My ex and I broke up and ruined our childhood friendship. This one really bothered me.

[CLG128]

First off, this is a long story so I'll try my best to keep it to the key points. Bear with me, but there's a lot to explain. I appreciate you taking the time to read and offer advice.

My ex is 36F and I am 34M. We dated for 6 months.

My now ex girlfriend and I used to be very good friends growing up, her family considered me a part of their family. She dated one of my old friends at the time but when they broke up we all drifted off. Fast forward 17 years later I find her on fb. We added each other and started talking. She came to one of my house parties ( I had just bought a home so it was my first welcoming party ) and we reconnected. Started talking more and I asked if she was single, she said she was but she got out of a really bad relationship only a couple months prior and she wanted to take her time before getting into anything serious too soon. I guess the guy treated her so horribly for 4 years that she said she was still a bit traumatized from all of it. I was totally cool with that. We lived a bit of distance apart, one hour to be exact, so I knew I couldn't see her all the time with our work schedules. We agreed to see each other at least 2-3 times a week.

As the weeks went by things really went fast, she was overly excited to see me and talk to me everyday as was I. She introduced me to her son right away, which she said she never did to anyone besides her ex ( who didn't care to get to know him at all and is a great kid btw ) and honestly it felt like her and I were already together. I asked her one night "Is this what's going on? Are we together?" and she said that she doesn't see why not, because it's the same thing that was going on now. So we agreed to be exclusive. It all made sense at the time, her family loved me ( especially her mother ) her kid liked me, and we had a good history back in the day. She told me all of these things made her feel super happy.

Now at this point I already felt my feelings were developing, I felt safe because of our prior history and established connection from our past. I had also been through a bad relationship in the past which took me a long time to recover from. So I can definitely admit I hold scars from being cheated on and beat up mentally. I told her about that and she said there was nothing for me to worry about. So it was easy for me to take my guard down and open to her. We both agreed we were instantly comfortable. I fell in love with her faster than I expected.

The weeks went on and one night we had a serious conversation, as a matter of fact, I brought up something about making our relationship status on fb official, she said she still didn't feel like she was fully there to give her all into a relationship at the time and that if we didn't work out, she hopes we could still be friends. She said her past relationship that ended so badly kept her from being able to fully move forward. She asked if I could handle that. To be perfectly honest, that didn't make me feel very comfortable. It made me feel like I was being set up to fail. It worried me quite a bit, to the point I was questioning the relationship. What if she will never fully get over her past? Then what am I doing here? I told her to tell me what she needed many times, as in a break, taking things slower, or did she need time to herself by being single. She just told me not to worry so much and keep our relationship going. I still had that nagging thought in my head though. I know she noticed I was uncomfortable as the weeks went on but I hoped for the best.

Fast forward a few weeks and I noticed she started becoming more distant. Less texts, less calls, more secretive,, and when I started to ask her about hanging out ( which we could barely do like I mentioned ) she started to make excuses like she just wanted time alone or to catch up on things. At first I didn't question it as much. I knew our work schedules were hard, so I looked forward to seeing her when I could make time. But all this started to make me think back to what she talked about before, not being ready. I questioned it again and she still gave me the same thing, that she wanted to keep things going and hope for the best. These conversations were uncomfortable for both of us, but I needed to know.

Fast forward near the end. I didn't end up seeing her for two weeks. I was starting to become nervous and frustrated because I couldn't get a answer. I felt like I was dangling on a string. I should have left then and there, but I already cared for her deeply and chose to stay hoping things would get better. Big mistake. I'll admit I thought lots of things, like maybe she was seeing someone else, maybe she was hiding things. Definitely wasn't good on my end to think so negatively, but since I was scarred in the past, I wondered if this was going to happen again. I may never know if my thoughts were true though. We discussed this too, which she reassured me there wasn't anyone else, but I'll never know.

At this time, I already became close to her mother again. She would call me to give her rides ( her mom was old ) and I felt like I couldn't open up to my girlfriend, so I confided in her mom who treated me like a son. Her mom knew how down I was and did her best to keep me up. Her mom wanted me to stay with her badly. She said she knew I was a good man and could give her daughter and her grandson a good life. Her mother told me that her daughter had a history of being very indecisive. She sided with me and told me to really question if I wanted this to work or not. I chose to keep my hopes alive. She actually talked to her daughter about what we discussed and she told her mom that she felt she constantly had to reassure me and that she cared for me, but wasn't there where she needed to be. She also said to her mother that I should spend more time with friends, which honestly I would have liked to! But seeing as I'm older now and my work schedule is so demanding, the only free time I could get I chose to give her. I feel really bad her mom got involved but honestly I felt safe enough to talk to her because at this point I felt couldn't talk to my girlfriend because the discussions were pushing her away. Her mom is a good person for trying, but I definitely regret her trying to help fix things. She's a great woman for caring, but I know it wasn't good.

Last day we talked, it had been two weeks since I last saw her, we barely talked in that time and she finally told me that she was feeling the pressure of being in a relationship and she wasn't ready because she didn't give herself time to get over the last bad relationship. I apologized for the mistakes I made by feeling I was pushing it to happen, talking with her mother, which I felt made her go back further. She told me that I didn't have to apologize. She just knew she couldn't give me what I needed in a relationship. She said she would maybe be open to being friends again, which I told her I wasn't ready for that because I needed time to heal. I was as understanding as I could be and very calm about the whole thing. Afterwards she unfriended me on fb. The last I heard of her is she dropped my stuff off at my door unexpectedly and texted me about it and wished me well. I responded by telling her I don't hate her, but I was hurt about how things ended. I also said that if she ever wanted to reach out, I'll be there. I haven't attempted to reach out since because like I said, I had to be understanding and accepting of her wishes.

I guess I just feel horrible because I know I tried my best here. I'm not fully blaming her, because it takes two, but she could have been upfront if things were progressing too fast and she wasn't ready. Instead she kept me going and giving me so many mixed signals. She told me she was happy to be with someone who cared for her and her son, how nice it was to be with someone who didn't make her feel bad, and talked about future plans. At the same time, she would tell me she wanted those things, but she said she wanted to be free. Everything was so confusing. Why would you tell someone these things but shoot them down later? I couldn't help but feel bothered by all of this.

I asked one of my close friends if I was just being insecure, in which he told me yes that I was, but my insecurities were not totally unfounded.

After it ended I started reading into commitment phobia, which I really started to suspect she had. I believe it stemmed from her bad relationship that she had prior and how she was just "stunted" and had a bad view of relationships in general. She told me she felt a relationship would bind her from her freedom, which I never wanted to do. I just simply wanted answers from the hot and cold treatment I was getting. Literally everything I read about commitment phobia was like her, she string of short non committed relationships, ignoring responsibility and problems, trouble making decisions, putting distance. It was ALL there.

I do regret our friendship ending the way it did though. I just wish our communication was better. Any advice to help me from feeling this way? It really sucks to know things ended like this. How would you have handled this guys? Was I wrong? Should I try to rekindle the friendship? Honest answers please.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, CLG128 said:

After it ended I started reading into commitment phobia, which I really started to suspect she had

She isn't commitment-phobic, she's rebounding. That was clear from the beginning, especially the fact that you two rushed into this relationship. Her introducing you to her child so soon was a big red flag rather than a sign of her love for you. She's trying to fill a void and have a family life, when it was obvious she wasn't yet over her previous ex. 

 

4 hours ago, CLG128 said:

I felt safe because of our prior history and established connection from our past.

I think you're over-idealizing this past and assigning it disproportionate meaning. You two were friends as kids, yes. But you have not been close in a long time, as evidenced by the fact that you apparently lost touch for 17 years. The history here is not as strong as you wanted to believe. 

4 hours ago, CLG128 said:

I felt like I couldn't open up to my girlfriend, so I confided in her mom

Not a good call, man, as you know realize. You need better boundaries. Confiding in a girlfriend's family member about your relationship woes is not a good idea. It violates the trust between you and your girlfriend and puts undue pressure on your now-ex to do what her mom wants, but what her mom wants is irrelevant. That isn't fair and it dismisses what your ex was telling you about her own needs and desires - even if those needs were not what you hoped to hear. I realize you and her mom knew each other a long time ago, but I would be more than a little upset if I knew my boyfriend was confiding in my mother about our relationship issues. 

 

4 hours ago, CLG128 said:

I guess I just feel horrible because I know I tried my best here.

And you do indeed seem like a good guy, despite some of the fumbles here. The problem is that how hard you try isn't going to make a difference when someone isn't over their past relationship and has not healed. You could be Mr Wonderful but if someone is rebounding, their ex is usually still taking up too much of their heart and mind for them to have room for anyone else. 

You did what you could, but I don't think there's any more you can do. She doesn't want the same things as you do from this, and has already made her choice. I would absolutely not try to rekindle the friendship, unless you want a front-row seat to the relationship she has after you. That will hurt like hell. Take time and space for yourself now, so you can heal. 

Edited June 2, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Way too much, way too soon.

It was just 24 weeks so not a lot of time invested.

Usually when someone comes out of the woodwork like this and comes on this fast and furious, they have an agenda. Often just got dumped and rebounding.

Step away, let the dust settle. That's all you can do. It will work itself out when you step back.

[CLG128]

Thanks for your replies. I know I definitely stepped over the boundaries there with her mom. Her mom was a great friend to me and I miss her as well. It's collateral damage though. I know that can never be again.

 

As for the ex, I'm sure I was kind of a rebound, from what she told me about her last relationship the guy treated her poorly and sent her on a emotional rollercoaster for 4 years. I sympathize with that as I had a woman do that to me once before. It's not fun. I treated my now ex very good to show her that someone could value her the right way, which I did. I gave her my time, energy and compassion but it just wasn't enough to fill that void. I really don't think she wanted to hurt me, but if she truly felt that way she could have straight out told me. I would have understood like I do now.

 

It's been 3 weeks since we broke up, close to a month, I haven't reached out. But I almost want to make amends as a friend. Not that I have any intentions on getting back together, we are on totally different pages, but that I feel bad that our friendship took a dive into a bad spot. 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, CLG128 said:

I gave her my time, energy and compassion but it just wasn't enough to fill that void.

It's not really about filling a void, though. It's about not being in love with the ex anymore and being emotionally detached enough from them to really see another person. When you're hurting from a break-up, you don't really see others as options because you're just too hung up on the person you miss - the ex. The new person can be the most wonderful thing since cheesecake, but it won't make much difference when all you want is a chocolate tart (to use a bad analogy)

6 hours ago, CLG128 said:

But I almost want to make amends as a friend

Only do this if you could handle the thought of her dating someone else. Until you reach a point of relative indifference about that, being friends is not a good idea. 

[CLG128]

I see exactly what you are saying. I know how difficult it can be when you are still hurting from someone that hurt you. I've been down that road.

As for making amends, I know I can handle it. I've accepted what happened and take into account my own mistakes. I have a very forgiving heart. I know we are all not built the same, but I know my intentions are only good even for friendship. I would only hope she can see that.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, CLG128 said:

As for making amends, I know I can handle it. I've accepted what happened and take into account my own mistakes. I have a very forgiving heart. I know we are all not built the same, but I know my intentions are only good even for friendship. I would only hope she can see that.

I would give this time. 

Wait another 6 months before revisiting the friendship idea. Now isn't the time for it, because she'll likely only view this as you trying to orbit and wait for another chance. And really, be careful what you wish for. A lot of dumpees think they can handle their ex moving on, until they actually know they've met someone else and are happy with them. It would likely hurt you more than you realize. 

[Lotsgoingon]

You can go back to the friendship, but it will take some time ... real time ... like a decade!