An emotional affair

[NicoleSimone]

My husband of 10 years had an emotional affair for 3 months before I found out. He said he was sorry that we weren’t happy and he needed affection. Granted we were in a rough patch and not speaking. It was a hard time, I didn’t know what to say or how to fix it. We were both unhappy but while I was trying to figure out how to fix it he was starting a relationship with a co worker. He’s a restaurant manager and she’s the host. She’s 23 years old, the same age as our daughter! I was devastated. I couldn’t forgive him and he left. He said he was sorry, that he didn’t love her and he never wanted to hurt me. I found out two months ago that he’s been seeing her the entire time we’ve been separated (10 months).  I’m so hurt and angry and I feel like I never knew this man. He acts like I should be over it because it’s been almost a year since we separated. That we aren’t together so it shouldn’t matter who he’s seeing. I know he’s right but it still stings and I feel betrayed all over again.

[BaileyB]

That’s a hard one to get over. I would also be very angry, and very upset. 

[NicoleSimone]

18 minutes ago, S2B said:

He seems immature...and unwilling to live without validation from a woman for five minutes.

maybe be glad you can divorce him.

he never intended to work on the issues you had - so there was no way to fix the problems.

As much as it hurts to admit it, I believe you’re correct. He said he wanted things to change but was never willing to do the work. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, NicoleSimone said:

. He said he was sorry that we weren’t happy and he needed affection. Granted we were in a rough patch and not speaking. 

Sorry this happened.

Time to talk to an attorney and pull the trigger on getting the divorce paperwork done.

You're more than halfway there logistically and emotionally.

You dodged a bullet. Sounds like your "rough patch" was because he's been chasing skirts all along. 

Very typical to blame you when getting caught, then use the typical "it meant nothing"  lies.

Find a nice wolverine of a lawyer.

[dramafreezone]

12 hours ago, NicoleSimone said:

As much as it hurts to admit it, I believe you’re correct. He said he wanted things to change but was never willing to do the work. 

So I'm going to play devil's advocate and not just take your word for it; what were you doing to make this work?

What were your issues with him before this?  What were his issues with you?  What was the plan to work things out?

[NicoleSimone]

I needed to vent, cry vent some more and cry some more. I feel much better today than I did yesterday. I felt as if I would break yesterday. Today however is a new day. Every time he would come across my mind I would force myself to think of something else. I went to the gym twice, it’s true what they say about exercise. I felt fresh and renewed. Ready to take on the world (or at least my feelings). I still having healing to do but I’m going to be alright. 

[Wiseman2]

Have you talked to an attorney yet? You'll feel great, even better than getting to the gym, when the paperwork is served and you can picture his face when he sees his title as "defendant".

[vla1120]

On 6/2/2021 at 10:02 PM, NicoleSimone said:

He acts like I should be over it because it’s been almost a year since we separated. That we aren’t together so it shouldn’t matter who he’s seeing. I know he’s right but it still stings and I feel betrayed all over again.

No. He's not right. You just found out he's been carrying on with a girl young enough to be your daughter for 10 months. No one else can tell you how you "should" feel after a betrayal like that. The fact that you just found out means the pain is fresh and it doesn't go away overnight, whether you are together or not. Finish up the divorce and be glad you dodged a bullet. Concentrate on taking care of yourself. Do things that make you happy.

[vla1120]

12 hours ago, NicoleSimone said:

I needed to vent, cry vent some more and cry some more. I feel much better today than I did yesterday. I felt as if I would break yesterday. Today however is a new day. Every time he would come across my mind I would force myself to think of something else. I went to the gym twice, it’s true what they say about exercise. I felt fresh and renewed. Ready to take on the world (or at least my feelings). I still having healing to do but I’m going to be alright. 

Yes! You are going to be alright. Taking GOOD care of yourself is the first step!

[NicoleSimone]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you talked to an attorney yet? You'll feel great, even better than getting to the gym, when the paperwork is served and you can picture his face when he sees his title as "defendant".

Yes I have. I don’t think he cares. The man I loved, married and had children with isn’t this person. I don’t recognize this man. 

[Harry Korsnes]

Him!

Sounds to me that he's in lala land, btw how old is he? What happens when she finds a bf her own age? Are you plan b?

You!

Separated 10 months. I think its time for you to do you. Live healthier go out meat people and be hippier. 

And have him served. The sooner the better for you to move on. 

Best of luck. 

[Caauug]

On 6/3/2021 at 10:02 AM, NicoleSimone said:

My husband of 10 years had an emotional affair for 3 months before I found out. He said he was sorry that we weren’t happy and he needed affection. Granted we were in a rough patch and not speaking. It was a hard time, I didn’t know what to say or how to fix it. We were both unhappy but while I was trying to figure out how to fix it he was starting a relationship with a co worker. He’s a restaurant manager and she’s the host. She’s 23 years old, the same age as our daughter! I was devastated. I couldn’t forgive him and he left. He said he was sorry, that he didn’t love her and he never wanted to hurt me. I found out two months ago that he’s been seeing her the entire time we’ve been separated (10 months).  I’m so hurt and angry and I feel like I never knew this man. He acts like I should be over it because it’s been almost a year since we separated. That we aren’t together so it shouldn’t matter who he’s seeing. I know he’s right but it still stings and I feel betrayed all over again.

WOW, lots of information... Kind of mixed up on the time line but.

- 23 yr old daughter. Yours? His? or both of yours?

-10 yrs ago married.

-Both of you were unhappy

-Hit rough patch, not speaking. This is important, with no communication one way or the other or both ways, failure is going to happen. (How long ago did this "Not Speaking" start?)

-EA starts with husband and his host. (or was separation first?)

-10 months ago separation.

-3 months after EA starts you find out.

-2 months ago you find out EA has been entire time of separation.

Correct me if I have that wrong... Looking back you stated "while I was trying to figure out how to fix it he was starting a relationship with a co worker." Why do you feel it was your responsibility to fix it? What/who was the the under lying cause of the "Rough Patch"? 3 months after the EA started you found out about it, was there no speaking (no communication) for that entire time? A marriage takes 2 people to make it work. One person can not fix a marriage if it is broken, but one person can destroy a marriage.

I see the EA as a result of the marriage break down, not the cause of it. The time to do something was when you both felt unhappy, while you were still communicating. Once there was no communication or refusal to communicate by one or both partners, failure was already there. Any sort of an affair is not good, but your marriage was in big trouble before your husband reached out to his co-worker.

A lot of cause and effect. Laying blame will not turn back time. Move on and work at putting this behind you.