My boyfriend sleeps with his dog every night

[nataliesen]

So me and my boyfriend have a long distance relationship. We both live in different country. He's from Europe and I'm an Island girl so we're pretty far from each other. I met him last year and we became best friend but then he confessed that he loves me. I didn't feel the same but after spending time everyday texting him I started to love him too and now were dating and he is the sweetest guy ever

We've known each other like 1 year now and there's one thing that started to creep me out. It's him having his dog with him every night. His dog is super cute I love his dog and I loves dog even though I'm allergic to their fur. We video call everyday and whenever he has his dog in his bedroom I like it because I get to see his dog because she is super cute. My boyfriend didn't have his dog with him every night before but last year he started to have the dog every night which I didn't mind at first but then it started to bother me and i would like some advices. 

It started to bother me when I see how obsess he is with his dog, but his obsession creeps me out. I love dogs but I don't like when you force them to do something. For example when his dog is sleeping peacefully he always try to life her up and hug her and I can see the dog trying to go away from him because she wants to sleep but he stop her from going away. I told him once 'why do you force her to stay with you when se just want to sleep' but he said she's is just so cute and i was like yeah you're right understandable. But he would do that a lot and it bothers me when the dog try to go away from him he force her to stay. 

Secondly, it started to bother me when i try to talk to him but he doesn't listen he is super like super focus on his dog like petting and give little kisses. When it happen I usually just wait for him to have his little moment with his dog because why not he can have his moment but then he take so much time and it start to bother me then i stay quiet and keep what i wanted to say for myself. I remember once he ask how was my day and i was super excited to talk about it and in the middle of the conversation he start focusing on his dog and didn't look at me anymore but i figured out that he is maybe not focus on me but maybe he is still listen to me then i kept on telling how my day was but then he was like 'aww my dog is so cute why are dog so cute' and i didn't finish about my days he cut me off so i was like ohh maybe he doesn't want to know about my day anymore then i stopped and replied to his questions saying 'they are cute because they are little angels' but after that i felt a little sad that he cut me off when i was talking but i told myself it is okay. but it repeated so many time since last year until now.

And then it started to creep me out is when he has his little moment of obsession with his dog. Before i just want to say It's just my mind I have a weird mind but i don't know if someone would feel the same as me in this situation if not then i would blame my mind and be quiet about it  but sometimes when he is so amazed by the cuteness of his dog always kisses her hug her put her and constantly asking me why she so cute? which i understand and it is fine the thing that makes me feel weird and uncomfortable is the sound he makes when petting her. We all do weird sound when we pet a dog or a cat  we're all like awwww dhfbwuehude something like that. But with him it's like awww mmm uhm (name of his dog) owww umm hum so cute its like weird moaning sound as if he is having an orgasm. I am maybe dramatic but his weird sound makes me uncomfortable.

Then when he start having his dog every night. Before i could see the dog didn't want to sleep in his bed room but he force the dog until the dog can't sleep without sleeping in his bedroom now. I knew it would happen. Before his mom didn't want the dog to sleep with him every night but then she let him because he told her that since she is a small dog and innocent she will be more safe here in case someone breaks in their house. When i heard that i was like is that an excuse to have her every night? then our intimacy became weird to me. We sleep together through the cam because he wants me to stay with him all day and night. He is very attached to me. but now when his dog sleep with him every night it started to bother me because it became every night. before i didn't mind because it wasn't every night. but when we have our intimacy moment ( if you know what i mean cuz let's be honest) then after that he is like ' I will be back i will get my dog then we all can be cosy in bed) even if it's through video call it bothers me because it's like ' ah i had a great time with my girlfriend now let me get my dog' then im like oh okay then. Because i wish he would let his dog sleep in her own bed and he started to realized that he act like he can't live without his dog when he has her all day. but i never said anything to it because it is his dog but when we met we never had this problem because he slept alone. but i stay quiet because who am I to be bothered about that. but it creeps me out sometimes as if he is so in love with his dog but again it is my mind i guess but i don't if you guys would feel the same if you could see how he is when he is around his dog... but i think i will just keep it for myself and never express to him that it bothers me... but i would like to hear your points of views and advices. Thank you for having a moment to read my concern  ( and sorry for my English grammar mistakes)

[basil67]

Hi newcomer, your English is great.  

I agree that the dog is a concern, but believe that the distance and that you've never met is more of an issue.   Before we get to the point of worrying about the dog, what are your plans to meet and take the relationship further?   If that works out, which one of you plans to move countries and live with the other? 

I worry that you will put your life on hold for this guy and then meet him and it won't work out.

 

[nataliesen]

@basil67 yes we were supposed to meet each other this year but because of the virus it won't be possible, and also since i'm planning to study abroad he wants to come with me and then we'll live together and our plans for the future is good because we want to have each other in our live forever and get married one day. If everything goes well of course

[Taramere]

He sounds sentimental and clingy to a degree that I suspect most people (and other animals, including his dog) would find a bit strange and possibly quite unpleasant.  It sounds as though he's set up this situation where an initially unwilling dog is now dependent on him...and as though that's the way he likes it.  Most people want to reduce separation anxiety in their dogs rather than encouraging it in the way he is.  Very needy, co-dependent sounding guy.  Poor dog.

[nataliesen]

4 minutes ago, Taramere said:

He sounds sentimental and clingy to a degree that I suspect most people (and other animals, including his dog) would find a bit strange and possibly quite unpleasant.  It sounds as though he's set up this situation where an initially unwilling dog is now dependent on him...and as though that's the way he likes it.  Most people want to reduce separation anxiety in their dogs rather than encouraging it in the way he is.  Very needy, co-dependent sounding guy.  Poor dog.

He is very sentimental yes but I don't know if i'm being too much or if you guys would feel the same too

[nataliesen]

30 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Hi newcomer, your English is great.  

I agree that the dog is a concern, but believe that the distance and that you've never met is more of an issue.   Before we get to the point of worrying about the dog, what are your plans to meet and take the relationship further?   If that works out, which one of you plans to move countries and live with the other? 

I worry that you will put your life on hold for this guy and then meet him and it won't work out.

 

yes we were supposed to meet each other this year but because of the virus it won't be possible, and also since i'm planning to study abroad he wants to come with me and then we'll live together and our plans for the future is good because we want to have each other in our live forever and get married one day. If everything goes well of course

[Taramere]

1 hour ago, newcomer12 said:

He is very sentimental yes but I don't know if i'm being too much or if you guys would feel the same too

I don't think you're being too much and I would feel creeped out by it too.  It's not just humans who have boundaries.  Animals have them too, and it really sounds as though he has a problem acknowledging and respecting his dog's boundaries.  When she's sleeping, it's because she's tired and needs restorative sleep - not because she's trying to look cute and wants a human to drool over how cute she looks, pick her up and cuddle her.  It's unfair to the dog, and it also makes me wonder what he'd be like with you if the two of you were living together.  Could you handle somebody you were living with emoting and exclaiming over your every movement in the way that he does with his dog? Because it might well be like that.  

To add...in terms of dogs sleeping in the same room as their owner, or even on the bed, that's not unusual at all. Most dogs probably prefer to sleep nearby to their human, given the choice. The concerning bit is the extent to which he can't seem to let his dog be.  What you describe sounds less like love and more like a sort of sentimental, suffocating objectification of another living creature.  

Edited June 2, 2021 by Taramere

[nataliesen]

17 minutes ago, Taramere said:

I don't think you're being too much and I would feel creeped out by it too.  It's not just humans who have boundaries.  Animals have them too, and it really sounds as though he has a problem acknowledging and respecting his dog's boundaries.  When she's sleeping, it's because she's tired and needs restorative sleep - not because she's trying to look cute and wants a human to drool over how cute she looks, pick her up and cuddle her.  It's unfair to the dog, and it also makes me wonder what he'd be like with you if the two of you were living together.  Could you handle somebody you were living with emoting and exclaiming over your every movement in the way that he does with his dog? Because it might well be like that.  

To add...in terms of dogs sleeping in the same room as their owner, or even on the bed, that's not unusual at all. Most dogs probably prefer to sleep nearby to their human, given the choice. The concerning bit is the extent to which he can't seem to let his dog be.  What you describe sounds less like love and more like a sort of sentimental, suffocating objectification of another living creature.  

He is not like that with me but you're right. and i wonder if he would let the dog sleep with us if we live together because i told him i'm allergic to them but i love them. it just bothers me sometimes that i don't get to have some intimacy with but also having some me and him moment when we used to talk and laugh without him being distracted by his dog and cut me off when i talk...

[Wiseman2]

How old is he? It seems like you are getting way ahead of yourself. 

How did you meet? It seems you are more obsessed with his dog than he is.

Slow down on the cyber fantasy. 

[nataliesen]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How old is he? It seems like you are getting way ahead of yourself. 

How did you meet? It seems you are more obsessed with his dog than he is.

Slow down on the cyber fantasy. 

He is 23 y.o, and may I know please how do i seem more obsess with the dog?( just to know cuz because your opinion might be helpful to me) 

and we met on instagram. about the cyber fantasy I don't know why you're saying that but me and him used to have so much fun talking and laughing also we'll play games together but then it change and from time to time it started to get super weird to the point i feel uncomfortable

[Taramere]

16 minutes ago, newcomer12 said:

He is not like that with me but you're right. and i wonder if he would let the dog sleep with us if we live together because i told him i'm allergic to them but i love them. it just bothers me sometimes that i don't get to have some intimacy with but also having some me and him moment when we used to talk and laugh without him being distracted by his dog and cut me off when i talk...

If you're allergic to dogs then that'sundoubtedly going to be a problem if the two of you live together.  Presumably you'd have to be dosed up on antihistamines on account of living in a house where there's a dog, whether or not she was sleeping on the bed?

 There are two main things coming from the post.  One is that you find his relationship with his dog a bit weird and disapprove of him pestering her when she's trying to sleep (and that would really bug me too).  The other is that his interaction with the dog interrupts your online time together and you feel as though he's paying more attention to his dog than he is to you.  Which of these two things would you see as the bigger problem?

Also, with regard to this...

Quote

 We sleep together through the cam because he wants me to stay with him all day and night. He is very attached to me. but now when his dog sleep with him every night it started to bother me because it became every night. before i didn't mind because it wasn't every night. but when we have our intimacy moment ( if you know what i mean cuz let's be honest) then after that he is like ' I will be back i will get my dog then we all can be cosy in bed) even if it's through video call it bothers me because it's like ' ah i had a great time with my girlfriend now let me get my dog' then im like oh okay then.

Does this mean you both have to have the camera filming you as you sleep?  Is that a situation you'd be okay with were it not for the added element of the dog interrupting some of your interactions?

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, newcomer12 said:

 how do i seem more obsess with the dog?

 then it change and from time to time it started to get super weird to the point i feel uncomfortable

Count how many times you mentioned his dog. Also turn off the cam. It's creepy.

Talk to your parents about this. There's something not right about a weirdo this far away having a cam recording you all night in your bedroom.

Turn that off. Tell your parents.

[Taramere]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Count how many times you mentioned his dog. Also turn off the cam. It's creepy.

Talk to your parents about this. There's something not right about a weirdo this far away having a cam recording you all night in your bedroom.

Turn that off. Tell your parents.

Yeah...a lot depends on the OP's age. The cam-as-you-sleep thing seems pretty strange to me, but I guess if they're both consenting adults then it's up to them.  @newcomer12, you mention future study plans.  Does this mean you're still at school?  How old are you?

Edited June 2, 2021 by Taramere

[nataliesen]

9 minutes ago, Taramere said:

If you're allergic to dogs then that'sundoubtedly going to be a problem if the two of you live together.  Presumably you'd have to be dosed up on antihistamines on account of living in a house where there's a dog, whether or not she was sleeping on the bed?

 There are two main things coming from the post.  One is that you find his relationship with his dog a bit weird and disapprove of him pestering her when she's trying to sleep (and that would really bug me too).  The other is that his interaction with the dog interrupts your online time together and you feel as though he's paying more attention to his dog than he is to you.  Which of these two things would you see as the bigger problem?

Also, with regard to this...

Does this mean you both have to have the camera filming you as you sleep?  Is that a situation you'd be okay with were it not for the added element of the dog interrupting some of your interactions?

I had two dogs in the past and I'm a dog lover the thing is that i don't like when people force dogs to do something when the dog clearly doesn't want to and I noticed he does that alot. What makes me uncomfortable he say weird things like she's my b**** she should listen to daddy. He meant that as a joke but kinda creeps me out and i didn't want to mention it earlier but he sometime make weird sexually joke about her and ofc i would feel uncomfortable. and no the dogs doesn't interupt my time with him because i like his dog but my bf he started to become weird with the dog and whenever i talk he doesn't really listen as he is super focus on the dog but i never stop him i would just be quiet and do my things. 

[introverted1]

I think the dog is less of an issue than the fact that you have a "boyfriend" you've never met and have no apparent immediate plans to meet.

Is there a reason you can't date someone in person where you live?

[nataliesen]

3 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

I think the dog is less of an issue than the fact that you have a "boyfriend" you've never met and have no apparent immediate plans to meet.

Is there a reason you can't date someone in person where you live?

no there's no reason i can date someone where i live but if two persons love each other i don't think where we live matter. but i think i mention why i feel uncomfortable and i gave example too

[Taramere]

I'm guessing that you "met" online...particularly since you met last year,  live in different countries and the world has pretty much been in lockdown over the past year.  So is it correct to assume that you've never actually met in person and that this relationship has been conducted solely through technology?

What you have, newcomer, are instincts that are telling you something isn't right about this guy.  He's got you filming yourself as you sleep, from what you've said he also gets you to film yourself sexually...because let's be clear here.  You can't really be physically intimate with somebody over the internet.  When people talk about physical intimacy what they actually mean is that they're providing masturbation material to the person they're communicating with online.  Which is a dodgy thing to get into, especially if you don't really know the other person all that well.  For all you know, he could be recording you and uploading you for other guys to look at. 

I know that on some level you feel like this guy is your best friend who you can tell anything to, but your instincts are telling you that actually there's a creepy side to him.  And I suspect those instincts of yours are forming that conclusion based on various things - and not only his behaviour towards/comments about his dog

 

[nataliesen]

38 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Count how many times you mentioned his dog. Also turn off the cam. It's creepy.

Talk to your parents about this. There's something not right about a weirdo this far away having a cam recording you all night in your bedroom.

Turn that off. Tell your parents.

euh? my parents knows him and his paretns knows me already so what's the point here? and i think u focused more on my words than trying to understand what i really mean and i gave example of some situation too but i guess it's useless since ur focusing on the way i write only.

also im 23 so asking me to turn my cam off is like ur talking to ur kid 

Edited June 2, 2021 by newcomer12

[introverted1]

Just now, newcomer12 said:

no there's no reason i can date someone where i live but if two persons love each other i don't think where we live matter. but i think i mention why i feel uncomfortable and i gave example too

I understand the concept of love, however, I don't believe it is possible to fall in love with someone you have never met.  No matter how real an online relationship feels, the fact remains that you each only know of the other what they choose to project. Nothing can compensate for in-person interaction. 

As I said above, I think the issue of the dog is far less significant than the issue that you have already put your dating life on hold for a year and are planning to continue to do so for the indefinite future.  Rather than focus on the dog, you and your "boyfriend" should be thinking about when/how to meet and what you will do (concrete action plan) IF your feelings in person mirror those you currently have online.  Otherwise, this "relationship" is just an exercise in futility.

[nataliesen]

33 minutes ago, Taramere said:

Yeah...a lot depends on the OP's age. The cam-as-you-sleep thing seems pretty strange to me, but I guess if they're both consenting adults then it's up to them.  @newcomer12, you mention future study plans.  Does this mean you're still at school?  How old are you?

Yes i am 23 y.o and he is 23 too and yes we both give our consent  and no i finised school

 

Edited June 2, 2021 by newcomer12

[nataliesen]

3 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

I understand the concept of love, however, I don't believe it is possible to fall in love with someone you have never met.  No matter how real an online relationship feels, the fact remains that you each only know of the other what they choose to project. Nothing can compensate for in-person interaction. 

As I said above, I think the issue of the dog is far less significant than the issue that you have already put your dating life on hold for a year and are planning to continue to do so for the indefinite future.  Rather than focus on the dog, you and your "boyfriend" should be thinking about when/how to meet and what you will do (concrete action plan) IF your feelings in person mirror those you currently have online.  Otherwise, this "relationship" is just an exercise in futility.

as i mentionned in a comment we were supposed to meet this year and i respect your opinion on that u don't believe that people fall in love like and im not putting a hold on my life for a year i mean he is not holding me or something. i choosed to be single before i met him i didn't want anyone but after months talking to him we started to love each other 

[Taramere]

2 minutes ago, newcomer12 said:

Yes i am 23 y.o and he is 23 too and yes we both give our consent  and no i finised school

 

Ok, that's a relief to hear!  

Nonetheless, you're getting a vibe of him being creepy...and that vibe is coming from how you see him behaving towards a living animal that he actually has physical contact with.  You and he don't have that physical contact.  You're separated by a lot of distance and communicating through technology.  People can edit themselves a lot when they're not having to deal with others on a face to face basis. 

 

[nataliesen]

1 minute ago, Taramere said:

Ok, that's a relief to hear!  

Nonetheless, you're getting a vibe of him being creepy...and that vibe is coming from how you see him behaving towards a living animal that he actually has physical contact with.  You and he don't have that physical contact.  You're separated by a lot of distance and communicating through technology.  People can edit themselves a lot when they're not having to deal with others on a face to face basis. 

 

Yes, that's right he gives me creepy vibe.... well i guess i will think about it. but thank you for your help. i think ur the only one here that actually tries to understand me and was kind to help me thank you. even tho i might never talk about this with my boyfriend i'm glad at least i could do it here and receive ur advice.

[introverted1]

1 minute ago, newcomer12 said:

as i mentionned in a comment we were supposed to meet this year

Since you haven't even met, my take is that how he interacts with his dog is not really your problem. This is another reason why it's important to actually date prospective partners: it's through dating that we discover compatibility...  or not.  He's not abusing the dog; you just don't like how he interacts with the dog. So it's a point of compatibility:  is this a deal-breaker for you?  If there ever came a time when you two were going to live together, that's when you'd discuss issues like whether the dog should be allowed to sleep on the bed.  For now, he and the dog are not even on the same continent as you (if I understand your OP correctly), so he's free to "parent" his dog however he likes.

[Taramere]

2 minutes ago, newcomer12 said:

Yes, that's right he gives me creepy vibe.... well i guess i will think about it. but thank you for your help. i think ur the only one here that actually tries to understand me and was kind to help me thank you. even tho i might never talk about this with my boyfriend i'm glad at least i could do it here and receive ur advice.

You're welcome.  Good luck, and stay safe.