Should I be jealous?

[Ktlate]

Hi there,

My and my boyfriend have been dating for almost 2 years and met through work. It started as a very lustful relationship but we ended up falling in love. We actually have a great relationship but I just have this little cloud hanging over me and I want to get advice before it spirals. 

When me and my boyfriend were casually dating, he would "show off" a little bit about other females. I think it was almost a way to get me to want him more. We have a coworker at school, who is beautiful and a lot like his type, whom he mentioned in our dating phase. He is a very typical mans man, and told me that when he was out for drinks with his guy friends, they talked about who they would have sex with in work. The choices, were me, her and someone else and he was asked which he'd marry, which he'd snog and which he'd have sex with. He basically said I'd be the one he'd marry (baring in mind we hardly knew each other at this point, so this was the cop out option), and he'd pick her to have sex with because "she is tiny and he'd throw her around like a rag doll". (Disgusting I know). Back when we were casual, it didn't mean anything, but now we are serious it bothers me. What makes it worse is she has just been promoted and he will now be her line manager, meaning they have to start working a lot closer and meeting weekly. 

Now ordinarily I would be fine with this, but because I know the the thoughts have gone through his mind previously, it niggles me. He has also admitted he used to "fancy her", but this was purely judging her through social media and now he's actually got know her more he catergorically doesn't see her in this way at all, and doesn't understand why I'm holding on to something he said a year ago. 

Now, this is completely wrong of me and I shouldn't have done and have vowed never to do it again. But I checked a whatsapp that popped up on is phone. They were basically planning a meeting, but their tone was really quite bantery and friendly. He basically said, come to my office and bring treats with the eye emoji etc. Not exactly alarming but not as professional and blunt as he tells me he is. They also have the common interest in Djing and during his isolation because of covid, had sent her a song he thought she'd like as he'd "noticed her dj decks in one of her videos". 

Am I wrong to dwell over this? I feel completely pathetic.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Ktlate said:

 he'd pick her to have sex with because "she is tiny and he'd throw her around like a rag doll". (Disgusting I know). 

Why date the office wolf?

End it and date outside of work and date more mature men than this.

[elaine567]

I think you are on the outside looking in on a budding "relationship" between your bf and this beautiful girl unfortunately..
There is little you can do without looking like a jealous harpy.
This is one of the problems with trying to date "casual" people, they bring their casual mindset with them.
A guy who shows off his prowess with other women is someone you avoid, not someone you prize.
Now it is coming back to bite you.

[NYAG]

It depends on how much it bothers you. If it consumes you then it will eat away at your relationship and you won't be able to stop it and that will ruin what you have with him. If he was talking like that still now that he is with you seriously, then I would have an issue but it sounds like he was initially showing off, strutting his stuff and doing the whole 'man thing', which I just don't get and do not find appealing. TBH if he had talked like that and I was casually dating him it would have turned me off, but I'm not the one dating him. Go with your gut. If it's a problem you can't stop thinking about, then you need to consider your options.  Jealously and mistrust are relationship killers end of.

[Alfano]

You're not wrong to dwell over it, but it's nonproductive.

There's not a thing you can do about it.

He's given you reason not to trust.

 

[canadian87]

Leave him and save yourself from problems. Beleive me I thought it's nothing serious and it ended with cheating and my broken heart. My wishes to start a conversation endes with her telling me I'm jealouse and crasy. 

[ShyViolet]

11 hours ago, Ktlate said:

He is a very typical mans man, and told me that when he was out for drinks with his guy friends, they talked about who they would have sex with in work. The choices, were me, her and someone else and he was asked which he'd marry, which he'd snog and which he'd have sex with. He basically said I'd be the one he'd marry (baring in mind we hardly knew each other at this point, so this was the cop out option), and he'd pick her to have sex with because "she is tiny and he'd throw her around like a rag doll". (Disgusting I know).

I absolutely can't believe that he told you this, even if it was in the early "casual" phase of your relationship.  How utterly disrespectful and inappropriate.  I'd be put off from dating a guy if he told me something like this.

Now he's sending her songs?  That's not something you randomly do with co-workers.

Edited June 3, 2021 by ShyViolet

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

I absolutely can't believe that he told you this, even if it was in the early "casual" phase of your relationship.  How utterly disrespectful and inappropriate.  I'd be put off from dating a guy if he told me something like this.

My thoughts exactly. 

He's not exactly the most emotionally-intelligent to begin with, OP. 

[smackie9]

He's not very good at being a BF. Comments like that are disrespectful and pushes boundaries. Why be serious with guy that talks like pig. This guy is not BF material....kick him to the curb.

[stillafool]

Should you be worried?  Yes, unless she's now gained 25 - 50 pounds you have something to worry about.  He's already flirting with her.

[dramafreezone]

What do you know about his past relationships?  Does he have a history of infidelity?

Some of that is typical guy banter.  If you are going to disqualify every guy that "fancies" another woman then you won't have anyone left to date.

If he wanted to cheat chances are it's already happened, so like I said, I guess just see if there's evidence that this is actually in his nature.

[Caauug]

On 6/4/2021 at 1:42 AM, ShyViolet said:

I absolutely can't believe that he told you this, even if it was in the early "casual" phase of your relationship.  How utterly disrespectful and inappropriate.  I'd be put off from dating a guy if he told me something like this.

You are correct, most guys would not tell anything like that.... He did, maybe that is some of the attraction that OP finds in him? He was being truthful, open, and expressed his feelings to her about someone else. They were casual at that time.

OP: This all happened when you two were casual, your R has progressed and grown since then. Is there any proof of his infidelity? Being friendly with a work mate and sending a song via app is a long way away from body fluid transfer.

Big red flag is getting involved with someone from work, but that is how he met you. Getting involved with someone under you as a line manager is asking for job dismissal and no chance of reference.... That would be really stupid.

Look at his actions, listen for the hints and shut your mouth until you have full proof. If you are going to do anything else, just save both of you the agony and end it now.

[thoughtfulgirl00]

First of all, it's not wrong for you to dwell on this. I's completely normal to be insecure and jealous if your partner is bringing third parties to the relationship. It's not your fault, and it doesn't matter if you are casual or not, it's disrespectful to talk about other people like that when you are with your partner, even more if it makes you uncomfortable.

About this woman, I don't see anything super suspicious, but he seems like the kind of guy who likes to show off. He is flirting with this woman and will flirt with others because it's his personality. That doesn't mean that he's going to betray you, but it does create an environment of insecurity and jealousy that hurts the relationship. 

You should try to talk to him about this, express firmly that you're not comfortable with him talking about women like that, or flirting with other women, and see what he says and does. If you keep having intrusive thoughts and being suspicious about everything, then you should begin to think about a breakup, because you will end up normalizing ugly thoughts and it's not healthy for you or the relationship.

 

[kendahke]

On 6/3/2021 at 2:21 AM, Ktlate said:

I just have this little cloud hanging over me and I want to get advice before it spirals. 

My and my boyfriend met through work.

Don't poop where you eat

You found all of this out long before you chose to grow intimate with him, so you've had more than enough time to query him as a friend about her, not as his girlfriend. 

Quote

Back when we were casual, it didn't mean anything, but now we are serious it bothers me.

And when you told him, he said, what, exactly?

Edited June 12, 2021 by kendahke

[kendahke]

On 6/7/2021 at 8:18 PM, thoughtfulgirl00 said:

t's disrespectful to talk about other people like that when you are with your partner,

They were not even dating at the time; they were not partners,, they were not romantically or intimately involved, so there is no disrespect at play here.