I just totally violated my sons privacy and feel awful

[grays]

A year ago I found out that my kid’s best friend was arrested for public intoxication and had been taking pills.  When I found out about the pills I cut off all contact between them and they haven’t had any communication since.  The friend died of a fentanyl OD two weeks ago (he apparently took one Percocet but it had fentanyl on it), 15 yo ffs.  I am so happy my kid was far away.  I just have this image of the two of them and their other close friend from preschool sitting around and this kid saying “hey, ya wanna Percocet?” and it turns my stomach so bad.

So tonight I was sitting with this kid’s mom, my best friend, and she asked me if I had ever found anything in my kid’s room and I said of course not, I’d never go rummaging through his stuff.  And of course she said “you need to!”  It was almost haunting to how she said it, like you don’t want to look back and wish you had...  I got home, thought about it for a bit, and then impulsively got up and walked in there (he’s at his dad’s rn) not sure even what I was gonna do, opened a drawer and immediately see a giant dildo.  

Now I just feel awful.  I’m sitting here wondering why on earth my 17 yo son has a freaking dildo but feeling STRONGLY that it’s none of my business.  Mostly I’m just mortified that I overstepped like that.  Plus, I’ve completely failed at the drug search and there’s no way I’m gonna go in there and open another drawer.  

So tell me that I’m not a horrible person and that I can somehow forget what I saw/stop wondering why he has it, preferably before I get him back from his dad.  Seriously, if I could undo this I would in a heartbeat.

Also there’s no reason to talk to him about this, right?  He would be furious and rightly so.  This is not a high point of my mothering.  

[Wiseman2]

Both you and his father are responsible for his health, wellbeing and safety. If friends are dying from drug overdose, it's wise to be on top of things.

You're getting too confused between something you are uncomfortable with,such as his sexuality and important matters such as friends who use drugs.

Forget the sex toys. Focus on good parenting and co-parenting. 

How is he doing in school? How is he doing with sports, college goals,dating,etc.?

Are there signs he's using drugs?

[grays]

28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Both you and his father are responsible for his health, wellbeing and safety. If friends are dying from drug overdose, it's wise to be on top of things.

You're getting too confused between something you are uncomfortable with,such as his sexuality and important matters such as friends who use drugs.

Forget the sex toys. Focus on good parenting and co-parenting. 

How is he doing in school? How is he doing with sports, college goals,dating,etc.?

Are there signs he's using drugs?

If there was some way that I could search his room for drugs while somehow being blind to everything else I would probably do that.  But I think he should be able to feel confident that his space is private and that we aren’t going to be poking around in it.  

The only reason I have to suspect possible drug use is that he has told me about past drug use.  But I’m pretty sure it’s been about a year since that last time he smoked pot.  But you know you can just never be sure and it was pretty scary that this kid just died like that.  But my kid hasn’t done anything to make me suspicious.

[Blind-Sided]

You looked in your kid's room... and you had reason to.  Why would you feel bad about that?  But keep in mind... just because he had a friend who was a pill popper... doesn't mean he is also.  When I was a kid... a had a couple buddies who were pot heads... but I didn't turn into a pot head also. 

And finally... just as a thought... if he is with his dad... then his drugs aren't there anyway.   If you want to know... you need to look into whatever bag he uses when he goes back and forth. 

 

[grays]

9 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

You looked in your kid's room... and you had reason to.  Why would you feel bad about that?  But keep in mind... just because he had a friend who was a pill popper... doesn't mean he is also.  When I was a kid... a had a couple buddies who were pot heads... but I didn't turn into a pot head also. 

And finally... just as a thought... if he is with his dad... then his drugs aren't there anyway.   If you want to know... you need to look into whatever bag he uses when he goes back and forth. 

 

Yeah, I agree about the bag thing.  Ugh.

[Pumpernickel]

Don’t feel guilty! You did nothing wrong, you just wanted to protect. What you found was not what you expected. But: At least you found no drugs/pills! Keep the gates of communication open ..... always ...... and try to talk gently about his friend’s passing. Also clue in the dad (not about the sex toy, obviously). That way you can work together as a parent team to provide the proper guidance, and you won’t feel so alone. 

[grays]

4 hours ago, Pumpernickel said:

Don’t feel guilty! You did nothing wrong, you just wanted to protect. What you found was not what you expected. But: At least you found no drugs/pills! Keep the gates of communication open ..... always ...... and try to talk gently about his friend’s passing. Also clue in the dad (not about the sex toy, obviously). That way you can work together as a parent team to provide the proper guidance, and you won’t feel so alone. 

Thank you!  I’m feeling a lot better about it now.  I had a talk with him tonight about his friend and about drugs generally.  And I was a little worried about nic juice bc apparently all of the kids are doing it.  Cigarettes are the only thing I’ve been addicted to and I really fear it for my kids, so we had a big talk about that.  It felt like a big relief to just connect with him bc he is that 17 yo who wants to be in his room with the door shut.  Phew!

There’re a lot of things that are awful about his dad, but I trust him to handle these kinds of things well and we have open communication about it and that is a comfort.

[anthon]

Your a parent. it's you job to keep and eye on your children. Parenting 101. I'd go back and see if there are drugs involved. Nothing to be ashamed about here. he's your child. not your friend..

[grays]

29 minutes ago, anthon said:

Your a parent. it's you job to keep and eye on your children. Parenting 101. I'd go back and see if there are drugs involved. Nothing to be ashamed about here. he's your child. not your friend..

I hear you but he’s also 17 and 9 months old and hasn’t given me anything to worry about.  The only reason I was worried was bc of what happened to his friend but it wasn’t like they were hanging out together.  They hadn’t had any contact since last summer.  I’d feel bad enough about searching his room with a good reason to do it.

When I cut him off from this kid I hated doing it but I thought it was absolutely necessary — and I was obviously right.  But this isn’t so much about what he’s been up to as it is about what it feels like to hear that my friend’s son died and see what’s going on in her life.

My kid has told me things that most kids don’t talk to their parents about, things that I did as a teen that I would never have told my mother about.  It’s all well and good to “not be their friend” but I have a bit of an in with him because I am his friend.  I’m also his parent, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t allow him autonomy and treat him like the very-near-grownup that he is.  

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, grays said:

My kid has told me things that most kids don’t talk to their parents about

This is key. 

I would also have searched his room. I would feel badly about that. 

That said, the important thing is that you are talking with your son about the overdose and the dangers of drug use. At 17 years 9 months, he is soon going to be of legal age. Your influence and your ability to “keep him away” and “search his room” is waning... Important that you give him the information and guide him to make good decisions for himself as he moves toward adulthood...

[grays]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

This is key. 

I would also have searched his room. I would feel badly about that. 

That said, the important thing is that you are talking with your son about the overdose and the dangers of drug use. At 17 years 9 months, he is soon going to be of legal age. Your influence and your ability to “keep him away” and “search his room” is waning... Important that you give him the information and guide him to make good decisions for himself as he moves toward adulthood...

The fact that he’s about to turn 18 is a double edged sword.  I wanna treat him like the near-adult that he is but it’s also my last chance to assert my will over him.  But, thank goodness, I don’t think I have to.  Also, I’m kinda happy to be raising them at a time where a lot of kids stay home longer than they used to.  I want him to be independent and all that, but really happy he’s going to community college for now and living at home.  

[mark clemson]

Forget about the dildo. IF there's something to say about that, you'll know when he's ready to tell you. If you found no drugs be glad. Hopefully the friend's tragic OD was a lesson that he will take to heart.

[Donnas]

Best is to think things true ,like why are you doing this,instead of hear people telling you to do it and run home to apply it.

Its your house ,your responsability.

He is underage and living there.So you need to be for sure aware of what is happening. You ddnt do nothing wrong.

Many parents may it a "normal task"" to tell their kids they clean their room everyday or once a month you doing all the bedsheets ,depends also on the age, this way they take a look in their kids room also.

Dildo in sons room is weird. It can also just be that he and his freinds were joking and he took it home. Looks like you guys have no trust and space where he feels free to talk to you. You can ask him about it calmly. And privately. And work on your parenting,with professionals.

You seem scared to do stuff.