pureinheart Posted May 31, 2021 Share Posted May 31, 2021 (edited) I wasn't really sure where to put this as it fits a whole bunch of categories... anyway, I'm really floored due to a recent 'dear John' email. Let me start with our past history: We met at work 25 years ago, he said it was an accidental meeting, although I think he planned it knowing I was getting called back to work that day (I was on lay-off). So we start dating and dated for a few months... he was also trying to see this other chick, but it was dating and he made no promises. He was at my company on an off-site assignment, so when it was time to return to his home he broke it off with me (something has to be there for it to be 'broken off') ...so... anyway, we kept in touch over the years and attempted to get back together here and there with nothing coming of any of it until 2 1/2 years ago when there was some definite plans made. We were going to meet in another state, get married and start a new life together, as he hated the state he was in and I was not happy with mine. I quit talking to him after a few months for many reasons... he was angry a lot of the time and started to get very short with me and I only talked to him on his way home from work which was about an hours drive, he never talked to me at his house (he didn't have anyone living with him, I know that for a fact.. he wanted that time after work to play video games... no lie). FF to a few months ago: Knowing it was rude to just stop talking like that and after all of the plans and such, I sent him an email apologizing and asking that we restore the friendship and that I missed our friendship as that was more important than anything. We talked that night and he wanted to start the love relationship back up again .. I was apprehensive, but we went back to where we'd left off. He had been drinking pretty heavily that night ... I could tell. By this time he had retired and had been for a couple of years and was like a completely different person (so I thought) seemingly more relaxed. During the months he professed undying love, spoke of marriage as soon as he got here... he planned on selling his house and moving here by October. We talked everyday for 3 to 4 hours and a lot of it was him being the most romantic person I'd ever encountered and he also texted and emailed thoughtful messages. He sent me thoughtful gifts and some of the conversations were centered around him moving out here. I noticed hesitation here and there, but didn't think too much about it and never pressured him even though time was getting close and he hadn't gotten much further than talking about it. Basically he seemed to be sold out and we were going to spend our entire lives together- I was sure of it... until... I got a call from him earlier than usual and he was drunk off his butt ... this was last Saturday... now he's professing MAJOR undying love and concerning the drinking, I thought, whatever. Then later that night I get a text from stating that he can't be trusted and that he showed that earlier that day... I'm like, 'what does that mean??' When I talked to him the next day he was VERY indifferent and sort of mean... I'm like, 'what did I do?' He was accusing me of a lot of things, none of which I was guilty of and during this entire relationship I was making it a point not talk about his drinking (he seemed to have stopped after about 2 weeks of us talking), pressure him about moving out here, etc... then he said something about working with him in a really mean way and I said, well why don't you just ask me to work with you... he changed his tune COMPLETELY and asked really nice and loving, just like that he was back to normal- we talked for about 6 more hours and everything seemed fine. Now we're into Monday and I felt something weird and he was very indifferent... Tuesday was even more of the same except add some hatred and a mean spirit... then Wednesday I sent him a really nice email ( I didn't want to because he was being so horrible, but did anyway) and got back a very cruel 'dear John' email... he blamed everything on me and had changed his mind and that pretty much I was horrible. In 25 years for the most part I had never been uncool to him and always weighed my words carefully... this time though I did stick up for myself and had my own mind. He closed his cruel email saying he saw no need for any further communication... That made me mad and I calmed down and wrote back exactly what I thought. What is this??? It all happened after he drank... and just to throw out there, it's not like he didn't know who I was or my past because he was in a lot of it... Anyway, thank you for any responses, I really would like to understand what happened, and why... Edited May 31, 2021 by pureinheart Link to post Share on other sites
maggiemtn Posted June 1, 2021 Share Posted June 1, 2021 He seems very unstable. It’s possible his rude behavior was an effort to get you to leave him so he could play the victim. It also sounds like he has an alcohol problem and you wanna stay very far away from that. Be glad he’s gone because you don’t want to live your life constantly wondering if today he’ll be nice to you or horrible. That’s not healthy at all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Pumpernickel Posted June 1, 2021 Share Posted June 1, 2021 I am so confused. Do you both like to drink (or just him)? Have you guys been in a legit relationship, or just long-distance in different cities? If so, how much did you actually see him in person? I don't understand the timeline, and the issues he's complaining about. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pureinheart Posted June 5, 2021 Author Share Posted June 5, 2021 On 6/1/2021 at 10:41 AM, Pumpernickel said: I am so confused. Do you both like to drink (or just him)? Have you guys been in a legit relationship, or just long-distance in different cities? If so, how much did you actually see him in person? I don't understand the timeline, and the issues he's complaining about. Hi Pumpernickel, I don't drink, so it's just him.. Possibly my definition is different concerning legitimacy. We met in 1996 at work and dated for several months, he had to go back home due to the job assignment being over, so we split, but remained in touch. He moved back out to my area about a year later. During this time until about 1999 we were back and forth a lot and I didn't take any of it seriously. The last time I saw him in person was 2005 when I went out to visit him (he moved back to his hometown) and it just wasn't there, meaning I still had a hard time taking him seriously. From this point on it's been all long distance. In 2015 or so we got back together and it was a little more serious, although he had been shipped off overseas and it was difficult to communicate so we lost touch. In the beginning of 2017 he contacted me and we started things up yet again, although this time it was way more intense with us deciding to meet/start a new life in another state... I quit answering his calls because he seemed to be really angry and the only time we talked was on his drive home from work (this lasted a few months). Now this last time, which was a few months ago, I contacted him apologizing for not ending it the proper way and told him I thought that our friendship was more important than anything... and he initiated us getting back together for real this time... he was completely different and very into our relationship... the effort he put in was absolutely what I had wanted all along and then bammm. You know, I'm not sure either what he was complaining about lol... this has all been very weird for me... Link to post Share on other sites
Author pureinheart Posted June 5, 2021 Author Share Posted June 5, 2021 On 6/1/2021 at 10:16 AM, maggiemtn said: He seems very unstable. It’s possible his rude behavior was an effort to get you to leave him so he could play the victim. It also sounds like he has an alcohol problem and you wanna stay very far away from that. Be glad he’s gone because you don’t want to live your life constantly wondering if today he’ll be nice to you or horrible. That’s not healthy at all. Hi maggiemtn, I think you nailed it, and it's what I thought too (bold). You're probably right, I think he is a full-blown alcoholic and I so did not want to believe that as that is a dealbreaker. Having a sane happy life just doesn't happen with an alcoholic. Once I get through this grieving process (it's almost concluded), I will be very glad this did not turn out the way I had hoped... it's a big sea out there with lots and lots of fish! Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 5, 2021 Share Posted June 5, 2021 Seems like someone with drinking problems and a difficult personality There's no need to be friends with someone like this. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps Why allow an open door in your life to this type of negativity? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pureinheart Posted June 9, 2021 Author Share Posted June 9, 2021 On 6/5/2021 at 4:12 AM, Wiseman2 said: Seems like someone with drinking problems and a difficult personality There's no need to be friends with someone like this. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps Why allow an open door in your life to this type of negativity? This is a very good question and I should have asked myself this the first time we broke up over 25 years ago... Link to post Share on other sites
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