My brother the mooch

[ABerk]

Scenario 1…I invite my mom out to eat.  I drive an hour for this.  When I get there my brother is with her.  When we get inside the restaurant I’m informed that my brother doesn’t have money.  My mother knew this the whole time.  I pay for him.

Scenario 2…I tell my mom I’m coming to visit her on her birthday.  My family (husband and three kids) drive for four hours for this as we live out of town.   My oldest brother and I decide that we’ll all meet at a restaurant.  About 15 minutes before I arrive, my oldest brother calls to inform me that our brother (the baby of the family) is there, along with his girlfriend and two kids…but they don’t have money to eat.  My “baby” brother is 35 years old.  
This type of thing has happened too many times to count and unfortunately my mother not only seems to support his behavior but I believe she encourages him to tag along.  
When I make a big deal out of this, I’m the one who gets talked about badly within the family.

My brother and I had a huge falling out a year or so ago because I wouldn’t loan him money.   He says I’ve forgotten where I can came from and all sorts of other insults.  I’ve helped him a lot in the past.  I’ve loaned money,  bought groceries for his family, even boots one time when he got a new job but no money to buy them.

Meanwhile, he doesn’t pay rent anywhere.  He either lives with his girlfriend who’s on section 8 or with our mom.

I am fed up with his behavior, so much so that I don’t even want to be around him.

Am I seeing this totally wrong here?

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, ABerk said:

He either lives with his girlfriend who’s on section 8 or with our mom.

Sad. Is your mother widowed/divorced/alone? Does she enable this?

Why doesn't he apply for social services, food stamps, subsidized housing, etc. himself? Does he have drug or mental health problems?

[ABerk]

He has a job.  He’s an Electrician.  Yes, my mother enables him.  I also feel that they are codependent on each other.  My brother has never lived on his own and had to pay bills.  My mother has been divorced for 30 years.

[ShyViolet]

You are absolutely within your rights not to want to be around him.  Stick to your principles.  Whatever you do, do not lend him money, ever.  His mother and his girlfriend enable him and that's something that you can't change.  Just stay out of it and live your life.  You have to maintain really firm boundaries with people, family or not.

[Donnas]

You can chose to not pay .

Just sit there,pay for your food and watch it plays out.

Maybe at some point have a private convo with your brother. Maybe he got spoiled and your parents never give him the tools to manage money,and as a adult he never took steps to grow up and learn how to.

For his own good,he needs to grow up.

But dont cut him of.Just let him know how you feel privately, And the rest of the family also,and how you gonna deal with it from now on. You wont be paying.

So it wont be a surprise at the moment .Or a debate. Well ofcorse you may buy something for them once a while since you love them.But let it be out of your heart,and not your full time job.