Suspicious attitude from my boyfriend. what does it mean?

[thoughtfulgirl00]

Hey guys, I'm new to this site and this is my first topic. I want to know your opinion on this:

I was hanging out with my boyfriend, both laying in bed, and he was answering some Whatsapp messages. I saw that he had a conversation with a girl (I'll call her Mindy), and the last message that appeared was one that he sent, it said "do you like it??". When I got out of his chest to look up for my phone, I saw that he archived the conversation. 

I found it strange, so the following week I checked his Whatsapp messages (I know it's wrong, but it was killing me) and he had deleted the conversation and blocked the girl.

I find it super suspicious and disgusting, and honestly cannot find an explanation other than "he's flirting with another girl" and/or "he's cheating on me" 

I'll not give any more background of the relationship, I just want to know if I'm overreacting or if this is indeed extremely weird and I should be worried.

Thanks a lot! 

 

[basil67]

It does sound suspicious, but I can't tell if you're over reacting without a bit more history or having an understanding of their connection.

Perhaps he sent her a recipe.  Or a workout thing for the gym.  Or lent a book about a topic they are studying at university.   Who is she and how does he know her?   Has he ever given reason in the past for you to not trust him?

 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, thoughtfulgirl00 said:

I found it strange, so the following week I checked his Whatsapp messages and he had deleted the conversation and blocked the girl.

How long have you been dating? How old is he.

It's downhill when you start invading privacy and policing phones.

Cut your losses and end it. You don't trust him.

Next time find more fun things to do than just hanging out but in your own worlds peeking at phones.

Basically, no trust = no relationship.

On top of this you already describe things as "super suspicious and disgusting", so just pull the plug.

[smackie9]

Well if he has a history of being this way, not only with you but with past GFs then it's most likely true. He's got it down pat, what to do. He got rid of the evidence, so what can you say to him without the proof? if it walks like a duck, sounds like a duck.....

[Caauug]

On 6/4/2021 at 8:17 AM, thoughtfulgirl00 said:

I find it super suspicious and disgusting, and honestly cannot find an explanation other than "he's flirting with another girl" and/or "he's cheating on me" 

Is this what you want him to do? Have other guys done this to you? Do you want him to fall into the same pattern of other guys you have dated? Will you make him into a "Duck"???

Look at his actions, actions speak louder than words, listen for the hints and keep your mouth shut until you have full proof. Do anything else and save both of you the agony and end the R now.

[thoughtfulgirl00]

Hey guys, 

Thank you very much for replying. I once again looked into his phone and found out that he was talking with another girl, and he said to her that we are in an open relationship (we aren't). On top of that, he told the girl that we had recorded an erotic video together... That was more than enough proof for me, so I decided to confront him and tell him everything.

He was deeply sorry, he cried, etc etc... He reassured me he didn't cheated on me with the chat girls, but he did hook up with one when we were about to start dating, in February. At that time we already met twice a week and were super sweet to each other, but I didn't want to label our relationship yet because I was overcoming the breakup of a previous 6 year-long relationship. I did make this clear at the time, but he assumed that I didn't want to be BF and GF yet because I was hooking up with other boys, so decided to do that himself... It really hit me because we did have a relationship, it wasn't labeled but a few of my friends knew, our parents knew, we talked all day, and we had told each other that we would be hurt if the other hooked up with somebody else. Yet, he convinced himself of a completely different thing and hooked up with a random girl while I was, I don't know, watching a movie in Netflix. Disgusting.

About those chats, he told me he didn't cheat on me and that he didn't want to. Why did he write that stuff, then? Well, apparently he has a fetish for telling girls sexual stuff he had done and asking them what they have done. It's not sexting, it's making awkward comments in the middle of a normal conversation. I did some research through friends in common and found out he's been doing this since 2017, when he was in high school, and several girls from his school accused him of sending inappropriate messages and sexually harassing them. He was expelled of the student council because of this. 

Of course I feel absolutely disgusted and betrayed. He says he has hit rock bottom and that he's going to change because (fill in with your preferred cliché quote), but I can't believe that right now. As you guys said, I can't trust him. I don't want to police his phone anymore, because I know the truth now and I know what I'm going to find. And to see more chats and more girls is completely useless for me. I have all the evidence and all the reasons to end this because I'm uncomfortable and hurt. 

This happened over the weekend, luckily I have my weekly session with my therapist tomorrow, and I really want to listen what she has to say. Maybe she can give an innovative point of view to all this, and help me face the fact that this will be over sooner than later. 

Thanks for reading and giving your opinion 

 

[Wiseman2]

Run 👟👟. You can't trust anyone like this. 

Seems like "open relationship" is the new "we're like roommates".

 

[Starswillshine]

Sounds like its time to ditch this guy. Seems you are fairly young. I wish I would have taken red flags as forever red flags. 

[smackie9]

So he cried like a baby to weasel his way out of it. He's not sincere, he's a con artist. Plus he didn't take any real ownership, he blamed his behavior on other things, and had the nerve to downplay his sexual messaging as not really cheating. That right there is a narcissist . He doesn't see anything really wrong with what he is doing because he feels entitled. All he's upset about is that he got caught. He has no empathy that he hurt you, and betrayed your trust.

Edited June 18, 2021 by smackie9

[BeanCounter]

Hope you end up making the right call which now seems obvious and leaving. If he was doing this with you literally laying on his chest, it's not going to get any better from here. Especially when you've only been dating like 4 months... Better luck with the next one

[d0nnivain]

I agree that ending this was the right thing to do based on the present lies he was telling other women about being in an "open relationship" when you two were supposed to be exclusive  but your anger at what he was doing in February "when [you] were about to start dating" is misplaced.  At that point before you were dating & when you were just hanging out twice per week and "being sweet" to each other did not obligate him to be exclusive.  

[kendahke]

Stop snooping and just leave. If you think he's lying in your face, why are you with a liar?

Edited June 19, 2021 by kendahke

[smackie9]

Ya you have enough proof don't you think? Stop forgiving this guy...have some self worth!

[CaliforniaGirl]

It's possible, but if he blocked her, it seems more like he didn't like something she was saying. Maybe she tried to flirt and he didn't want to. You need to be 100% honest and tell him exactly what you saw and wait for him to explain. Don't ask "are you cheating?" Just state what you saw and then STOP talking, look at him and patiently wait. Is his response nervous? Over-the-top angry? Calm and with a quick and reasonable explanation?