A letter to a ex for friendship. Should I send?

[CLG128]

This is a text I plan to send to my ex when the time is right. We had a mutual breakup, we both wanted different things. She knew she couldn't give me what I needed. I refused the offer of friendship she gave me because I couldn't just switch gears so quickly. I knew I needed time. I'll admit that I made my own mistakes here too, which I know helped push her back.  But seeing as we were very old friends before we dated, I started to regret severing it. This is what I plan on sending eventually. 

 

 

 

Hey, it's been a while and I've had a lot of time to really reflect on things. First and foremost, this is definitely not a attempt to get back together, that part is over, my purpose of contact is simply and purely to try and make amends with you.

I know how this looks, judging by everything I said, so understand this is very hard for me to do, but at that time I was purely driven by emotion and I definitely needed time to really collect myself and get over everything to see clearly. I'm definitely in that place I need to be in now. It's not that I refused your offer of friendship because I was angry or anything like that, it was simply because I know I needed some time to sort myself out before I could take that step with you again. Just like I was understanding of what you needed, understand what I needed too. I'm only human after all. It's hard sometimes, but I get by.

I made a ton of mistakes of my own with everything though. I thought negative things and I helped create problems that were not there. For all of that, I can own up and take full responsibility for it. It was too much, I let my emotions cloud my judgment and boundaries. For that, I am very sorry and I really hope my apology is accepted. It's coming straight from the heart, as sincere as I could be.

I hope you can see that I have nothing to gain here other than purely to make peace with you. I hold no grudge or resentment and I hope you aren't holding one against me either. Resentment is toxic, especially against someone I had great memories with in my life. I hope you understand and agree.

We were friends for a very long time and I hope we can always consider us to be friends too, even if when our dynamic has totally changed and we will never be as close as we once were. That I understand completely.

This took me a lot of courage to send as I don't know where the ground lies now. I remember you said that you wanted the best possible outcome, well here is my one attempt. I would only hope we catch patch things up the right way because our history runs so deep and it would be a shame to toss it away for good. I know how much you valued our friendship and so did I. I also remember you saying that you never wanted anything to go bad, so I'm here trying to give it my best shot. If I don't hear back from you, then I know it's unrepairable and I promise I won't attempt it again. At least I know I tried my very best.

Anyways, I hope you are well and this peace offering is welcome and not misinterpreted. Let's be friends again.

 

 

Thoughts? Should I send this? It's been a month of NC. I haven't asked for her back or pleaded with her or anything after we broke up because I knew what I needed. I just hope I can rekindle the friendship once again. Definitely nervous about sending this though.

[ExpatInItaly]

Hey OP, just replied on your other thread. 

My vote? Don't send this. Keep it to yourself as a journal entry of sorts, but don't send it to her. These types of letters are usually not well-received and don't yield the resutls the sender is looking for. 

[elaine567]

From your other thread it as not a mutual break up, she went distant then dumped you.
As the dumpee is is always difficult, as you have no control, the power is with the dumper...
Most dumpees can't be friends, as they usually end up wanting "more" and as that is not what the dumper wants, then it tends to just hurt.

[CLG128]

Understood. I guess it's more so throwing out a friendship that bothers me. When we got reacquainted it went almost immediately to romance. There was no time to pick up the core friendship.

 

I've thought about her viewing me as a orbiter if I send this too. I'm not trying to get back together with her though, we are on two completely different pages in life. She wants to have her freedom and not worry about the future ( which is exactly what she told me ) and I want to settle down and have a family life. It wouldn't work.

 

I guess I just feel the need to apologize for my own mistakes, one being confiding in her mom. I felt that was a bad move on my part.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, CLG128 said:

Should I send this? It's been a month of NC. I haven't asked for her back or pleaded with her or anything after we broke up because I knew what I needed. I just hope I can rekindle the friendship once again. Definitely nervous about sending this though.

Sorry this happened. Break-ups suck and hurt, but don't buzz around in the friendzone trying to stay on the radar.

It backfires and prevents your own progress and moving forward in peace.

No don't send it. Stop reading all the "get your ex back" material which typically advises this (useless) recipe of 30 days no contact followed by a (nauseating) letter about how great you are doing, working on yourself, etc.

Letters are creepy and intrusive. Almost like stalking. They invade someone's peace by trying to circumvent blocking.

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

34 minutes ago, CLG128 said:

I guess I just feel the need to apologize for my own mistakes, one being confiding in her mom

Didn't you already apologize about that?

[CLG128]

Thanks for all your advice. It really does mean a lot to me. You guys are great.

A friend of mine told me that if she doesn't reach out on her own, then to never reach out. Simply because since I left the ball in her court already. If she doesn't,  then it's really her loss.

 

I apologized for making her feel pressured, which she told me I didn't need to apologize for because what I was really asking for wasn't something she could give right now. As for the situation with her mom, she found out about that in the end. I think she suspected it already though, because she knew I would take her mom to the store ( I did that because my ex lived a hour away, and since her mom was old. I really did that as a favor to her .) She didn't mind that because we knew each other. 

 

But the real question is if I wait too long, wouldn't it be unrepairable? If I decided to do this down the road, how would I even go about it? 

[robaday]

I'll chime in. As someone who has a tendency to send placating messages and apologise for things I didn't really do wrong, it is a bad habit of mine, that doesn't earn the other person's respect or help in a future healthy friendship/or relationship. I have overcomensated with people who have broken up with me and the other way around too. Because say she was interested in your letter and was open to a future relationship/friendship with you, that means you have to firmly believe you did something wrong. And that gets her off the hook. And eventually you will resent yourself for over compensating, and then in turn will resent her because deep down you haven't got over the hurt she may have caused you or the things that she did wrong. 

I am trying to learn to get rid of my nice guy tendencies. I hate falling out with people. But truth is these behaviors of mine push them to not respect me as much. Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy? 

I think what you have written is a lovely sentiment. But from what I can see you didn't do a lot wrong. Let her reach out if she wants to. 

 

[CLG128]

20 minutes ago, robaday said:

I'll chime in. As someone who has a tendency to send placating messages and apologise for things I didn't really do wrong, it is a bad habit of mine, that doesn't earn the other person's respect or help in a future healthy friendship/or relationship. I have overcomensated with people who have broken up with me and the other way around too. Because say she was interested in your letter and was open to a future relationship/friendship with you, that means you have to firmly believe you did something wrong. And that gets her off the hook. And eventually you will resent yourself for over compensating, and then in turn will resent her because deep down you haven't got over the hurt she may have caused you or the things that she did wrong. 

I am trying to learn to get rid of my nice guy tendencies. I hate falling out with people. But truth is these behaviors of mine push them to not respect me as much. Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy? 

I think what you have written is a lovely sentiment. But from what I can see you didn't do a lot wrong. Let her reach out if she wants to. 

 

 

 

That makes a lot of sense. I would devalue myself. One thing I do definitely know about her, is that she always turns her back on problems. Any type of problem. She told me it's "easier" for her to do that, this way she doesn't have to face it.

 

I know we all have ways of coping with issues, but if I would apologize then it would mean exactly what you said, she would be off the hook and learn nothing from her own mistakes.

[ExpatInItaly]

16 hours ago, CLG128 said:

But the real question is if I wait too long, wouldn't it be unrepairable?

Would what be unrepairable?

She's already ended the relationship. I think she's fine being friends at some point in the the future, and doesn't have hard feelings. It's you who will have a lot of difficulty with it, in terms of not finding it painful to balance your emotional attachment to her. It's not like she is angry with you so I think for her it doesn't matter if you take your time and space away from her now. I'm sure she gets it, and probably prefers it for now. 

The end already came. My impression is that you are the only one worrying about being friends in the future again. She seems fairly indifferent about it, so there's no sense in getting too wrapped up in how you might reconnect somewhere down the road. It's not important right now. The friendship won't be the same as it once was anyway. It never usually is after a break-up. Be friendly if you happen to see her, sure, but it's unlikely that you two will hang out one-to-one or have extended conversations or other such things. That will be particularly true when she happens to start dating someone else. 

Or are you worried she's going to move on to another guy before you have the had the chance to try to be friends? 

[Wiseman2]

21 hours ago, CLG128 said:

I apologized for making her feel pressured, 

if I wait too long, wouldn't it be unrepairable? 

Ironically this kind of stalking is the same pressure.

Leave her alone before she needs to get a restraining order against you.

 

[CLG128]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ironically this kind of stalking is the same pressure.

Leave her alone before she needs to get a restraining order against you.

 

I don't stalk. I haven't once reached out to her since we split up. Definitely not that kind of person.

[CLG128]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Would what be unrepairable?

She's already ended the relationship. I think she's fine being friends at some point in the the future, and doesn't have hard feelings. It's you who will have a lot of difficulty with it, in terms of not finding it painful to balance your emotional attachment to her. It's not like she is angry with you so I think for her it doesn't matter if you take your time and space away from her now. I'm sure she gets it, and probably prefers it for now. 

The end already came. My impression is that you are the only one worrying about being friends in the future again. She seems fairly indifferent about it, so there's no sense in getting too wrapped up in how you might reconnect somewhere down the road. It's not important right now. The friendship won't be the same as it once was anyway. It never usually is after a break-up. Be friendly if you happen to see her, sure, but it's unlikely that you two will hang out one-to-one or have extended conversations or other such things. That will be particularly true when she happens to start dating someone else. 

Or are you worried she's going to move on to another guy before you have the had the chance to try to be friends? 

I figured she would meet someone else. That doesn't particularly bother me. But yes I think you are right. I need to closely examine my own feelings towards everything and sort them out. Time is really the only answer.

[CLG128]

I guess the only thing I feel bad about is ending a friendship. We have a pretty long history, even if we lost touch over the years. When we were teens she was the first friend that I told when my father passed away, she helped hold me up through that. Her brother was a very close friend of mine, we are still friends to this very day. Her mother and my father were also childhood friends. My ex even defended me when people had vendettas against me without my knowledge. She was a good friend first before all of this.

 

I guess that's the only reason why I feel the way I do. This relationship made things fall apart. Those are the things I think about now.

Edited June 4, 2021 by CLG128

[canadian87]

Being friends with your ex is never easy. I tried two times. Once as a dumpee.. She left me but I didn't want to loose her completly.. I asked to be friends but I was crying every time we meet and I go back home while she was meeting other guys. Once I was the dumper and I was ok with being friends after half year passed but she always asked me if I want to get back together and I had to tell again and again that I don't and it ended with her being hurt and stopped contacting me.

Maybe it's possible after both persons move on, 2-3 years after the break up.