I've never felt that my husband loves me and I'm lonely

[ECJ_az]

My husband and I had a rough start. I was very much invested in our relationship while he was not and we were essentially over. Then I found out I was pregnant. 
 

We both come from devout Catholic families and agreed to work things out for the sake of our baby on the way. We got married and now have two children. Things are fine but just that. Fine and lukewarm. He has never been in love with me and I feel it everyday. 
 

I try to convince myself to accept things as is and that not everyone has a big love story, but it makes me feel the desire to seek attention elsewhere. 
 

I really don’t want a divorce but I also don’t want to feel this way anymore. What should I do?

Edited June 3, 2021 by ECJ_az
Clarifying question

[ExpatInItaly]

You have to decide if you want to accept this for the rest of your life.

It doesn't sound as though the connection has ever really been there, and it's not likely to suddenly appear now. Unfortuantely, you have a difficult choice in front of you. You say you have the desire to seek attention elsewhere, which is how affairs start. Don't go down that route. Some might suggest marriage counseling but I am not sure it would do much if your husband just doesn't have those feelings for you. 

You also say you don't want to divorce, but do you really prefer to live this way forever? It's clearly not working for you. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, ECJ_az said:

 we were essentially over. Then I found out I was pregnant. 
.I really don’t want a divorce but I also don’t want to feel this way anymore. 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been married? 

There's nothing you can do. It was a forced marriage not involving love in the first place. 

An unplanned pregnancy will never keep a man. In this case he acquiesced to marriage and you got what you wanted, a husband and kids. But you forced it and didn't care about love anyway.

You'll have to live in a loveless marriage if divorce is not an option.

 

[Blind-Sided]

9 hours ago, ECJ_az said:

I really don’t want a divorce but I also don’t want to feel this way anymore. What should I do?

Get a divorce. You really should have never gotten married in the first place. And you know it.

I'm also Catholic, but you can't live being unhappy.  And to stay married for the sake of the kids... that's dumb too.  They will grow up in a house with minimal love... and that's not healthy. There will be more love for them in 2 homes that are happy.

Edited June 3, 2021 by Blind-Sided

[mark clemson]

13 hours ago, ECJ_az said:

I really don’t want a divorce but I also don’t want to feel this way anymore. What should I do?

Work on the marriage to improve things. Of course that's MUCH easier said than done in some cases (sounds like yours might be one)

There ARE no easy answers in some situations, unfortunately.

[NYAG]

On 6/3/2021 at 6:53 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

You have to decide if you want to accept this for the rest of your life.

It doesn't sound as though the connection has ever really been there, and it's not likely to suddenly appear now. Unfortuantely, you have a difficult choice in front of you. You say you have the desire to seek attention elsewhere, which is how affairs start. Don't go down that route. Some might suggest marriage counseling but I am not sure it would do much if your husband just doesn't have those feelings for you. 

You also say you don't want to divorce, but do you really prefer to live this way forever? It's clearly not working for you. 

Do you think he would want to seek attention elsewhere? If you both feel the same about each other, but you both need something more in your life but neither of you want to separaate for the sake of whatever it's for the sake of, an open relationship is another possible option. It can work for some people. Because the truth is you have several options. One you stay as you are and spend the rest of your life miserable. Two, you have an affair which could take you down all sorts of murky routes but also works for some people. Three you separate.

[Lotsgoingon]

Well I had many relatives who got married because the woman got pregnant. 

That really doesn't work in modern times. Was quite frequent in the old days when there was bad birth control. Marrying just because you're pregnant just doesn't work--not anymore. The reason it doesn't work is that people actually have expectations for marriage and happiness these days. In the old days, lots of people were married to partners they didn't particularly like. The guy spent hours at a bar ... they raised kids. Lots of neighbors had the same kind of relationship and a couple could get by.

So you''re wildly naive that pregnancy can sustain a marriage. But if you want to be committed to that view, you need to get to counseling yourself and/or go to the marriage counseling with your partner. You guys need to learn how to maximize every bit of potential joy you can get from each other because left to your own devices, you're just not into each other.

BTW: the kid will pick up that you guys aren't into each other. 

[d0nnivain]

What does "in love" look like to you?  Define that for yourself.  Then think of simple ways you would like your husband to express that.  

Now ask him what "in love" looks like for him & what can you do to make the marriage better for him.  Listen to his answer . Then start doing those things.  After a few weeks give him your requests.  Work with him so you both get stronger together.  

Since you mention being devout Catholics, note that Pope Francis has declared this as the year of St. Joseph.  Think about the faith he must have had to take a pregnant woman as his wife, then never have sex with her (Mary, ever virgin) but raise her child as his.  Perhaps you & your husband can read up on St. Joseph & follow his example.  My faith has brought me through a lot.  Lean on yours.  

[Caauug]

On 6/3/2021 at 10:28 AM, ECJ_az said:

He has never been in love with me and I feel it everyday. 

Why? He saw you were somewhat attractive at the beginning of the R? What other qualities did you have that attracted him at first?

Has he right out and told you he doesn't love you? Men and women love differently, we have different needs therefor different qualities we are attracted to. It is not the same. Don't judge your love to him with his love to you.