Difficult breakup decision

[MaxxNY]

Hello everyone,

I have a bit of a difficult decision to make and I hope to get your insight into this. I have been dating a beautiful woman for about a year. She is the charming personable type that wins everyone over when she enters the room. She is 26 I am 42. Initially this was based on sex which supposedly turned into a commited relationship. After some time she was claiming she wanted to be with just me but was seeing another man. There was A LOT of deception on her part which did not help the relationship. In November she dropped the other man, and continued to see me exclusively, I believe she has not been with anyone else since November. Looking back I think initially she had an issue with the age difference, and did not see this as anything else than sexual. However, it always puzzled me why she so fiercly pushed for a committed relationship while I presented her with less binding options. 

The last few months have had a lot of ups and downs, related to lack of trust on my part and our attempts to rebuild the relationship. Despite her telling me how much she lvoes and misses me on daily basis, wants to build future together etc, I occasionally questioned things based on her actions. There was lack of small gestures of love, such small gifts, acts of kindness etc. I got a laudry basket for Christmas :) When I questioned her choice, she came back with a nice whiskey set. 

 

Fast forward to recent 2-3 months. She has been looking for a job. One of the avenues she explored was a local Fire Department EMS program. The program is a voluntary basis, which provides you with an EMT certification. She applied to the program at the end of the year, and got in around January and joined with her best friend(female). Around February she also got a job 4 days a week job at a local bank. 

 

I was supportive of the fire department job, however soon I found out the place is filled with frat house/fucx house culture. Right at the beginning, other female EMTs warned her not to get involved with any of the Firefighters (red flag). Initially I appreciated her being open with me about things and had faith in her. She goes to the firehouse once a week for a 6-10pm training, then a lot of down time when they are just hanging out around the firehouse waiting for a call. This involves food, card games, lots of witty banter with the firefighters while playing cards etc. Soon Im starting to hear stories about a nurturing and supprortive firefighter, that seems to have taken liking to her and her best friend. 

After few red flags, I did the unthinkable and used the password I knew to check her messages. 

The guy is a charming, witty guy that showed both of them a nurturing side. She described him as an overprotective "uncle" type. 

In one of the conversations, the friend told her tha while she was at the firehouse, and my gf was with me, the firefighter guy told her that he "chose" my girlfriends and wants to "f***"her. 

Here is the disturbing part. My girlfriend describes the situation to another female friend and tells her about the supportive firefighter. She is almost in awe as she describes how he "chose her" to be the one. In one sentence she describes him as a guy I will probably fuxk in another its just a fantasy in her head. She says she enjoys the sexual tension between them and the fact the other EMTs hate the fact he "chose" her. 

 

When she comes over the following weekend, I sit down with her and tell her that I am supportive of her EMT career, but I do not want her to be a part of the firehouse culture. She starts defending it, claiming that I am not being supportive of her career etc. She says its not fair that she will have to leave just to appease me(I did not suggest it, but perhaps deep down she knew that was the right thing to do). That night I told her I will trust her decisions and that she will do the right thing. 

On Sunday we are heading out for breakfast and her friend calls her on FaceTime while at the firehouse. The moment my girl picks up, the firefighter guy pops in over the friend's shoulder grinning from ear to ear. When my girl sees that, she states she is with me, probably making sure he does not say anything incriminating. After the call, I take the opportunity to broach the subject of the firefighter I already knew so much about. I tell her that it looks like  she did not draw boundaries with the guy. When I ask her, she admitted that he made sexual passes at her. She argues back and forth, either deflecting it to me being unsupportive, or blame shifting to me being jealous. I try not to get sucked into it and just tell her to "fix" the situation, but the conversation does not get us anywhere.

I did a lot of thinking over the next 2-3 days and came to a conclusion that she has no intention of fixing the situation. She would have drawn boundaries initially or at least appeared apologetic when we discussed it. I figured that either I sit back and watch it happen, or end it and walk away with dignity. I write her a long text explaining how I support her career, but have a problem with her not drawing the boundaries and the fact that she lets the guy make sexual passes at her. I told her that she is not giving me the loyalty and respect I expect in the relationship and this is "not working for me". She immediately takes it as me breaking up with her, but responds with a short text that she respects my choice. When I dont reply, next morning she gives me a long story of how she loves me so much, would walk on fire for me, but of course does not offer to fix things. She hates me over the fact that I "broke up" with her over text. I leave the door open saying that if she wants to sit down and tell me something, Im open, but respect and loyalty are non negotiable. she makes me the bad guy for "breaking up over text"

Two days later she is at the firehouse but he is not there that night. They exchange messages. Him initially asking if the breakup happened because of him. He jokingly says he is a "pos" for causing the breakup, she says it was because of our previous issues, I was not able to trust her but "partially" because of him. He throws in that he was not even trying to sleep with her, but now that Im out of the picture, he can try. She deflects it jokingly. The conversation continues as she gets home from the firehouse, and he tries REALLY hard to meet her that night, to "give her a hug" then just meet for one drink. 

One thing that made me question my decision was her response. She said that she knows one drink would lead to another and while the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else, she enjoys the relationship they have. They make few more jokes and she suggest that they hang out as a group with other ems people next weekend.

She clearly does not set proper boundaries, and takes no responsibility for her actions, but part of me is thinking that perhaps I overreacted based on her "girlfriend locker room talk". 

Initially I thought that if I give it time, she will realize  she is loosing and come back trying to work things out. However, after seeing that conversation it seems like them getting together will be a matter of time when Im out of the picture.

Should I meet her in person, give her a chance to explain herself, and make the relationship work? I know that I will have trust issues. if she stays at the firehouse he will only continue to charm his way into her pants. On the other hand if I ask her to leave, she might resent me. 

Thank you all for your advice and the time to respond. 

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, MaxxNY said:

. Initially this was based on sex which supposedly turned into a commited relationship. 

Did it ever become an exclusive or committed relationship?

Sounds like poor communication and incompatibilities.

It may be best to make a clean break and cut your losses.

[MaxxNY]

Yes, after all that other man fiasco, we have been exclusive since November

Edited June 4, 2021 by MaxxNY

[canadian87]

Had similar situation in the past. Once the trust is gone it takes so much work to rebuild it, and usualy it's not even possible. Think about do you see yourself with that person in the long run and if you do, do you have problems with her being with other men etc etc. I broke up. It's easier to do it sooner than later.

[Highndry]

The relationship was going nowhere. The foundation was built on sand from its inception. And yes, that text sounded like a breakup to me. Further, the fact that you're in her account spying on her is proof enough that there is no trust and it could never work. It's time to move on to somebody closer to your age. If you were 55 and she 39, it wouldn't be as much of an issue. But at 26 she is still quite young and immature as compared to 40 something.

[ShyViolet]

6 hours ago, MaxxNY said:

Two days later she is at the firehouse but he is not there that night. They exchange messages. Him initially asking if the breakup happened because of him. He jokingly says he is a "pos" for causing the breakup, she says it was because of our previous issues, I was not able to trust her but "partially" because of him. He throws in that he was not even trying to sleep with her, but now that Im out of the picture, he can try. She deflects it jokingly. The conversation continues as she gets home from the firehouse, and he tries REALLY hard to meet her that night, to "give her a hug" then just meet for one drink. 

One thing that made me question my decision was her response. She said that she knows one drink would lead to another and while the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else, she enjoys the relationship they have. They make few more jokes and she suggest that they hang out as a group with other ems people next weekend.

How do you know exactly what was said in all her messages?  And AFTER the breakup?  So you are continuing to monitor her messages?

[ExpatInItaly]

She's never been as into you as you are into her, OP. That is very clear. 

It's time for you to just break up completely. She likes this other guy and is not that interested in your or your relationship anymore. Sending her lengthy texts outlining your position is pointless. As is giving her a chance to explain herself. She isn't trying to make it work and isn't interested in offering an explanation. She isn't that upset your relationship is over, because she was never all in to begin with. Yeah, she'll pay lip service to the idea that she's mad you broke up with her. But would I believe her? Nah, this was her perfect departure so she is free to explore her crush without feeling like the bad guy.  

This relationship always had an expiration date. You've reached it, so consider it over and done. Go No Contact - and for heaven's sake, stop reading her messages. 

Edited June 5, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[MaxxNY]

Thank you Expat, I appreciate the advice

[salparadise]

On 6/4/2021 at 5:49 AM, MaxxNY said:

She says she enjoys the sexual tension between them and the fact the other EMTs hate the fact he "chose" her. 

This describes her predisposition in one short sentence. She trades on sex appeal and craves sexualized adoration from multiple men. She monkey branched to you after having been sleeping with you and the previous BF for some amount of time, and now she's repeating the pattern. I don't think that she attaches to the individual (laundry basket as a Christmas gift- how symbolic), she just needs a certain type of attention, and the next one is always going to be more intriguing than whomever she's with. Sleeping with a few at the same time, games and deception, one for safety and another for the chase... that's just how she rolls. It's hard for me to believe that you mistook her for the wifey type, but I guess we all create our delusions based on what we wish rather than... and us guys are particularly prone to believe it's about us when a beautiful woman is sexing us up real good. 

Anyway, I think your choices are few because she's not going to give up the excitement of her new position. Being chosen by the big dog in a firehouse is where she's at now. You can either wait for the scenario to play out to the end, or you can cut it short and walk away with your pride and dignity intact. Sorry- I know this is not easy.

[emprosnet7]

Monkey branched, that is what she did. Now that she is getting work stability, you are of no further use. 

[MaxxNY]

Thank you for your comments everyone. @salparadisethat was very insightful. To be honest, i have been considering her in my long term future. She has been telling me that she loves me and wants to be just with me and make the relationship work. She admits that she had her wild days but she cant do it forever. She is extremely caring affectionate and sexual. She talks about building future together, having kids etc. With all that being said, I was considering a possibility of long term with her. 

Edited June 6, 2021 by MaxxNY

[Calmandfocused]

54 minutes ago, MaxxNY said:

Thank you for your comments everyone. @salparadisethat was very insightful. To be honest, i have been considering her in my long term future. 

You need to be kind to yourself and take this idea firmly out your head. 
 

Everything you have written (and I mean everything) indicates that your girlfriend is Not at a stage in life where she wants to settle down. At the moment she’s sowing her oats and has no intention of long term commitment . With you or anyone. 

Irrespective of how “loving” or affectionate she is towards you, she is emotionally unavailable for a long term relationship. She wants the thrill and experience of other men. Because of these reasons she cannot offer you a long term committed relationship. 
 

The good news is that she will give this firefighter exactly the same treatment, and hence she is likely to make her career very difficult for herself. 

As for you; wake up and smell the coffee. She was fun. You enjoyed yourself. But that’s all it was and that’s all it will ever be. 

If you want a proper relationship look in the direction of women who has passed the stage of “playing the field”. 

 

 

 

Edited June 6, 2021 by Calmandfocused

[MaxxNY]

Thank you again. One thing that puzzles me the most...On few occasions, I sat down with her, and calmly explained that I love and care about her but if she is not ready for a relationship or commitment, Im perfectly ok with that and we can keep things casual or date other people. Every single time she keeps on insisting that she wants me, and me only, has absolutely no interest in other men, and wants to build a future with me. At first I was giving her the benefit of the doubt, because she was spending all her free time with me, and was not out there. I was thinking that her description of the fireman to her friend was perhaps nothing more than a fantasy or a girl locker room talk like "oh I would fuxk Tom Cruise in a heartbeat". However, if that was not the case, why would she go through all this if she does not truly want to be with me????

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, MaxxNY said:

 why would she go through all this if she does not truly want to be with me????

Go through all of what?

[MaxxNY]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Go through all of what?

Insisting that she loves me, wants to be with me, etc. After I told her things were not working out because of lack of boundaries, she was was telling her friend that she really loves me, and misses me, making it seem like she actually wants the relationship. After I sat down with her on Friday, to give her a chance to talk to me in person, she assured me she wanted to make this work and that she wants me to trust her. However, she also expressed how hut she was when she thought she lost me for those 3 days. 

Why go though those charades if you dont mean it? It would have been so much simpler to just let things go if you dont truly love the person.

 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Part of growing up is learning how to love someone.  Your GF is young and is learning through experience.  I am sure she feels some of those things at certain times but is uncertain at other times.  At that age we rarely know what we want.  You are a 42 yr old man. Of course you know what you want and how to act.  A 26 year old is not going to be like you so why blame her for being different than you?

Sheesh.  You should be ashamed for snooping on her like it is your right to do that.  You are not a good partner and should not continue the relationship just based on the snooping and not trusting her.  If you don’t trust her then why be with her? End of story.  The reasons don’t matter.  Who is in their right to feel such and so don’t matter. No trust. No relationship.

[Lotsgoingon]

This relationship is going nowhere but towards chaos and confusion.

She is 26 I am 42. Initially this was based on sex which supposedly turned into a committed relationship. After some time she was claiming she wanted to be with just me but was seeing another man. There was A LOT of deception on her part which did not help the relationship.

That's a lot of drama and deception at the start. And then you describe more and more. No way this is gonna work. 

[basil67]

14 hours ago, MaxxNY said:

 However, if that was not the case, why would she go through all this if she does not truly want to be with me????

Are you financially generous?  Does she have daddy issues?  She needs somewhere to live?  There are plenty of reasons to be with someone we don't love or respect.   C'mon dude, you're a grown man.  Surely you know this stuff.

 

Edited June 8, 2021 by basil67