What to expect from my ex girlfriend?

[Iron_6]

My girlfriend and I broke up almost three months ago after five and the half years of relationship. We are both in our forties. She said she doesn't love me anymore and that she doesn’t have any feelings for me for a longer period of time. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, we argued sometimes, especially about Corona related topics lately. But there were a lot of beautiful moments as well. We share a lot of happy and nice memories.

Compromise was very rare from her side, and very often I agreed to do the things in a way she wanted. She had a lot of issues and I was always there for her to help her and support her, and moreover to love her in that moments. I never had doubts about supporting her although she was doing bad thing over and over again. I had a steel nerves and endless understanding for her.

For the last year or so, I wasn’t paying enough attention to her because I found myself stuck in some personal problems. And instead of getting the help and support from her, and I think I deserved that, she started the affair with someone we both knew. She said she doesn’t care that my mental health is bad, and the only thing she wants is to be with that new guy. And therefore, I should move out as soon as possible. She said that it is about her life and her freedom, and she doesn’t need me anymore.

I was very sad and upset about that and I felt guilt about not paying enough attention to her lately. Of course I felt betrayed and humiliated because she started the affair with someone else. I was completely devastated because she did it in a moment when I was mentally down on the ground. I needed at least a fraction of the help and support I was giving her over the years. But all that I got was her bad attitude and apathy.

We were living together for five years, and I moved out, although I had a right to be in that apartment too. I left everything I invested there (not just financially) because she wanted to stay living there. So even then, I did something against my interests just to please her.  

During this last three months, those beautiful moments we had were all over my mind, more or less every day, and I feel regret that she has left me. Of course my brain suppressed all the bad things she did to me . I moved on and worked a lot to improve myself and I made a progress .

At the same time, we stayed in contact, exchanging messages every day and doing video calls quite frequently.

And then, last Friday she came to my apartment, we had a good time and we had sex. She stayed overnight. We were hugging all night long. Yesterday she came again and we had a really good and passionate sex. But all the time she was telling me that she is satisfied with the new guy and that she is going to stay in the new relationship. When I asked her for the reason, she said that he treats her good, he is funny and that she is in a way taking advantage of him (something like he is paying for all the food). When I told her that I’m seeing someone else too, she started to cry and she said that she likes me the way I am now and that she feels regret I was not like that before when we were together. I told her that she can leave him and that we can try something again, but she categorically refused that. She said that she wants to be with him and maybe one day in the future, who knows, we are going to be together again, but not now. I found that statement very immature.

I was quite fine, but now I feel distressed almost like three months ago. So this just brought me harm.

I know that a new relationship with her would be a very bad idea, but she just won’t get out of my mind

I told her that she polluted her relationship with him, because she cheated on him with me for a multiple times. She said that she doesn’t think that she was cheating on him, because I am her ex-boyfriend. So that doesn't count.(?!) I found that statement very surprising and also very mean and disgusting at the same time. What to think about her and her conscience at all?

I'm also sure that she came to me and cheated on him, because she doesn't care about him at all. But she said that is not the truth and that she fell in love with him.

So why did she came? Does she really know what she want? Who does she love?

Should I cease the contact with her or wait to see how the things are going to develop?

Edited May 30, 2021 by Iron_6

[Happy Lemming]

Let me see if I got this straight...

This woman kicked you when you were down, starting sleeping with someone else while you two were living together, kicked you out of the apartment, had sex with you while living with & mooching off some other guy and you want to get back together with this gold digging shrew?

Move on... find someone normal to date/sleep with.  Its been 3 months, you sat on your couch long enough, time to get out there and date normal women.

Let this "piece of work" be someone else's problem.

[Iron_6]

Thank you Happy Lemming. Your thoughts make perfect sense. The problem is that my emotions still refuse to listen the common sense. I just can't help myself...

[Happy Lemming]

12 minutes ago, Iron_6 said:

The problem is that my emotions still refuse to listen the common sense.

Tell your emotions there are plenty of decent women out there. I met my long term girlfriend when I was in my 40's and we've been together 9.5 years.

Are things beginning to open up in your area??  If so, time to get back out there and meet new people!! 

Yes, you'll have to put in some effort to secure a new girlfriend, but it will be worth it.  Don't fall into old habits with this previous person, you can do better and you deserve better!!

[Iron_6]

26 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I met my long term girlfriend when I was in my 40's and we've been together 9.5 years.

Well, I'm 44 now and I'm a little bit scared how long is it going to take to find the right one. Your words are promising. Thanks.

 

28 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Are things beginning to open up in your area??  If so, time to get back out there and meet new people!! 

Yes, some measures are eased. I'm living in Europe. I hope to get the vaccination soon and get back to normal life finally...

[Happy Lemming]

3 minutes ago, Iron_6 said:

Well, I'm 44 now and I'm a little bit scared how long is it going to take to find the right one.

 

I actively dated from age 16 to 46-47. (before meeting my present girlfriend) The longest it took me to find a new woman was 3 weeks, you'll do fine once things open back up.  There are going to be a lot of women going out and trying to find new men once they are vaccinated and life gets back to normal.  Its going to be a smorgasbord out there... just go take your pick!!