A Sincere Apology After Almost 8 Years?

[vla1120]

My first husband, with whom I have not really had contact because his girlfriend of 8 years would not allow it, has recently been communicating with me. Our daughters are all grown, but one of them had been going through a difficult situation, which is why we started the communication. Luckily, with her mother and father showing a unified front, things have improved. That's as far as I will go into that situation.

Yesterday, he emailed me to tell me he and the girlfriend had broken up. I suspect they will get back together, because they break up pretty often.  He said it is different this time. She's apparently already dating a number of men and intends to start bringing them to their shared house to "flaunt them" in front of him. Apparently, she used him in this manner back in the beginning, too. When her husband was going to be at the house, she would have my husband show up at her house, and she would hang all over him to make her husband jealous.

Way back when we were getting separated (in August of 2013), he had asked me to stay in the house with him until December because he could not afford it on his own. I agreed. But then, he did not come home one night because he spent the night at her house. I was waiting for him at the door when he came home the next morning. I told him "I'll be d@mned if I am going to finance your living arrangements while you are out sleeping with other women." I went that day and got an apartment. Around the same timeframe, he also brought her to our daughter's singing gig. My daughter had a horrible night and couldn't concentrate on her performance because she was watching this other woman hang all over her dad while her mom was just across the room. It bothered me, as well, though I tried not to show it.

So last night, he called me and apologized to me. He said he was a real @$$ for treating me the way he did (sleeping at her house while asking me to stay in our house until December for financial reasons, bringing her to my daughter's singing gig, etc.) He said he now knows how I felt and he is sorry he was ever a part of her doing that to her ex-husband and to me. 

He wants to expand our friendship to what it was before we divorced. He hurt me in many ways in our 32-year marriage (including infidelity), but we always got along pretty well and were each others' best friend, for the most part. We pretty much grew up together (and he stated that on the phone last night) and he wants to rebuild that friendship. 

I'd say I am cautiously optimistic, but I really believe he is going to get back together with her because it is the easiest thing to do. She's financially dependent upon him and has nowhere to go, if she's not living with him, so I don't see that situation changing any time soon. If he gets back together with her, I know all bets are off. She won't allow him to be friends with me. That will be a condition. 

It's on him, if he allows her to control him like that. I guess time will tell. I think I just wanted to write this out. I'm not even sure "Second Chances" is the right place to post this. It's not like this is any type of "second chance." I just accepted his apology and thanked him for recognizing how hurtful it was. I'm just not sure why I have this pain in the pit of my stomach.

[Taramere]

1 hour ago, vla1120 said:

I'd say I am cautiously optimistic, but I really believe he is going to get back together with her because it is the easiest thing to do. She's financially dependent upon him and has nowhere to go, if she's not living with him, so I don't see that situation changing any time soon. If he gets back together with her, I know all bets are off. She won't allow him to be friends with me. That will be a condition. 

It's on him, if he allows her to control him like that. I guess time will tell. I think I just wanted to write this out. I'm not even sure "Second Chances" is the right place to post this. It's not like this is any type of "second chance." I just accepted his apology and thanked him for recognizing how hurtful it was. I'm just not sure why I have this pain in the pit of my stomach.

This on/off girlfriend of his sounds like a toxic character who thrives on drama and causing upset to others (her behaviour at your daughter's singing contest, her use of your husband to cause her previous husband distress).  I'm not surprised you're getting an unpleasant feeling in your stomach.  It just doesn't seem good enough that he realises how awful that sort of behaviour is now...since he found himself on the receiving end of it.  Why has he been with somebody like this for 8 years?  Why is he likely to get back with her?  The likely answers to those questions probably don't reflect very well on him.  I wouldn't be slapping back his request for friendship exactly, but I'd be very cautious...and I'd be making it clear that it would take time to build a friendship, and if he allowed this woman back into his life (with the inevitable unpleasantness and drama that would bring), any friendship we'd managed to rekindle by that point would be very swiftly brought to a permanent end.

[mark clemson]

Sounds like he's co-dependent at this point in his life.

There's nothing wrong with being a "friend", particularly at a superficial level. But I'd suggest looking out for and not allowing him to "have you around for a soft landing" which he may attempt to do. And not putting too much stock into this "friendship" or letting it interfere with forming any new relationships. Not much point in become each others' orbiters, particularly if the clearly problematic GF can nix it at any time.

There may be some lingering attachment here, which is why you're even considering this, but IMO TONS of baggage. Suggest you keep a clear focus on what you want this to be AND to not be and proceed with that in mind.

Edited June 2, 2021 by mark clemson

[vla1120]

You both hit the nail on the head! I needed to see it in writing from another perspective, I think. Yes, there are TONS of baggage. He's not a man who normally admits fault, let alone apologizes, but maybe you're right, he's thinking I would be a soft landing if he does end up splitting from her. I don't want to be used and I don't want to be taken for granted. I will admit, there are times I have missed our previous family and life. But I am a completely different person than I was eight years ago. I suspect he is, as well. (He certainly never allowed me to have any semblance of control over him in our 32 years together, the way he allows her to control him!!)  I don't even know if we're compatible enough to remain friends, at this point.

She is toxic. He has allowed her to damage his relationship with our daughters - which is another reason, I believe, that he has been reaching out to me. He knows I am very close to all of them. He wants to regain his closeness with them and is trying to do that through me. I was content to go years without having contact with him. It bothered me that it was because she had demanded it, but again, that's his fault. I had moved on with my life. I will tread very carefully.

I just need this pain in the pit of my stomach to go away. This whole situation is just dredging up bad memories. I want peace in my life.

Those last three sentences pretty much give me my answer on how to handle this.

[vla1120]

Well, it's all water under the bridge, now. As expected, they got back together. He blamed me for their relationship problems because she is convinced he will eventually go back to me (as if it is assumed I would have him back.) So, to save his relationship with her, he can no longer have any contact with me. At first I was upset - especially since he blamed me for their problems, but that's on him. The only time I have had contact with him over the past eight years is when HE contacted ME. 

He already emailed me this morning, apologized for any "misunderstanding" and said he hopes I will respond to the email to stay in contact. No. Just NO.

Next time he reaches out, I will not respond, and I hope he doesn't use my daughters to try to contact me, like he has done in the past. He needs to just leave me alone, now.

[Taramere]

Well, upsetting as it might be...in the longer run it sounds like very good news in terms of you and your daughters dodging the bullet that hit you 8 years previously.  How arrogant of both of them to assume you would have him back just because you were polite enough to respond when he reached out.