a favor, I would always say yes no matter how inconvenient it was for me. My H was always good at pushing extra favors from others on me and then guilt trip me if I didn't want it. After several sessions of counseling I leaned to say no. But feeling selfish gets to me some days even when I just wasn't some me time away from everyone. 

I'm really glad for you that you prioritized yourself to do therapy and it was effective in helping you set boundaries. I think there's no need to feel guilty so long as you are not being malicious. We need to take care of ourselves first, and sometimes our resource well doesn't have enough for us plus others in certain moments. I think it's a good survival skill/self-preservation to say no when no is the best thing for us. People will always find ways to accomplish their objectives whether we are the ones helping them or not.

Sometimes saying no is best for the other person too. I'm dealing with that right now with a family member.  It makes me sad that they will struggle without me 'fixing' things for them, but if they never face consequences, then they will never learn. If they never learn, they will always be weak and dependent. 

[Vivalavi]

On 6/5/2021 at 3:49 AM, elaine567 said:

The man dumped you, why are you even talking to him?

I wonder. Being a fool probably. We had this little flirty conversation where I jokingly said what would you do if pressed my body against yours and touched whatever I wanted (at work)? Be serious. He replied- I don't imagine I'd stop you. Why would he say that? He was the one saying we can't mess with each other anymore. This to me is pretty confusing. It makes me feel that he still wants this or that despite what he said before.

[Vivalavi]

On 6/5/2021 at 9:12 PM, HadMeOverABarrel said:

I'm really glad for you that you prioritized yourself to do therapy and it was effective in helping you set boundaries. I think there's no need to feel guilty so long as you are not being malicious. We need to take care of ourselves first, and sometimes our resource well doesn't have enough for us plus others in certain moments. I think it's a good survival skill/self-preservation to say no when no is the best thing for us. People will always find ways to accomplish their objectives whether we are the ones helping them or not.

Sometimes saying no is best for the other person too. I'm dealing with that right now with a family member.  It makes me sad that they will struggle without me 'fixing' things for them, but if they never face consequences, then they will never learn. If they never learn, they will always be weak and dependent. 

That's how my mom is with my baby sister. Never says no and always help to get her out of her troubles. 22 and no responsibility whatsoever.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

I wonder. Being a fool probably. We had this little flirty conversation where I jokingly said what would you do if pressed my body against yours and touched whatever I wanted (at work)? Be serious. He replied- I don't imagine I'd stop you. Why would he say that? He was the one saying we can't mess with each other anymore. This to me is pretty confusing. It makes me feel that he still wants this or that despite what he said before.

He knows you were  baiting him so he responded appropriately.  He knows you can't handle not having him touch you regardless of what he said.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

This to me is pretty confusing.

Ok, seriously. 

You flirt with the man and make a sexually suggestive comment and when he replies in kind you say “I don’t get it! It’s just so confusing.” 

First, he is a man. If you offer him sex, he is more than likely to accept. 

And second, where is your responsibility here? How can you expect the man to have a boundary when you have none!! 

My friend, you are the one who instigated this. If you are “confused,” it’s your own fault. He has told you that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore. You need to respect that! 

Edited June 7, 2021 by BaileyB

[Vivalavi]

On 6/7/2021 at 2:53 PM, stillafool said:

He knows you were  baiting him so he responded appropriately.  He knows you can't handle not having him touch you regardless of what he said.

That's true. He knows I miss him and his touch. He said he misses mine as well and never stopped wanted to touch me and all. How do I stop myself from liking him?