My boyfriend sleeps with his dog every night

[nataliesen]

8 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Since you haven't even met, my take is that how he interacts with his dog is not really your problem. This is another reason why it's important to actually date prospective partners: it's through dating that we discover compatibility...  or not.  He's not abusing the dog; you just don't like how he interacts with the dog. So it's a point of compatibility:  is this a deal-breaker for you?  If there ever came a time when you two were going to live together, that's when you'd discuss issues like whether the dog should be allowed to sleep on the bed.  For now, he and the dog are not even on the same continent as you (if I understand your OP correctly), so he's free to "parent" his dog however he likes.

well i respect ur opinion and thank you for your help i will take ur opinion in consideration. but i think ur ignoring the examples i gave but it is okay. thank u for ur help

Edited June 2, 2021 by newcomer12

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, newcomer12 said:

my parents knows him and his paretns knows me

Who is he selling the cam videos to?

[introverted1]

1 minute ago, newcomer12 said:

well i respect ur opinion and thank you for your help i will take ur opinion in consideration. but i think ur ignoring the examples i gave but it is okay.

I am not ignoring your examples.  If it was me, this would not be a guy I'd want to date. I am not a fan of people who treat their pets as objects they can bend to their own will.  This guy sounds like he has an unhealthy obsession with his dog.

That said, it nonetheless comes down to compatibility: if how he interacts with his dog is a deal-breaker for you, then end whatever it is you are doing with him.  If it isn't, carry on.  Whether 1 or 100 people here agree with you about the dog, the bottom line is that you have to decide for yourself whether it is a behavior you can overlook. 

[nataliesen]

7 minutes ago, newcomer12 said:

well i respect ur opinion and thank you for your help i will take ur opinion in consideration. but i think ur ignoring the examples i gave but it is okay.

 

2 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

I am not ignoring your examples.  If it was me, this would not be a guy I'd want to date. I am not a fan of people who treat their pets as objects they can bend to their own will.  This guy sounds like he has an unhealthy obsession with his dog.

That said, it nonetheless comes down to compatibility: if how he interacts with his dog is a deal-breaker for you, then end whatever it is you are doing with him.  If it isn't, carry on.  Whether 1 or 100 people here agree with you about the dog, the bottom line is that you have to decide for yourself whether it is a behavior you can overlook. 

You're right thank you. Can I have ur advice one last thing? Should i express about it with him ? or let it go and being bother in silence. bcuz if i leave him he would probably wants to know the reason

[BaileyB]

I have always slept with my dog. I’m not sure what the problem is here. 

And, I live with a man who has a cat. His life revolves around the stupid cat, so obsessing about your animals is what pet owners do. 

Have you ever had a pet? 

Edited June 2, 2021 by BaileyB

[nataliesen]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I have always slept with my dog. I’m not sure what the problem is here. 

And, I live with a man who has a cat. His life revolves around the stupid cat, so obsessing about your animals is what pet owners do. 

Have you ever had a pet? 

yes two dogs and 1 cat. Me and my family were more like we love our pet but also don't force them to do things like for example if they want to play outside we won't force them to stay with us and watch tv. We like to let them live freely and we give them love when they comes to us or when we feel they want us to give them attention

[introverted1]

3 minutes ago, newcomer12 said:

You're right thank you. Can I have ur advice one last thing? Should i express about it with him ? or let it go and being bother in silence. bcuz if i leave him he would probably wants to know the reason

To be fair, he sounds smitten with his dog and perhaps over the top in his affection for her.  It's a little too over the top for my taste (and I say that as someone whose dog sleeps with me every night), but I don't think he's pathological.  More likely, he's lonely after a year plus of isolation and has transferred some attention/affection to the dog.  This may naturally lessen once things open up and he can go out and see friends, etc.

My guess is that if you express it to him, he will rebut your concerns by telling you that the dog is happy with the current situation (and maybe it is).  I don't think it's likely that he will change how he interacts with the dog, although it's possible he will try to hide it from you.

Is this the hill you want to die on?

[BaileyB]

It does sound a little over the top to me too, but considering that you haven’t met the man and you are not physically present in his daily life - I don’t think you have any say here. It’s his life and his pet. If you don’t like it, you shouldn’t date him. 

Edited June 2, 2021 by BaileyB

[nataliesen]

8 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

To be fair, he sounds smitten with his dog and perhaps over the top in his affection for her.  It's a little too over the top for my taste (and I say that as someone whose dog sleeps with me every night), but I don't think he's pathological.  More likely, he's lonely after a year plus of isolation and has transferred some attention/affection to the dog.  This may naturally lessen once things open up and he can go out and see friends, etc.

My guess is that if you express it to him, he will rebut your concerns by telling you that the dog is happy with the current situation (and maybe it is).  I don't think it's likely that he will change how he interacts with the dog, although it's possible he will try to hide it from you.

Is this the hill you want to die on?

I think too he will say the same thing, I will try to talk about it one day with him and see what he's going to say and maybe if he explains to me why i he behave like that then I might understand him then everything might be fine 

[nataliesen]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It does sound a little over the top to me too, but considering that you haven’t met the man and you are not physically present in his daily life - I don’t think you have any say here. It’s his life and his pet. If you don’t like it, you shouldn’t date him. 

it's a new dog and yes maybe i don't have a say here but what i am trying to say is that i don't know if u read my post and i gave examples why i feel weird and it creeps me out sometimes what he says and do its about the way he do things with his dog. my ex were obsess with his dog and it never bothered me because the way he does things were normal but my bf show his affection in a weird way and ofc it will bother me when for example when i am talking then he cut me off just because he got super focus on his dog for  moment when i was talking about something with him. if he was at least listening okay i won't mind that his not focus on me but at least listening to me but he wasn't so it is one example why it bothers me

[ShyViolet]

You're not even there in person, so you're in no position to say what kind of relationship he should have with his dog.  The bigger issue is that this is a man in another country who you have never met in person.  WHYYY do people keep doing this?  Why did you enter into this situation where you're making plans to move in with someone who is very far away and who you have never met in person?  That is not how dating is supposed to be.  You really don't know this person, and there are so many reasons why this is not likely to work out if you just randomly move in together after never having spent time together in person.  This makes no sense.

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

You're not even there in person, so you're in no position to say what kind of relationship he should have with his dog.

This is what I’m saying. 

I get that you think it’s creepy and I’ve agreed with you that it’s over the top. My boyfriend is over the top with his cat too - I still have no right to tell him to change the way he interacts with his cat! You especially have no right to say anything - you are not even there! 

What we are talking about is boundaries. He apparently has none with his dog. You need to respect a boundary in this relationship. 

Edited June 2, 2021 by BaileyB

[nataliesen]

Just now, ShyViolet said:

You're not even there in person, so you're in no position to say what kind of relationship he should have with his dog.  The bigger issue is that this is a man in another country who you have never met in person.  WHYYY do people keep doing this?  Why did you enter into this situation where you're making plans to move in with someone who is very far away and who you have never met in person?  That is not how dating is supposed to be.  You really don't know this person, and there are so many reasons why this is not likely to work out if you just randomly move in together after never having spent time together in person.  This makes no sense.

As I mentionned in a comment we were supposed to meet this year. and before u judge too quickly without knowing me i wasn't willing to have a distance relationship but instead i try to open my heart and see if there's a chance i can feel the same way as him and i gave it a chance. I am not the only one that is palning our future he is too and more than me

[nataliesen]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

This is what I’m saying. 

I get that you think it’s creepy and I’ve agreed with you that it’s over the top. My boyfriend is over the top with his cat too - I still have no right to tell him to change the way he interacts with his cat! You especially have no right to say anything - you are not even there! 

What we are talking about is boundaries. He apparently has none with his dog. You need to respect a boundary in this relationship. 

i respect ur opinion. Yes I am not there with him and he is not with me but i think it is only me who will see the thing that bothers me because not everyone will see our perspective and that is alright but thank you for ur help  

[Taramere]

41 minutes ago, newcomer12 said:

it's a new dog and yes maybe i don't have a say here but what i am trying to say is that i don't know if u read my post and i gave examples why i feel weird and it creeps me out sometimes what he says and do its about the way he do things with his dog. my ex were obsess with his dog and it never bothered me because the way he does things were normal but my bf show his affection in a weird way and ofc it will bother me when for example when i am talking then he cut me off just because he got super focus on his dog for  moment when i was talking about something with him. if he was at least listening okay i won't mind that his not focus on me but at least listening to me but he wasn't so it is one example why it bothers me

Lots of us have pets,  lots of us let those pets sleep on our beds and we all have our favoured ideas of how best to raise and train them. God knows, the internet is filled with evidence of how heated it can get at times when people argue about the best pet-caring methods, feeding and training routines and so on. The issue of pet ownership can be a touchy one, but I think you've made it clear that this thread isn't primarily about you trying to impose your notions of "best pet care practice" onto your boyfriend. 

The primary issue, from what I can see, is that something about his interactions with his pet has left you feeling uncomfortable.  From the way you've described the relationship, this guy seemed to fall in love with/love bombed you  very early on, and you've said that in the beginning you didn't feel the same way.  However, as time went by you felt that you loved him - despite not having met him.  However, witnessing his behaviour as a pet owner you're having doubts about him...and, more to the point, you're getting a creepy vibe. 

I think it's very valid to observe how people behave with their pets when you're assessing them in a situation where you really do need to assess them.  That is, when you're deciding whether this is somebody you would want to build a life with.  While I agree with everybody else re the distance relationship being an unwise choice, the reality is that some people do start their relationships in that way (particularly nowadays, with so much emphasis on online interaction).  You've had the additional disadvantage of not being able to meet this guy early on, due to the pandemic.  You've been criticised on this thread for placing so much emphasis on the dog, and for being critical about his interactions with the dog...but under the circumstances, I think you're correct to place close attention to those interactions.  You have no physical contact with him, so you've no way of knowing what it would be like to be with this guy in person. 

You could spend a year thinking you're in love with somebody you only know through online interactions, only to spend 5 minutes in his company and find yourself desperate to get away from him.  Instincts work to a certain degree when we're communicating with people online, but never to the degree that they work in person.    Not only are you entitled to form judgements about him based on how he interacts with the , but under the circumstances it's inevitable that you will...because that dog is, unlike you, physically in his company.  The way he interacts with it physically is the closest you get to seeing how he might interact with you physically.  I think that's probably why you're so preoccupied with the dog...and I think that the creepy feeling you get about the way he interacts with it would very likely be mirrored by your feelings if you and he were to spend time together in person as opposed to over the internet.

Is that something you can and should discuss with him?  I wouldn't.  I'd be going with my instincts and using the not insignificant distance issue as a reason to end things.

 

[MsJayne]

This would spell 'The End' for me. To interrupt conversation to fuss over his dog is just downright rude, and the repeated "why is the dog so cute?" schtick would confirm that I was dealing with a clown.  If you must continue the relationship, at least do the following....next time he interrupts you, or is paying more attention to the dog than you, please just say , "OK, I'll leave you and your dog in peace. Call me when you have a dog-free moment. Or, if you don't have a dog-free moment, just don't call me."  Dogs are wonderful, it's their people that make them annoying.