Long Distance Girlfriend Wants to Wait Until Marriage but I Don't. What Should I do?

[GuitarGuy7]

I've been dating this girl for about a month now and we both live in different countries on the other side of the world so we won't be seeing each other for long periods of time. We are both 26 years old. 

We are both virgins although for completely different reasons. I am a virgin not because I am against sex but because of lack of opportunity. Growing up, I was a short scrawny nerd with aspergers who couldn't get girls even if my life depended on it and as a result, I've never been intimate with anybody. This is a big reason why I took to international dating in the first place to increase my chances of finding a romantic partner.  My partner on the other hand is a virgin because she comes from a conservative and very religious background and doesn't believe in sex before marriage. Although I do go to church and believe that there could potentially be a God, I don't share the same conservative views on sex that she does.  

She is the first girlfriend iv'e ever had and we definitely have a lot of natural chemistry. We can video chat for hours at a time, and we get each other's jokes and like to play games together. I like how kind, intelligent, and thoughtful she is and she seems like she would make a great partner despite us knowing each other for only a month. But to be honest, a part of me wants to explore sex and intimacy because despite my romantic experience, I am not in any sort of way asexual. I'm not sure if I could marry someone without being intimate with them; even if that means exchanging nudes, doing other sexual acts without intercourse, humping etc...  It seems to me that my girlfriend is against these things and I'm not sure how high my girlfriends sex drive in general is. At one point, I asked if she ever feels sexual attraction towards other people and she said "I don't know" and then during another conversation, when I described what being asexual was, she said that this definition described her. I'm not sure if she's truly asexual or she's simply ashamed of her sexuality since she grew up in a sexually conservative culture and she's not as open about sex as I am. 

In a nutshell, she's a great girl who I really like but the only thing that's incompatible is our sexuality and views on sex. 

I'm not sure what I should do in this situation. It took me years and years and years just to find a girlfriend so if I break up with her, I'm scared it will take me a very long time to date someone else. I'm not a "normie"; I don't have tons of options and can't just find someone new to date or to have sex within a couple months like many attractive people can. For gods sake, I would be lucky to find someone else within a year or two.  And if I do eventually find a girl who's more compatible with my views on sex, what if she's a really toxic person with a crappy personality?  What if I regret breaking up with my girlfriend and never find anybody else like her? 

But on the other hand, what if I decide to stick it out with my girlfriend and even eventually get married to her only to be stuck in a crappy marriage where I don't get my sexual needs met?  Because of our long distance relationship and the country she lives in, the only way she can visit me is if we're engaged or married, so marriage is something that would happen within a couple years assuming we're still together.  And marriage isn't something I want to take lightly; I want to make sure that I get it right. 


I just don't know what to do in this situation.   

[mark clemson]

58 minutes ago, GuitarGuy7 said:

 we both live in different countries on the other side of the world

Uh huh. My friend, this has Green Card grab/citizenship via marriage written all over it.

Sorry, but - if you haven't been having much luck with the ladies prior to her, it's IMO unlikely you'll be having much sex with her after marriage either. Maybe some, but not lots.

To be blunt, I think you are being used here. Maybe the "using" is mutual to some extent, but still.

Apologies as I know that may hurt to read, but I think it's important for you to understand what's really going on with this.

[jspice]

They’re using each other. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, GuitarGuy7 said:

It took me years and years and years just to find a girlfriend

But how realistic is this prospect, GuitarGuy7?

She lives very, very far away. She comes from a conservative and religious background. You found her on an international dating site, so you need to be aware that many women on there are looking for a ticket to a better life rather than a great romance. 

I don't know which country she is in, but did you actually check to see that nationals of her country cannot be granted tourist visas to yours? Or are you just taking her word that you must be engaged or married for her to be granted permission to enter your country? 

 

[ShyViolet]

I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but you are not "dating" her.  You are talking with a stranger on the internet who you have never met.  You and her are not compatible.  This long-distance online fantasy is going nowhere.

Stop this "international dating" nonsense.  This is not real dating... you are kidding yourself if you actually think that any of these strangers are your girlfriends.  I know you say that it seems like you'll never find another prospect in your actual geographical area, but that's not a reason to waste your time with this.

[BaileyB]

Now exactly do you plan to have sex with a woman who lives on the other side of the world? 

I’m sorry to say this, but I think you are way ahead of yourself here... You are worrying about having a sexual relationship and marrying a woman that you have never met in person, This isn’t how normal relationships develop. The chances that this will become a serious relationship for you are poor.

[Wiseman2]

On 6/2/2021 at 11:47 AM, GuitarGuy7 said:

.  My partner on the other hand is a virgin because she comes from a conservative and very religious background and doesn't believe in sex before marriage. 

Ok, talking to someone for a month is fun, but you have never met so, she is not your partner.

Enjoy the conversation and the friendship but realize that a cyber-penpal is not the same as dating.

[GuitarGuy7]

On 6/6/2021 at 1:45 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, talking to someone for a month is fun, but you have never met so, she is not your partner.

Enjoy the conversation and the friendship but realize that a cyber-penpal is not the same as dating.

What are you an old man or something? 

Plenty of people meeting their partner from online. 

Times arne't what they used to be, old man. 

[jspice]

1 minute ago, GuitarGuy7 said:

What are you an old man or something? 

Plenty of people meeting their partner from online. 

Times arne't what they used to be, old man. 

The “old man” isn’t the one who can’t find a girlfriend.

The “old man” didn’t have to go to a third world little island to find a captive woman 
 

[ShyViolet]

12 minutes ago, GuitarGuy7 said:

What are you an old man or something? 

Plenty of people meeting their partner from online. 
 

Yeah, they meet their partner from online, a person who is within a reasonable geographic distance, and then meet in person and have a NORMAL RELATIONSHIP from there.  Not this long-distance, halfway around the world online penpal thing that you have.  You are kidding yourself if you think that is a relationship.

[TeddyBundy1993]

Dude you are looking too much into this relationship.  Slow it down.  It's only a month. People fail to reach marriage even after decades together.  You sound really immature but it's understood since you have no dating experience.  I understand your situation I have been a nerd all my life and I still am but it doesn't mean you'l invest way too much into this religion. International dating barely works, I mean it does but not for long. If sex is bothering you so much why not hire an professional escort service.  It's no shame and I have done it too, I lost my virginity to a escort ! 

Yes you don't have many dating option but getting stucked in  a relationship just bcz you lack dating option isn't wise and may lead to consequences.  Things might stall as soon as you meet her even though if you actually do. 

[d0nnivain]

Times may be changing but some things are universal.  Until you meet, this is just a pen pal thing.  You may want more as in a relationship but it's unwise to make that decision before meeting.  You have to actually meet, not just video chat. 

Your concerns about getting yourself into a sexless marriage are valid but you are way ahead of yourself here.  Slow down.  Keep talking to this woman.  Practice your communication but do not commit or be exclusive until you can meet.  Banish all thoughts of marriage in the short term.  When you meet for the 1st time you can't reasonably expect her to fall into bed with you.  You two will still technically be strangers.  

Keep the lines of communication open with her but date around & don't be exclusive until you meet.   Only then can you worry about each other's beliefs on premarital sex.  

[dramafreezone]

Under normal circumstances I would say find someone with greater geographical desirability, but it doesn't sound as if you're prepared to do that.

Why don't you go visit her and see if the sparks fly?

Quote

I could see how this would be a problem if you were getting laid on the regular but you aren't so what exactly would you be giving up by waiting for the girl to be ready? 

Agreed.

OP I think I saw you on here last month lamenting the state of the dating world.  Now you found someone.  Maybe you should see if you can make it work.  Go see her.  I will say that the "asexual" talk from her isn't particularly encouraging.

Edited June 14, 2021 by dramafreezone

[GuitarGuy7]

7 hours ago, TeddyBundy1993 said:

Dude you are looking too much into this relationship.  Slow it down.  It's only a month. People fail to reach marriage even after decades together.  You sound really immature but it's understood since you have no dating experience.  I understand your situation I have been a nerd all my life and I still am but it doesn't mean you'l invest way too much into this religion. International dating barely works, I mean it does but not for long. If sex is bothering you so much why not hire an professional escort service.  It's no shame and I have done it too, I lost my virginity to a escort ! 

Yes you don't have many dating option but getting stucked in  a relationship just bcz you lack dating option isn't wise and may lead to consequences.  Things might stall as soon as you meet her even though if you actually do. 

I'm a 26 year old virgin with aspergers; of course i'm immature. I have zero romantic experience with the opposite sex and I clearly have no idea what the hell I'm doing.  I think it's pretty obvious that my social skills are ass. 


The reason why I haven't gone to an escort is because prostitution is my country (The USA) is illegal.   The nearest place where it's legal is in Nevada which is 20+ hours away from where I live.   If it were within a drive able distance, I would have went to a hooker already.  Who knows?  Maybe I just need to get laid so I can stop being so god damn desperate. 

[GuitarGuy7]

7 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Times may be changing but some things are universal.  Until you meet, this is just a pen pal thing.  You may want more as in a relationship but it's unwise to make that decision before meeting.  You have to actually meet, not just video chat. 

Your concerns about getting yourself into a sexless marriage are valid but you are way ahead of yourself here.  Slow down.  Keep talking to this woman.  Practice your communication but do not commit or be exclusive until you can meet.  Banish all thoughts of marriage in the short term.  When you meet for the 1st time you can't reasonably expect her to fall into bed with you.  You two will still technically be strangers.  

Keep the lines of communication open with her but date around & don't be exclusive until you meet.   Only then can you worry about each other's beliefs on premarital sex.  

Here's the thing. We agreed to be exclusive after 16 days of texting each other every day.  Looking back, it was a stupid decision to make, but can you blame me?  I was an inexperienced 26 year old virgin who desperately wanted a girlfriend, and desperation tends to make you do dumb stuff.  That's what happens when you go 26 years without dating, you tend to get desperate. 

Looking back, it was a mistake to become exclusive so fast. I should have dated around and found a girl I was more compatible with sexually since sex is something I desperately want to experience. Being a 26 year old virgin tends to make you horny and desperate. 


 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, GuitarGuy7 said:

 I should have dated around and found a girl I was more compatible with sexually since sex is something I desperately want to experience

Yes, this exactly. 

Your idea of turning to a woman on the other side of the planet whom you may never meet is not conducive to your goals. It makes everything worse because you are putting yourself on hold for no reason. The chances of this working out are practially zero, GuitarGuy. 

You have to be realistic here. 

[GuitarGuy7]

9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, this exactly. 

Your idea of turning to a woman on the other side of the planet whom you may never meet is not conducive to your goals. It makes everything worse because you are putting yourself on hold for no reason. The chances of this working out are practially zero, GuitarGuy. 

You have to be realistic here. 

I'm glad I did it though. I'm glad that I at least got to experience what it's like to have a woman be interested in me and actually date her, even if the relationship wasn't fulfilling and didn't last very long.  Trust me, I needed that validation and experience. Maybe I can find a girl closer to where I live and finally fulfill my dream of being sexually intimate with a woman. That's really what I want.  I'm not ready to get married and have kids because I'm not at that stage in life yet. 


What did I learn from this short long distance relationship?  I learned that long distance relationships are friggin hard!  I learned that physical and sexual intimacy is very important to me in a relationship and that my primary love language is physical touch and spending time with my partner.  I learned that I DONT want to date a woman who's waiting until marriage. 


I wish her the best of luck in finding someone who is willing to respect her wishes to wait until marriage to be intimate because this is something that I simply cannot do.  For the right guy, she would make a wonderful girlfriend and wife. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, GuitarGuy7 said:

What did I learn from this short long distance relationship?  I learned that long distance relationships are friggin hard!  I learned that physical and sexual intimacy is very important to me in a relationship and that my primary love language is physical touch and spending time with my partner. 

This was all an important lesson for you about your own needs and desires, yes. 

 

3 minutes ago, GuitarGuy7 said:

I'm glad that I at least got to experience what it's like to have a woman be interested in me and actually date her,

The thing is that you didn't actually date her. You have never met and taken her on a date. I say that to caution you from confusing talking with dating. That lack of distinction between the two could lead you to get hurt at some point down the road, if you believe you're dating someone when you are not. Dating someone would entail going on dates in real-life and spending time in each other's company, offline. 

It's good that you have extricated yourself from this, as it wasn't likely to go anywhere. Focus now on meeting women around you, and forget the international dating sites. 

[GuitarGuy7]

16 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This was all an important lesson for you about your own needs and desires, yes. 

 

The thing is that you didn't actually date her. You have never met and taken her on a date. I say that to caution you from confusing talking with dating. That lack of distinction between the two could lead you to get hurt at some point down the road, if you believe you're dating someone when you are not. Dating someone would entail going on dates in real-life and spending time in each other's company, offline. 

It's good that you have extricated yourself from this, as it wasn't likely to go anywhere. Focus now on meeting women around you, and forget the international dating sites. 

No we were actually boyfriend and girlfriend. I had the "talk" with her and asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes. I also made it clear that this relationship meant being 100% exclusive with each other and not dating other people and she agreed.  She even changed her Facebook relationship status from single to in a relationship. (It just didn't say who she was dating)

It was essentially a long distance relationship where the two people were nevermets.  


 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, GuitarGuy7 said:

It was essentially a long distance relationship where the two people were nevermets.  

Excellent. Yes stay away from the nevermets crowd.

[d0nnivain]

Everybody's first anything is fraught with mistakes.  You know the mistakes you made here which is great.  That learning curve is the small silver lining. 

It's OK to keep talking to women over the internet but moving forward, never discuss exclusivity until after you meet them IRL.  Keep that as lesson one.  

Take some of the conversational skills you learned & apply them to women who live closer to you. 

Now that the world is opening up again, perhaps consider flying to Nevada.  I don't think losing your virginity to a prostitute is going to provide you with the miraculous life change you seek but if it gives you an ego boost because you feel you have finally erased what you believe to be a stigma, go for it.  Just be safe.  Use condoms!  

[MsJayne]

All I have to say is.....women from a particular country in the Asia region are well-known for chasing Western citizenship, and will go to great lengths to achieve it, including marrying someone they can't stand. If you encounter one of them online my advice is to NEVER send them money, and tell them you don't have any. I have a good friend who married a woman from OS after a too-short relationship, she saw him coming a mile away, and he now lives with the mistake - he's 70 and has an 8 yo son but is divorced from his Filipino wife. The marriage lasted just long enough for her to gain citizenship. She left him because he didn't live up to her lofty expectations of an easy life in Australia. She then latched on to a man who was in a better financial position. They love vulnerable people like you GG, because vulnerable people are very easy to manipulate. Please proceed with great caution. 

[GuitarGuy7]

6 hours ago, MsJayne said:

All I have to say is.....women from a particular country in the Asia region are well-known for chasing Western citizenship, and will go to great lengths to achieve it, including marrying someone they can't stand. If you encounter one of them online my advice is to NEVER send them money, and tell them you don't have any. I have a good friend who married a woman from OS after a too-short relationship, she saw him coming a mile away, and he now lives with the mistake - he's 70 and has an 8 yo son but is divorced from his Filipino wife. The marriage lasted just long enough for her to gain citizenship. She left him because he didn't live up to her lofty expectations of an easy life in Australia. She then latched on to a man who was in a better financial position. They love vulnerable people like you GG, because vulnerable people are very easy to manipulate. Please proceed with great caution. 

I was aware of this which is why I kept telling her that I will never send her money and if that's all she wants, then she shouldn't waste her time with me.  Anyways, I'm going to break up with her since I'm not looking for marriage yet and waiting for sex until marriage isn't something that I really want to do.  For one thing, I have to know someone for 2+ years before I even consider marrying them and I don't think I can wait that long to be intimate with someone. 

[Noproblem]

I would say eww if someone want to have sex with me after chatting online for a month. Especially if I came from conservative religious place.

You are pushing it! Plus you are being very immature and mean  by implying to her she is asexual, trying to manipulate her to agree to have sex with you or she has a problem with her sexuality. That's really nasty! Just because she wanna wait, doesn't mean she is asexual. 

Plus she is only in it for the visa/citizenship. 

You are probably on the good side of the world, and she is not.

If she gives up her V card, she won't get the C card!

So it's crucial to save her virginity's, because you are not even guaranteed to give her anything she aspires to get.

 

Edited June 17, 2021 by Noproblem

[salparadise]

Craigslist my man. Just advertise that you need a housekeeper with benefits, be honest about the situation, and say that you'll be generous with a good person... I bet you'll get a bunch of takers. Once you get that virginity/desperation thing out of the way you'll be better able to navigate. If you don't have ethical issues with flashing a bit of cash, there's no need to be stuck in Siberia like this.