Author Vivalavi Posted June 17, 2021 Author Share Posted June 17, 2021 On 6/7/2021 at 2:59 PM, BaileyB said: Ok, seriously. You flirt with the man and make a sexually suggestive comment and when he replies in kind you say “I don’t get it! It’s just so confusing.” First, he is a man. If you offer him sex, he is more than likely to accept. And second, where is your responsibility here? How can you expect the man to have a boundary when you have none!! My friend, you are the one who instigated this. If you are “confused,” it’s your own fault. He has told you that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore. You need to respect that! I do need to accept it's over. That's on me. It was my fault we started to talk at first place even though he was the one asking for more than a kiss since day one. Perhaps it's all my fault after all. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 10 minutes ago, Vivalavi said: Perhaps it's all my fault after all. There is no “fault.” But, you both have responsibility here. Link to post Share on other sites
LynneVicious Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 6 minutes ago, Vivalavi said: I do need to accept it's over. That's on me. It was my fault we started to talk at first place even though he was the one asking for more than a kiss since day one. Perhaps it's all my fault after all. Op, now is not the time for a pity party. While its good you’re taking accountability, this sounds like you’re feeling sorry for yourself. Just because he was pursuing you, you had the option to say no and let him know your boundaries. Thats on you, yes. you were engaged in an affair. Affairs have expiration dates. This affair is over. He ended it with you. You can either waste your life with the “what if’s” and over analyze every word he says or you can put your big girl panties on, pull yourself up, and move on. No contact works to help you heal. I’ve utilized it. Erase everything on your phone about him and anything pertaining to him. Accept its over. It’s done. You are now choosing to drag out your hurt feelings. The route you’re taking is just prolonging your hurt and rejection. There is NO MAGIC PILL nor cure for you other than doing the work yourself. It WILL make you stronger but you have to take the first step. Go read the OW:OM board and look how 99% of affairs end. There are no happy endings. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 He has told you a relationship is off the table but now you are rubbing up against him like a cat on heat... So what does that tell him? it tells him you are down for NSA sex. Fine if that is exactly what you want, but don't expect it to lead anywhere, don't expect him to care any more than when he ended it.. Men can stick around once they have dumped a woman, merely for the sex. in fact the main reason men are friends with exes is for sex or potential sex. It is not about romance or love or even friendship it is just all about sex... i suggest you don't go there, it will just hurt even more. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 ^^ while the above is indeed SOMETIMES true, it is certainly not ALWAYS true for every man in every "ex" situation. Some women can stick around for sex, too BTW, although I suppose its quite a bit less common. But not unheard of. Replace men with "women" and sex with "validation" or "attention" in the second block above. There's a significant amount of truth to THAT generalization as well, as women are well known for turning Ex's into "friends". (And of course men sometimes can stick around for validation/attention as well.) At any rate, he has a wife. So - what are YOU hanging around for? (No need to answer, just something to think about.) 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vivalavi Posted June 22, 2021 Author Share Posted June 22, 2021 On 6/17/2021 at 1:11 PM, BaileyB said: There is no “fault.” But, you both have responsibility here. That's true but at the same time women are somewhat expect to be "wiser" and more responsible because we don't think with our pants. I should know better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vivalavi Posted June 29, 2021 Author Share Posted June 29, 2021 On 6/17/2021 at 2:11 PM, elaine567 said: He has told you a relationship is off the table but now you are rubbing up against him like a cat on heat... So what does that tell him? it tells him you are down for NSA sex. Fine if that is exactly what you want, but don't expect it to lead anywhere, don't expect him to care any more than when he ended it.. Men can stick around once they have dumped a woman, merely for the sex. in fact the main reason men are friends with exes is for sex or potential sex. It is not about romance or love or even friendship it is just all about sex... i suggest you don't go there, it will just hurt even more. You couldn't be more right! He told me he is facing a personal battle because he wants to continue things but at the same time he needs to stop because of a previously mentioned reason. He is all about physical. We ended up making out at work while being almost caught by a coworker. This made me feel terrible because while I knew what we are doing is wrong, this made me feel it 100x more. His reaction surprised me though. His first response was that out coworker would be "jealous" if he knew. Jealous for what??! For being unfaithful? On a wrong side? Unfair? Unethical? I didn't get the way he looked at it... Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 29, 2021 Share Posted June 29, 2021 On 6/22/2021 at 1:59 PM, Vivalavi said: because we don't think with our pants. Actually I think a lot of them do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vivalavi Posted June 29, 2021 Author Share Posted June 29, 2021 I know i should not look at his FB but I did. It was their anniversary and his post made me sick in my stomach. I'm not jealous, but I dont understand how someone can claim publicly how their life together is wonderful, how he loves her big if he is cheating on her. Unless it's a one night stand mistake, how can you truly love someone and cheat on them? How can you without any bad feeling go on a social media and write things knowing what you know? How? It was just a last week he was still kissing on me, sending me his naughty snaps, regular snaps. He talked to me during their anniversary, flirting. And then goes on FB... I'm not trying to make him a bad guy here and I'm not any better than him, I just don't understand how can you say things like that. I would never go on a social site and pretend my marriage to be what's not. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 29, 2021 Share Posted June 29, 2021 2 minutes ago, Vivalavi said: How can you without any bad feeling go on a social media and write things knowing what you know? Because that is his real life and could be how he really feels. He has compartmentalized the affair which is usually surrounded in fantasy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 29, 2021 Share Posted June 29, 2021 4 hours ago, Vivalavi said: I dont understand how someone can claim publicly how their life together is wonderful, how he loves her big if he is cheating on her. How can you truly love someone and cheat on them? I just don't understand how can you say things like that. I would never go on a social site and pretend my marriage to be what's not. You would not, but he apparently does exactly that. What does it say to you about the man you have chosen to love - that he could be this dishonest, disloyal, and two-faced? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vivalavi Posted July 1, 2021 Author Share Posted July 1, 2021 On 6/29/2021 at 8:17 AM, stillafool said: Because that is his real life and could be how he really feels. He has compartmentalized the affair which is usually surrounded in fantasy. I guess this is beyond my understanding. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vivalavi Posted July 1, 2021 Author Share Posted July 1, 2021 On 6/29/2021 at 12:54 PM, BaileyB said: You would not, but he apparently does exactly that. What does it say to you about the man you have chosen to love - that he could be this dishonest, disloyal, and two-faced? You are right as always. He is so good at it. When we almost got caught, he was so calm ... Just talked to our coworker that walked in. As if nothing was happening a second ago. I, on the other hand, lost my speech and was just awkwardly sitting and not even looking his way. I felt like a lowest life of all. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 1, 2021 Share Posted July 1, 2021 22 minutes ago, Vivalavi said: You are right as always. He is so good at it. When we almost got caught, he was so calm ... Just talked to our coworker that walked in. As if nothing was happening a second ago. I, on the other hand, lost my speech and was just awkwardly sitting and not even looking his way. I felt like a lowest life of all. He’s good at lying Vivalani, he does it everyday. He lies to his wife, and he lies to you… Link to post Share on other sites
czanclus Posted July 1, 2021 Share Posted July 1, 2021 (edited) On 6/29/2021 at 8:13 AM, Vivalavi said: I'm not trying to make him a bad guy here and I'm not any better than him, I just don't understand how can you say things like that. I would never go on a social site and pretend my marriage to be what's not. Hmm, why not? He sounds like a shameless a**hole, no need to sugar-coat it. Did you see the Netflix show "Dirty John" - Betty Broderick story? - SPOILER ALERT!!! - Reverse roles, the 20 years younger mistress "wins", but for the main point - how a beautiful, capable person descends into madness and psychotic behavior after being deprived of a person she loved, a life she was accustomed to, and reduced to an occasionally visiting parent to her 4 children by a cold-hearted, greedy, self-involved man once deemed the love of her life. Yes, take some accountability - and more importantly action to protect your sanity - for cyber stalking his life where you take the far back seat, but also allow yourself to feel every bit of grief and anger for being treated so awfully. Lastly, really question your motives and values, if you are willing to overlook this part of his character if only he was willing to put you in the limelight. I could write a whole manifesto on the Betty Broderick story after I've watched all episodes and read some content on her situation from other sources, but it doesn't fit this topic. Oh, and before I forget - Yes, absolutely, unfortunately, but absolutely, it is always upon a woman to know better and be the responsible, restrained one in every male-female story. I tell you this as I would my best friend, my daughter, myself. Good luck, you are better than this! Edited July 1, 2021 by czanclus 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Myabee Posted July 12, 2021 Share Posted July 12, 2021 Block them. That stopped me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vivalavi Posted July 15, 2021 Author Share Posted July 15, 2021 On 7/1/2021 at 2:07 PM, BaileyB said: He’s good at lying Vivalani, he does it everyday. He lies to his wife, and he lies to you… I honestly don't understand how one can be so good at lying. Lying to multiple people while looking straight into their eye. Smiling. That's how I sometimes feel around him. When he looks at me, says something and I can't help but to wonder what's really behind his blue eyes. It's frustrating. Not to mention my guy feeling. But what if my gut feeling is wrong? I tend to overthink. Link to post Share on other sites
Myabee Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 On 7/12/2021 at 3:16 PM, Myabee said: Block them. That stopped me. But make sure you remember to block all ways he can reach you. I forgot one, found his message and was right back in!!!!!🤢 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 30 minutes ago, Myabee said: But make sure you remember to block all ways he can reach you. I forgot one, found his message and was right back in!!!!!🤢 You’re talking as if this is entirely out of your control. You could have just blocked him there once you realized. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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