12 years since break up and bang, hurting again after seeing him!

[Searchin81]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This guy doesn't sound like much of a prize, OP. 

What kind of man bahaves the way he does when he's married to or dating someone else? 

 

I lost a lot. I could have been a much better partner, knowing what I know now and the outlook i have now. I was probably to hard on him then, and didn’t enjoy life as much, I was driven, stubborn, fiesty. And mistook his big heart and kindness for weakness. I thought he was a weak person because he could never say no to people. Ugh now  I’m up can’t sleep. Couldn’t help but look at his social media. I always stopped mysely from looking. I just look and think of all the love I lost and what could have been. To me he really was a great person and man with a lot of love in him and he just wanted love. And I wasn’t equipped back then. I’ve grown more sensitive and compassionate with age… and he was pivotal in that. I look at his pics and say that’s how I should be. So much love, fun and warmth.  I feel cold, in comparison, as I’m a much more not show ur emotions type, carry on, stiff lip, firm and steady. That’s how i was brought up. He showed me love. The only person ever, and I ruined it. Sure he wasn’t aLways an angel. Like the episode of Oprah when Iyanla Vanzant said she didn’t know how to  receive the love and trust Oprah was giving her… I didn’t know how to recive the love. I never had an affectionate family growing up. Somtimes I get angery at my up bringing for making me lose the love of my life because I didn’t know how to give the love back. It was only hard lessons and that quote that woke me up.

But Not sure why he loved me so much. I mean if he meant it all those years later who knows. We had such a great chemistry in every way. Humor, sexual, there was intense passion, and it was so special in so many ways. I belive the love was and is deep and abiding and is still there regardless of the years between. He will prob be the one I am thinking of on my death bed. And I’ll still have the pain right smack in the middle of my heart. I littlerly feel pangs in my chest. I’m just so sad. 

[elaine567]

On 6/1/2021 at 7:05 AM, Searchin81 said:

in dec 2019 he sent me some memes and didn’t say anything… and I got them like a week apart after a long time of no texting…

What did these memes actually say? Memes are not usually just random. They are sent to convey a message.
If you still have them look at them with fresh eyes

[Searchin81]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

What did these memes actually say? Memes are not usually just random. They are sent to convey a message.
If you still have them look at them with fresh eyes

There where no words… just a funny picture of someone shaking their head with attitude with the letters “hmmmm hmmm”. That was a year and half ago dec 2019” I didn’t write anything back… maybe I should have ugh.. I felt he was baiting me to make a conversation rather than him say something. I think I gave it a like or somehting, I know I wrote nothing back. I don’t have the messages anymore.. then last June I sent him an emoji of myself… but he never wrote anything back or liked it. 

[elaine567]

I would text him see where it goes, but be very mindful of ending up as a FWB or in an OW role.
Women who are "in love" can end with less as they are desperate to have him in their lives and hope it will progress into something serious again, there is a tendency to romanticise, whereas men may just see it as extra attention and sex.
Be careful.

[Searchin81]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I would text him see where it goes, but be very mindful of ending up as a FWB or in an OW role.
Women who are "in love" can end with less as they are desperate to have him in their lives and hope it will progress into something serious again, there is a tendency to romanticise, whereas men may just see it as extra attention and sex.
Be careful.

I wonder what he felt like when he walked away after seeing me. I think he did seem alittle sad, as if he wanted to talk to me. I also wish I was alittle more chatty it was just so unexpected for both of us I didn’t know what to do , other than shake his and and ask how he was. I didn’t offer a hug or anything, just made small talk then turned around to who I was previously talking too.. I didn’t even say goodbye or end the conversation, just turned my back, part of the reason I did this is because the gf was standing in the back round and I didn’t want him to introduce her to me. It looked like that was going to happen. 

[Searchin81]

11 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I would text him see where it goes, but be very mindful of ending up as a FWB or in an OW role.
Women who are "in love" can end with less as they are desperate to have him in their lives and hope it will progress into something serious again, there is a tendency to romanticise, whereas men may just see it as extra attention and sex.
Be careful.

I feel like I had him right in front of me which never happens obviously, and I blew my chance because I was taken aback. As was he 

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, Searchin81 said:

I wonder what he felt like when he walked away after seeing me. I think he did seem alittle sad, as if he wanted to talk to me. I also wish I was alittle more chatty it was just so unexpected for both of us I didn’t know what to do , other than shake his and and ask how he was. I didn’t offer a hug or anything, just made small talk then turned around to who I was previously talking too.. I didn’t even say goodbye or end the conversation, just turned my back, part of the reason I did this is because the gf was standing in the back round and I didn’t want him to introduce her to me. It looked like that was going to happen. 

A relationship between a late 40s guy and a 25 yo is likely going nowhere. She, unless desperate or pregnant will soon dump him.
So, if you want him, get in there and show some real interest.
All he can really do is say no, it is not as if you are facing down some serious, scary enemy..
Do it. 

[Searchin81]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

A relationship between a late 40s guy and a 25 yo is likely going nowhere. She, unless desperate or pregnant will soon dump him.
So, if you want him, get in there and show some real interest.
All he can really do is say no, it is not as if you are facing down some serious, scary enemy..
Do it. 

He’s also Facebook friends with her mother lol.. but ur right about the age difference it just seems so odd to me that is a very big gap and it strange to me to think that they where only 10 the same year when I first met him in 2005.  
 

im not afraid of her, I’m afraid of him and not being answered, especially after he ignored my emoji last year. Also afraid of what he might say. Like I’m happy now not interested, I want my 25yo gf. Lol 

[Searchin81]

14 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

A relationship between a late 40s guy and a 25 yo is likely going nowhere. She, unless desperate or pregnant will soon dump him.
So, if you want him, get in there and show some real interest.
All he can really do is say no, it is not as if you are facing down some serious, scary enemy..
Do it. 

Also thinking of going through one of his good friends who I am Facebook friends with. I feel like asking him how my ex is, and that I don’t want to bother or text him and see what he says. Is this indirect way a good idea? 
 

also from nosing around in fb, I think he been with this person since 2018,  3 years now.. so he must started dating her when she was 22

Edited June 3, 2021 by Searchin81

[Wiseman2]

This isn't really about him. The best way to fortify yourself is to be happy with your own life, relationships, work, interests, friends, family, home situation, etc. 

That way this wouldn't phase you, it would just be "oh well that's chapter is over and in the past"

The worst thing you can do is not delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Do that asap.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Searchin81 said:

Also thinking of going through one of his good friends who I am Facebook friends with. I feel like asking him how my ex is, and that I don’t want to bother or text him and see what he says. Is this indirect way a good idea? 

No, it's really not. 

Look, you guys aren't teens anymore. Put on your Big Girl pants and speak to him directly. Communicate, adult to adult. You are afraid he won't feel the same way and you'll be rejected, and that might happen. But then at least you will know. Hiding behind your fear isn't going to make it go away.

Other people cannot and should not speak for him. 

 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

On 5/31/2021 at 2:20 AM, Searchin81 said:

So I ran into my ex last night. I haven’t seen him or text with him since 2017.. I still have thought about him often, but it’s kind of a pain that is there, but life moved on. Please check my old post if u want more specifics on our history.. in. Brief.. broke up 2009, he married shortly after, told me he always loved me the most, ended up divorced, we talked for a few years he always told me I was The one, not sure I believed him as he never made actions to get back together.. anyway..

I was at a bar last night celebrating the long weekend, I turn around and who is right behind me… we where both shocked..last time I got a text from him was end of 2019 and it was just a meme.. he will sometimes send me a meme but doesn’t say anything, as if he expects I will start the conversation, but I got hard and stoped going for the bate and would only put a “like”. So now I’m missing him all over, my heart is hurting, he kept looking at me all night and trying to not look, while he is with someone who is 22 years younger than he is.  I get the feeling that he always loved me the most but no clue about why he doesn’t do anything. 
 

I just can’t believe home much I still deeply love him after all these years.. it is not like this for anyone else I ever was with. I think he feels the same way and once he told me a few years ago.. “that every single time he sees me  “It kills him, and kills him to leave me”.  And one time  in 2016 crying on my shoulder he said “don’t give up on me and I won’t give up on you”, I dont know what he expects me to do in not giving up. 

I kept my conversation with him very brief just formal “how are you “ and I turned around to continue my conversation I was having with a friend. Then seen him with his significant other, but he kept looking in my direction, then walked by me and said my name as he was Leaving with his significant other in front of him. 

im just now in shambles and can’t stop thinking about him, couldn’t sleep, wondering if I should text him. I feel like it could be true love but neither of us know what to do. 
 

thoughs? Suggestions?

Ugh, this sucks. Sometimes our brains can trick us into thinking of someone as the One who got away, when in reality we are only remaining emotionally attached because we couldn't actually GET the person. 

I had a similar situation, and it was many years before I realized he was just a regular dude. The fact that I couldn't have him made him seem like some wonderful, special, once-in-a lifetime being when he wasn't. In other words, I had a bad case of Oneitis.

Also, he is CHOOSING not to be with you. For whatever reason, he's not into you romantically. Him getting married to someone else is the ultimate insult, and perhaps it's time to seek some therapy to find out why you're still hanging on emotionally.

[Searchin81]

So I know ive been asked about what the memes.. where.. I just figured out how to restore lost messages.. and I was wrong he text me before Dec 2019 also.. In July 2019 I got a blank message... He dint write anything.. Just a blank bubble.. prob as a way to let me know he was thinking of me without writing anything or baiting me to write something.. But it was an empty bubble.. I gave it just a "Thumbs Up" and didnt say anything.. The next one was in october 2019.. that was the meme with the Mmm Hmmm.. and the next one, the last one was in December 2019 Just saying My nick name,, and I simply replied by saying his name.. And that was it. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you're really over-idealizing this guy, OP. 

Flirting and chatting with other women behind his ex-wife's and girlfriend's back? Gross. He's not a great person but you're romanticizing the past too much to see it. 

What makes you think he would not do exactly the same thing to you? 

Look, I know you feel he is the great love of your life. But I don't see anything that suggets he genuinely feels the same way about you. In fact, he seems to view you more as the one he goes to for attention and validation when he's bored in whatever relationship he's in - a distraction and some flirting. The random texts he's sent you over the years are essentially meaningless, they're breadcrumbs for attention. Literally, he writes next to nothing and doesn't really interact with you. He doesn't appear to assign the deep emotional meaning to these interactions as you do, which is why I think you're going to end up in a world of pain for this person. 

Edited June 4, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Searchin81 said:

.. prob as a way to let me know he was thinking of me 

You need to delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Move forward in peace without all the nonsense.

[Searchin81]

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think you're really over-idealizing this guy, OP. 

Flirting and chatting with other women behind his ex-wife's and girlfriend's back? Gross. He's not a great person but you're romanticizing the past too much to see it. 

What makes you think he would not do exactly the same thing to you? 

Look, I know you feel he is the great love of your life. But I don't see anything that suggets he genuinely feels the same way about you. In fact, he seems to view you more as the one he goes to for attention and validation when he's bored in whatever relationship he's in - a distraction and some flirting. The random texts he's sent you over the years are essentially meaningless, they're breadcrumbs for attention. Literally, he writes next to nothing and doesn't really interact with you. He doesn't appear to assign the deep emotional meaning to these interactions as you do, which is why I think you're going to end up in a world of pain for this person. 

This is probably all the truth. Very excellent insight.  And I’ve been on a world of pain for him, I’ve been fine for a long time I’m trying my best.this just jolted me 

[stillafool]

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Flirting and chatting with other women behind his ex-wife's and girlfriend's back? Gross.

I agree this is gross to do this while with her.  He could just be flirting to get a rise out of her.  Him being the old man he may just want her to think he's still hot and other women want him too.  At any rate he was acting sleazy.  Has he called you since then to talk to you about his feelings?  If you haven't heard from him by now he was just blowing smoke.

[Searchin81]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

I agree this is gross to do this while with her.  He could just be flirting to get a rise out of her.  Him being the old man he may just want her to think he's still hot and other women want him too.  At any rate he was acting sleazy.  Has he called you since then to talk to you about his feelings?  If you haven't heard from him by now he was just blowing smoke.

No I haven’t heard from him. I haven’t got a text from him since dec 2019. I just think back on the things he said like “don’t give up on me and I won’t give up on u “ when he was in hysterics crying on my shoulders, Litterly. That’s what makes it confusing and yet after all that I don’t feel he wanted me back. I could be wrong. Maybe I just don’t understand him. But then o finally had enough of his bf when he stated dating someone else not the one he with now, and stopped texting. Other than him sending a meme that says hmm mmm or just sending my nick name or blank text. Maybe he scared too. I just don’t know. I don’t know what he wants from me. That’s the confusing part. 

[Searchin81]

I just don’t know what to do. I still can’t stop thinking I’d him. He was even in my dream last night and I woke up in tears.I’ve never cried in my sleep before 

[ExpatInItaly]

Gently and with respect, perhaps it's time for professional help. 

To be this hung up on and emotionally-distraught by a guy who barely even talks to you anymore suggests you could benefit from some compassionate guidance. This is less about some doofus from your past who sends breadcrumbs when he wants attention, and more about your attachment to something that ended (for all intents and purposes) a long time ago.

He's just messing around and clealry doesn't care very much, but you're in an emotional hurricane. Take care of you now, and seek out the help you deserve to let this all go. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Searchin81 said:

 I woke up in tears.I’ve never cried in my sleep before 

Have you seen a physician about the moods and anxiety?

That's the place to start. Get a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

This has nothing to do with him. Your despair and chronic sadness is what you need to address, not his social media.

[ctdans]

Wow, what a mess.

You are swooning over a man that doesn't even give you a full conversation.  He drops little meme's to your phone, barely says hello in a bar, and you are losing sleep and crying over him?

Sit back for just a minute and seriously ask yourself that if he truly says you are the one for him and the love of his life - why in god's name has he not called?  Why do YOU have to chase HIM?  He is filling his time with other women so he is not going without companionship or sex.  Maybe he has no real love but if YOU were his true love he would have fought for that relationship long ago.

He is toying with you and that is not love.  I am no expert but I feel if you pursue this you will be hurt.  Tread carefully.  

 

[stillafool]

On 6/4/2021 at 2:02 PM, Searchin81 said:

I don’t know what he wants from me. That’s the confusing part. 

It seems like he just wanted an ego boost in front of his young gf.  If he hasn't contacted you since then it's apparently - nothing.

[Searchin81]

48 minutes ago, stillafool said:

It seems like he just wanted an ego boost in front of his young gf.  If he hasn't contacted you since then it's apparently - nothing.

Probably true. I have not heard anything. I have got back on balance. Seeing him through me off. I still think about it often but not as upset as I was. It still hurts somtimes. but nothing I can do

[stillafool]

12 minutes ago, Searchin81 said:

Probably true. I have not heard anything. I have got back on balance. Seeing him through me off. I still think about it often but not as upset as I was. It still hurts somtimes. but nothing I can do

You'll be okay.  The next time you run into him and he starts spitting his garbage - laugh in his face as you walk away shaking your head.  Seriously!  Throw him off nex time.